Part 1
"My dear archivists, let us begin," and so they started to eat a kilo of ice cream each.
An archivist is responsible for preserving and managing historical records for a state government.
The three men sat in their apartment, each having a table glued next to each other and each having a phone. The head of the office, George Porkland, has 4 months left until retirement and wears large glasses.
The 2nd in command, Daniel Barfly Dan, has messy black hair and a long Turkish mustache.
And the new employee, the one with the large head, Bob.
After they ate ice cream, they went home 5 hours early. The following day, it was May 5th, 1979. George and Bob came early, Daniel was nowhere to be found. George put his bare foot on the table and began to cut his toenails, the phone rang but no one answered.
"Sir, please, this is extremely unprofessional."
"I have to cut my nails, they're driving me crazy!" Saliva went out of George's mouth. Then Daniel came in. "If I was Speedy Gonzales, I'd still be late for work," he sat down.
Bob looked at him. "You're two hours late."
"So?" Daniel was dumbfounded. George put his foot down, putting a sock with red toes and putting it on his shoes. "How dare you insult Daniel, who's been slaving here for years. He is excused to be late sometimes."
"He's been late for two hours."
Daniel lost his patience. "Do you see how rotten youth is? He's been working here for a year and he thinks he's on the same level as us, who've been working here for 30 years."
"I am on the same level as you."
"Shut your mouth!" George adjusted his glasses.
The phone rang again, no one answered. "Aren't you gonna answer it? I mean, this is extremely unprofessional," said Bob.
"Then you answer it since you're so professional," said George while Bob did nothing. Daniel read the newspaper and George began to eat a kilo of ice cream, Bob started writing.
The phone rang again, George angrily grabbed it, "WE'RE ON BREAK!" he slammed the phone down. A minute later, it rang again, "WE'RE ON BREAK MAN!" then all three phones rang, "DANIEL GIVE ME THE SCISSORS!"
"How about you answer the phone for once, huh?" said Bob. George adjusted his glasses, "Oh, you want me to answer it, huh? Smartass. Fine, I will."
He picked up the phone and said, "Hello, this is the head archivist George Porkland, am I speaking to the animal farm?... no? Then how come I'm talking to a cow?" Daniel and George burst out laughing. Bob shook his head and looked at them.
Daniel said, "Oh, good one, George."
George, barely containing his laughter, said, "Hey, Daniel, do you have a pig's head?"
"Oh, yes George, you know my family ate the pork la- you son of a bitch."
George laughed harder, Daniel smirked and said, "How many legs does a spider have?"
George looked at Bob, who showed with his fingers, "ha! Eight!"
"I'll inflate your mom."
George stood up, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY ONLY MOTHER, THE WOMAN THAT I LIVE WITH!"
"Hey, hey, can we please not argue?" pleaded Bob. George sat down, glaring at Daniel, who said, "I can't believe that I forgot the good news?"
"What good news?" asked Bob.
Daniel leaned back in his chair and smiled, "Valentino is getting fired."
Bob was shocked. "The director?"
George laughed, he turned to Bob, "alright, go get us coffee and buy us lunch, then sweep the dust, clean the floor. It looks like a 50-year-old untouched crime scene, then finish the documents. I counted 137 unfinished ones, it's a disgrace!"
"What?"
Daniel leaned forward, tapping his index finger on his desk, "then you're gonna clean my shoes, and if you complain, you'll be cleaning them with your tongue."
"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm not hired to do that!"
George spoke in an authoritative voice, "I am the head archivist, I decide what goes."
"I will do no such thing. This is bullying. I'm going to complain to the director."
George and Daniel laughed. "Go ahead." George handed him the phone.
"You think I'm afraid of you!? I will complain. You two haven't touched a single document since I got here!" Bob grabbed the phone, he waited then spoke, "Hey Mary, it's so nice to hear your voice... yes," he smiled, "he, I would like to speak to the director."
George and Daniel looked at him, shaking their heads. Bob spoke, "Yes, director, I would like to report harassment at the workplace."
George yanked the phone from Bob. "HEY!" he laughed, "How is my former bitch!? .. drunk? No, I'm not drunk. I'm happy, why? Cause someone is going to end up like a pigeon being hit by a truck and become nothing, NOTHING!" he slammed the phone down.
Bob said, "It won't end like-"
"It will," George smiled. Daniel went outside, "I'm gonna grab some whiskey."
George began to eat his ice cream greedily, Bob started writing to calm himself down. George grabbed the paper. "George, give it back!"
George read it aloud, "Your heart is like honey and your soul is like a lollipop."
A pause.
Then he laughed, "Is this what you're gonna give to Mary? She's above your level, boy," he laughed.
"Have you never heard of privacy!?"
George wiped his mouth with the paper. "I'll show you true writing, listen to this poem from Angelo Angelico: sing a song suck my dick."
...
"...and is that it?"
