When she woke up on the third day, anything that could be blown or banged to make tremendous noise was done just that for a quarter of an hour. As Skyhold celebrated, Evelyn spent that time coughing out whatever was still in her damaged lung and wheezing in unsteady breaths. Her throat was raw and her voice was raspy. Every inhale had a slight whistle to it, and she had to keep her breaths shallow, otherwise, she'd send herself straight into a coughing fit causing her an incredible amount of pain. She was on the first floor of the infirmary in her own private corner. The bright white linen partitions and sheets covering her were glaring compared to the dark stone walls. The air smelled clean with a hint of elfroot or some kind of light earthy scent.
Not fully aware yet, there were people in and out asking her all manner of questions, most notably Ilara, Vivienne, and Solas. Lying there in a daze, she listened as the mages explained her condition to her advisors and companions. "Her state is still unstable. Despite our best efforts, there is still fluid in her lungs and thus a risk of inflammation. The organ has been mended, but it will take time for it to strengthen on its own, the same goes for her bones," Vivienne started.
" Now that she is awake, we will be able to speed up the healing process as she will help us by pointing out the areas of pain that we cannot see," Ilara's voice sounded tired, no doubt from fussing endlessly over her. The thought brought her no small amount of guilt. "The red lyrium, thanks to the Seeker and Templars, has been out of her system for several days now, having expertly purged her without rendering her unconscious."
"And the mark," Solas added, "has becalmed. But... it has grown. I suspect it happened when the red lyrium tried to use the anchor."
"What of her magic? Do we know has that has been affected yet?" Cassandra's steady tone was laced with concern. Wondering now the same now, she touched her mana finding everything surprisingly fine.
"I--" her voice was just a squeak, "I--" The curtain opened and it revealed a room packed to the brim. The weight of their stares hit her hard as she analyzed their expressions and the harmony of various greetings.
"Hey, Blaze!" Varric called, "It's about time we were getting bored without you!"
"Quizzy! You look... eww!" Sera scrunched up her face, "Well, your hair looks great, yeah?"
Their eyes filled with mirth as she went to respond, but instead a wheeze and burning coughing fit took her. Immediately, the faces of her friends dropped into worried frowns immediately. The enchanters rushed to her, hands glowing at the ready. Owayne pushed in, and they gave him the job of bending her over the bed to cough out anything. When she was done her brother laid her back gently as she panted, closing her eyes tightly shut.
The two mages left the Trevelyan siblings and closed the partition, "Perhaps, she isn't ready for company quite yet, dears. Enchanter Ilara and I will send updates as we have them. For now, I suggest you all let her rest and… adjust to her injuries."
"We were set to leave for Adamant in a week. Is it safe to assume will have to postpone our departure?" The Commander's voice was soft, even though she knew the amount of work this injury was going to cause him.
"Most definitely, Commander. The best case is a two-week recovery, but I won't be able to tell you more until we start treatment and see how her body responds." Vivienne's words while hopeful, were not what he wanted to hear. In her mind's eye, she could see him running a hand through his hair huffing at the major delay of his operation.
After a copious amount of water, she was able to speak, asking what she missed. Her brother spoke of the aftermath and any information he had been privy to. "Did you write Father?"
"Of course, and I'll do so again today before our family descends on Skyhold bringing more trouble with them," Owayne rolled his eyes.
"To be fair, Mother truly had not known about Ryker. He had a gift for manipulation."
"Well, she does now and I've received nothing but silence from her. I believe, after hearing the news of what was said at the trial, she's a bit guilt-stricken."
"If any good has come of this, it's that she will never push another suitor on me again." She let her head fall back on the firm pillow, "Anything else I should know?" After a lengthy pause, she opened her eyes to find him giving her a sour look, "What is it?"
"Cullen told me you were seeing each other… secretly." Her jaw clenched and she held his eyes. "When he first began to voice his suspicions about Aeron, I simply thought it was because you were good friends, but after throwing him under the Druffalo at breakfast the morning of mother's departure, he fessed up."
"Well, as I'm sure you're aware, that isn't going on any longer since I thoroughly fucked that up." Her gaze fell away from him and a deep sadness settled on her face.
"I'm sorry little sis." A brief respite from his mood produced a smirk, "But for the record, I called it the moment I met him!"
"Yes, yes, congratulations. Can we please not speak of him," her voice softened back to a somber state towards the end.
"Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"By talking about the single greatest depressing thing in my life at the moment? Great plan," she shook her head slowly.
