Chapter 1
Inside the dressing room, nonsensical drumming took place. The guitar filled the room with the sounds of a wah pedal, and the bass was muffled out. The band's angry British manager, named Big Willie, stomped his way inside, barely fitting through the door. He scratched his almost bald head and wiped his black mustache and adjusted his golden watch then yelled, "Come on already!"
The crowd, numbering in the thousands, was eager for the show. It was July of 1977, a heatwave had passed, and the temperature was just fine. People could finally go outside and witness the energy of live music. No one knew which band would be playing; it was kept a secret with just a few hints. Some thought it would be Black Sabbath, others Led Zeppelin. The crowds cheered loudly, and when the music started, their jaws almost fell to the floor. It wasn't Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin; instead, it was The Sabbath Zephyrs.
Chapter 2
The band was led by the lead guitarist and vocalist, Falcon Plant, a 186 cm tall man with blonde, curly hair. He frequently shook his head left and right, knocking the microphone every time. Falcon went for high notes he could never reach, and only sang in them. He regularly showed off his shirtless body while the crowd covered their eyes at his out-of-shape physique. His guitar skills were excellent; however, he had an obsession with 10-minute-long wah pedal solos.
The bassist, Jak Jon, played slower than the rest of his bandmates and was always out of rhythm. However, the bass was turned down so much that not even the harpy eagle would be able to hear it, and Jak still had no clue about it. He also had a tendency to walk like a dinosaur on stage, as he believed it was cool.
Finally, the drummer, Randy "The Smacker," played the drums as he pleased, with no rhyme or reason, usually doing the same drum fills because he liked them. Randy was talented in drumming, he just showed it off once in a blue moon. Randy was a former porn star, and he still very much looked and dressed like an average '70s adult film actor. He lost his job after complaining that an actress's breasts were too small and proceeded to slap the casting director. The Sabbath Zephyrs were in desperate need of a drummer. By chance, Randy broke into their house while high and took a bunch of buckets, playing them like drums. Falcon was so impressed he hired him immediately.
The crowd couldn't stand their performances; they were booing and throwing shirts at them. However, the Sabbath Zephyrs thought this meant they were loved, misreading the boos as cheers.
Every band member seemed like they were playing a different song entirely, a chaotic mishmash of noise. Falcon never bothered to memorize the lyrics, so he sang whatever words came to mind. Randy was high and randomly hitting the drums, while Jak was the only one trying to play the song correctly, but he struggled as his bob-cut wig kept falling off. Thankfully, the band only needed to play three songs. As the show was about to end, the props failed, and Falcon was set on fire.
Chapter 3
"How is it? Tell me!" Falcon was yelling.
Jak tried to calm him down. "Relax, man, the doctor said your skin is fine."
"Forget the skin! I only care for my golden hair!"
Jak gasped. "You idiot, here I am worried about your skin and you worry about your hair!"
Falcon went to tear his shirt with his hands but was unable to, so he yelled, "At least I have hair!"
"Don't you dare start this," then they heard their manager yelling at someone, "You idiots, what am I paying you for?" He went inside the dressing room and began to barricade the door. Falcon stood at the door, "The hell is up with you, Willie, did you take my drugs again?"
"Move, you brat, they're coming!"
Jak said. "Who's coming?"
An army of fangirls ran screaming, "Where is he, where is he?" Falcon smirked, he took off his shirt and went to them, "Hey, ladies."
"Ew, that's not Robert Plant, that's just some loser." They walked off. Falcon Plant was livid, "Whores! Lesbians!" He angrily slammed the door, a few seconds later there was a knock. "GOD DAMMIT!" Falcon grabbed a knife and opened the door. Randy was startled, "Woah, man, chill." Falcon narrowed his eyes, "You have my drugs, right?"
"Of course, were you going to stab me if I didn't!?"
Willie was annoyed, "Shut it, brats, I need to work out the schedule, we're performing at Madison Square Garden after all."
Falcon scoffed, "As the opening act, which means nothing."
