What is real? What is not?
Am I living in reality? Or a peculiar reverie?
I can see the obscure, touch and feel its existence, and recognize its image. It is surreal, yet it feels absolute. This led me to come up with an uncertain answer. But, I hope I'm right, because...
This is... what I longed for...even if it was impossible...
Fantasy is a limitless world full of wonder, created by imagination. A world with no truth, without logic, where you can do anything in countless possibilities. The world of fantasy is such a delightful place. Isn't it? Yet, out of touch with reality, they cannot be truth, only a delusion for one to escape. But, I desired delusion, it is something that helped me run away from the wounding reality.
If fantasy were to become truth...
...
...
...
...Can it torment me just like reality?
***
It is again another insipid sunrise that dazzles in the "prosperous" city of Tokyo, Japan. There stands a seemingly average, unnecessarily complex-structured apartment building. Inside is a bland apartment room, with no other decorations or furniture besides a bed, a lamp, and a shelf. The walls are plain brown and seemingly dull, leaving a tasteless, boresome view.
People say that rooms reflect a person. It's erroneous, but it does apply to my nature: Toneless and devoid of ambition.
No...that's not what I was...
But... I refuse to talk about it...
...
I am Kizu Kiyoshi, a hopeless nobody enduring the taste of anxiety. It is the second year of my withering adulthood; pathetically living in my closest friend's apartment. While they are living their joyous lives in college, I'm slowly rotting away in a solitary life. It was time that I shouldn't be a nuisance to him, so this week, I found a great job that could keep my identity obscure, or so I thought. I rose from my bed, fixed it, and did my morning routine as usual in a normal morning.
Until there was a glimpse of realization, I stood up immediately like a video game NPC. "It's six...!" I uttered in fret. The sheer thought of getting late on the first day of my job deluged my nerves. I ran as fast as possible, only to be stopped by a man standing by as I opened the door. My gawky and clumsy personality led me to easily get startled; I fell after meeting someone in front of me.
"It's not college anymore," the man remarked. "Your ill-assorted job..." he then sighed, "...starts at exactly eight!"
A bluish-gray suit and dark pants, wearing a college ID, dyed grey hair, black-colored eyes, and an irritatingly charming face. That man is Azuto, an eighteen-year-old law school student who's also my childhood friend. Despite his profound charisma, he always cracks such extremely corny jokes. The jokes are so corny that they either irk people or make them guffaw in awkwardness.
I lay on the floor still completely inert. Azuto has had enough of this goof; he's probably going to crack another corny joke any second now...
...
...Any second now...
...
"Oh, you think I'm gonna tell another bad joke, do you?" Azuto then replied, "Fix yourself, you'd be a snowman's breakfast if you keep living like this!" Figured. Wait, did he try to call me a snowflake? Though, I couldn't disagree with his statement.
"I'll get up..." I wearily replied and despondently stood up. Azuto's eyes narrow as he gazes at me walking past. His worries continued to grow day by day. That's why... I have to provide a good living to repay his generosity.
The man uttered, "I'm asking you this once again. Is there anything I could help?"
His selfless and solicitous personality had at least given me a dust of hope in this world.
Yet, even if it was the kindest being in the world asked me, I couldn't utter a word. Nevertheless, it's still meaningless to be open with anyone, after all...
...
I only have to go forward. I have to make money even if I see it as meaningless. Perhaps, this is the only way to survive in this impairing reality. I gazed at a shelf filled with illustrious accolades -- trophies, medals, certificates -- all under the name of "Azuto Deishi." I looked away with a frown, irritated. But, it wasn't of envy. In my eyes, it was just a brush of nihility.
It was time for Azuto to set off, we traded words and said goodbyes. As the door opened, he whispered,
"I never saw you smile again since."
The door closed, leaving me in a room of somber. Many thoughts started to arise, impeding me from taking action. The clashes of sheer thoughts and angst for indefinite futures -- something that people like me could never escape.
"A-Azuto is doing everything he can to support me, I must repay him! I don't want to be in his way to reach his dreams. I need to work! Right now!"
"But... I'm scared... This world is horrifying. I've had enough of it! I can find a better job..."