"You still care for him then?"
"Of course. I had to break things off by Ryker's order. It was either I do it, or he would've, and of what you know now of the man, can you imagine what he would've done to Cullen?" She took another sip of water to fend off a cough, "I hurt him, and now I have to live with it." Her head fell back once more in exasperation, unable to even begin to conspire how she was to explain to Cullen why she said what she said.
"Well, from what I saw in the War Room that day and the days leading up to it, that seemed like a man who still cared." She felt like deep within her heart she knew that, but she had created an impassable rift that she felt he now questioned if it was worth crossing. Tears wet her eyes as she averted his gaze, hating crying in front of him. "Hey, hey," he said softly, "Cullen may be a thick-headed Ferelden, but he's perceptive. Just give him time to sort through his feelings. He's got the world on his shoulders with this Adamant thing. I think as his first offensive military operation he's adding extra pressure to himself not to fail."
"Trust me I know, and I'm yet again messing things up for him." She faced away from him feeling a bit sorry for herself.
Her brother leaned forward on his knees, "He's a big boy, and can handle himself. If it makes you feel better I'll get Cassandra's help and check in on him." She sighed and nodded, "You need to focus all your energy on healing, then you can worry about what comes next."
"I'll try."
***
Her confinement to bed proved more interesting than she would've imagined, having nothing to do but talk with her friends. Normally, work or their current mission was too much of a distraction to properly sit and chat about what was occupying the bulk of their free time, but with that obstacle gone, it revealed a whole new side to many of them.
"I'm not sure wine is on my list of things I can have, Dorian."
"Pff, with how expensive this particular white is, it should have you up and dancing. What will a glass or two hurt? Who's about to even stop us?"
"Careful, or Ilara will come down here and beat your arse, or better yet, she'll have Henley do it."
"A punishment I wouldn't mind taking. That is a fine-looking specimen, and that is saying something coming from me."
"He certainly is--"
"Such high praise, Trevelyan! That would've earned you a back and shoulder massage at least when were on missions together in Ostwick. And you know I give the best massages."
She crossed her arms, "Oh, here we go. Now look what you've done." Preening like a peacock in the manliest way possible, Henley strode down the stairs. His tanned skin was a few shades lighter than Dorian's, but he had the same shade of hair just lightly peppered behind the ears. "Try not to trip on the ego leaking from your ears."
Dorian uncrossed his legs and sat up, "Am I sensing some history between the two of you? Secret forbidden trysts in the Circle sort of history?"
"It was never really a secret. We just never got caught."
"Henley!" She groaned, knowing Dorian would never leave until he squeezed all the juicy details he wanted from her.
"Pff, you could've done worse from that lot. There were some nasty blighters there. You're lucky I decided to tolerate your sooty musk."
"Get the fuck out, Byron! We were on the road, how was I to… ugh, never mind. Just 'cause you have the prettiest girl in Skyhold now, doesn't mean I have to put up with your sass. Remember, I'm still your boss and can send you to the arse end of Thedas! How does an extended tour in the Fallow Mire sound? We'll"
"Take it up my chain of command, Trevelyan. The Commander likes me too much. Speaking of which, I'm headed to see him now." The mere mention of him was like a stab to the gut each time.
"Ah, another handsome man, even if he's Ferelden. It seems Skyhold is collecting them, myself included." With a dramatic salute, Henley banged out the door. She shook her head after him, before meeting the Tevinter's cheeky gaze, "Spill it. All of it, mind you, or I'll just be here again when you wake up."
"Do you truly have nothing better to do?" She said beside herself. "Why don't you try and help Owayne woo Cassandra, make pigs fly, or do some other impossible task?"
He looked slyly at her from the corner of his eye, "I don't think your brother needs help anymore." They held each other's gaze as her eyes widened.
"You mean… Maker, and they didn't tell me! Let's talk about that!"
"Don't change the subject, my dear. You. Henley. Smut, no fluff. Go."
***
"I have a bone to pick with you, dear tentmate." The look Evelyn was giving her made her balk back at her.
"And that is?" Cassandra's sassy tone was paired with a raised eyebrow.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" She folded her hands in her lap looking up at her expectantly.
She narrowed her eyes at her, "You mean like, how Bull has been misusing Inquisition resources by launching Krem's knitted nugs out of the catapults?"
The Inquisitor sighed, trying to hold back a cough, "Try again."
"That Sera ran all of Josephine's smallclothes up the flagpole? Though I do believe some were Dorian's, it was difficult to tell."
