William Harrington's grandparents' house was quite large, even when the whole extended family gathered there was still room to accommodate a few guests. And in that very spacious house, a boy named William Harrington was currently residing.
Five days had passed since the incident where his house burned down. The police investigating the case informed them that it was likely that his little sister Maria, who was the victim, was cooking in the kitchen at the time. No one knew how the fire could have spread throughout the house, everyone could only assume that it was an accident while cooking.
The victim's older brother was William, and right now William didn't want to do anything, he lost the ability to desire anything because of the loss of his little sister. He lost desire to be exist. It made him just sit on the edge of the yard while looking at the flowers that his grandmother often planted when she was still alive.
The bandage on his face looked very conspicuous, making him look like a mummy who was asleep, because he didn't even move a bit when no one was watching him.
I wasn't made a suspect, even it could have been premeditated murder.
No, I just hope people around think like that.
How pathetic I am, craving punishment even though I know it can't fix anything.
In the end, it's just a way for me to feel relieved.
I'm a bad brother, why would Maria be proud to have a brother like me?
I'm curious... What am I like in Maria's mind?
I never even asked her what she thought of me. Because I was close to her, I felt like I knew everything about her. But now I realize, I didn't fully understand Maria.
But there's nothing I can do about it. Humans are not born to be understood. But humans are born to learn to understand.
But I have lost what I wanted to understand. Even if it's not everything, it still hurts.
My father and mother are still here, they must be sad too. If I kill myself and die now, I'll only make them sadder.
But if I'm not allowed to die, what should I do now?
Think about the future? Why? Is the future more important than Maria?
But even so, what can I do to help Maria? There's nothing, there's no way I can do anything about this. This isn't a matter of something that can be solved with the brain. Because it's all too late, this is reality, not a game that can be replayed over and over again.
What should I do from now on?
Maria, Can you guide me again? I don't know what to do. This freedom... is very scary. I hate this freedom, I hate loneliness.
Suddenly his grandfather came with a hose in his hand and started watering the flowers and plants in the yard. Then occasionally he looked towards William and smiled.
Likewise, William always smiled when his grandfather's gaze was on him. But the smile was full of lies, but he didn't feel guilty at all when he did it.
He wants to be helped, he wants to be understood, but he doesn't want to be pitied. Truly arrogant and hypocritical, but that's how humans are. Selfishness is part of life, whether in good or bad, selfishness is always there even though it is often not realized its presence.
William knows and is aware of that, because he is also human. Even now there is a selfish desire that he wants more than anything else.
He wants to do something about Maria. Even now he would immediately kill himself if he could meet Maria again.
But there's no guarantee it will work. I even sometimes still doubt the existence of life after death.
I'm not a religious person, I'm just a hypocrite. Even though I say I believe in the existence of God, it's because I want to believe, but it doesn't mean I'm convinced of it.
Especially being a minority is a very difficult situation.
And also if I die, it's the same as me running away from my father and mother.
Running away is not the end. I know that because I have experience in this.
The end of running away is the beginning of facing problems.
I know what to do from the start.
The only thing I can do is to let go of Maria. Honor her death by doing what she wants.
Maria always worried about me, so she always stuck to me. She even interacted less with her friends because she always accompanied me who was lonely.
Teaching me happiness and the feeling of smiling sincerely.
Maria has always been in the giving side, and I have always been on the receiving side.
It makes me always wonder if I deserve her attention?
Suddenly William's phone rang, but he didn't even try to pick up the phone. His hand didn't even want to move, his mind was really calm like the atmosphere in the house which was quiet at this time. Very peaceful and feeling free like a bird flying in the sky. But that freedom is accompanied by a strong sense of loneliness. But he felt comfortable when lonely, because there was nothing to think about when feeling peaceful.
Even though sometimes memories of Maria come up and hurt his slowly healing heart. His mind started to adapt and get used to it.
The more accustomed he is, the more he realizes he is starting to let go of Maria's departure. He still feels sad, but he doesn't cry, because he has cried enough a few days ago.
Sometimes there is a feeling of guilt that arises, because he feels he doesn't deserve to let go, he doesn't want that, even though he knows the only thing he can do to honor Maria is by letting go of her.
Is Maria watching me from heaven right now? She would probably be sad if that were true.
Without realizing it, his belief in life after death is increasing. Even though the reason is because he wants it to be true. Because if it really exists, then when he dies he can meet Maria again.
But he knows this is not the time, he still thinks that all this is his fault, but now he no longer desires death.
I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life just so I don't forget you, Maria.
This time he wants to torture himself, but not for the reason to running away. For the first time in his life, William Harrington managed to end his "running away" that would never have any results.
He slowly started to smile, moved towards where his grandfather was currently and shouted, "Grandpa, let me help!"
"Ohhh... No need, i can do it myself."
"Just leave it to me, you can rely on your grandson!"
"Ohoho... Your grandmother would be proud to see her grandson has grown up."
William was surprised by those words, he said it without hesitation as if nothing had happened. But William knows that it's not what it looks like.
His grandfather looks like he's smiling right now, but no one knows what he's been through after his wife died.
William understands that, because he understands he also smiles and says, "You're really strong, grandpa."
His grandfather looked surprised at first, but slowly his gaze softened because he understood what William meant at this time. It made him smile at that time and then asked, "Are you okay now?"
William turned to his grandfather in confusion. He knows what he means, but he didn't expect his grandfather to understand that. He underestimated his grandfather's ability to understand the situation. It made him feel ashamed for underestimating his grandfather. But there is a comfortable feeling knowing that someone understands him.
But William didn't hesitate anymore, he also already knew what his answer was at this time, so he replied by saying, "I don't know... But I know what I have to do right now."
"What is it?"
"Stop running away and keep living life to the fullest. And don't let myself forget Maria. If I keep wallowing in this, I won't have a face anymore when I'm reunited with Maria in the afterlife."
"...," his grandfather just stood there observing while smiling.
"I'm sure she would mock me if I kept on not being able to let go of her...," William kept talking non-stop about his little sister.
While his grandfather who was listening to it became nostalgic for his late wife. He took out a locket that he had hidden under his shirt, opened it and found a picture of his wife displayed inside.
The expression that appeared on his face at that time was a smile. Because he was happy to see the face of the person he missed at that time. But the person he missed would never be able to meet again for the rest of his life. But deep down in his heart, he still wants to meet again. But that's just his wish, it can't become a reality.
Every human who feels loss must have that desire in their heart. Whether it's losing a loved one, a very cherished object, or anything else that they consider valuable in their lives. Because all humans are the same, they are essentially lonely creatures.
That's why humans create temporary relationships. They realize that nothing lasts forever.
If there is such a thing as a meeting, then there must also be a separation. The beginning of the end is the beginning, the end of the beginning is the end.
Everyone is aware of it, but always tries not to be aware, or even pretends not to know. Because humans always want eternal relationships, even though they know it's impossible.
Eternal is nonsense made up in fantasy stories. It's just someone's imagination, imagination is not a reality, but imagination always looks beautiful compared to reality.
However, there is nothing truly eternal in this world. Because imagination will never become reality.
If someone have realized all those things and stop escape from reality. Then they will find the answer when they ask themselves what they should do when they lose someone they love.
More precisely, everyone must have known the answer from the beginning, but unknowingly tries not to know. Because letting go is a simple thing but difficult to do.
Because there is always a desire to be together forever in the heart of every human.
Letting go is indeed difficult, but it is the only way for someone to stop running away from reality. And it seems that William Harrington has managed to accept that reality at this time.
Thank you for everything... and goodbye, Maria.