If you think I'm weird, then take a look at my dad.
Nothing says weird than coming home from the most hectic day of YOUR LIFE and seeing your dad dressed up in a suit and sweatpants with a whisker in his face and some old apron strewn across his head.
Yeah. An old apron. On his head.
Could my life get ANY weirder?
my mom's dead, apparently considering the fact that my dad's all nuts and bolts most of his life. And don't ask me what he does for a living cause I, really have no idea. I think he was an enigmatic salesman last week and some wacky dishwater yesterday. God knows what he's trying to be today. probably the wacky-screwed-in-the-brain mega chef who's trying to force his daughter to depression-based suicide.
" I'm back!" I yelled through the ear-splitting noise, slamming the door shut and trying to retrace who I inherited my geeky genes from. With what I'm seeing now, I think I've got the answer.
My dad is literally doing fish walks across the kitchen, swimming on his belly across the couch.
" I'm home!" I yelled through the ear-cracking noise. He just went on swimming, whatever way he was going about that. " Dad for God sake!" I stomped through the cluttered mess of a living room into the kitchen, slamming the stereo off.
" Aww Daisy I was heading somewhere with that!"
" Yeah. To the county jail for neighborhood disturbance. I could practically hear that a mile away dad. What is wrong with you?…"
" Happiness!" He yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. I threw the fridge open. Just great. Left-over moldy bread, an apple with a hole right through the center and a pack of gums… ok who keeps gum in a fridge?!
" Seriously dad? You didn't go shopping today?"
" The rich do not need to shop Annabellisima!…" Ok say what now?
" I remember VERY clearly that my name is Daisy Willow Thompson" I shot, trying to be creative with the fridge " Which brings me to the fact that NO ONE NAMES THEIR CHILD AFTER A TREE!!!!!!!"
Dad shrugged " It was your mother's favorite tree"
" Do I look like a tree dad?"
" Technically speaking and considering the fact that you slightly green…"
" Green?" Ok this is the universe being completely unfair. By giving me the craziest dad IN THE Milky Way GALAXY!!!!! And considering its sheer size, that's me SAYING a lot!
" Dad I'm not green!" I yelled, staring down at the glob I'd scrapped for dinner, daisy's newest work of art. How does 'gummy apple cake' sound? Yuck. I'm thinking something-no-NORMAL-person'd-want-to-have-for-dinner-EVER! And I say normal in capitals because dad just gulped the entire thing in one swallow.
I'm SO unlucky.
" What do we have for dinner dad? I'm starving here"
he looked up in thought, jumping in on the couch by the kitchen. " aha!" He yelled, jumping. I sat up and stared at him expectantly. He looked so serious I actually felt a ray of hope springing through my heart. " I've got tuna!" I groaned, plopping my head against the plate rack.
" Dad those are the tuna miss Hedrick feeds to her cats and YOU basically rob them of it"
" For bad times. Like this" he dug his hand through one coat pocket and held out a tin of tuna that smelled way worse than him.
" Gosh dad!" I yelped, staggering away from him " If I come back to this world next time with you as my dad, I'm seriously asking for a refund" I stalked away from him, knowing all too well that he might just stuff the whole thing down my throat. " lets get take-out or we'll starve dad" he did a little bow.
" After you me-lady"
" After me? You're paying dad. and changing whatever that is. I can't believe I'm way cooler than you dad"
" Cooler than me? The possibility of that happening is a sharp 1 out of 2.5 million" Don't. Don't dare go like father, like daughter on me cause I'm seriously saving for my escape to somewhere in the hidden jungles of Africa to seek treatment for all the hazardous geeky fumes I've spent my life inhaling from dad.
My mom died a week after I was born so I didn't have the opportunity to BEG her to move me to an orphanage before dad got wind of my existence so ever since she died, its been me and dad against the world, with me dreading every bit of it. And on nights when dad decides to take his wave of madness a notch further, we just eat at the Annie wacky, his favorite actually cause the name totally sounds wacko and wacko's my dad's style and also because they give free balloons to the best and well behaved customers. lets just say its actually the only place I can make dad behave.
" Daisy Thompson and her famous karaoke dad" Emily waters, the Annie wacky's slightly nuts waitress sang, placing around with the hem of her apron. " to what do we owe this surprise?"
" Dad forget to pick up groceries"
" I forget my list"
" You NEVER make lists dad!" I yelled, giving Emily a bright smile. "We'll have ham and eggs please. And get me an extra plate of hotdogs and chips please. And everything" dad nudged me on the shoulder and I glared at him.
" Yes dad?"
" I have to announce my fair maiden that I'm highly…"
" Yes dad we know you're madly in love with your gums." I turned to Emily " get him the orange flavor please"
" Daisy…"
" Dad I'm really, super, duper exhausted right now. Lets just wait for our order, sit and act like two perfectly NORMAL people. That's not so hard is it?" I walked on before he could speak, flopping against a seat like a dead doll. Dad slipped in beside me, fiddling with his napkin.
