The rain poured and I felt the dark clouds over my head cry with me at the demise of my mum. It hit me so hard, my entire world crumbled before my very eyes. Since then, I became extremely introverted, secretive and quite repulsive as a means of protection. However, even if I could protect myself from the outside world, could I protect myself from me?
I could feel the possessiveness tug at my soul from within. The demeaning words my mind whispered... it was difficult to fight back when the pain was internal, feeding slowly on my insides. It seemed like my own mission impossible as I couldn't shut it out without hurting myself, and most times the pain didn't shut it despite the mental anguish. I decided to try ignoring it today, emphasis on try. I changed my clothes then made my my way to the kitchen. I poured myself coffee before walking to my mum who sat in the library hunchbacked, laptop on the table, eyes strained...believe me when I say this woman will kill herself with work someday. I glanced at the mug of coffee in my hands. I hadn't added sugar yet and since mum liked hers plain, well...
"Here," She looked up finally noticing my presence. She took in large gulps before handing me an empty mug,
"I need to leave...emergency" she said lowly. I plastered a knowing smile.
Mum was a certified health worker with more than ten awards and fifteen certificates. A very devoted and hard-working woman. Dad was even worse. He hadn't come home since the October of the previous year all in the name of being committed to work but I didn't really care, did I? Mum scurried out of the house and I couldn't help but fear she'll kill herself one of these days saving another's life. She didn't even give me a hug, I mumbled under my breath pouting. Then, it hit me hard. Like a wave for a beginner in surfing or a baseball bat on my head. Mum was dead...officially dead and buried. I was even at her funeral but I still see her.... and many other non-existent things and people. For the sake of being reasonable, I'd diagnosed myself with psychotic depression but I was probably wrong. I still couldn't tell my dad though he was a doctor but because he's too religious, would see me as a possessed witch and take me for deliverance session or even kick me out. A pile of mess welcomed me and I lay on my used-to-be-floor sinking deeper into the clothes. I didn't even find comfort here, it felt like even mere clothes were pushing me away. Then it started again, the possessiveness and the darkness... cascading my soul ever so slowly. First, I could feel my being sink into the darkness until I was transported to a whole new place, not a happy one but the place where mum died. Normally, it was just the scene replaying involuntarily inside my head but today was different. I could see mum in her BMW driving at minimum speed in her own lane when a stupid, idiotic, nuisance driver felt the need to drive one-way at full speed. I could see mum's eyes widen in shock and beads of tears trickle down my cheeks.
"NOOO!!!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs, my hands extended as if doing that will pull her out. Then, it happened, the moving vehicles collided and the large truck crushed my mum's precious BMW recklessly ticking her off the lane. Then, my eyes widened in horror and I froze as I viewed the reckless truck driver finish his work and crush my mum's body. Blood oozed from her forehead and her eyes stayed wide open. She was dead, motionless. I screamed and screamed mad from the pain of the tragedy. A surge of energy coursed my veins at uncontrollable speed as I felt my battered soul regain its position in my body and I lay there in uttermost shock. My eyes threatened to close but could I really sleep after that haunting day mare? I ran a hand through my hair in an attempt to regain my composure then finally made my way to the neighborhood park. I sat on the grass in my usual position resting on a tree's bark. My knees crawled up to my chest, chin rested on them for support and hands wrapped round them for protection. This posture made me safe and at the same time let me think. I shamelessly rocked on the floor for what seemed like hours and made my way to my bedroom before deciding to settle down for bed. Dad obviously wasn't coming home this evening.
* * * *
My classmates shamelessly made some noise. Mrs. Schnipper, our art teacher and only sensible teacher had given us a free period based on the belief that we'd worked pretty herd last class and we deserved at least, a ninety minutes break. I pulled out my pen and notepad and begun writing at the impulse of my emotions but it was hard since there was so much noise. I let out a sigh and made my way out of the class as calmly as possible even though there was a fiasco of rage going on inside my being. I wasn't going to tell them to shut up because I'll eventually be the one to.
