Canute Larsen POV - (1700 words)
I stared at the sunset that painted the sky in shades of orange and pink. The last light of the day bled into the grey-ish fog of the early summer evening, casting a warm, filtered glow over everything.
Tomorrow is the day my high school life finally ends. The graduation ceremony was just above the horizon. Yet, despite the liberating sensation all I could think about was how I came second in my class.
Second place. Only one mark short of first.
I am not brooding about it, no. As a matter of fact, I am very satisfied with it.
However, I currently have something else that has become a constant itch in my ass.
The top spot went to Olivia; the girl I'd been crushing on since the start of high school. I always told myself that I'd confess my feelings to her when I finally outscored her. I thought it would be a grand gesture, proving my worth or something like that.
That was the general gist of my line of thought.
But now, it seemed like a silly, impossible dream. With one stupid mark, my entire plan had crumbled. God damn it!
Turning away from the damp window, I sighed and plopped down on my bed, but the unease wouldn't let me stay still.
My mind was racing, thinking about tomorrow… thinking about her.
GRAH! TO HELL WITH IT!
I got up and walked to my desk, the soft light of the evening filtering in through the window. A brief respite after it finally stopped raining.
Only sparing the beautiful weather a fleeting glance, I sat down on my chair and opened my laptop, ready to type an email to her.
Is this too old fashioned? Then again, would she really be willing to give me her number… ? I mean, maybe she would, but will I take the chances?
Of course, I did have her number but contacting it directly would make me look like a creep. Maybe…no, most likely.
God bless the emails! We have worked on projects before – quite a few of them – and during that, we were given each other's emails.
Alright, back to the present. Maybe it is still not too late. Maybe I can still tell her how I feel.
"Hi Olivia, I just wanted to say-"
"Ew, who are you again?"
Okay.. Maybe it wouldn't go all that well-
NO! I need to stop being a wimp! I have to tell her how I feel…
Can't be a lame bitch all my life… right?!
The confidence somewhat faltered as I typed in the recipient email address.
I hesitated, fingers hovering over the keyboard as I typed something on a keyboard made out of pure air.
It just struck me, but what would I even say?
"Hey, Olivia. Congrats on being the smartest person in school! By the way, I've had a crush on you for years."
Yeah, right. That sounded so lame, even in my head. God forbid, I don't even want to hear it out loud.
The room was quiet, the only sound was the slight hum of my laptop and the occasional chirp of crickets outside. Gaming laptops, man. A whole ass power generating turbine would generate less noise than the cooling fan in this.
…I shouldn't be taking out my anger at my own patheticness on my laptop. It's even more pathetic! I wanna cry…
As I sprawled for a moment on my desk, slightly pushing the lappy away, I thought back to all the times I'd watched Olivia from afar; her laugh, her smile, the way she always seemed so focused and determined.
She was perfect, and I was just… me.
Don't get me wrong, I am not average and I am self-aware about that. Even amongst a grade filled with handsome hunks, I held my place pretty nicely. However, that didn't change the fact that I was a guy who couldn't even muster the courage to tell her how he felt.
I closed my eyes, trying to calm the storm of thoughts swirling in my head.
Maybe if I started typing, the words would come. Yeah… I think I should do that.
---
{{Subject:}} Just Wanted to Say...
Dear Olivia,
…
…
I stared at the blinking cursor, feeling like it was mocking me. How could a simple email be so hard to write?
I leaned back in my chair, running a hand through my brown hair. The memories of the past few years flooded my mind. Every group project, every study session, every awkward attempt at small talk.
There was that one time in sophomore year when we were paired up for a biology project. I remember how nervous I was; stumbling over my words, and how she would just smile and make everything seem so easy.
It's not like we are strangers to each other. However, that is exactly why it's so hard.
I might lose it all. It would've been easy if he had just interacted one or two times and never become acquaintances.
We have spent a little time together, talking about things from schoolwork to our favourite movies. It was the first time I felt like I was treating someone as not just another classmate I had to beat to climb the ladder that led to the top.
I shook my head, snapping back to the present.
Focus Canute! I gave myself a mental jolt.
This email wasn't going to write itself. I took a deep breath and started typing again.
---
{{Subject:}} Just Wanted to Say...
Dear Olivia,
I know this might seem out of the blue, but I've been meaning to tell you something for a while now.
I have and still admire you. Not just because you have helped me with my homework a few times – that would be mean of me, hehe – but also for the light you have recently brought into my life, if you get what I mean... You're amazing, honestly; and I've had a crush on you for as long as I can remember.
---
I paused, rereading the words.
It felt strange to see my feelings laid out so plainly. But it was the truth. I'd spent so long hiding it, maybe it was time to be honest, even if it scared me.
I heard a car drive by outside, some of the light from its headlights briefly illuminating my modestly lit room.
The soft breeze through the open window rustled the curtains, filling the place with a refreshing smell of freshly watered grass, petrichor—the scent of earth after rain—and blooming flowers.
It was going to be a peaceful night, but my mind was anything but.
---
I know we're graduating tomorrow, and I don't want to regret not telling you how I feel given how you have a totally different career choice than me and we possibly won't be able to see each other again for the foreseeable future.
Even if you don't feel the same way, I needed you to know. You've been such an important part of –not only my school life – but everything related to me in general, and I'm grateful for all the memories we've shared.
I have never experienced such competitiveness as I did with you. You pushed me right over the cusp of what I had thought was my limit.
---
I stopped again, feeling a lump in my throat.
It was harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to say so much more, but the words just wouldn't come. I closed my eyes, picturing her face. It gave me the motivation to keep going.
---
No matter what happens, I wish you all the best in everything you do. You deserve all the success in the world, and so much more. Always holding you close in my prayers.
Sincerely;
Canute.
---
I stared at the email, cursor hovering over the send button and my finger trembling over the left button of the trackpad.
My heart was pounding in my chest.
What if she laughed? What if she didn't respond at all? I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump but terrified of the fall.
Ok, ok, now is not the time to overthink this stuff!
I can't live with the what-ifs anymore. I need to take the leap. I need to know. YES! That's the spirit, Canute! You're gonna crush this confession and have a happy ever-after!
With a deep breath, I clicked send.
The email disappeared suddenly, leaving me staring at the screen, feeling a strange mix of relief and dread.
No turning back now. Whatever happened, I had finally told her how I felt.
I closed my laptop and sat back, letting out a long sigh.
My environment, the night – that felt so alive and abuzz a while ago – was quiet again.
Only sound that filtered through the walls and slightly open window was the distant hum of traffic and the soft rustle of leaves in the breeze.
I felt a strange calm settle over me, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Tomorrow was graduation. I do not know what the future holds, but at least I have taken this step. For the first time in a long time, I can feel a glimmer of hope.
I laid back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
I couldn't help but smile gingerly at the thought of me being such a little shit.
It was kind of hypocritical you see, because I used to call older people "kiddos" and say dumb things like:
"Are you a pubescent teen? Can you wipe your ass properly?"
The internet is a great place, but not for me.
Karma really comes back to bite you in the rear, huh?
But hey, you never know. Maybe things would turn out okay after all. My momma used to say to never lose hope until the very end. Even after you fail; just strive to make it work again.
If she was alive, she would've been proud of me for this development.
I tried to picture her, but couldn't really do it. It has been years, and I was a little kid. All I remember are a few words of guidance from her.
As if I could kick the veil of melancholy that was descending on me, I threw my feet and picked my phone up. Removing it from the 'do not disturb' mode, I started to make my way downstairs.
Dad will be home soon. I should cook something for him.