"And until you change this yourself, we are not going to start any internal cultivation."
The moment I heard this, I felt a pang of desperation. "But how do I change this? How do I overcome these mental barriers?"
Master stood up, his expression stern. "You must find that answer yourself. Meditate on it, reflect on your past, and challenge your fears. Only then will you be ready to move forward."
He began to walk away, leaving me with my thoughts. "Remember, if you try to deceive me, it will not end well for you."
I swallowed hard, feeling a sudden chill. For some reason, I sensed that Master was far more dangerous than he appeared. His calm demeanor hid a depth of power and experience that I could only begin to comprehend.
As he disappeared into the night, I was left alone to grapple with my thoughts.
The path ahead was daunting, but I knew that if I was to unlock my true potential, I had to confront my inner demons and change my perception of myself.
********
The next week was a grueling test of endurance and self-reflection.
Each day, I spent hours meditating, trying to confront the mental barriers that had hindered me for so long. The process was slow and frustrating, but I persisted, determined to find the answers within myself.
In the mornings, I would wake before dawn, sit in the cold air, and focus on my breathing, visualizing the flow of energy within me.
The darkness I saw in my mind was no longer a sign of failure but a canvas waiting to be understood. I tried to see the walls and barriers for what they were—manifestations of my fears and insecurities.
During the day, I trained with my new squad, though it was clear that I was an outsider. They made no effort to include me, and their distrust was palpable.
The constant reminder that no one wanted to trust their back to me was a heavy burden, but I refused to let it break me.
'I need to get rid of these thoughts.'
Slowly but surely, I was starting to see the reason why those barriers existed in my head. Whether I did it intentionally or not, all those moments and events that came successively took a toll on my head.
It was inevitable that I would feel lost.
'Feeling lost.'
I remembered how it felt when I was disbanded by my family. The crushing weight of rejection, the disbelief that they could cast me aside so easily.
When my mother called me a disappointment, it was as if she had driven a stake through my heart. Her words echoed in my mind, a constant reminder of my perceived failures.
I always reminded myself of the memories of my past, the fleeting moments of pride when my father looked at me with approval, only for those moments to be overshadowed by his disappointed gaze.
Each time I failed to meet his expectations, the weight grew heavier, reinforcing the barriers within me.
'All those things were pulling me back.'
The realization hit me with startling clarity. Every harsh word, every dismissive glance, every time I felt inadequate—all of it had contributed to the walls that now stood in my way.
I had been carrying the burden of my family's expectations and their subsequent disappointment for so long that it had become a part of me. The fear of failing them, of being the weak link in a lineage of warriors, had seeped into my very core.
'But what if I let it go?'
The thought was both terrifying and liberating. What if I could release the hold these memories had on me? What if I could move forward without the weight of their expectations dragging me down?
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. The darkness in my mind no longer felt suffocating. Instead, it felt like an empty canvas, ready to be painted with new experiences and realizations.
'You are more than their expectations, Lucavion.'
Slowly, I began to dismantle the walls, piece by piece.
'That is right.'
Somehow, I felt something.
A pang of feeling.
A memory surfaced in my mind.
A memory of someone speaking to me.
'Never forget.'
The voice in the memory was clear, resonating with a calm wisdom. "Never forget what has happened, for it is part of who you are. But do not let it weigh so heavily on you that you neglect the present and fear the future."
Who was this person? I asked myself. The sound was crystal clear and something that felt like I was accustomed to.
However, at the same time, the name of the person nor the face came to my mind. It was all blurry as if a foil was covering it.
'As if something is blocking me.'
I knew there was a part of me that was different from the Lucavion. A part of me knew about the novel Shattered Innocence.
Yet, at the same time, that part of me was unknown to me, as I couldn't remember anything. Neither the name, the face, or the life.
Yet, at the same time, I felt a bit scared because it was unknown.
'Fear the future.'
But, the quote constantly rang in my head, reminding me of the words of a philosopher that I had read in a book when I was going to middle school.
"How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself, and in no instance bypass the discriminations of reason? You've been through the elements; you've suffered much from your disposition. You must realize that by now, and not be like a child, but an adult who is no longer a child, and one who is no longer moved by the conditions he is subject to."
'Middle school…..'
It was a word that did not belong to this world. Something from the other part of mine.
But before I could ponder any longer, the memory faded, leaving me with a profound sense of clarity. The past had shaped me, but it did not have to define me. I could honor my experiences without being chained by them.
Piece by piece, I continued to dismantle the walls. Each barrier I encountered was acknowledged and then gently set aside. The process was slow, but with every step, I felt lighter and more in control.
On the battlefield, I was forced to survive on my own. The lack of coordination with my squad made every skirmish a desperate struggle for survival. I relied on my instincts and training, pushing myself to the limit. Each fight was a test, not just of my physical abilities but of my resolve to keep going despite the odds.
One particularly brutal day, I found myself separated from the others, facing a group of enemies alone.
My body moved on autopilot, blocking and parrying their attacks.
Maybe because I felt more lightheaded compared to the time before, maybe for another reason, the flow of the fight became much more clear to me.
'Indeed. The first key is moving forward. Believe yourself.'
Each strike I landed was fueled by the determination to prove myself and take a step further every second.
I could see the movements of the enemies more clearly, and even though the weapon in my hand was a spear itself, I somehow did not feel repulsed by it any longer.
Rather than forcing myself to accommodate the spear, I made a small change and forced the spear to accommodate myself.
However, the results were not as good as how this sounded since I was just a beginner, and my strength was not sufficient for me to effectively deal with a number of enemies.
"Arghk-!"
Filled with wounds, I sat on the ground, leaning against the wall at the end of the brutal fight. My body ached, each cut and bruise a reminder of the battle I had just endured. I closed my eyes, taking shallow breaths to manage the pain.
As I sat there, my thoughts drifted back to my childhood, to the times when I would practice endlessly. Back then, I was afraid of something—pain. The sting of failure, the physical discomfort of training, and the fear of not living up to my family's expectations.
But now, as I looked at myself, battered and bloodied, I realized how far I had come. The fear of pain that once held me back was no longer a barrier. I had faced it head-on, pushing through the agony to become stronger. All this time, I had been improving, yet I had never acknowledged it.
My mind flashed back to those endless hours of training, the times when I felt like giving up but didn't. The determination that kept me going back then was still with me now, driving me to survive and fight another day.
"You're not the same person you were," I muttered to myself. "You've changed, Lucavion. You've moved forward."
Just then, a shadow fell over me. I looked up to see a soldier standing there, extending a hand. He wasn't from my squad, but we often fought alongside each other on the battlefield, on the borders between our groups.
"You did well today," he said, his voice filled with genuine respect. "Thanks to you, we were able to get over today's hurdle."
And the moment I saw the hand, I felt something inside me breaking.
–THUD!
As if a spell that was binding me broke.
I felt relieved.
And the river in my head started flowing down, no longer blocked.
-----------------------
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