"NO! I said that my job was already perfect for obscuring my identity! You have to move now! This is your only way to live--"
"I CAN'T! That's it! I'll give up this interview. I can make money in many ways without ever showing my face. I can write, draw, create content in social media-- I can make anything!"
I'm overthinking, overthinking, overthinking.
"NOT EVERY WORK CAN REACH SUCCESS! Social media? Give me a break! Even one small mistake and your name will be impaired!"
Unescapable, unescapable, unescapable.
"Azuto did everything for you! You just want to be a nuisance to him, aren't you?! You are a failure! Indolent! A pathetic adult who likes relying on people!"
It's getting worse. I can't fight it.
...
"Force yourself! Get up! Fix yourself!"
I can't...
"You are destroying your best friend's life."
...
"Move now or it will be too late."
"You don't care about him."
I...don't?
"You are killing him."
I'm...killing him?
"Pathetic human being."
"Why were you born?"
"You'd better die--"
ENOUUGHHH! STOP IT! STOOP ITTTT!
...
I looked at my watch; it was now half past seven; my interview was an hour away. I'm going to be late.
It's time to get moving.
***
I've arrived. The area is surprisingly quiet and sparse. Only a few are standing in the interview line. Programming is a decent job, and I can work without having to worry about gaining popularity or exposing my identity. The pleasing sounds of keyboards can perhaps help me suppress my anxiety. I might also find new people to be friends with.
As I thought, maybe the world is not bad at all. I was just overthinking. Maybe, perhaps, I can start a new life with the good people I might meet. I've seen countless times that they've done that in Anime and Fictional shows. I can go all out in reality, right? Surely, they won't judge me, right? We are adults after all, right?
I'm forgetting something.
In the world of Fiction, it's always full of wholesomeness -- excluding a few. You are always with your friends journeying through countless places. You laugh with them, cry with them, protect each other, and help them grow. Everyone is always nice in the world of Fiction.
Yes, it's always Fantasy.
I want to be in that world, and I can't help but dream of it. Unlike here, there will be people that will defend you no matter what even if you are the worst of the worst.
So... surely, those things in that world... also apply to this dreadful reality?
...
I am done wandering in my world; my name is now being called. I entered into a spacious room. The room was plain yet unnerving, and it was because of what was in front of me.
"So, you are Kiyoshi? Nineteen? You are still too young to work here!" said the interviewer. I nodded and they began to ask me several questions about my identity.
"You were born in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, correct?" they continued and asked me more. After an exchange of words, the interview is finally about to reach its end.
The weight behind my shoulders is gone, what? Why do I feel pleasant? Was the anxiety attack earlier just for naught? Well, forget it!
I can feel it! A start of a new life! It was that easy to forget! What should I do about earlier? Oh, maybe, I can surprise Azuto with my improvement!
Stop making excuses, you're delusional. You will taste reality once again.
The interviewers seemed overrated with the interview. Until one of them left a comment -- a comment that left me in despair.
"I see!" one of the interviewers remarked. "So, you're telling me..." he continued.
"You are...."
"-----------------------"
Their voices were hampered and I couldn't comprehend their words. It was my mind refusing to listen to it. But, I can tell, those words will be unbearable to hear. The interviewers were staggered and disconcerted, and the interview became a gossip -- one that I loathed the most. It's beginning again and it reached a new low. My vision is hindering -- it's clouding, my heart is palpitating, and my legs are numbing. I started to pant; hyperventilating rapidly. A horrible chill goes down my spine; I'm about to break down.
I hear the chatter of people outside waiting in line. It was incomprehensible due to the range, but I can tell their intent to spread rumors. I will put myself into hundreds of tarnishing slanders. As soon as the people I adore hear it, they too, will abandon me.
"It's over," I chanted repeatedly in my mind. The interviewers were left to decide everything. "We're sorry, but we cannot accept you in this company due to such reasons. We are grateful for your efforts, but it'd be best for you to leave--"
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" I bawled -- random words came out of my mouth, and those weren't what I wanted to say. Now that I've done it, things have begun to get worse.
Everyone, including the interviewers, was frightened. One of them began to push the button that called for security. I've made a scene and I couldn't bear it any further. I saw their faces of contempt, sickened, and disappointed, and I could hear the spreading gossip. This is the epitome of human degradation.
My mind was right.
This is Reality, the degradation of man.