Jak adjusted his wig, "Be more selfless, Plant, after all, this is a huge honor and it's about time you let me play a bass solo."
Falcon laughed, "Like hell you will, bassists are irrelevant, the only bassist I know is what's his name from The Beatles."
Randy was eating a candy bar and said, "Where should I put the marijuana, Falcon?"
"In the fridge, and don't take any."
Randy was dumbfounded, "The fridge? Are you out of your mind?"
"It's the last place anyone would expect it, so it goes in the fridge!"
Falcon sat down and lit a cig, "God, I hope we won't have to play 'The Song Remains the Same' again."
Jak smirked, "You sound more and more like Robert Plant, he also doesn't want to play 'Stairway to Heaven' live anymore."
"Shut it with those pointless comparisons, we are better than Led Zeppelin, we are the masters of rock!"
Willie stood up with a paper in hand, "Not according to this critic, he says, and I quote, 'The Sabbath Zephyrs are unoriginal and tired rip-offs of much superior bands. The Sabbath Zephrys try hard to reach the same loose feeling and musical showmanship of Led Zeppelin, even naming several songs by them and even have a lead singer that is a mirror image of Robert Plant.
At the same time, the Sabbath Zephrys also try to at times imitate the dark mood and heavy riffs of Black Sabbath, to no avail. The band is simply lazy, uninspired clones, and no one should give them the time of day.' End quote."
Falcon was shaking with rage, "I would say to that critic to suck my dick, but considering all critics are fags, he'll probably like it." Jak turned on the TV, "There's too much tension here, I have to relax to some TV." He turned on the news. Falcon said, "Ah yes, the news, very relaxing."
The news lady spoke, "Urgent news at the Madison Square Garden, a thief has been stealing bands' equipment, and the latest victims are Led Zeppelin.Unfortunately, they won't be able to perform tonight as even their backup equipment was stolen." Silence fell upon the room, followed by panic. Willie was shaking, "If they stole from Led Zeppelin, then they won't have trouble stealing from us!"
All of them started to run frantically. Jak was sweating, "They will not steal my bass, my first bass, the one that I stol-. I-I mean, it was a gift!"
They quickly reached the equipment room and saw a man with glasses picking up all the equipment. Falcon clenched his fist, "That son of a bitch." Willie grabbed his arm, "Easy, we'll give him some medicine, alright? Follow my lead."
They all crouched and snuck behind the man. Willie grabbed a wrench, stood right behind the man, the man turned, and Willie smashed his kneecap. Jak sprinted and put his wig in the man's mouth, Randy shoved his drumsticks in the man's rear end, and Falcon started choking him with guitar wires.
Everyone kicked him and started jumping on him. Willie was smiling, "You won't steal from me anymore!" They stopped, poured whiskey for themselves, and went back to the dressing room to call the cops. Randy said, "We showed him," as they came in, the news played again. "New news surrounding the thief of music equipment has surfaced and it was all a hoax. Led Zeppelin's instruments were not stolen, and no one else's were." The four of them stared in disbelief. Falcon said, "You gotta be shitting me." They quickly ran back to the man, Willie checked up on him. Jak gulped, "W-well?"
"He's dead."
Chapter 4
Jak sweated like crazy. "Jesus Christ, he's dead. What are we to do now?"
Falcon pointed his finger at Willie. "This is your damn fault!"
"Get that finger out of my face or I'll tear it off your hand,"
Randy tried to go between them. "Guys, chill. We'll just call the cops and tell them what happened,"
Falcon was livid. "Fool! They'll lock us all up. Fucking Christ, my career is over. You ruined us all, Willie!"
"Oh, shut up, you spoiled brat. You would've killed the man anyway. So, you three shut up and let me think," Willie paced back and forth. He took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Alright... I got a plan. We're gonna take the body, put it in the box with wheels that transports the guitars, cover it with blankets, go to the back, put the body in the trunk, drive off to the cemetery that's 15 minutes away from here, bury the body in one of those unmarked graves. Come back here, give the people a good show, and back to normal,"
Falcon raised his eyebrow. "What a genius you are," he said sarcastically.