Her hard expression broke and she began to laugh, though not enough to cause a fit, "What in Andraste's name goes on here when I'm incapacitated? You've all gone mad! But no, not that either."
Cassandra's brow knitted together as she tried to think of another thing to distract her, but having failed, she guilt fully came clean, "Alright, if you must know, I have begun to... welcome your brother's advances." She looked sheepishly up from under her brow.
"Was that truly so hard to admit?"
"Yes! I don't..." the Seeker threw her hands up as she searched for the words with cheeks flushed, "I haven't done this sort of thing in a long time, and frankly, wasn't planning to again."
"You mean to tell me Varric's smutty books were going to be the only form of romance you planned on having to sustain yourself for the rest of your days?"
She made a disgusted grunt, "Not... really. I don't know. I suppose I was just being stubborn."
"Like usual," she smiled teasingly at her friend. "For what it's worth, I'm happy for you both, as strange as it is. The two of you are like opposites."
She laughed lightly looking to the ceiling, "You're not wrong, but he's grown on me."
"You mean he wore you down," this time she heartily chuckled causing her chest to tickle. "We Trevelyans tend to do that. Seriously though, I sincerely believe you will be a good influence on him. Were you ever planning on telling me though? Dorian and his big mouth were the ones to spill it on me first."
Her scowl was back, "Dorian? Does he have nothing better to do than pry into everyone else's personal affairs?"
Remembering her most recent conversation with him she replied confidently, "No, he really doesn't."
She scooted her chair forward whispering, "And what about you, have you spoken with Cullen?"
She looked down fiddling her fingers, "No, but I don't think there is much to say. What I did is unforgivable and once his trust is broken, that's it, you don't get it back. I'm not sure if we can move past this." They shared a profound look of sorrow and she tried her best not to get choked up. She cleared her throat, "I'm not even sure I know how to broach the subject with him. I feel like I lost the ability to talk with him like we used to after having to be so cold and distant."
Cassandra reached out and held her hand with a gentle squeeze, "I'm sure you'll think of a way. Has he been to see you?"
A watery sheen coated her eyes, "Lar said he comes late at night after I'm given my sleeping draught. He just sits for a few minutes in silence then leaves. She's been too afraid to say anything to him, not wanting to scare him off."
"Can you stay up until he arrives?"
She scoffed humorously, "No, you'd be surprised at the limitations of my authority in this part of Skyhold."
***
When the Inquisitor was able to walk to her quarters, with the help of her brother and the mages, she was overjoyed to finally be out of bed. Though she was under orders to remain in her quarters to rest for another few days, she could at least do something other than gossip. Her desk had a small pile of work, no doubt missing several letters that her advisors were instead taking care of. Though her body still hurt, her mind was sharp, and she demonstrated such to her council that relinquished her work back to her happily.
With plans to leave for Adamant at the end of the following week, the Commander was beginning to ramp up preparations again to move the army out to the sandy wasteland. Almost every day there was a matter for them to discuss, and she tried to suppress her feelings of desiderium for the warmth they once shared. Conversations were conducted with efficient speed without frivolous small talk.
One day as he awaited her signature regarding a request for more resources from Emperor Gaspard, she could no longer ignore the awkwardness. Dipping her quill in her inkwell, the Inquisitor resolved in her mind to not let him go this time. Lost in thought and staring at one of the many items collected by her on her travels, she couldn't help but notice his hands were trembling resting on the arms of the chair across from her desk. After affixing her signature, she poured sand upon the page that soaked up any extra ink then folded it. Taking her gold stick of sealing wax and holding her finger to it, she cast a small flame, dripping the melted wax onto the open fold of the parchment. Blowing on the wax to cool it, she looked up again watching a subdued wince overtake his face… it was clear he was suffering a bout of lyrium withdrawal symptoms.
Even so, she was determined to speak with him. Pressing her seal into the wax, she passed the letter to him. As if he was trying to escape a horde of Orlesian nobles, he quickly stood planting one foot in the direction of her door. "Cullen, wait," she held the letter not letting it go forcing him to sit back down looking uncomfortable. She was no less nervous to speak of the heartbreak infusing their interactions. Having no better idea as to how to lead into it, Evelyn meekly admitted, "I'm not sure how to even begin to apologize to you for everything."
He sighed grimly with a hint of annoyance, then shook his head, "Don't." Hurt crept onto his face as he leaned back in the chair again, shielding his eyes with a gloved hand.