I dashed and ran scramming from this dreadful place. However, my deadened left leg led me to fall constantly while running, it made me look miserable. The people on the pavement had locked their gaze on me, vexing me. Having exposed this much in public will lead to many people talking about me. With that, no matter where I am, I will always be boycotted.
I have returned to our home -- the apartment, and it's sundown. I don't know how I'll face Azuto. If I think now, I will have another anxiety attack!
The door opened, and Azuto appeared, "Oh? You returned much later." he said with a dubious face. "You didn't just get rejected, right?"
...
I must hide my expressions.
I faked my moods and tried to find an opportunity for this situation."Y-you're telling me t-that...?" I stuttered, "You must be joking--"
"Isn't it obvious that it's a joke?" said Azuto with a peeved face.
"You've accomplished something great, so you should be happy instead!" he cheered with a benevolent smile.
"Come on in! Let's celebrate your new job..." he suddenly frowned and smiled again, "...as a Programmer!" Azuto didn't like my choice of abandoning my ambition and choosing another job instead. But he was always thoughtful and compassionate. I'm sorry Azuto, but I just couldn't. Lethargic, I quickly went to my room and closed the door. I can vent it all out now. It was such a long day, wasn't it? My body went all numb, and tears began to well up. I fell and lay on my bed wailing. I murmured, facing the surface of my bed,
"I couldn't handle it anymore... Why is life...like this? Will no one side with me anymore?"
"Am I just overthinking it?"
"SO WHY? WHY IS REALITY DOING THIS TO ME?"
"I have countless things I wanted to say and take action on. Yet, it seems like this world wouldn't let me."
It seems like this world is indeed a dreadful place. I should've stayed inside this apartment and never seen the view of the outside world ever again.
"It must be nice in a world of Fantasy," I uttered in delusion.
To cope with this distress, I watched a handful of Anime episodes while Azuto was preparing to celebrate nothing but a hoax. I enjoyed seeing the main characters savoring their best lives with endless possibilities. This show I am watching is also a fantasy-drama anime that I can relate to for a little bit.
The main character was left in a dire situation, an insufferable one. He couldn't do anything and blamed himself for it as he continued losing the people he cherished countless times. Yet, he was still in that world, alive and standing -- it's like a curse that is made to torture him. Everyone too was against him, some even belittled him as he degraded into a worthless man. But even so, there was someone who wished to stand up for him. They told him everything good about him and the righteous deeds he made despite looking at his pathetic, miserable state. Whenever the main character faces despair, that person would try their best to comfort and encourage him. They will never leave him behind, and will always support him even if he becomes the lowest of the low.
It's infuriating, that shows how envious I am. I may be naive, but all I desire is a better life, I do not care if I will experience a worse fate. It's not worth living in this world anyway. I hope some people will do the same thing to me.
But I don't think I will have people like that. They're all the same in my eyes. Even if they were doing good things to me right now, they will never be like "them."
I shouldn't dwell on the same thought over and over again, but I couldn't.
Because I don't know anymore.
I went to our lavatory to rinse my face. I guess, I will cherish the good moment later, even if that was a sham. But then, for the third time today...
I can't do anything about it, and I've had enough. These thoughts in my head are like strings attached to me, I gave up resisting.
It made me look for something threatening -- a life-ending one. There was a broken shard on the tiles, and I grabbed it. As I am facing a near end, the conflict of thoughts burgeoned. Of course, those were either encouraging or harrowing. But, I've now decided. I looked in the mirror to see how pathetic I was and drove me more to do this.
There reflects a wretched man holding a sharp piece -- appearing to have black, long, and curly hair with an alluring face ruined by a devastated mien with dark circles around the red-colored eyes, wearing a black-red tracksuit -- deciding to end himself yet is conflicted by thoughts.
I knew it. I still couldn't do it even when I was ready to give up everything. That miserable face still glittered with hope, it was infuriating.
"I JUST WANT TO END EVERYTHING! I DO NOT WANT TO SUFFER ANYMORE! SO WHY? WHY CAN'T I?" cried I and dropped the shard. Both of my hands rubbed my head and I continued bawling inside a noise-sensitive apartment.
"I can't do it anymore."
...
Thereupon, a voice replied,
"You can."