"Hey, wait up" My best friend, Jude said few inches behind me. I immediately halted. Her voice was so sweet, so comforting and yet hypnotic. It was like my switch to keep me on and my remote to keep me going, motivated. After catching up with me, we made our way to the back of the school where a green pastry of well-nourished leaves welcomed us... with more warmth than either of our families or classmates could offer.
'Feels good to be here finally." She said dropping her bag and running her hand gently through her long curly dark-brown hair. I politely checked her out. She was dressed in a white tee with its arm striped black. It had the inscription "D.I.B' in block letters and only we knew the meaning cause we made the shirt ourselves, duh! She creatively matched it with blue faded ripped jeans rolled up at the hems and a white sneaker with tiny skull markings on the left end of each one. She propped next to me and I said sub- consciously.
"One day you'll wake up with your wardrobe cleared out, but don't come running to me cause I'm gonna wear similar outfits and it might freak you out." She gawked and we settled in a comfortable silence until she spoke
"What's up with you and the punk?"
"Cedric?" I inquired biting my lips. He's our close friend but after the incident, I don't even know what we are anymore and to make matters worse, he's my crush. She nodded in affirmation and I let out a muffled sigh before speaking.
"He's all over the new girl"
'Thought it was just me that noticed." I shook my head and sighed out"she knows I like him and even though she's kind, she acts like a possessive bitch round me to build territory and the guy doesn't even mind and it is pissing me off." She patted my back for a few seconds before giving me a side hug. Indeed, I hoped it could last longer but we were interrupted by the deafening jingle of the bell.
"Chill. It's math and we have the same class."
"Oh!" I mumbled beneath my breath. I adjusted the waist band of my jeans which was so similar to hers before straightening the crumples on my fitted dark brown shirt which showcased my ebony skin.
"Mind giving me that shirt?" Jude asked.
"This old thing, sure." She nodded and we made our way to the empty seats at the left back corner. Phew! We made it in time. After a few minutes, Mr. Fitz begun to explain Algebra and since everyone was familiar with it we were good...well not until our dumb class brute spoke up.
"Sir, do you mind going over this whole thing starting from the first example." Mr. Fitz nodded and faked a smile in order to hide the frustration. He had often preached about being free to tell your teacher to re-explain difficult equations but I could tell he was silently regretting his decisions because, well... Who doesn't understand Algebra? And did he really have to wait till we'd worked five examples before he asked our dear teacher to go over it all? At this point, the class was already as boring watching paint dry or even worse, watching the news but let's just say fate's on my side because the bell rung the moment my eyes threatened to shut. At least, I wasn't the only one who had found this boring. I could see some of my classmates secretly wave their hands in felicity.
"Dorian" Mr. Fitz begun "why don't you come over and get your homework?" He then looked up and added. "It is due tomorrow" Groans and grumbles escaped the lips of nearly the whole class. Dorian, the class nerd trailed behind Mr. Fitz in his oversized hoodie and hand-me-down jeans he probably got from his dad. I'm not being brutal but isn't he aware that jean is turning to a mop because it scrapes the ground. He could at least roll the hems. I let out a sigh and my gaze shifted to Jude. After a brief eye contact and a slight shake of the head, I understood the signal and packed up moving to our spot.
"You good?" I asked observing her troubled expression.
"My next class is Chemistry"
'Oh". I understood her plight. Well, no one likes the man since he's always so grumpy. Aside that, Jude and I loathe him because his teaching skills are bad...worse than that, terrible. Somewhere etched in his void mind like a cobweb, he believes that there are certain people who'll understand his subject better so he just teaches them alone and freely belittles the rest of us. There was even a day he hurt us both. He told Jude her life was decaying and told me I should go and think about my life because to him, I am lost, on the wrong path and I don't belong to this grade…I don't even deserve to be here. I put an arm round her neck and pulled her closer to me. We weren't lesbians and we still are not, even though nearly everyone doubts that fact but who cares? To me, she's more than a sister…. A part of me which makes me whole.
"Don't worry. We settled everything already. Just the normal routine, stay quiet, make notes, avoid distractions and every kind of trouble and then we're good."
