CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1- How it all began
CHAPTER 2 – Early challenges
CHAPTER 3 – The turning point
CHAPTER 4 – Struggles and resilience
CHAPTER 5 – New Horizons and Doubts
CHAPTER 6 – My regrets
CHAPTER 7 – Advise to others
CONCLUSION
CHAPTER 1
How It All Began
In March 2023, my life took a significant turn.
I got a job offer in Cape Town, a city far from home, which meant I had to relocate. The opportunity was exciting but also daunting as it required me to leave behind my familiar surroundings and start anew. I found a place to live in a neighbourhood called Atlantis, which was closer to my workplace. My new job was demanding, requiring me to leave home at 4 am and return around 8 pm, leaving little time for leisure, relaxation, or dating.
One night, after a particularly long day at work, I was walking home from the station. It was after 9 pm, and I was exhausted. As I walked down the college, I noticed a man wearing earphones, seemingly in the middle of an intense phone conversation. He appeared to be arguing with someone, presumably his girlfriend. After ending the call, he greeted me and asked, "Should I walk with you, or would you be safe?" His offer caught me off guard.
In the township, especially at night, the safety of a woman is never guaranteed. Despite my weariness and untidy appearance—wearing a mask, hat, and glasses—I sensed his genuine concern. Deep down, I knew he wasn't trying to hit on me; he simply wanted to ensure my safety. Reluctantly, I accepted his offer to walk with me.
As we walked, we began talking about various topics. Surprisingly, we found common ground in our shared interest in business ideas and entrepreneurship. Our conversation flowed effortlessly, and time flew by. Before I knew it, we had arrived at my place. Despite my exhaustion, we stood outside talking until almost midnight. It was refreshing to connect with someone who shared my passions. As we parted ways, he asked for my number. Reluctantly, I gave it to him, thinking our connection was purely about sharing ideas.
Later that night, he texted me, and our conversations continued. At first, our chats were about business and getting to know each other. But one day, he asked, "Can we hook up when you're free?" I felt offended by his choice of words and cut him off, focusing on my work and new life in Cape Town. He apologized, explaining he meant to chill, not have sex. Everyone makes mistakes, so I forgave him, and our friendship resumed.
CHAPTER 2
Early Challenges
Our friendship developed quickly,
with long conversations and frequent visits. Despite my initial resistance to dating due to my busy schedule, I found myself drawn to him. One cold evening, after one of our many visits, we ended up cuddling. That night, everything changed. The intimacy we shared was beyond anything I'd ever experienced. It was passionate and deeply emotional, leaving me feeling connected and loved. It was an incredible experience that made me feel deeply connected to him. From that night onwards, I found myself falling in love, spending most of my nights at his place.
As our relationship deepened, he began sharing more about his personal life. He confided in me about his troubled relationship with his girlfriend. Initially, I didn't care about his past as long as we were happy together. However, things took a turn when he lied about breaking up with her. One day, his girlfriend came to stay with him due to a strike at her college. He told me he needed a break, which hurt deeply. Feeling betrayed, I decided to end things and refocus on my work. I took it as a sign to let go.
Despite our breakup, he continued reaching out, apologizing and insisting that we remain friends. Ignoring the red flags, I allowed him back into my life. My circumstances forced me to rely on him more, especially after a falling out with my roommate. He offered to share his place with me, promising it was just to help me financially. Desperate, I agreed, unaware of the complications that would follow.
Living together, I soon realized he was still involved with his girlfriend. His behaviour became erratic and hurtful, often blaming me for our situation. He was financially irresponsible, spending money on alcohol and his girlfriend rather than contributing to our household. His lies and betrayal became a constant source of pain, yet I stayed, hoping things would improve.
April was a particularly tumultuous month. His girlfriend found out about our living arrangement, leading to more conflict. He bad-mouthed me to his friends and lied to his girlfriend about our relationship. The emotional and psychological toll was immense. I felt trapped and isolated, having no one else to turn to in Cape Town.