"Oh, shut up and let's get a move on,"
Randy backed away. "No way, man. I ain't touching a dead body,"
Jak spoke. "I don't like it either, but our options seem limited. We gotta do this act to save ourselves,"
Randy scratched his head. "I am a devoted Christian. I can't be doing any of this,"
Willie lost it. "When I cook for you, you say you're a vegetarian. When I buy you a new set of drums painted yellow, your favorite color, you go and say your favorite color is purple. And now you're telling me you're a Christian, when you get high as a fucking elephant every day!?"
"I use weed for medical purposes."
"I'm going to fuck your entire race, you Irish cunt!"
Falcon lit a cig. "Yell louder, boys. I'm not sure that the whole of Madison Square Garden heard ya."
Willie coughed. "We're putting this body in here, and you, Randy, fuck off out of here."
Randy went his way. The three grabbed the body. Jak was disgusted. He felt how cold and lifeless it was, the same feeling when he picked up the dead rabbits he used to hunt. Willie looked at the door and saw several people walking in every direction. He muttered, "Where the fuck were these people when we first waltzed in here?" They began to push and walk past the crowds. "Remain normal," said Willie.
Falcon and Willie were slightly nervous, while Jak was completely shaking. They were nowhere near the exit until they were stopped. "Hey, what are you doing with the equipment? I'm supposed to put it on stage,"
Willie said. "Oh, we're just checking out on them, a final test run, you know."
The man was confused. "If there's something wrong with it, allow me to see it. I'll detect a problem right away," he began to take off the blanket until Falcon grabbed his wrists. "Listen... sir, it's all fine. Just a final jam session is all. We'll be on schedule," the man narrowed his eyes. "Well then, be quick. You're on in 40 minutes." He walked away. Falcon began to push quickly, but Willie stopped him. "What the hell are you doing, Willie?"
"It's too risky. Let's just go to the dressing room and devise another plan."
At the same time, Randy was smoking weed and watching the stage. It was a special tribute to one famous rockstar who had passed away. "God save the queen" was played. Randy sang it proudly, but at a slight glance, he saw one man was sitting down, not rising for the anthem. Randy was disgusted.
He rushed towards the man, shoving several people in his way. "What the hell are you doing?"
"What?"
"Don't play coy with me, you old fart. Tell me what the hell is wrong with you. At that age, and you're rotten," Randy grabbed him by the collar.
"I have no idea-" Randy punched him viciously, knocking the man to the ground. Randy continued to stomp and kick him until he realized... the man had no legs.
Falcon punched the wall several times. "What the hell, Willie? We could've made it!?"
"We would't have. It would've been obvious that something was wrong," Falcon sat down, frustrated. Jak bit his nails. Afterwards, they heard knocking. The police came in.
A tall Scottish police officer spoke, "Your little friend here caused quite a scene, and we believe you have drugs here."
Jak responded, "Well, which rockstar doesn't?" Falcon nudged him. The Scotsman said, "We'll take a look around." Willie stood right in front where the body was hidden. Falcon was feeling smug, until an officer opened the fridge and his heart sank.
There were no drugs there. He went to Randy and whispered, "Where did you put the drugs?"
"Oh, they're under the mattress."
"You i-" Falcon stopped himself right in time. The officers didn't hear him. Under the mattress is the most common place where drugs are stored. The officers examined everything. They didn't touch the box with the dead body hiding inside, but one officer looked at the bed for a few seconds, turned around.
"Tch, nothing. All clear," and the officers left. Everyone was relieved. Willie said, "And the tax payer money goes to those incompetent fools."
Jack said, "Quiet, Willie. We would've gone to jail if it was otherwise."
Randy smelled something. "Hey, who died in he- oh, wait, nevermind."
Willie took off the blanket, and the body was wet and defecated. Willie said, "This is bad. It's already deteriorating so fast." A knock on the door, and a short man with glasses, looking identical to the man they killed, said, "Hey, guys, change of plans. You'll be going on in 5 minutes."
