Right before entering the graveyard.
---- Sho's thoughts and monologue as he enters the land of the dead ----
'After emptying my mind of any vain information, halting my steps just as I reach the entrance to the receptacle, sustaining past debris of a lost part of me. An oasis of veiled hubris and honesty. Each grave a dire synopsis of what used to be the genesis of my bare existence. A naive, futile beingness filled with fruitless efforts in remaining faithful, committed, sincere, and authentic to my conditioned beliefs.'
I enter, my heart filled with questions of a burning passion. Feeling unfine, my head bowed.
'Usually, when you are given birth to, you are purehearted, no matter the bearer of the child. When born, you are given one perfect status of humanity—that is, emotions, humanity itself. And as time passes, you lose exactly that through you growing in an artificial world overflowing with dishonesty, black-hearted men, and cruel monsters disguised as your friends. When I was born and unlocked my consciousness, I truly believed I'd be able to keep hold of this status, naively.'
I come across tombstones harboring names of friends. Searching for answers, like a hunter.
'Before the age of 10, I had been true to my heart. The links that pieced together the everlasting chain of my mental purity were not yet interwoven. But now the whole system had been contaminated by the decaying filth of the world's true colors. Degraded to a grim, zombified state of non-belonging to oneself. Once you've entered the societal-mold, you cannot escape. Either you accept being transformed into something without sentiments—a robotic human being. Or you deny the societal rulership, resulting in you endlessly disavowing what other humans think is true humanity.'
I finally reach my clamoring true friend. Eyes peeling like a ghost seeker who found his prey.
'A life of isolation and solitude, you should bear gratitude for even even being alive. Because you will wish you were dead. It's a missconception to try and confort me, dear parents; I know I am the only one concerned in this case. Which other child thinks the way I do and has my reasoning, both emotionally and logically impaired? I've known for most of my life now that common sense didn't apply to me. It didn't concern me; rather, it avoided me. I scared everything normal away by my abnormality.'
The only other oddity here, Alice. Whose feeling of lone had once overshadowed mine.
'So to avoid further alienation of my heart due to this defiled globe, I come here to talk to my one and only confident. Soulmate through life and death, the sole human who understood the human side of me. Life stole your innocence and took your life.' - 'Was this also because you were out of society's control?' - ''A-Alice, Tell me, please, why did you leave me so soon. I could have helped you.'' Sho said as he began to cry.'
----- End of Sho's monologue in his head -----
Whose gravestone is the only desecrated one for having opened herself to the wolves.
Sho cried out loud, ''Alice, I-I know how gravely you've suffered when you were alive and even after you breathed your last breath. I wanted to be there for you, to offer solace and support, but when you confessed to me that death seemed like the only escape from your torment, I was at a loss for words. I wanted to believe that there was hope, that you could find peace without resorting to such drastic measures, but I failed you. Failed to find the right words; failed to do the right actions at every exact moment you needed to save you from your anguish. I'm truly sorry. I prayed fervently, desperately hoping for a miracle, clinging to a shred of faith, but it was futile. I failed you, Alice; I'll never forgive myself for that.''
Whose prayers were once a beacon of hope. Whose love expended beyond her mere tone.
''I felt panicked—deranged—narrowed by my very own arranged, self-built dome of illusion, believing that this world couldn't be as cruel as it was being to me, to you. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER; I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SMARTER, WISER, AND CRUELER. MORE DECISIVE. KNOWLEDGEABLE. UNDERSTANDING. I-I should have been more upstanding in my schemes; I should have killed them that day. It shouldn't have mattered the consequences; those world's trash are unworthy to stand near you and me; they should all die. They should have all been dead; all of them deserved death." Madness started overtaking Sho...
For you who followed an unscripted life, unrestrained like a white dove flying to the starset.
As time passed, Sho's mind and heart came to a stop, only to outburst with rage and sorrow every time he regained consciousness. He continued talking to himself and confessing his sins to Alice, his lost best friend. Whom he loved more than a friend. They had known each other since elementary school, and she had been the sole reason as to why Sho was still alive. She saved him multiple times just by her presence. He would have killed himself so many times without her.
Only to crash down, failing to reach the far sunset. Depraved as the moon stole my wife's love.
Minutes passed, perhaps hours, days now, and more; minutes were now nothing. He had stayed on his knee, crying and reminiscing about his past memories for so long. His whole being had gone through every single emotion that existed. A thousand times, he had experienced all those emotions, to the highest degree of exposure, a thousand times. Sho had never actually lost his emotions; he still had them; he only recalled them and showed them to those who were worthy. The entire world was unworthy; every living were unworthy, so he'd only be human with the purest of humans. The non-living, Alice.