As the months passed, our relationship continued to deteriorate. He would disappear for days, leaving me alone and worried. His infidelity became more blatant, and I often found evidence of his affairs. The emotional abuse escalated, with him blaming me for his actions and refusing to take responsibility.
Despite everything, I struggled to let go. The cycle of hope and betrayal was exhausting, but I clung to the moments of kindness and support he occasionally showed. I kept hoping that things would change, that he would become the man I believed he could be.
CHAPTER 3
The Turning Point
By May, the situation had become unbearable.
My boyfriend's deceitful behaviour continued, and the emotional strain was overwhelming. Despite my best efforts to stay focused on work and my goals, his actions constantly pulled me into a cycle of hope and despair.
When my roommate and I had a falling out, I was left with no place to stay. My boyfriend suggested I move in with him temporarily, and in my desperation, I agreed. He promised it was just a temporary arrangement until I could find a place of my own. However, as the weeks passed, it became clear that he had no intention of helping me find a new place. Instead, he used my presence to his advantage, expecting me to contribute financially while he continued to prioritize his girlfriend.
The situation came to a head when his girlfriend found out about our living arrangement. She was furious, and my boyfriend's lies caught up with him. He tried to smooth things over by telling her that I was just a friend in need of help. The betrayal stung, but I was too entangled in the situation to leave.
One evening, I discovered new lingerie in our apartment—an item that was not meant for me. It was a gift for his girlfriend. The realization that he was still deeply involved with her, despite everything he had told me, was devastating. I confronted him, but he blamed me for the situation, accusing me of forcing myself into his life. His gas lighting made me doubt my own sanity.
In the midst of this turmoil, I found solace in focusing on my work. However, the emotional and psychological abuse continued. He would come home drunk, often after spending the night with other women. One particularly painful incident occurred when I found him in bed with another girl at his old place. He didn't apologize; instead, he blamed me for coming there unannounced. The hurt and betrayal were overwhelming.
Despite the pain, I still struggled to let go. I began flirting with other men, hoping to find a distraction from the toxic relationship I was trapped in. One man, "BF", seemed promising, but when he discovered I was still cohabitating with my boyfriend, he cut ties. The rejection added to my growing sense of isolation and despair.
Month end arrived, and I moved into a new place close to his. He continued to visit, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I allowed him back into my life, hoping things would change. But the cycle of lies and betrayal continued, culminating in more heartbreak and disappointment. Our relationship was a tumultuous rollercoaster, filled with moments of intense connection and profound betrayal. Each time I tried to leave, he found a way to pull me back in, making promises he never intended to keep. It was a toxic cycle that I struggled to break free from, clinging to the hope that things would eventually get better.
CHAPTER 4
Struggles and Resilience
Later, I brought back his things from my flat.
All I wanted was an explanation—why he did it, why he kept doing it. I lost my job, got depressed, had no money, no hope. Every day, I'd spend my day sleeping, headaches, stressing, no food, nothing. He was there. He provided, paid rent, bought food, and was emotionally supportive. He would take me to the beach for fresh air, pray for me, give me money to apply for jobs until I got better and picked up. He stayed long nights praying that I get a job, and I did.
Even after the emotional, psychological, and financial support he gave me, he still cheated right after I got a job. I got a night shift job, and he'd use that time cheating on me with different girls. It was like he was waiting for me to pick up, get better, get a job, and then he continued with his cheating behaviour. I left my job in December 2023 and went back home for the festive season. He sponsored my trip even though he was left broke. I went home, and I did not care much other than enjoying being with my family.
He got too broke to the extent that he wanted to pawn his laptop to be able to pay rent. One thing he was good at was including me in decision-making, especially for house matters. He would always ask me what we should do and always considered my opinions. Well, we had no money or choice, so I agreed, and he then pawned it. Instead of paying rent, he went out to have fun with friends and girls with the rent money. Towards month-end, he was so desperate that I had to help him; I paid rent directly to the new landlord.
