I don't understand why life has been hard for me but it does not mean I have to stop and make everything stop around me. I wanted a lot of things but I could not move at all, maybe due to my senseless fears. Sometimes I have overflowing confidence and then lack of confidence at the same time, a critical change of heart for I let others affect my inner thoughts. I always feel that time is special and scarce but I spend it at an unremarkably useless pace. Between me, myself, and I, I don't even know how I survived this world until now, All the problem is me.
There are people who love me but not enough to give me a purpose. They have their own life to pursue and I hinder every step, I just thought
"…at least they are strong enough to put me alongside them" though I feel every bit of their disappointment. I want something but I don't know what that thing is. At first, I knew that "purpose" motivates my whole being, a sense of fulfillment that I finished some kind of goal. But then when I get stuck in the middle, I stay stuck, can't get up, can't move on, get bored, and just give up the whole thing.
"What do you want to do?" that's what my mom always asked. While I was getting ready to get out of our house since I have to face the school's admin of what I have done yesterday.
"If you really desire to quit school, what's next for you?" I can hear every bit of her disappointment but who am I to talk? I am not a bad student all throughout but lately, I'm getting the feeling that
"I don't belong there anymore."
I have always thought when I turn 20ish years old, I'm already done with school, I get a job and a sense of achievement in life and I get through it all by myself. But no, when miscommunication and misunderstanding hits, I run away. When I was in my 2nd year in the university I stopped going to school, I stopped taking risks all in all, and I realized that I started running away when the situation started getting a bit difficult for me to see through.
"Ms. Mikasa, do you really think this piece of shit can get a passing grade from me and get you flying colors through this semester?! I DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE ANYTHING with this sloppy work" Here I am, drinking every word this bitchy professor has in for me like she did not even really enjoy every bit of our naughty nights together. I even thought of kissing her pussy makes me turn on and all those after-school secret meetings in the empty professors' lounge.
"Was this because you did not get to cum last night? If you don't really feel fucking me anymore you can just ask the school admin to do something about it"
I saw how furious her stabbing eyes glared at me that day, who could blame her? I said it loud and clear for everyone to hear and just to get over and clear the rumors. After that, I saw her screaming her voice out but I could not hear anything at all.
"HEY, MCKHEILA!" approached Mugi, while I cried my balls out in a bathroom cubicle
"You know, you could just tell on her in the administration office, right? It's not like it's one-sided. She already covered herself and ditched you down the drain by saying you're just making everything up and you just want to ruin her career" While Mugi, talks at the other side of the door.
"It's okay, I do not wish to make it difficult for anyone anymore."
"But, how would you tell your parents why you got suspended? You know that they always see you, little miss good shoes with a bright future" he said.
Then I got out of the cubicle to wash my sulky face
"I will just tell them I don't want this school anymore and be on my way. You're a good friend Mugi, thanks for sticking to me till the end. But I guess we won't be seeing each other in this university anymore..."
Suspension in that University was not enough for me, I quit school for good. My good parents and people around me kept asking me what happened and why I had stopped, it's not like my parents cannot support me anymore.
Saying "You're wasting opportunity" "...you're making a big mistake"
I was just too good through their eyes. Well, I did work hard to maintain my face with a good reputation all throughout elementary, junior high school, senior high school, and now university. As the eldest daughter of two great siblings in the whole wide world, I have hidden my shits well.
"But I think, I've run out of good juice in me." It's not like I want anything prestigious honestly, I just want to finish quickly, what people who love me, expect out of me.
I could not help seeing good people get hurt because of me, so I left home without saying goodbye. I booked a one-way ticket on whichever's next flight and got on. I've brought one backpack with me, an 8-hour flight may be enough to give myself space from the place I want to get out of. My parents never contacted me, they do have their pride as well. They understand why and they always say that I should be able stand well enough on my own actions. Plus, I'm of legal age already.
Reminiscing old memories from childhood,
"Mom, what If I got pregnant out of wedlock?" My mom just smiled and spoke,
"Dear Mckheila, I always know that you are one smart child, smart enough not to put yourself in harm's way but if that truly happens especially if you were not yet ready in life. You just have to stick to it and live with your consequences but don't expect me and your dad to tolerate you and carry all the burden" That got me thinking,
"Yes, life's hard enough to make other people suffer from my mistakes"
2 years passed and I found myself working in a small convenience store. I never contact my parents and they don't contact me back but I always find my bank account has a couple more thousand every now and then. I know, they know where I am but they do not wish to follow me. I know that I always think
"If I'm the one who ran away, I should be the one to go back on my own free will" I know I am depressed; I am now legally allowed to buy and drink my way out of misery. I sleep with people sometimes as well, when I see them attractive but a night or two is enough for me, I never stretch it out.