George stood up angrily and yelled, "YOU DO NOT KNOW THE WRITINGS OF ANGELO ANGELICO! HOW UNEDUCATED ARE YOU!?"
Daniel came in looking down. George sat, "Where's the whiskey?"
"There is no whiskey."
"What!?"
Daniel sat down, he hesitated to speak before he finally uttered, "...Johnson tricked me."
Bob smiled, "Looks like you messed up boys."
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! YOUR FATHER'S A THIEF AND YOU'RE USELESS!" George began to angrily eat ice cream, stuffing his face in.
Daniel said, "George, I'm sorry."
George balled his fist on the table and grumbled something incoherent. Then he rang up the phone and yelled, "GIVE ME THE DIRECTOR!" while the ice cream dripped from his chin.
He looked at Daniel and handed him the phone, "Now you explain to the director why you're such a fuck up!"
"George please wait."
"Daniel...the phone is ringing."
Daniel began to run.
"GET BACK HERE OR I'LL EAT YOUR INTESTINES!"
George heard the director, "Oh director, it was a prank, a dumb joke, you see...yes...yeah...ok...say hi to your mother for me."
He put the phone down, Daniel came back, "Oh so now you decide to come back, you traitor, when it's all cooled down?"
"I'm sorry George, I can't risk it, I have a wife, two boys, and a daughter, it was an honest mistake."
George scoffed.
Bob said, "So, what did Director Valentino say?"
"We need to solve a document and have it on his desk by 12 pm tomorrow." George tapped his nails on the desk and said, "You brat, get the document of Cockmen and finish it."
"You two dug this mess and you'll seal it."
George pulled out a sausage from his pants, "GET TO WORK OR I'LL SHOVE THIS DOWN YOUR THROAT!"
Bob was startled, he went to find the document. 5 minutes passed, "It isn't here." George clapped his hands, "How useless can he be?"
Daniel stood up, "Relax George, I'll find it and you brat, look at how the old school does it."
George said in a firm tone, "You can learn a thing or two from him instead of looking at pictures of naked milfs!"
"I-I never did!" 2 minutes passed, "It isn't here, George," Daniel scratched his head,
George clapped and looked up, "How useless can you two be?" He went over to find the document, a minute later, "The document isn't here."
Part 2
George sat on his chair, tapping his fingers on his desk impatiently. Daniel was sweating. The door opened, "Where the hell were you? Did you do an operation or went to fetch a document?" said George.
Bob spoke, "I couldn't find the document anywhere. I checked virtually the entire building. I asked Mary, if she doesn't know, then no one knows."
"So what are you gonna do now? I have 4 months left until retirement and that cocksucker Valentino is gonna fire me. But no, he can't fire me like a normal person, he has to play psychological games. I should have known that he was after me. Cockmen isn't even a name," George said, waving his finger. "I remember when he came here in his diapers and served me breakfast every day. He can never remember that I ordered the same thing every day, and now he's the director. Is this a democracy or a monarchy?"
"That's not all," Bob smiled.
"What now?" said Daniel.
"Director Valentino announced that there will be one person laid off in every office because we're merging with another company. However, he told me that two people from this very office are going to be laid off."
Daniel started to cry. "Oh god, oh god, why, why, oh god, Daniel, what have you lived to see? A wife, three kids, oh god," Daniel darted towards the documents frantically.
Bob said, "Daniel, the document isn't there."
"YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHERE IT IS!?" He pulled out a bottle of wine and swung it to his lips.
"Calm down already," said George. "How do we know that you're not the one being laid off?" He looked at Bob, who smiled. "You two haven't done anything in years."
"Oh, and you did? Oh, I shat myself from all the hard work you've done. You spend more time at the pool than in the office."
"N-not true!"
Daniel stopped drinking, slightly hopeful. The phone rang, Bob's phone. He answered it, "Oh hey dad... yeah... what!? Why did you... ugh, god, why!? How could you - that asshole hung up on me!" Bob slammed the phone.
"What's the matter, Bob?" asked Daniel.
Bob hesitated before he said, "My dad got into an argument with Director Valentino. I'm the one who's screwed."
Daniel smiled, "The timing couldn't have been better. Oh, Daniel, you're saved."
"Like hell you are. Valentino is a sick prick. He'll probably fire all three of us just for shits and giggles," George waved his finger and spoke in a firm manner. "I, George Porkland, did not become the head archivist of this office so easily. I have this," he pulled a key, "a replica of the drawer where Valentino keeps all the important stuff. So here's what I propose: you, Daniel, will go to Valentino's office, talk to him, chit chat. I'll sneak inside, open the..."
Daniel was drinking the wine excessively. "Daniel!"
Daniel nearly coughed.
"Oh, we're try at night!"
Bob said. "I won't have any part of this."
"YOU WILL OR THIS SAUSAGE WILL ENTER YOUR MOUTH!"
Past midnight.
They snuck inside.
"I told you, no one keeps guard of this place, as there's nothing to steal," said Bob.