We could have fled together if only I had had my pair of wings too, to let the wind save us both.
''Oh Alice, please answer at least this question of mine: What are emotions without you?'' Since Sho met Alice, his universe, his man-made universe, has wholly revolved around her. He had made her the epicenter of every star, planet, atom, sun, and moon alike. She was the goddess of all, the purest of every living matter.
We shed tears for one another, for our shared doom. This bliss I felt with you now glooms.
He fell for the angel that night when he encountered her, sitting on a chair on his house's balcony. She outshone even the moon in the darkness. Her short, uncoiled black hair, a profound void; her shiny blue eyes, glistening with morning dew. Her pure tiny elf-shaped ears, a mixture that nears the future. Her body was gentle and cold, like a statue of gold. Her smile, the envy of all, even me, the devil. The whole formed a seemingly endless azure ocean, filled with treasures.
You cried for me when I was alive, for my story. I cried for you when you died, for our lost history.
She had a snow-white pair of wings that I coveted; they could extinguish the flames that were burning my organism down to the last atom. And she conveted my black wings, which could erase the erosion of the cold breeze that was shreeding her body. Together we could fly. She was mine; I was her.
My sins now an echoing nightmare mocking me for the loss of my most precious treasure, you.
As I lift my head up to the sky, I realize it is dark; it has been several hours since I have been here. That meant I have been talking to Alice for years now, in my world. In my own universe, I hold our dearest, most sincere, and happiest memories—distant memories of a better past.
''If only that horror had never touched you, Alice... such cruelty; such cruelty... Why did they have to violate an innocent 13-year-old girl in such a way? AND TO THINK THE WORLD WOULD FORGIVE THEM MAKES ME SICK. Those monsters stole from you what was most sacred, leaving you soiled, broken, and ultimately robbed of your future. THEY ARE THE SOURCE OF OUR SHARED DESPAIR. They shattered your world and left it beyond repair. And despite all my efforts, your pain remains a haunting echo in my soul. Im reminded every day of how much more you must have suffered compared to me, and there is nothing more dreadful than this thought.''
''You know Alice, I come here every Wednesday of the month, reminiscing about my life with you and creating and inventing what we could have been together in the future. All in my world, which integrated yours. It has been 42 years now since I've been living with you in my head, and even after all those years I haven't been able to ease the pain at all. My mind can't truly replicate your body and voice. In the end, those 42 years have all been in vain, in a physical and real way. Those moments I've invented and spent with you in my head never counted for anything; as long as you're not real, my heart won't heal.'' It was not enough for Sho...
''Everything that I've endured before losing you had already been hell, and after losing you, even worse. First your loss, then middle school... If you were still there, then I could have told you all sort of stories from then, haha," Sho said while laughing, as tears fell from his eyes.
''Mayby I should really do that one time, maybe next month. It's getting late, my dear Alice; I have to leave you alone again. I'm sorry. I will come back soon, I promise, like every other time.''
As Sho stood up and departed from the 'Bliss-State,' a realm diametrically opposed to the desolate 'Void-State,' he sensed the weight of years settling upon his consciousness. His perception of time was distorted. In this evolved state, time seemed to slow to a crawl, defying it's usual progression. Despite only a few hours passing in the real world, within the realm of Bliss, Sho experiences the sensation of living through years. It's as if time itself bends to the will of his heart, elongating each moment into an eternity. In this altered state, the boundaries between reality and illusion blur, leaving Sho immersed in a timeless expanse of existence.
Compared to ''Void-State'' which enhanced his cognitive abilities and enabled him to unlock new realms of thought, this ''Bliss-State'' made the world around him freeze in stasis. Indeed, in this conflicting state, his heart dictates, as its profoundness compels his mind into manipulating the flow of time itself. In this surreal phenomenon, his heart gains dominion over his mind. Mere hours in the real world felt like an eternity as his heart and mind grappled with the intricacies of existence.
Earlier he had wondered how to affect the flow of time in the real world, but he could actually already do it; he had already done it and lived 42 years mentally, while only a few days were wasted in the real world. But then why was Sho thinking of taking control of time if he could already do it? That is because he wanted to be able to slow down time in real time while conscious and awake. As of right now, he could only alter the flow of time through his spiritual realm. In his subconscious mind, that is.
Sho craved for more, dreamed for more, and ultimately wanted to bring changes to his real world and physical body.
'One day I'll see you for real, Alice, once I ascend and transcend these world limitations. It's only a matter of time, and if I have to spend centuries, millennia, or even millions of years to reach GOD-HOOD, then you will have to wait a little, my dear. But I'll make it; I'll find you, Alice; I'll find my lost love.'
''I will bring you back.''
...
''I love you, Alice.''