I had always been told that when I was little, I was always joyful. Smiling and spreading laughter throughout the world. Nothing could make my smile fade, talk for hours on end, and be loving to those around me. A time when everyone believed, would grow up to do something great. Relatives showered praise on me, neighbors loved me…life was easy.
My parents blame my sudden incompetence when it comes to studying upon my friends, my fading smile on technology, and my frustration on teenage incompetence. The world around me revealed its claws like a rabid animal, changing me each time. Thoroughly making sure to take away something precious to me every time.
In elementary school I was tall, athletic, smart and most important of all, I didn't know the pain of society. In my innocent years, I even got close enough with a girl to have a relationship. She would draw flowers and hearts around my name, every time I would sign it on paper. She would sit next to me, talk to me, laugh at my wittiness, and in my young eyes, beautiful. I still remember the day, when everything started to slip out of my hands, sand particles sleeping through the cracks unable to be contained.
When I started middle school, I moved to a new neighborhood, a small town on the outskirts. Everything started to clear up, as if a fog had been lifted from my eyes, I saw the cruel reality of society, and life. As an orphan, it became painfully clear in middle school that I was not the same as my family. My kin were not my own, my skin color, hair, and face was just so different. So different that I was forced to be ashamed of who I was, in hopes of not being laughed at or cast off by the popular ones.
As I approached high school, the other kids became taller while I became smaller, acne scars teared everywhere across my face. Yet, I was still popular, still happy, still not friendless…yet lonely. My grades suffered slightly, but my parents still pushed me. People still had dreams for me, relatives still wished me, but nothing motivated me. Every girl I charmed, only treated me as a funny friend, every academic achievement was secondary, and athletic but I wasn't tall enough. Being good at everything might as well be a curse, I could never excel at anything.
Now that I am a sophomore, I was envious. Envious of the achievements of my friends and family. Each day I put on a show of joy, but every night I sat in the dark. Feeling lonely, sad, and just so angry at the world. God. And myself. Wishing to be taller, a bit more handsome, a bit more smarter, just a bit more.
As I stared up at the ceiling fan, I felt the horrible gulp form in my throat. My eyes are heavy, drained, and hard yet still refusing to let the pain out. Last I cried was in fifth grade when my parents told me we were moving. I was nobody's golden child anymore. Just holding on to wishes and cursing everything about myself, from my height to my sanity.
I felt like shit. Sad tunes dictated my life outside of the public's view, I sang my lungs out in the shower to loneliness. Every night laying in the darkness, thoughts traveling throughout my mind. Some jealousy, some wishes, and others dreams. Each one ranging from physical enhancement to magical rebirth, I was lost. No one to trust, everything felt tiring. Shutting my eyes, I took comfort in my fake scenarios as the world faded.
A cold day, I woke up to the sound of my blaring alarm, shivering. I forced my body to move. As I did my routine, brushing my teeth, unbothered by my bedhead, and changing into clothes after a bit of hesitance. I settled on just wearing something warm and comfy throwing on my large puffy jacket. Breakfast was simple, eggs cooked for the week in the fridge and a glass of milk. Although I hated eggs and drinking milk early in the morning, I did it anyway as my mother would get upset. Forcing myself to swallow while spitting out half the food, I went to sit on the stairs. It was my routine to sit there and just stare out the window before I had to leave for my bus stop.
Typically, I would have twenty to ten minutes to just let my thoughts drift. Feeling particularly miserable about myself, even more so because of the dreary weather, I tried to figure out my day. Trying to make out highlights, nothing was coming to mind.
Closing the heavy iron door, a cold wind hit my skin, rattling my bones. Shivering slightly, I pulled out my phone walking down the familiar street to my nearby bus stop. Opening the journal app, I got ready to collect my thoughts and write something down…except I couldn't think of anything. Looking through my meager writings, I lingered over the entries about Sophie. A new girl that I was attracted to, but I had no courage to ask her out. Feeling even more depressed, I fell deeper into my slump.
Sounds of teens chattering filled my ear, as I made my way to the now familiar table my friends and I had designated as our own before school started. School replicated the outside world in many ways in my opinion. People formed different groups and unspoken rules existed that all groups followed and understood. Such as, not interfering with another group's table or moving to someone's seat where they sit every day. Social hierarchies had been formed, with athletes and popular kids sitting together in large bunches acting stupid, while outcasts sat hidden in the shadowy corners. On the other hand, I was the strangest of all…I could sit with any of the groups but never be a part of one.
Currently I was with the average kids, before that I was with the pretty boys and jocks, and even before that I was sitting with the debate nerds. I could never figure out myself after my elementary years, what I should be and who I should act as. Cracking a smile, I forced myself to laugh and chatter, easily molding myself with my friends, as we waited for the bell to ring.
Today my first class was computer science, as I made my way across the halls, I greeted and smiled at my friends heading off into different directions. Sitting in my chair waiting for the other guys, I went straight to my phone. My first class was pretty free with nothing much to do, we hopped onto an online game for the rest of the period. It was an easy class, as I joked and talked, I felt my energy decrease as the bell drew closer for my next class.
My debate period always felt like a scene out of a romance movie. No friends, no teachers, nothing. This hallway always felt empty, walking down this hall, I always felt myself falling deeper into that sense of jealousy.
Putting on a fake smile, I confidently walked in through the door. Greeting the juniors and seniors, always standing by the door chatting about something useless, I made my way to my seat. Not knowing what to do, I sat there just listening to everyone else…until she walked in.
As my debate partner sat across from me, I tried to wrestle with my clashing emotions. Now my debate partner was a very chill dude, and super nice…smart…tall…athletic…hardworking…and close friends with her.
In my life, I have always pretended to be a nice guy. Happy on the outside, trying to keep everyone satisfied, but on the inside I burned. Attention, I craved, if only a little from someone special. From someone like her or the many other hers like her. As I sat not knowing what to do, stealing glances at her face, I felt depressed.
She laughed at my humor, but she talked to another. She listened to all my secrets, but told hers to another. I gave my hundred percent to keep her happy, she told me about other boys. Smiling through the pain, I would give her feedback on the other boys that she thought were cute, while not knowing what to do about my wound. She wasn't meant to be mine. Another love, another attraction, was now another memory for me.
As I moved away back to my now empty table, I saw my debate partner sitting next to her. They were chatting away, laughing, even when he ignored her. The rest of the day went by painfully slow…I had gotten used to the repetitive lifestyle of school, daydreaming to keep myself sane.
Finishing my other two classes, algebra and biomedical science, I was finally back home. My parents were both gone, so the house was empty for the next few hours, they usually came back before dinner.
Feeling sad, I curled up in a ball on my bed, wrapping myself tightly with the blanket…sleep took over me. With that, everything went black as time disappeared and my thoughts of a better life faded.