Chapter 5
"Eh...yeah, got it," said Willie.
The man with the glasses smiled and looked excited. "You know me and my twin brother are such big fans of yours. Can't wait to see you live for the first time. Oh, and by the way, you're gonna play 'The Song Remains the Same', right?"
Falcon twitched his eye. "Fuck no!"
"Oh, you're just like Robert Plant who refuses to play 'Stairway to Heaven'."
"Oh for fuck's sake, what else is Plant going to play but 'Stairway to Heaven'? We, on the other hand, have a catalogue of masterpieces,"
Willie said quietly. "More like disasterpieces,"
The man with the glasses sniffed the air. "Hey, what's that smell?" Willie grabbed his shoulders and moved him to the door. "We must hurry to the show now. See you there."
"Oh yeah, s-" the door was closed. Jak said, "We need to get rid of this body."
"You think?" said Falcon.
Willie said, "We're going with our plan. You just help me reach the car, and I'll handle it." Willie peaked outside, the coast was clear. They began to move and smoothly reached the back exit until Jak yelped,
"What is it?" said Randy, and next thing they knew, Jak was cuddling a pig.
"What the hell is a pig doing here?" Uttered Falcon while Jak responded, "Isn't he cute?"
Willie, frustrated, said, "Goddammit, you're better off putting it in the oven than cuddling it!" The sound of a microphone was heard, and it was the introduction of the Sabbath Zephyrs.
"Well, shit, we gotta perform and we haven't even had our equipment ready," Falcon said, while Willie said, "Never mind, just go there, give them a show. I'll handle this."
The body was in the trunk, and Willie entered the car of the Sabbath Zephyrs, a black car with paint of red hooded figures worshipping an inverted pentagram. Jak waved as he put on a new wig. "Good luck, Willie," he began to move with the other band members, but they all suddenly stopped, and Jak looked over to Willie. "Eh...where is the stage again?"
"Fucking useless!" Willie drove off.
He drove the car fast, breaking the speed limit, but to his dismay, it started to rain. When he finally reached the old cemetery, he went outside, took the body. He was unable to carry it, so he dragged it down. The heavy rain caused mud, and Willie's expensive gangster-like shoes were swallowed by the mud.
He barely reached the top. He was wheezing, sweaty, covered by rain and mud reached his white pants. "You caused me a lot of trouble. Yet again, I am to blame...I feel like I should say something for your... funeral... Um...you were a good man." Willie continued to drag him, but saw a group of people there.
He hid behind a grave. There were 5 people with black cloaks and umbrellas looking at a grave. Willie thought, "The hell are these people doing in the middle of the night? Are they damn occultists?" One of them turned their head at Willie. "Sir, are you alright?"
Willie grabbed the body and ran but slipped and fell into the mud. He went down finally, landing with a loud thump and having a mouthful of mud. He coughed and then sneezed. He threw the body in the trunk and drove off. He adjusted his gold watch and wiped the mud. "If I were a manager of Black Sabbath, I would gladly do this every day, but I'm a manager of the fucking Sabbath Zephyrs! If they weren't stupid enough to realize that I'm stealing from them, I would've never even gotten any decent clothes."
As Willie was driving, out of nowhere, rocks were thrown at his car. He abruptly stopped. "What the..." He looked around and saw several grandmas throwing rocks at him.
"Satanist!" Then they moved to bricks, smashing the back windshield.
"You goddamn hags!" He turned his car towards them and attempted to run them over. "I won't feel guilty in killing you!" The grandmas ducked and coughed from the smoke. Willie passed them and flipped the bird.
Willie saw a trash container. He stopped the car, grabbed the body, and threw it there. "Finally," he went to his car to recollect himself. He took out a small bottle of vodka and drank it in one gulp. "Let's see the time," he checked his watch. "What the...where's-" the watch was missing.
