♟️Bubblegum Bitch by Marina
❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎
"Are you okay, Ella?" Athena asked, worried.
"I'm as perfect as I've always been, snowflake," I winked at her, serving myself some strawberry juice, smashed eggs with Italian cheese, and a fruit salad.
"Are you okay enough to go to school?" Atlas asked, swallowing, his eyes running over me, as if to check I'm okay. "Are you sure you're stomach isn't feeling upset?"
"Don't worry, babe, stomach cancer normally only shows up at an older age," it was supposed to be an easygoing comment to make them relax, but they paled, all five of them. "Besides, just because my stomach was upset, it doesn't mean I'll have cancer like dad, and his mom, and his mom's dad, and his great-grandfather, or his great-great-grandmother. Sure the chances are great, especially because I got more of his genes than you two did, but it doesn't mean I will have it," I rolled my shoulders.
"Don't say that," they cried in unison, but it was more angry than sad and I paused, looking up at them. "Don't say that."
"We can't lose you, sister," Athena clenched her jaw. "You don't get to speak about it as if it was a normal things. You can't die."
"You are everything we have," Atlas cried.
"No," I said more coldly than I intended, "you are everything I have. You have mother, you have Damien, you have Tristan, you both have best friends that will have your back regardless, and many people who loves you. Saying that I'll never die and that I won't have cancer like dad did, would be crueler than saying I would, because I'm being honest. There is a real possibility, and you should be prepared for it, no matter if it happens in 5, 25, or 50 years, so it wont hurt so much," then I sipped my juice.
"Why are you doing that?" Atlas groaned.
I arched my brows, "Doing what?"
"You have been acting colder and distant to us, ever since we got to England. We know you don't like mom, uncle Damien, or Tris, but why are you being that with us? You promised we would always have each other!" He cried, hands clenching on his tableware.
Swallowing my honesty to that question, I clenched my jaw, "You still have me, with no reservations. I don't feel comfortable near anyone else, not really, definitely not in here. I was forced to stay in England, and I may still be struggling with it, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Of course, because you planned on just leaving us in here and living alone in Los Angeles," Athena snapped. "You wanted to hand us to mom, get your emancipation, and be gone from our life."
They don't understand, but they don't need to, "We've talked about that before."
"And it still bloody hurts," Atlas snapped. "Now you're with this cancer talk. What? You want want to die and leave us alone? Like dad did? Are you that tired of us?"
I put down my tableware, taking a deep breath, channelling the little patience I have, all solely reserved for them, "If I want to die, it's not to leave you alone, it's to punish myself for all the things that haunt me, all the things that I blame myself for. Sure, a part of me does wants to die," I chuckled and they stared at me as if I had gone insane, "but I won't, because of you. You're not a reason for me to kill myself, snowflakes, you are my reason to live."
"If I planned on leaving you with Juliette, it was because I didn't think I would be enough for you, you needed a mom, and I couldn't stand being near her, because of my wounds. I thought you'd be better away from all the horrible things I feel regarding those three other people with us in the room, because I didn't want to contaminate you with the hatred that eats me alive. And I was right, your life is way better now than it was before, thanks to 'em."
"It's because of you that I'm still standing strong here, all because I want to look strong to you. But then, we moved here, and suddenly you had a new brother, the exact person whose existence has always made me feel inferior, and suddenly I felt like he would be a better brother to you than I was a sister. Because all I've heard of him was how perfect he was, and no matter how hard I try, I'm far from being perfect."
"He's technically a better example to you, he's born skilled while I had to work hard to get where I am now, he's talented and smart and he's kind to you. His kindness to you is honest, because he loves you for being Juliette's children, as he loves her as his mother. While my entire life, I've been trying to me kind and good to you, while throwing all of myself away, not to taint you with what is poisoning my very soul."
"So, no, I would never leave you for a fake reason such as being tired of you, because I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of the voices in my head, I'm tired of the memories that keep forcing me to go further down. Being with you is like being close to an antidote, close to light when all I've know was dark, close to the sun when I've know was winter, and in all honesty, I don't think I'm deserving of you. There's no me without you, you're all I have."
"But don't say I'm all you have, because as sweet as that sounds, that's a lie, a soothing lie, and those are the most dangerous. You have one other above anyone else, you have these three, you have countless other people. You will never be alone, because you genuinely love them, and they love you back. But if I ever loose you, when it comes to my time to die, it'll be my fifth death, because I died everytime I lost someone I loved, and right now, I only have you."
When I realized that the three were also listening to everything I said, that Tristan heard it all, I felt sicker, with myself, with them, with the world. Clenching my jaw, I pushed my seat back and stood up, then I put my backpack on and grabbed my keys.
"I lost my appetite, sorry for pouring this on you, it was wrong of me," I sighed, passing my free hand over my hair, the bandaged one with the cut.
"Did... did you cut your hand?" Atlas cried.
"It's just a scratch," I brushed off, even though I know it's far from a scratch. "I need some air, I'll see you on school. Don't forget to take your P.E. uniforms and an extra energetic snack, you always forget it, and you have two periods of P.E. every Monday," taking a deep breath, I looked at my baby siblings' eyes. "I will take care of myself so I won't die anytime soon, okay? Stop worrying about me, live your life like dad wanted and like I want you to. I love you, Athena, and I love you, Atlas, don't forget this, ever."
"We love you too, Ella," they said sadly.
I grinned mischievously, "How could you not? I'm amazing!" Winking, I turned on my heels and left the dinning room. "Have a nice day, Juliette and Damien," I chanted with my back to them.
"What about me?" Tristan scoffed.
"Hah," rolling my eyes, I left the villa and went to the garage, putting my headphones back up and changing the song to Chihiro by Billie Eilish.
Hopping on my bike, I put on my black helmet, turned the engine on and drove out of the villa, through the roads of the Victorian county of Thornhill Valley.