I see myself crying and willingly losing myself outside. I just always feel that life's still good to me ever since because I don't get physically harmed or forced to do anything out of my will. I always think this freedom is my sweet reward but I am still feeling guilty and weak for not fulfilling what I haven't finished back at home.
"I hope I can still be openly saying that my birthplace is my home where my parents gave me life." Until…
"Hi, can I get your number?" One night at a bar I was a regular in, somebody took my attention. I smiled while drinking my beer out of a bottle
"I think, you look too pretty to make the first move" Then I leaned in and whispered
"Are you alone?" I saw her blush a little and I think of getting laid tonight. She stood, held my wrist, and pulled me out of the vicinity and into her car.
"Are you sure, you're alright with me?" I smirked and spoke,
"Well, I am not saying no and running out, right?" She took a deep breath while she started the engine and air conditioning.
"You know I have been watching you for a while now, I even get to visit your work but you never looked over me after I handed you the items that I bought"
"Hmm... what do we have here, little Ms. Stalker, huh?"
"It's not that" She took a deep breath
"I always thought that you were attractive and wild. It's just that… I have seen you drinking away with a couple of different men… people at the bar and I've seen you hopping into their car willingly and sometimes… kissing them."
She hesitated for a moment
"...But It took me for a surprise when you do it with women too" I looked her straight in her eyes and chuckled a little
"I really don't mind what gender a person holds, as long as I like them and they like me too. Plus, those nights were all just past times, I always think that sex is another way of releasing stress or just reaching some kind of satisfaction."
We have been sitting in her car for a while now, her engine is hot enough and the interior is cool enough for us to get going
"I just hope we choose a good motel"
She then leaned forward to me while she never took her sight out of me, I do enjoy looking at her beautiful face as well.
She was getting too close, so I initiated and reached out to kiss her, smooth enough for me to taste her tongue. She pulled back and giggled a little
"I was reaching out to your seat belt, for safety," I think, I blushed and panicked a little.
"And by the way, my name is Janssen"
"Cool, too bisexual for a name" while I wipe some of the smudge on my lips and onto hers.
"My name is Mckheila... don't think I am too girly for you. I usually top..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naRLSugLchc
Yes, I do top in bed between us, but in life she really does take the lead. I know she loves me but as chances took place. I became a bum as I depended on her financially and mentally. Time flies by fast; it has been 4 years already and I bummed myself with somebody that truly loves me and that's what I think is the worst thing between me and her. Thinking,
"I even brought somebody to absorb my disappointing, depressing, and difficult heart of mine"
If only I just got to absorb back those good traits from the people around me. Those best unwavering strength they have in handling life. But no,
"I still choose to shit myself, blank my mind by dumbing and damning myself down" and then give myself excuses every day to stop everything I started.
Choking myself up thinking that
"I know I can but I tend to choose to stop…" and bother people who actually believes that I will change in the near future. Yes, it tires me to death to think that
"I don't want to wake up anymore every time I close my eyes" I'm just one lucky cookie to think that there are still people willing to stay with me even if I give excuses every single day that I can't do anything to them in return.
Now I'm 26, still using the name Mckheila Mikasa, I should have graduated already and earning a living on my own but no, I ran away from home when I could not take to see how my family would react due to my incompetence on dropping out of college. I can't say incompetence in academics but my emotional intelligence cannot keep up with what my brain has to offer. My parents still put money in the account they opened for me back when I was just a kid and brought it with me when I booked that flight, not much but I could not help to take it. In the first 2 years, I tried to find jobs that I could not fathom to see myself to. Just a way to get through until the end of the month. I tried, but I was stupid and young enough to think that I could do life on my own.