This time, we downgraded from a flat to a squat camp that had no basics. It was a shack with no water, no electricity, not even a toilet—we had to go to the bush to help ourselves, and the surroundings were even smelling. I paid rent while I was home, and he had to sell both our old phones to be able to buy food. On my side, I had to leave home and get a job. I came back in mid-January with the little that I had, and we survived till his next pay. Luckily, I managed to get a job by February as a merchandiser.
We continued staying together; however, he was depressed. They were on short time at work, and he was earning R3500 or less. The environment stressed him even further. He would complain every day about work, boss, life to a point that I got tired, and I wrote a long message to my mom, trying to tell her how he's always complaining about everything, not even noticing my emotions, whether I'm tired or not. Mind you, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and working as a merchandiser for fresh produce. You can imagine being pregnant, working in the fridge, and all you get is a depressed person who's ungrateful for the little he has.
I wrote a long message expressing to my mom how I felt about him complaining about everything, and he ended up reading the message. He then told his brother that he doesn't care if I leave or not; he'd move on with life. He started flirting again with different girls and would tell them that he moved on so quickly with me and everything just happened fast, so they should be patient with him; he'd fix this. I would see all this on his phone. I remember one day he beat me, pushed me against the door, and it broke—all because of a girl he met on Facebook and was flirting with. All that was left was for us to separate as soon as we both got paid.
CHAPTER 5
New Horizons and Doubts
Time went by, and by the end of February,
Further I had to pay my varsity fees. He topped me up. I used all my salary for tuition fees, and he handled rent and groceries. However, at the end of March, he wanted his money so he could buy clothes for Easter. He did not buy food; instead, he bought clothes and went out to have fun. I couldn't repeat the same mistake as last year, so I used mine to celebrate my birthday with him since he is the only person I have in this province.
Our selfishness cost us deeply. Imagine being pregnant in your third trimester and eating once a day. If we had bread, we would at least eat it for three days. I would also get food from my colleagues at my new job. We then started fasting and praying for a breakthrough—not by choice, though; we were starving to death. However, it was final that by the end of April we breaking up for good.
February till May , we never had sex, cuddles, or even touch. We were like roommates, sharing the same bed and blankets but devoid of intimacy. It was evident that our relationship had reached its breaking point, and we had accepted the reality.
Month-end arrived, and we both received our pay checks. We had debts to pay, people we owed, and the door needed fixing. After settling our financial obligations, we realized that we needed each other to survive. We had to move in together again, this time in a different place—not a fancy flat, but certainly better than the squat camp. Despite the hardships, we continued with fasting and praying for better days.
Ever since then, things started to change. We never lacked anything; my boyfriend got a new job, and we had enough food throughout the month. Opportunities began to open up for us. I took maternity leave, which was unpaid, but he took care of everything. He became emotionally, financially, and physically supportive during my pregnancy. He took me out, ensured I didn't get stressed for the sake of the baby, bought me gifts and chocolates, and surprised me with his caring gestures.
It felt like I was dating a different person now that he had financial stability. He even bought baby clothes, accessories, and a cot, fully embracing the idea of becoming a father. We discussed marriage at home affairs and planning a celebration once we had enough resources, although I initially refused. He also started conversations with my family about lobola (negotiations) and damages for the child.
Despite these positive changes, doubts lingered. I couldn't shake off the feeling that he might still be cheating or flirting with other women. There were moments when he would switch off his phone for entire days, returning late at night without explanation. When confronted, he dismissed my concerns as being controlling. His phone became more secretive, with frequent password changes, and he kept insisting that I go home to raise the baby after birth because he believed our township environment wasn't conducive for our child's upbringing.
These uncertainties led me to a crossroads, where I had to make a difficult choice for the well-being of myself and my child.