" How was the show?" He asked, trying to sound normal. Too bad it wasn't working cause he'd tucked his napkin inside out.
I let out a tired breath. " it was… fine I guess."
" You mean you didn't freak out. Or run away. Or hide in the bathroom till lights out…"
" Dad!"
" What? I'm just surprised."
" Why would you be?" I muttered " You're my dad after all"
" Your orders." Emily said, running her fingers softly through dad's. I gaped at them, dad smiling sheepishly and Emily twirling her hair in a bid to brainwash dad into doing her evil bidding! " And a hotdog for a hot man" Ok say what now?
" Straight from the mouth of a hot woman herself" Ok I feel like if I hear hot again I'm just gonna literally SCREAM!
Emily and Maxwell Thompson? My dad? As if the madness I have to endure isn't enough.
You gotta be kidding me universe!
" Do you like your ham?" Dad asked me and I nodded, too hungry to ignore my food. Dad went on and on about some new job he got, not that I was listening. Hearing the sound of his voice's just a constant reminder that I have no cure. I mean if he's going on 40 and he's still like this, what hope is there for me?
And what the hell does wacka-bool mean? Cause he just said that.
" its the holidays daisy." He began, slurping on his ketch-up. i don't bother to tell him its meant to be eaten WITH the ham. " so what are your plans?"
" I don't have a plan dad. Just gonna sit home and bury my head in my books all day. Probably go to the museum. And the library. Did you know we have like three just right down the street? And you can get free books in all three? And did you also know…"
" as much as I appreciate your innate desire for books and dedication daisy you need to have fun. Its a holiday daisy, not a bootcamp. Have fun, go out with tori…"
" Tori goes to shopping malls dad"
" You've only puked once in a shopping mall. It doesn't mean you'll puke again…"
" Ok dad will you stop saying puke?"
" That's not the message I'm trying to get here. All I'm trying to say is that you have to live, have fun."
" Considering the fact my the fault in my genes are OBVIOUSLY your fault dad I think its too late to un-geek me"
" You're not a geek Daisy." He said, his voice soft and serious, I had to look up.
With cheese and chips hanging down his beard and ketch-up smothered across his cheek, he went on with wise-like wisdom " you're just enthusiastic, dedicated to things other people overlook"
" Yeah. Like reading on the Asian empire in catalogues even when they don't exist?"
" Yes"
" And studying an ants eating habit in PJs and sweatpants?"
" Even that. Nobody cares about that stuff. But you do daisy and that is what makes you different" I sat up, playing with my chips.
" What if I don't want to be different? What if I just want to be everyone else? Normal? I just want to fit in dad. But with my geeky clothes and silly facts that are majorly useless and a pain to anyone within a hundred mile close, it seems…" I let out a sigh " Impossible. Isn't there a way dad? A way to change all of this? To be like every other p…" A heavy guttural snore broke its way through my words and I looked up.
It was dad, snoring away like a beast caged in the savannah.
Just right dad. Falling asleep right in the middle of the part where you pat your daughter on the back and try to deceive her into thinking she's special. Typical Maxwell Thompson.
I threw my head back and pushed my plate away, letting out a huge breath.
" Dad?" I leaned forward and shook him " Dad get up we have to leave"
Suddenly he sat up, wide-eyed " The French renaissance was alternated through the sector's…"
" Dad you're not in history class!" I yelled " Come on we have to go"
He stared at me " but I can bake! I took Daisy's piggy bank when she was seven" He leaned close with a cheeky smile " Sssh! Don't tell her"
" You've told her already" I splashed a glass of cold water in his face and he jerked up. " yeah dad. way to go. And your biggest secret yet." His face twisted in horror and I glared at him. " how could you dad?! You made me believe the tooth fairy stole it!!"
" I was desperate!"
" What could ten dollars have done for you?"
" A lot actually. I could afford pizza, soda and a bag of chips"
" Lame dad, lame" I dragged myself back up " Lets go. I think I've had enough for one day already. And there's tomorrow, with Tori."
"What are you doing with Tori?"
" She's got an interview or something. With harry&styles models"
" Harry&styles ei? She's living her dreams then"
" Yes dad. Living her dreams" we walked up to the counter and then dad got all fidgety and sweaty, though he could sweat buckets over a bag of jelly beans on a very cold winter night. I stared at him.
" Dad are you ok?"
" Yeah. Sure daisy" we stood at the counter, me staring and dad sweating. Panic bubbled up to my chest.
" Dad?"
His bright mop of red shot up " Yes?"
" you don't expect me to pay for our meal do you?"
" Of course not"
" Then why aren't you paying?" Silence. My heart thumped, thrumming so hard I could hear it ring. " Dad?"
" That's what I've been trying to tell you Daisy" He said. I gasped " I left my wallet at home"