How long has it been? Ten minutes? Fifteen? I look at my phone to see not even five have passed since I last checked. Is it just me or is the time crawling by super slow? A soft laugh drags my attention towards my current company.
"You should relax, you know." His eyes are slightly crinkled into a smile behind his glasses. "It's pretty crowded today, so it will take us a while to even get out of this area. You said your place is twenty minutes away?" He glances at me from the corner of his eyes.
I sigh and try to take his advice, to relax. Doesn't seem very effective. I am overly aware of the positioning of my legs and the weirdly sticky feeling. That, and his arm on the gear, right beside my thigh. He had folded the sleeves of his shirt to his elbow before starting the car. Damn, those muscled, smooth-toned arms. He's got beautiful fingers too. What about this guy isn't beautiful? He's freaking six feet tall and built like a panther. That suit jacket was hiding a work of art. I have never seen him this up close and my very original, very ingenious conclusion is that he is really handsome. "Yes."
"Do you usually take a cab to work?"
This was his fourth valiant attempt at initiating a talk since the car ride started. By this point, I feel like it was somewhat rude of me for it to have come to this. So, I try to give an actual conversation-worthy answer. "Yes, mostly." uhm, that's probably not good enough. Do better girl. "My sister's college starts early, so she usually takes the car."
"You have a sister?" His eyebrows lift, "Older?"
"No, she's two years younger. I am the eldest." And because, like I previously mentioned, I'm shit at small talk, I lamely add in, "And you?"
"I'm the younger one. I have an older sister." That goddamn smile again. Now that I'm not in panic mode, I can sneakily appreciate how kissable it makes him look.
"Ah," Great. Now I'm staring at the bob of his throat as he lightly swallows. I am staring too much, aren't I? "That explains a lot." He truly would make such a good model. Damn, I really want to draw him but my realism is so shitty that I'm embarrassed to even consider trying.
"Explains what?" He turns and gives me an amused look, probably happy to find out he wouldn't die of boredom in my company.
Embarrassed all over again at having been caught ogling, I look away quickly. "You seemed way too considerate."
That earns me a laugh. The throaty kind. I use it as an excuse to look at him again. It's an airy laugh paired with such a beautiful smile. Considering that I have barely seen him interact with people the two times that he's been to the library, I don't think he's the 'generous with his smiles' type. So being able to hear him laugh makes today's shitshow almost worthwhile.
Should I try drawing him anyway? It wouldn't turn out too bad. Probably. Hopefully. But I would need his pic as a reference. If my realism is bad, then without a reference it would end up an unrecognizable and unsalvagable mess. I cringe internally thinking back to my last failed attempt at trying to sketch an old couple at the park near my house.
"What kind of men have you been keeping around?" He sounds incredulous and still fairly amused.
That comment manages to break through my awkwardness as I roll my eyes and give a full smile of my own. "Ugh, don't even ask." I exasperatedly shake my head, "The grown-up kids type, definitely not the mature ones." I have to physically restrain myself from going off on a rant that would no doubt last for hours. "I swear, some of them probably never learned how to treat their girlfriends. But you, you're such an old-school guy." I laugh, thinking back to how he had held the car door open for me and hadn't even hesitated before handing over his very expensive-looking coat. "It's really very sweet. Simply based on that, you are, in fact, so much better than any of them."
This time when I turn, it's me who catches him staring before he hurriedly looks away. Oh? What's this? I curiously scan his face and see a slight hint of blush. Oh, my god. Why does it feel like I'm intruding into something too personal? Is this tough guy just a big, shy, softie? Ahh, dammit, now I want to see what else will make him blush.
"What about you? What is your usual type of girl?"
"To be honest, I don't know. The last relationship I had was in middle school. After that, I got so busy with studies and work, I didn't really have time left to invest in a relationship."
"Ahh." I lean back into my seat and turn to look out the window.
Well, that's unfortunate. I was planning on asking for his number (to return his jacket after I wash it, obviously), but I don't want to go for someone who's not had much relationship experience. After one breakup and a few more failed attempts, I've come to realize that I can be a bit… too much. Most of the time. I don't fall for people easily, but when I get into a relationship, I put in all of myself. And one-sided love is not my cup of tea. My love craves and demands just as much from my partner. Often being more than they can provide. Is it unhealthy? Probably. But I don't know any other way to love, and neither do I want to. I'd rather die single than be miserable in an unfulfilling relationship. There's no need to put both me and my partner through something that's bound to turn sour. That was one of the major reasons my only long-term relationship didn't work out.
But I would never want to force anyone into staying with me. And someone who has almost zero relationship experience wouldn't be able to tell how much would be too much for them. First relationships are a very sensitive matter. And if I can help it, I don't want him to get hurt, or feel like he isn't enough. I don't want a repeat of my last one.
It's really such a shame.
The rest of the car ride goes by relatively quietly. He gives a few more comments here and there, perhaps hoping for another conversation to start, but they all are short-lived, the mood just isn't right anymore. And after a while, we simply drive in companionable silence.
I can see him turning to glance at me once in a while from the corner of my eyes. It's so peaceful that I begin dozing off.
It's late by the time we arrive at my place. There had been some kind of protest rally blocking the roads so it took much longer to get through the traffic than either of us had expected. I wake up when the car crunches to a halt in front of the yard. I get out of the car with his coat still wrapped around my waist and circle around to his side. "Thank you so much for the ride, Doctor Jenkins." I give him a grateful smile. "I don't know what I would've done otherwise."
"Just Zeff, please." He gives me that small, crooked smile again. "And it was no trouble at all."
"Okay then, just Cathy for you, Zeff." I smile back. "I'll return your coat once I've washed it."
"…."
"…."
What now? Do I just leave? I prepare to turn and go back, "Well, goodnight then."
"Should I give you my number?" He ends up saying at the same time as me, our words clashing.
"Sorry?" I blink. Not sure I heard right. Am I still half asleep?
"Uhh, well, that way it'd be easier for you to contact me, so I thought..." He looks away for a moment, pushing his right hand into his black hair and resting it at his nape. "Never mind."
"Oh, yes, your number." Is he showing interest in me? Or am I just delusional? Either way, I spare the poor guy some face and hand over my unlocked phone. He types in his number and returns it.
"Well, I'll text you when I am done cleaning it. Again, thanks a lot." I nod at him, moving back without turning. This time he doesn't stop me. "See you later, then."
He just nods before starting up his car and driving away. I wait till his car disappears past the turn, then go back inside. My sister, Ashley, Is already asleep in her room. I take a long, hot shower and then go to soak the clothes in warm water. What a hectic day it's been.
I water the few house plants I keep and eat something light. By the time I am done, I am just about ready to drop. I prepare a bottle of warm water and a hot water bag and go to bed so I can finally mull over the insanity that was the last few hours.
Sweet dreams, me.