That's... my voice... Was it my imagination? Was it a Sound hallucination? Was it my sleep deprivation?--
The voice answered,
"It's a pity looking at my miserable self. So this is what reality has done to you? But, you still have no reason to end it all."
I looked at the mirror as the voice told me to. I'm looking at a different person, no, I'm still looking at myself. The reflection moves and speaks independently. I was startled, yet, unsurprised.
Even so, this self is undeniably different -- the eyes are larger, the chin is sharper, the lips are hardly noticeable and are much more obscure, and the nose looks smaller; at the size of an infant -- that self appeared much more stylized and unreal, just like Anime.
"You sure have a lot of questions," the voice remarked. "Even I don't know what happened or why am I here. I'll let you take a guess instead."
"So what kind of cliche is this, Kizu?"
The mirror disappeared in the blink of an eye, and I found myself in an unknown reverie. It's an endless body of water with distorted yet enthralling skies. It was shallow and I could roam around it. The self in the mirror had already realized that he wasn't the original Kizu and took advantage of this situation. I curiously tapped some parts of my body, and it was the same one reflected in their mirror. This place felt fabricated by CGI. I tried to slap myself to wake me up and it failed. My memories are still intact and I can remember everything, and the pain I felt is real.
"I have concluded," I said, "A different manifestation of myself, a bizarre place, and most importantly, everything looked like an animation. So, this is..."
"Yes, the limitless world with countless possibilities -- Fiction," he answered. A faint illusion was formed, an inversed version of myself, a materialization of the other me.
"Don't you get extremely tense witnessing things like this?" he queried. "I guess not, a myriad of thoughts would disrupt this grandiose moment."
"I want you to now only face the present, though, I'm sure it'll be difficult."
"So..."
...
My other self left speechless. Even he couldn't say things he wanted, because, he was me.
He profoundly asked, "That's enough talk now! Do you know what will happen next? I know you feel it too."
"...Feel what?"
"The beginning of a new world; the Fantasy that lives." he continued,
"The Living Fantasy."
The illusion disappeared, and the voice of my other self ceased. Thereupon, before I knew it, I was already somewhere else. The residences were constructed with stony and rigid bricks and installed roofs made of timber. The citizens wore quite archaic outfits -- many men wore tunics with breeches and loose pants tied in their waist while noble men wore hoses, and women wore chemises or kirtles while some noble ones wore long gowns. Everything in this place also seemed fictitious and unnatural -- animations that came to life. Well, after all, this is a fictitious world.
People were passing through my body. They can't see me or touch me as if I was a ghost. I wondered, "What should I do now?"
Suddenly, a fireball got through my ghostly body, and a hooded man that had walked through me parried it. I looked back to see a robed man with a magical staff. A scene was made and the two of me continued to execute such dangerous and threatening attacks.
This fight in an Anime world is meant to please the viewers watching through the screen, but it feels different when you are watching it face to face. They were daunting and terrifying even if they couldn't harm my pass-through and nonexistent body.
The thoughts of survival overflowed my mind despite being in a harmless occurence. I ironically ran for dear life. Despite being immune to harm, I know that I am powerless against them.
Immediately, a catastrophic serpent-like creature -- a dragon -- was spotted in the skies approaching us.
"Okay... Wait... WHAT THE HELL?!"
It's coming towards me with a daunting look, I rushed back as quickly as possible and forgot about my invincibility. I took a glance; the dragon was already about to crash behind me. I flinched as it smashed the buildings around me. And then, I was again transitioned to another place.
There are tall and civilized establishments with recent technology like in my world. There was a billboard that advertised "Back To School 2014!"
So this world was only a decade apart from my world, or am I time-traveling? The discrepancies of the Brands tell otherwise. This is indeed another world after all.
I took a grasp of what kind of fictitious show was this as I saw a lad surrounded by a bunch of charismatic high-school lasses roaming around the plaza.
...
"I dislike this genre," I said with a displeased face. As much as I love romance-comedy school anime, this one irks me the most. It's a harem show. The lad seems to be leaving to return home, with a relished, perverted expression.
Well, it seems like this lad is a main character who is a scum opportunist. It's rare to see playboys who are eccentric and much more degenerate. It's like, this lad who has an enchanting "hot anime man" face and a muscularly lean-built body is possessed by a NEET-decline. I think this is a comedic harem Anime, which isn't too bad, I guess.