Willie looked up and saw garbage men picking up the container. Willie rushed to them. "Hey, wait!" One of the garbage men spoke, "Oh, Jesus Christ, the weirdos you see at night. This is why I prefer the day job."
Willie was breathing heavily and said, "Wait, my watch... I-it went inside, please let me check." The men rolled their eyes. "Ugh, fine, I could use a smoke break." They walked away, Willie began to frantically search.
He found the body with worms already infesting it, and in its mouth was the golden watch. Willie took the watch, "Dammit, maybe getting rid of it here isn't the best option."
He looked over at the garbage men. They had their backs turned and were smoking. Willie grabbed the body and dragged it down, slowly walking to his car. This time he threw it into the back seat and quickly drove back to Madison Square Garden. "Fuck, what should I do now? Ugh, I need help from those brats,"
He took the bodyoutside and dragged it, but heard footsteps. He frantically looked around and saw the ice machine as the only way to hide the body. He threw it in and sat down. The footsteps came nearer and were the steps of the Scottish policeman from before.
Chapter 6
"You look like shit. What happened to you?" the policeman asked.
Willie gulped. "I was minding my business until a homeless man attacked me. I kicked his ass and he left the results as this..."
"Those damn homeless men have been acting crazy, but I can't say I blame them. The country completely abandoned them. Anyway, you could use a drink." The policeman reached his hand to the ice machine. Willie slammed his hands down. "I'll get it."
The Scotsman raised an eyebrow but then took a cig and lit it on as he turned around. Willie began slowly to take out the drinks.The corpse was slightly under the ice, just enough not to be seen.
The policeman turned his head. "Damn, that cool air is nice." The policeman placed a hand inside the ice, his hand just 3 centimeters away from the body's hand. Willie looked at the body and back at the officer, sweat dripping.
"Tell me, Willie, how can you bear that idiotic band?"
"The things we do for money."
The officer moved his hand and touched the corpse's nose. "Huh..." Willie's flesh crawled.
"That's enough cooling." He took his hand out and grabbed the beer can and got a call. "What? Alright, I'll be there. Sorry, old boy, gotta move. You take care of yourself."
Willie sighed in relief. He grabbed the body. No one was inside, and he went into the band's dressing room, threw the body on the ground, and sat on the bench. The doors opened. Willie looked up. It was the band.
"Those losers don't understand real art!" said Falcon. The other members came in covered in tomatoes, and Jak was holding the pig while the pig was chewing his wig.
"What the fuck, Willie, you were supposed to get rid of the body!" Falcon said angrily. "Shut it, brat. Do you want the whole place to hear? There were problems, alright," Willie said, exhausted, as the door opened again.
"Hey, guy-" Randy shut the door. It was the man with the glasses.
Jak panicked. "Oh God, what do we do now?"
Willie looked around. "The closet!" The three of them grabbed the body while Randy held the door. As they were bringing it in the closet, halfway through, the pig began to bite the corpse's legs.
Falcon gritted his teeth. "Jak, if you don't get rid of that pig, I'm going to turn it into pork!"
Jak held the pig, and they threw the body in the closet. Randy opened the door. The man with the glasses said cheerfully, "You guys were so incredible live. I was thunderstruck. Oh, if only my twin saw you. He just...vanished all of a sudden. I don't know what happened. He told me he'd be there but wasn't. I hope he's alright."
Silence fell.
"Anyway, can you guys give me an autograph?" All the members signed one by one.
"Jeez, thanks, you legends. Hope to see you again sometime. Bye,"
Half Falcon said, "I thought that asshole would never leave!" The corpse fell from the closet and crashed to the ground. The pig immediately went to it. Willie collapsed to the floor. Jak rushed to him. "Willie!?"
Falcon said "Oh fuck, Willie. He's the one who got us into this mess and can't get us out!"
"Stop it, you're not helping!" Jak yelled.
Randy spoke. "Did anybody else get turned on when the crowd threw tomatoes at us?"
The door burst open. The man with the glasses. "Hey, guys. Forgot to ask for autographs for my twi-..."