They walked around wearing all black and had black stockings on their heads. They opened the door to Valentino's office. George opened the drawer. "No," said George.
"Oh god, what now?" said Daniel.
Bob was shaking.
George said, "Cockmen is a real person."
"Poor bastard," smiled Daniel.
"Can we please just take whatever we need and leave?" Said Bob.
They took the documents and headed towards the door. A bright light shined. They froze in fear, heard footsteps. "But I thought," Bob couldn't finish as George said, "You thought wrong, dumbass," he whispered loudly.
They hid under the desk. The guard entered, confused, "Is someone here?" He shined his light across the room. Bob had his eyes closed. He heard footsteps approaching quietly but becoming louder and louder until they stopped. He saw light through his closed eyes.
Did he find them?
He didn't dare to open his eyes until he heard, "Dammit, I hate working the night shift. It's making me go crazy."
The guard closed the door and left. The three slowly opened the door. Once the guard was far from sight, they walked back to the exit and left.
Part 3
George looked at the documents without blinking. "Goddamit George, just open them. We should've done this last night," said Daniel. George licked the tip of his index finger and opened the documents. He put on his glasses, leaned in. "Oh, shit, I brought my mom's glasses," he leaned in closer, squinting his eyes. "No chance, I cna't see anything."
"Oh, would you please just give them to me," Bob extended his hand. George gave him the documents. Bob read them. "Jesus."
"Come on, what is it?" Daniel was biting his nails. Bob said, "38 employees to be laid off and our names are listed, but Director Valentino needs 20 secretaries, 15 of which to serve him."
Daniel cried and yelled at the same time. "What is this!? He has 20 apartments in one town, 50 from all over the world, a private island, and he is with 100 secretaries at the same time fucking them! And here I am forced to confront my crying daughter on why I don't have money to buy her a stuffed Winnie the Poo."
George said in a firm voice. "It's Pooh, idiot, but not to worry, my dear archivists, George Porkland will deal with this. We're going to change the document so we are not listed, and we will finish the Cockmen document as well. We have 4 hours, so that's plenty of time. Let's go."
They worked fixing the documents for hours until it was done. 5 minutes left to spare. George breathed heavily. "Bob, get those documents to Valentino, and if he says something, tell him to suck my dick... kk, you don't need to say that last part."
Bob went.
Daniel asked, "Will this work?"
"Of course, it will. God, I have the desire to eat 10 kilos of ice cream," Bob returned later.The rest of the day was all normal.
Hours pass.
Nothing.
Next day they arrive at work. They paid attention to how the other employees eyed them. No one did anything. It was all normal. 2 days gone, typical day at the office.
A week passes, and they forgot all about it.
"My literary taste is excellent," said George. Bob didn't believe him. "Come on, you don't seem to me like a person that reads."
"How dare you, I swallow books!" The door swung open. The police rushed them and cuffed them.
"What? You must have mistaken," George said sheepishly.
Then emerged Valentino. "Hello, archivists."
"What is going on?" Bob said.
"Don't play dumb. I knew what you did. You're all like the Three Stooges. You never thought of the cameras, ey? I knew you did it from the start, morons. I let you relax for a while just to see your dumb shocked faces."
"No, please, don't do this. Please, I have a wife, kids," Daniel pleaded.
Then his wife came and kissed Valentino on the lips.
"What!?" Daniel was shocked. "Emily, why?"
"Oh, shut up, you pathetic drunk. You always whine about how you don't have money but hoard it all away to buy alcohol," she yelled, holding back tears.
"Emily, sweetie, I-,"
"Shut your pathetic drunk mouth! Valentino saved me and the kids. He's a real man unlike you. Oh, and his dick is bigger than yours!
"YOU FUCKING WHORE I'LL KILL YOU!,"
The police held Daniel tight. Valentino spoke, "Oh, Daniel, Emily told me you're an abusive husband. Well, this won't look good in court. You were gonna get 15 years, but with this, you might get a lot more."
"N-no, please, wait, Emily," the police dragged Daniel outside. Next, they dragged Bob. "S-sir, please, I didn't. They forced me. I wasn't."
"Shhh, Bob," he patted his head. "Look how big that head of yours is. I thought you'd be smarter. But don't worry. I wonder how the public image of your father is gonna be once the news spreads that his son is a petty thief," Valentino then went to George.
George looked down, he was frightened and shaking. He was too scared to look at Valentino in the eye. Valentino whispered to George, "You know when I came to work here, I wasn't assigned to wash your car."
Valentino was seething. He grabbed George's chin and forced him to look into his green eyes. "I could've fired you 5 years ago, but I waited until now , oh, it was so much sweeter, now, I hope that your mother won't die of a heart attack when she finds out about you," he smirked and let go of George. The police dragged him outside.
Emily held Valentinos arm as he looked through the window, seeing George, Daniel, and Bob being thrown in police cars.