I started dating my boyfriend 4 years ago, when I was 23. His name is Ruth, and when I questioned him this morning, whether he cheated on me or not, since one friend of mine saw him in a club with another woman last night, when he bailed on a date with me. All Ruth did was reply calmly without a change in his expression, "Yes, I cheated on you. Let's break up Aria". And I nodded in reply, as I threw a glass of water on his face, before walking away in tears. Guess he didn't even want to explain and try to salvage our relationship.
We both know it was false. Ruth won't cheat, he is still angry at his father who cheated on his mother after 20 years of their marriage. I know it is a lie, he knows it is a lie. We both know very well that the other person is lying, and still left it at that. That was an easy breakup. Four years of our time, effort, and feelings are all down the drain now.
Ruth and I were a very passionate couple at the start. We were one of those passionate couples that people couldn't stand. In the end, here we are, one blaming the other with a lie to get out of the relationship, and the other, taking the blame, just to get out of the relationship. I'm too old to ask questions like "Where did it go wrong?".Â
I guess this is just what we reap while trying to be the happiness of each other. Why were we so confident to think we could make the other's life colourful, blissful and full of life just because we could see some of the constellations that their eyes held within? All the beauty and spirit that is contained in them, almost captured, chained and locked within the walls of the body, that is just not letting itself out.
I guess the therapist told the truth when she said "Happiness should always come from within". Was it really so foolish of us to try our level best to become the perfect version of happiness for each other? I guess it was.
I guess we were both just exhausted. With ourselves, as well as with each other. I hope one day we don't regret being in this relationship like we do now. I hope we truly find happiness in ourselves, rather than hoping and searching for it in another person. (just like our therapist wants it) And I hope that one day arrives when we can look into each other's eyes, offer a genuine smile to the other, and bid farewell to those feelings that would have then become old, and which right now are causing me an excruciating amount of pain, almost physical.
Is it too much to expect from the first love of my life?