"Sure. Sure, we are. I'll be good" She replied. I could tell she still wasn't completely herself and gave her a hug before patting her back in reassurance. I could feel her nerves relax so I let go.
"What do you have now?" She inquired as we idly walked round the school with no destination in mind.
"You really don't want to know"
"Bio with Cedric?" I let out a low sigh and nodded.
"The new girl's there too. I'm so lucky" The bell rung but this time for an emergency gathering not class. As a result of our aimless hike, we were close enough to the hall and ended up being one of the first set of individuals to ramble into this unnecessarily large space. Holding hands, we peeped through the window and we saw a Black car park. As if we were all being controlled, we neatly arranged ourselves as the principal walked in.
"Good afternoon students. The school is going to be closed for the rest of the week, aside the public holidays. It's quite unfortunate" The hall was quiet and nearly every being was willing to hear the rest of the statement. It wasn't obvious but it felt like our principal wanted to cry "It's quite unfortunate that I lost my whole family in a plane crash yesterday" The hall remained silent and despite the fact we were happy to have the whole week to ourselves, the bad news struck us really hard. I observed Jude's face and she looked pretty sad and anxious…like she wanted to tell me something. After a few minutes, we were released for the day.
"Jude?"
"Yeah?"
"What's wrong? You look like you want to tell me something"
"Me? No, I"
"Yh…" We headed towards the gate and I could see Jude fiddle with her thumb through the corner of my eye. I put my hand in hers and squeezed it tight hoping it was enough to calm her.
"I'm not coming to school tomorrow"
"Nobody is." I replied chuckling. Jude pulled her hand away.
"We're moving…again"
"What? It's not even up to two years already"
"It's the longest we've ever stayed in a place". It was impossible to explain how I felt but I'll try. I felt like my world was crumbling, like my treasured items were fading, like I did not deserve or own anything and everything I owned was going to be taken away eventually. And that… I felt was the truth. First my dog, then my mum and now Jude. What next? What's left? I squinted my eye to hold back the tears and clenched my fists.
"Since when have you known?"
"Last week'
"Last week?!!!" I literally screamed "Bro, why didn't you tell me" I saw Jude's driver approach and normally I would let him drop me off but not today. Tears streaming down my cheeks and my heart pounding in my chest, I ran at my fastest bumping into random individuals and things. Reaching home, I opened my room door and sank to the ground. Why was life so cruel to me? Why did every passing moment have to pull me deeper into this dark abyss? Why does my trouble have to increase at the same pace as my heart beat? I plunged myself deeper into the clothes before letting out my frustration in a muffled scream.
I pulled my notepad and pen and started writing a poem pouring all emotions into it
PAIN
My heart beats at a pace that worries my soul
Pieces of my mind fading away as the seconds pass
Parts of my life disappearing as the minutes go by
My mind slowly turning to stone
And the thought of smiling shaking me to the bone
I decided to let go of valuable pearls and accept the dark petals of sorrow
I decided to drown my sanity in the river of pain
But what did I get in return?
What did it fetch me other than broken bones and a hurting soul?
I can feel the pain flowing through my veins
The shards of glass sinking deeper into my flesh
Praying for the pain to go away
But instead, lovely memories fade away
I'm bottling a false hope inside of me
Hallucinating fireworks and sparks of happiness
Covering the pain with a fake smile
While I silently wait to exhale
And hope to vanish someday
I closed my notepad before checking my phone for new messages but none, not even from Jude. I let out a sigh and tried calling but all I heard was "hey, it's Jude leave a message" I sighed. It was already 2am. I reluctantly let my eyes close promising to go over to her place first thing tomorrow.
Tears strained down my cheeks as I looked at the house. It was empty, desolate and I didn't even get to say one last goodbye to Jude. I'd been a total dumbass yesterday and here I was staring at a door hoping it'll stop their plane and somehow pull them back here. I'm pretty dumb right? Tell me about it. Dusk was fast approaching and I'd finally willed myself to return home. All I'd done the entire day was cry except if you'll count constantly cussing and throwing stones as something. I closed my eyes and the darkness from within took over, clouding my soul from within.