Until I met Janssen, She's the most hardworking person I have ever known, I learned how to enjoy sex with her more than my first experiences. I learned to enjoy every sunrise in her apartment and do household chores as she goes to work and wait her by the door when she comes back. She knows my situation,
"She knows, I have nothing and trying to get by with my own sentiments" She tolerates and spoils my ass off. But still,
"Every good person does have their limits as well"
My phone has been alarming for the nth time, I don't even remember how many times I've snoozed it, it doesn't even have to ring, it just vibrates once then I'll reach for it then slide the screen to snooze. I have set it to 6 am but now it's 10 am. My routine is to make bed, just one thing that makes me see some productivity in my life right now. Making lunch at 10 am takes an hour or two depending on what my next experiment will be, cleaning the apartment, doing some exercise, scrolling on the phone, doing some laundry, buying something out in the market, and not talking to anyone, until Janssen gets back home again. Then make dinner at 5 pm because she usually comes home at 7 pm or 8 pm. Sometimes the wait is killing me.
I can see progress today, not making my own money though, I should be out by 1 pm because I have an interview in a 1-star hotel, a bus away but it's a drag, so I canceled the invitation and I just thought that I could forget about it and see some job posts that are near me or just full online. I started making dinner by 4 pm this time. I took the pork out of the freezer and waited for it to defrost for half an hour while I watched some anime that gave me some romantic emotions that I really miss. Then I checked the pork if it actually came back from being meat and not solid ice anymore. It needs a little bit more time, so I added water to submerge it, maybe it will defrost for another 15 minutes.
I want to start preparing for the ingredients but the fridge doesn't have a lot and I can tell I am pretty good at whipping something from nothing. I opened the fridge and all it had was onion, garlic, condiments, pickled things in a jar such as the pickled radish I made a month ago, the pickled cucumbers that we bought from the groceries from way back I don't remember; Spicy garlic for dumplings, but I don't have any dumplings to make; some rice paper that isn't opened yet. Carrots, no veggies, the small gochujang pack, I just picked up from a Korean store where I was not still sure if that was the red paste dip that we tasted when we went to an Unlimited shabu-shabu with Samgyeop-sal. I've put everything on the kitchen counter with the jar of black olives. I'm still thinking of what should I make with these. At least I have pork with me, I don't have to get out of the apartment to buy something. Then I just thought of putting everything together.
I started putting oil in a pan and then strained the pork, trying to drain water as much as possible from it as the oil heated up. I will just fry the pork, chop it into strips, and put things together with the rice papers. After a while, I minced some garlic and made a sauce for a dip later. I put the garlic in a small bowl, squeezed a little bit of lemon in it, opened two packets of mayonnaise, and put it in the bowl too. Then with the mayonnaise I put a good amount of salt and pepper, mixed it well, and tasted it. It was a bit sour but if I dipped something in it, it would blend to the taste. I set it aside and put it in the fridge for later.
Then I heard the oil sizzling a little bit, I started frying the pork, it was in a porkchop cut already I would just chop it into strips too after it gets fried. Then I prepared the rice paper. It was round so I cut it in half maybe 6 to 7 pieces of rice paper to cut. I prepared a plate with water in it for dipping the rice paper and used it as wrapper for the ingredients. Time check, it's almost 6 pm, I have a lot of time, she will be back for an hour or two anyway.
I started straining the fried porkchop from oil. I still feel that I'm missing something, I think, it will taste plain. I opened the cupboard and saw a can of sardines, I took the one in red, it's a spice sardines in a tomato sauce, it tastes a little bit sweet and spicy, I took it and thought
"This would do" I opened the can and took the bones out. I know canned sardines have soft bones in the middle of those fishes but I still don't like its texture, so I separate them out every time I use sardines. So, the ingredients are all out, I already chopped the pork in strips as well, and I will start wrapping them up. First, I dipped the half rice paper in water, just enough to completely wet it but took it out of the water just as fast so it would not be too sticky when I started wrapping. I like sprinkling water on the counter where I place the rice paper too. Then I put everything in, I start with the stripped pork, then a spoon of sardines, then a number of stripped carrots, then some pickled radish, then the pickled cucumber, last is the black olives, I chopped onion aside earlier and decided to put it in there too, then wrapped it all together.
It was in good shape and all, not too filled with ingredients and wet for it to open and spill everything out, I tried to make it as clean as possible while placing it on a clean white plate.