The main character is headed towards me. It seems like I can hear his utter dialogues that no one distant could hear but the people watching this through their devices.
But, all of a sudden, this guy triggered something in me as he passed through me and mumbled,
"I guess it's fun to manipulate women like them."
I don't know or care about the story behind his words, or how the show depicts this whether it is comedic or passionate. Because,
"I think he needs a punch in the gut.
I followed him uncontrollably, letting my emotions win. I readied my fist and began to land a blow, even if I was aware that it would just go through his body.
"Disgusting," I muttered and did jabs multiple times over and over.
Then, immediately, I heard another voice. It was faint.
"What are you doing? You've misunderstood everything."
"Wake up."
I immediately turned my head, only to find out I was transitioned again. Likewise, it's another anime world. However, this one is currently in war -- a war in space. I seem to be inside the entrance of a spaceship with a large scenery of space. There were futuristic technologies -- working lasers and laser guns, plasma bombs, and jetpacks. Anger and hatred turned to fear and angst.
While every soldier was passing through me back and forth, battling and killing each other in front of me, I couldn't move. This was a much worse feeling, and I couldn't find it out. A soldier threw something and it's trajectory is coming towards me. It looks like it's a bomb that's about to explode once it hits the ground. And then, immediately yet again, the voice spoke.
"Wake up."
The bomb came in contact with the ground and I flinched again as it exploded.
Thereupon, I am now transported inside an underground tunnel. There, I encountered two men trying to defuse an explosive device, their hands were trembling.
One of the men said, "Jarvis, there's only a minute left, the lives of a thousand people are in our hands--"
"I KNOW, DRAY! We have to make the right choice meticulously," said the other man. The man was overwhelmed by anxiety.
"We're doing this together, Jarvis. So don't be afraid, I'm ready to die with you."
...
"Thank you, Jarvis."
While they had a tense and heartfelt moment underground. I stood there, pained and agonized as they failed and made the bomb explode.
The voice appeared again and said,
"Wake up."
A peaceful countryside with a cottage and a hut. I saw a little boy and a fisherman fishing together in the ponds. They seem to be having a nice conversation with each other. Yet, I am here devastated. Intrusive thoughts started to manifest in my mind as I kept gazing at those two having their peaceful times.
"Why are these two enjoying their lives while the others suffer?"
It keeps getting worse as the voice repeatedly says,
"Wake up."
I saw an agonizing and traumatic. occurrence -- a stabbed mother bleeding in front of her children.
"Wake up."
A graveyard with a grieving man, wailing. He swore, "I promise you, I will find and kill the man who did this to you."
"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up."
The transitions went on faster and faster until my eyes couldn't catch up anymore. My heart too was beating more rapidly, I felt like it was about to explode.
Immediately, the transitions ceased and everything disappeared. I returned from the lake, only to see a hooded man in front of me. He then uttered,
"Wake up."
Everything went dark.
...
.....
....
I instantly woke up and leaned from my bed inside my plain-looking room. As I recall, I was in our lavatory when I tried to kill myself and witness the bizarre. However, I was barely able to recall what happened between the cease of my other self's manifestation and the arrival of the hooded man. But most importantly, these changes in appearance -- a look like an anime character -- are still here. It wasn't a dream after all.
So, what was that nonsense the hooded man continued to blether?
Azuto barged through the door, dazed. He began gibbering, "Kizu! Are you seeing this?"
"This is Anime! We are Isekai'd! Your delusional dream came to life!" he excitedly continued. "So, what kind of powers are we about to get--"
"Wait... You're... Aware?"
Azuto turned around to see a man who randomly appeared with a portal behind his back, dumbfounded.
"Oh, it's the 'Wake-up' man," I remarked.
The hooded fellow became even more baffled. He tried to fool me with the same dialogue,
"Oh, this is not real. Wake up--"
"As if I am falling for that!!"
...
Afterward, I began to rethink what happened. I got humiliated and had my name impaired, tried to end everything, and got transitioned to endless worlds to feel even worse, only to end up in an awkward, comedic scene.
Oh, come on, Fantasy! I can already tell that my story will be bad! But, this feels much more better.
As long as I escape from this shackled reality.
End of Prologue
***