'Shit.'
Anthony burst the door open, which left me in shock. We had a misunderstanding earlier and it seemed like we had to finish the conversation in my parents' house since umuwi muna ako. The look on his face showed that he wasn't and is still not satisfied with how our conversation finished earlier, that's why ang lakas ng loob niya na sumunod sa akin dito sa bahay.
"So, what do you want?" I said, looking at him with my usual poker face.
"You know what I want Lei, I know you do." He looked at me, not breaking the eye contact that we have been holding for 3 seconds…and counting. The tension in the air is still present, making me sweat even more.
"Bakit kasi kailangang ako pa ang kausapin mo about this project? I told you, I don't want anything to do with you, kahit about pa yan sa school, Rie." I replied , breaking our prolonged eye contact. Pumunta ako sa kitchen since nauhaw ako bigla dahil mainit din ang panahon.
"It's just a month's work. A project, I just need a partner that I know na mapagkakatiwalaan and is willing to give their best." he answered while still looking at me. Lumapit siya at tumungo papunta sa direksyon ko at humingi na rin ng tubig.
I handed him a glass of water and signaled him to put it in the sink after he drinks. Pinigilan ko na alukin siya kaso manners matter, I guess.
'"So, why choose me? You have friends that are taking my course too. Just ask them to help you, for God's sake." I continued our conversation, calmed down from the tension and heat between us just a few moments ago.
"Tamad mga yun, you know that Lei." He replied, he looked like he was contemplating to say more. "And it's a good opportunity for us to bond too." he added. I could feel his gaze on me, even if I was turned away from him. I didn't face him, if I did, baka mawala na naman ako sa mga mata niya. "I miss you, you know." I felt him approach me from behind, hugging me by my waist. I tried pushing him away, letting him go, but I couldn't.
"Rie, if this is the reason you chose me for this project then fuck off, please. I don't want to hurt you, again." I said, trying to hold back the emotions that I was feeling. Being in his arms again made me feel safe, yet the terror of making him cry and breaking him, again, scares me off. I don't want to admit it, but I miss him, I miss us.
He turned me to face him, he held my chin and lifted it a bit, my gaze directing itself to fall into the beauty of his face. I missed staring into those eyes, seeing the beautiful soul hiding behind them. I miss caressing those cheeks; that hid dimples which appeared when he smiled. I tried not to give in to him, but he suddenly leaned in for a kiss. His lips that made me smile not that long ago, were finally on mine again.
It was a soft but sad kiss; it felt like he was missing something. His kiss made me feel like he was begging me to come back, a kiss that longed for me. He pulled me in for another, a deep kiss, he didn't want to let go yet I still pushed him away.
"Rie, please." I whispered. My tears fell.
"I still love you, Lei, I always will. Please, come back to me." He looked at me with eyes that begged, making me feel as coming back was for us to be happy again; for him to be happy again. The heavy feeling in my chest is still there. The possibility that I might hurt him again terrified me, making me feel unworthy of his love that fought and still is fighting for us.
I want to come back, I really do. But, what if me coming back will ruin his future? What if I make him feel that he is nothing? Mahal ko siya, sobra pero ayaw ko siyang masaktan habang pilit ko pa ring iniintindi ang sarili ko.
"Let's give each other a chance, please. Give me another chance?" He then said, gently pushing me against a wall near the living room, kissing me as he did.
I stopped, breaking away from the kiss to think about it. I stared into his eyes and reached for his face as I caressed his cheeks, I said, "My Rie, you know that I love you. I would and still will do everything for you to be happy, really. I want to give us another chance, but…"
"But what, Lei, ano? Anong irarason mo para pakawalan ako ulit? Mahal, ayaw na kitang iwanan, please. I want to be by your side, helping you with all your struggles, being with you through your victories and losses. Please, huwag mo naman akong itaboy, ulit." He stared into my eyes, reaching out for my hands.