CHAPTER 6
My Regrets
Trusting him despite red flags,
I Regret forgiving him multiple times and ignored warning signs of his infidelity and lack of commitment, which led to further heartache.
Putting up with mistreatment,
Enduring emotional and physical abuse, financial struggles, and neglect of my needs is the most regret I did not addressing sooner.
Prioritizing the relationship over your well-being,
I regret Sacrificing my mental and physical health, as well as my job stability, for the sake of the relationship, especially considering the repeated betrayals.
Not setting boundaries,
I regret Allowing him to continue his behaviour without consequences or clear boundaries is something I wish I had done differently to protect myself.
Ignoring intuition,
Dismissing my gut feelings or intuition about his continued infidelity or lack of genuine change is another source of my regrets. You know the saying "follow your guts" I wish I did follow mine.
Overall this is the time I made a decision to cut off all ties and put myself and well-being first.
CHAPTER 7
Advise To Others
I am no relationship expert as you have read my story,
I have made a lot of mistakes that almost costs me my life, I am nothing better than any girl he dated or the girls he flirts with. However, I would advise most of my sisters to value themselves, put themselves first, take care of their emotional well-being and the right person will find them at the right time. I would advise them not to prioritize a man or relationship more than they prioritize their lives, jobs and well-being.
The sad truth is we mistaken toxicity with love, we become patient with men that will never change, hoping that one day they would. As simple as everyone might ask "why did you not leave early" its never easy to leave a toxic relationship believe me, most of our sisters gets out through death, it is by luck to open our eyes whilst we still alive and able to choose and fight.
When you find yourself in an unsure relationship trust your instincts. If something feels off in a relationship, it's essential to trust your gut and address concerns early on rather than ignoring red flags. Prioritize self-care, Take care of your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Don't sacrifice your health or happiness for a relationship that isn't healthy or fulfilling. Set clear boundaries, Establishing boundaries in relationships is crucial. Clearly communicate your needs, expectations, and deal-breakers, and be ready to enforce them if they're not respected.
Seek support, Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professionals for support and guidance during challenging times. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Learn from experiences, Every experience holds lessons. Reflect on past experiences to learn about yourself, your needs, and your values. Use these insights to make informed decisions and set healthier relationship dynamics in the future. If you have never experienced such toxicity, learn from those who have "like myself" so you can easily pick up red flags from the beginning of a new relationship or existing one. Communication is key, Open and honest communication is essential in any relationship. Address issues, express your feelings, and listen to your partner's perspective to foster understanding and resolve conflicts constructively. Value yourself, Know your worth and don't settle for mistreatment or neglect in a relationship. You deserve to be with someone who respects, supports, and cherishes you.
Take time for healing, Healing from past hurts takes time. Allow yourself the space and time to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically before jumping into new relationships or major life decisions. Focus on growth, Use challenging experiences as opportunities for personal growth and empowerment. Learn from mistakes, cultivate self-awareness, and strive to become the best version of yourself.
Lastly "actions speaks louder than words" trust actions over words, Pay attention to consistent actions rather than empty promises or apologies. Genuine change and commitment are demonstrated through consistent positive actions over time.
Conclusion
In reflecting on my journey, I've come to realize the importance of self-worth, boundaries, and resilience in relationships. My story is a testament to the challenges faced, the mistakes made, and the lessons learned. Trusting my instincts, prioritizing self-care, and valuing my worth were crucial steps in finding clarity and healing.
Through the ups and downs, I've learned that communication, honesty, and mutual respect are the foundations of a healthy relationship. Setting clear boundaries, advocating for my needs, and prioritizing my well-being have become non-negotiable aspects of my life.
While the journey has been tumultuous, it has also been a journey of self-discovery, growth, and empowerment. I've emerged stronger, wiser,
We would love to hear your thoughts—please leave us a review with what you liked and didn't like, and let us know if you'd be interested in a part two. Sending love and light.
With gratitude
Goodnes Sambo