"I guess, I can finish all this in an hour, portioning it well, to avoid leftovers" In the end I made 16 rolls and no chopped ingredients left over
"Good, self. I will tap your shoulders with clean hands later" I still have pork left but I just put it in a closed container and eat it as a side. I fried the pork skin very well, crunchy and yummy, seasoned with salt and pepper. I almost forgot the gochujang paste. I took a teaspoon in it and used my finger to spread on the rolls one by one, and put the plate of rolls in the fridge. Once she's back, it will be ready. I took out the mayonnaise sauce I made earlier
"I think, they call this mixture tartar sauce" Then put it in a shot glass for presentation and the rolls are just right to it for dipping. I know it's just one dish, but I could just make out instant noodle later, if it looks not enough. This thing took me 2 hours to make. It's usually like that, I know I'm not a fast cook but I do my best in those dishes.
"Ugh, I'm so tired" I washed all the used plates, pans, and bowls, and set it aside to drip and dry. Then I made my way to the shower to make myself pretty for later.
Another hour passed and I stayed in the living room while I waited. Continued my anime series and forgot the feeling of a little bit of anxiety for she had been too late. It's passed 10 pm and she's still not here. I usually don't ask her where she is until midnight, I just wait for her chat or call when she's out late, I just stopped prying since I don't remember when, it's just that her vibe changes when I ask too many questions.
"Don't think too much Mckheila, you trust her, you trust her…" I opened the fridge and checked if the rice paper roll might have started to get stiff. I poked it a couple of times then took one, dipped it into the sauce, and ate it.
"Uh-huh, that tastes good for a snack, but it doesn't feel right for a dinner. I was right, I'll have to add instant noodles later" As I was munching away. I heard the keys on the door and it opened wide. She's feeling down and tired. I didn't say anything as she just looked at me and I think she sighed and ignored me. She just walked by me and went to the shower. I started making the instant noodles and set up the table. I was done as she walked out of the bathroom.
"Dinner's ready babe, I'll wait here and you just go get ready" She ignored me again, I'm quite used to this treatment, thinking she's just too tired. So, I just waited, but it took her 30 minutes more to get out of the bedroom, I was a bit mad but I tried to hide it, the noodles were all soggy and cold now. She walked out of the door and went straight to the table. Stared at it a little then.
"So have you got an interview in that hotel you were applying?"
"Yeah, I got through the interview but I don't think they will take me. I can hear their lack of attention while I was talking" Janssen puts down her spoon over the dinner table that I prepared that hearty meal for her.
"Maybe because you lack commitment?" She looked me in the eyes and I could see her disappointment and some kind of disgust with it
"…Or maybe because you're lying through your teeth while looking me straight back" I was shocked, I did not accept that interview at all. I just felt I was wasting my time going through all that effort taking a job I don't want.
"How did you know?"
"Does that even matter? What do you want in this life anyway? It's been years, how do you want me to help you if you can't even help yourself up?"
"…"
"I can't support you forever you know? I have my plans of my own as well"
"...am I not part of that plan anymore?"
"If you can't be with me as my partner, how do you want me to take you for? Why don't you just go back to your parents?"
I cried that whole night waiting for her since she left out of the door leaving that meal, I prepared for her.
"She cannot take me anymore" but where should I go? All these years, 4 years, I dedicated my time and affection only to her. I don't think I still have friends to turn to after this because I neglected them as I neglected my parents back home. I found myself not talking at all when I was not with her.
"Where can I go?"
Janssen did not return over that weekend and when I heard the door of her apartment unlocked. She entered wearing different clothes and scents. I kept myself cheerful and did all the chores around like nothing happened.
"So, what do you want for breakfast?" while I smile. She ignored my question
"I am tired, I will sleep for now"
"Sure, I'll just reheat the food when you're up" She did not wake up until noon that day, and when she did
"Are you hungry? Also, today is a workday, don't you have to be at work around this time?" She sat down at the table and did not touch any of the food in front of her
"I have something to tell you. I have been cheating on you. I have been seeing someone at work" I think my heart just stopped and I don't know how to react, but I still remember I mumbled questions that she just openly answered; I also remember that her straight face does not show any signs of regret and pity towards me.
I know I can't stay here anymore; I called home and Mom answered
"Mom, can I still go home?"
Mom and Dad accepted me back with conditions, to stay there until I got myself a husband and to finish my studies. I would not want to go back to my old university and luckily National University accepted my application. I thought it would give me a long hard road to start a new life again but it went extremely well. I am the only one making it hard. Mom did not let go of me by enrolling my name in psychological sessions, I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me, the disappointment, the
"I told you; the real world is not that easy" look, but fortunately, the worried part as well.