"I'm sorry, I always am. I don't want to let you go, I don't want to leave us behind. It was selfish. leaving you kasi hindi ko na kinaya ang lahat. Ikaw na nga lang naging pag-asa ko tapos pinakawalan pa kita. It was idiotic of me to let you go without giving you a proper explanation." I could feel my tears falling like rain, only finding shelter in his arms.
I left him for peace. I didn't want him getting involved in my problems, but at the same time I wanted him to be there. He became my solace, my life, my everything. Yet, I still left him. I was confused about everything, and I still probably still am. That is why I left him.
"Hey, calm down, hm?" He caressed my head, looking at me, as if I'm his world.
"I'm really sorry, Gabriel. I just didn't want you to get exhausted because of me." I muttered these words, looking into his eyes made me realize in that moment, I don't need to let him go.
"Leian, I know you are but trust me, whenever I'm with you, I feel like I'm in heaven. I feel so happy, you make me feel happy and I want to be there for you, in hopes to be the reason for your happiness too." Hearing these words come out of his mouth made me consider the possibilities that he saw, the possibilities I couldn't see.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Rie."
We stood there for a long time, hugging each other. It's been a while since I've felt comfort, love, and sincerity at the same time. Every moment I'm with him, everything I see has colors. Unlike the monotone world I saw before.
I came back into my senses, my eyes darting to the clock on the wall, then I realized that my parents will arrive anytime soon. "Rie, you need to go. My parents will be here soon."
"Oh, I want to meet my future parents though?" He laughs cheekingly, kissing me softly again. He grabbed his things and made his way to the front door. He diverted his gaze to me, "Aren't you going with me? Just up until the stop? Please, baby?" He looked at me, patiently waiting for me to move. I sighed, giving in and decided to walk him to the bus stop.
I put a hoodie on before going out, then locked the door behind me before we left. Ihahatid ko lang naman siya sa bus stop so it shouldn't take a while. I caught up to him, and then felt him suddenly grabbing my hand, intertwining my fingers with his. I was trying to let go before he spoke.
"Don't."
"Okay, I won't."
He smiled.
We walked for about five minutes. The walk was quiet most of the time, although my thoughts were loud as I contemplated asking him about the chances we had or not. I didn't want to mess everything up. I didn't want to cause him any more pain. I only want to see him genuinely happy again.
I stopped walking. He noticed.
"Hey, is something wrong?" Nilapitan niya ako at tumigil din siya to check up on me. I swear to God, dahil sa karupukan ko, baka ano na naman ang mangyari. Please let this be a good chance to start again.
"Let's give it a chance." I said, smiling to him.
"Leian ko" He smiled, then hugged me. The hug was one that I wanted to last for a lifetime. Maybe even more than that, eternity, maybe. I miss the feeling of being understood, of being loved. I want to feel all of those again, basta galing sa kanya. Palagi, habang buhay.
"I'm really sorry that I let you go. Hindi ako mapapagod kakahingi ng tawad mo, Rie." Hindi ko na mapigilang humagulgol. I only did what I did because I couldn't risk my parents finding out about it, they were trapping me into that topic. Hindi sa tinatago ko siya, but at that moment, I felt like it was better for him to be with someone that has the courage to tell their parents about how great of a guy he is.
Pero I finally learned my lesson. I learned that being patient is having to be brave; that being able to keep something without telling others in a haste is just being careful. It is being courageous about something you care for and cherish.
I can feel his heartbeat right now, and it makes me feel happy. It makes me feel connected again, to someone that truly loves me. I miss this feeling. I really do.
"Tara Rie, hatid na kita." sabi ko sa kanya bago siya halikan. It's a comforting feeling that I have been wanting to feel these past few months. I have been longing for it for such a long time, buti na lang nandito na siya ulit ngayon.
"I love you Leian, always. Remember that my love." He smiled at me while holding my hand.
"I love you too, my Gabriel. I'll be here, forever."
Tinuloy na namin ang lakad namin papunta sa bus stop at sinabihan ko siya na imessage ako kauwi niya. It has been a roller coaster day and I'm really happy that we are back together.
★