I'm happy to be back home. I'm glad that I'm free but how do I explain? How do I tell them what happened?
Degnie told me about how he didn't want war because even though they are all psychopaths he still have family and friends he care about and honestly I don't either.
Kael has been quiet about it these past few days but I know he wants to ask, I'd love to tell him everything but I can't.
I heard footsteps from behind me and turned. I stood up quickly and went to hug Lucy, I was so happy to see her.
"Lucy," I said hugging her tightly.
"Are you okay?" she asked and I nodded.
The warmth of Lucy's embrace felt like home. For the first time since I returned, I truly let myself breathe. My body relaxed into the hug, and I held her as tightly as I could, afraid that if I let go, I might drift away again. I wasn't ready to lose anything else, not after all I'd been through.
"Lucy," I whispered, pressing my face into her shoulder. "I'm so happy you're here."
Her arms tightened around me as if she understood exactly how much I needed this moment. "Are you okay?" she asked gently, pulling back just enough to look at me. Her eyes were full of concern, the kind that only comes from someone who truly knows you.
I nodded, though the truth was more complicated than that. Physically, I was fine, and I was free now, finally back home. But mentally? Emotionally? That was a different story. There were so many things I still hadn't processed—things I didn't even know how to begin talking about. Kael, despite his quiet patience, hadn't pressed me for answers yet. But I knew he would eventually. Everyone would. And I wasn't sure I could give them what they wanted.
"Really?" Lucy's voice cut through my thoughts, a soft challenge in her tone. She wasn't buying my silent assurances.
I sighed and took her hand, leading her to the garden bench where I'd been sitting before she arrived. "I don't know," I admitted as we sat down. "It's just… there's so much I can't explain."
"You don't have to explain everything right now," she said gently, her thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. "Just start with whatever you're ready to share."
I glanced down at our intertwined hands, taking a deep breath before speaking. "It's funny, isn't it? How I keep losing my memories like some tragic heroine in a story. You'd think it was ripped straight out of some novel." I tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace.
Lucy chuckled softly, though I could tell she didn't find it entirely amusing. "You're right. It's very… female lead-like." Her lips curled into a small smile, but her eyes remained serious. "Except you didn't choose any of this. It's not like you're the protagonist of a book who can walk away from it all at the end of the day."
I let out a bitter laugh. "I wish I could." I leaned back, staring up at the sky, watching the clouds drift lazily. "But here I am. Back home. Free, but still… trapped, in a way."
Lucy tilted her head, waiting for me to continue. Her patience was something I'd always admired about her. She never pushed, never forced me to speak before I was ready.
"I don't even know how to begin explaining what happened. How do I tell them everything? How do I tell Kael, or you, or anyone, about Degnie and… everything I learned while I was gone?" My voice wavered, and I clenched my fists to steady myself. "I mean, he told me so much. About why he didn't want war. About how, despite the fact that his people are—" I hesitated, searching for the right word. "Well, let's just say they aren't the kindest bunch, but he still has family and friends he cares about. And honestly, I get it. I don't want war either."
Lucy nodded, listening intently. "It must have been hard, being caught between everything like that."
"Hard doesn't even begin to describe it," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "I was torn between wanting to understand them and knowing I couldn't trust them. And now that I'm back, I feel… guilty. Guilty that I don't hate them the way I thought I would. And guilty that I still don't know how to explain all of this to the people I care about."
Lucy's expression softened, and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she turned to look at me more closely. "Lilien, no one expects you to have all the answers right now. You went through something unimaginable. Anyone in your position would be struggling to make sense of it all."
I closed my eyes for a moment, letting her words sink in. "I know," I said softly. "But it feels like the longer I stay quiet, the more I'm letting everyone down. Kael hasn't said much about it, but I know he wants to ask me about what happened. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. And I want to tell him everything, I do, but…"
"But it's too much," Lucy finished for me. "It's overwhelming. You're afraid of what they'll think, how they'll react."
I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat. "I keep thinking about how ridiculous it all sounds. I mean, how many times can one person lose their memories and still be the same? How many times can I pretend to be the strong, capable ruler when I can barely keep my own mind intact?"
Lucy reached out and squeezed my hand. "You've been through more than most people ever will, and you're still standing. That says something about your strength. And as for the memories—well, I'll admit, it's a bit… dramatic. But maybe that's just life's way of giving you a fresh start every time things get too heavy."
I laughed, despite the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "Yeah, it does feel a bit too on the nose, doesn't it? Like I'm stuck in some kind of never-ending cycle of losing and finding myself."
"Maybe you are," she said thoughtfully. "But maybe that's not such a bad thing. Every time you come back, you learn something new about yourself. About the world. And you grow from it."
I frowned, unsure if I believed that. "I don't know if I'm growing, Lucy. Sometimes it feels like I'm just… shrinking. Like each time I lose a piece of myself, I'm never able to get it back."
"Maybe you're not supposed to get it back," she said, her voice quiet but firm. "Maybe the parts of you that are gone were never meant to stay forever. And maybe the parts of you that remain are the ones that matter most."
Her words hit me harder than I expected, and I looked away, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "I want to believe that," I whispered. "But I don't know how."
"You don't have to figure it all out right now," she reminded me. "Take it one step at a time. And remember, you're not alone. Kael, me, everyone who cares about you—we're all here for you. We're not expecting you to have all the answers."
I let out a shaky breath, nodding. "Thank you," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Lucy smiled, her eyes warm and full of understanding. "You'd manage," she said softly. "You always do."
We sat in silence for a while after that, the weight of everything unspoken hanging between us. But it wasn't a heavy silence. It was comforting, in a way—knowing that I didn't have to carry it all alone. Knowing that I could take my time, that I could figure things out at my own pace.
"I guess it really is kind of funny," I said after a long pause. "How I keep losing my memories like some tragic female lead in a story."
Lucy grinned. "Yeah, but you're more than just a female lead, Lilien. You're the hero of your own story. And heroes? They don't always have perfect memories, but they do have heart. And that's what makes them strong."
I smiled, a real one this time. "I'll try to remember that."