"What do you mean?" She was slightly confused.
He composed himself stoically, though didn't meet her eyes, "I've had time to consider the matter and..." His tone was worrisome, making her heart pick up its pace. "I think, whatever we were needs to be put aside for the good of the Inquisition." Her hopes sank at his words, despite knowing they could not simply pick up where they left off. She had gone over it many times in her head, but hearing the words from him was more painful than getting stabbed in the chest. "Our duty comes first, and as it stands, Adamant is going to be hard enough on us all."
As his wish to end their once-blooming relationship sunk in, she wondered why dramatically they had bothered to close the hole in her chest. They should've just let her bleed out, for whatever semblance of her heart was just destroyed. This is exactly why she never let things go too far with Henley. This was why she guarded her heart, because she knew once she gave it away it would belong to that man forever. Cullen had won it back at Haven and she foolishly allowed herself to hope for something more from life after the Inquisition.
Her mark sputtered some light and she viewed the magic eating away at her hand and wrist. Suddenly, she didn't care that it was killing her. At least then people could say she died in a service to Thedas, not of a broken heart.
"As you wish," her voice had an edge to it, not having much choice but to go along with what he needed. She had no right to suggest otherwise.
Cullen's amber eyes narrowed flicking up to hers finally, "You sound as though you disagree?"
She certainly did, but needed to tread carefully or risk pushing him too far away. He was glaring at her as if an enemy on the battlefield. "You don't want to hear what I have to say?"
"No, I don't. What would that change?" Cullen glared at her with exasperation. She opened her mouth to respond, but shut it, as he went on, "I lost you. For months I dealt with it, tried to accept it to be able to just see you every day without succumbing to grief as we worked. The only thing that kept me from the Void was my duty. Then you kissed me that night, making me almost say something I'm glad I didn't, especially after using me in your games of the nobility. The magic that you used on me, I might be able to forgive, but using me…" he angrily shook his head at her. Evelyn couldn't help the tears welling up in her chocolate eyes, even as she tried to stoke her rage instead as protection.
"I understand." Her anger wouldn't flare, leaving her only with profound sorrow.
Seeing her shrink into herself, he seemed to find an ounce of pity within himself, "We need to be able to work together as Inquisitor and Commander first and foremost." She simply nodded, not trusting her voice. "It would be unfair to give you any hope. We may find that we're better off apart, I don't know." It was a crushing blow. Her jaw clenched and she looked ahead to the fireplace trying to focus on not unraveling before him. She expected this, so why was it still so devastating? "I'm sorry it has to be this way." She pursed her lips together nodding. "I, um..."
"I think that will be all, Commander. Don't forget your letter." She slid it to him across the desk. He studied her before standing to leave. Her glassy eyes were directed away in pain, anger, and frustration. Her rational sense reminded her that he was the victim, not she, and yet, had she not just been tortured by a ghost from the past? Had agonized over every transgression she was forced to commit against him? Nearly died protecting him? Didn't she deserve a bit of sympathy? How could she communicate that to him without it becoming a contest as to who had suffered more?
As the door clanked shut, she found herself alone with her tormenting thoughts. The silence of the room was suffocating. In that moment, she allowed herself to feel sorry for herself for once. Throwing herself onto the bed, tears flowed like a bubbling brook and she hugged a pillow muffling her sobs. After some time, she sat there emotionally raw. That one word, duty, ate at her. It was the reason she suffered Ryker's blackmail and the only thing keeping her from losing Cullen. It was a bane and a blessing, and whether she liked it or not, looking at the anchor's pulsating glow, she was bound to its body and soul.
The expanded mark glared up at her as she studied the spread of it. The green was beginning to bleed into the veins of her wrist. Any hope of removing the mark or thinking that it wouldn't claim her was gone. Seeing it so entrenched within her skin, when it flared confronted her with her own mortality. Perhaps, Cullen was right, maybe it was better they separated before fate did it without remorse. Would it be easier for her to die than for this crusade?
The deep depression set into her chest again. It was an emptiness where all emotion and rational thought were lost. As soon as she'd think of something to keep her afloat, it sank into its dark depths. It was an indescribable loneliness to know no one understood her, not even Cullen now. Ilara may have suffered alongside her, but only endured half of it. She did not have the fire beaten out of her daily or forced to do anything against her will. As these spiraling thoughts consumed her for the entirety of the day, she began to wonder how she was going to get out of bed and face the world tomorrow. The Phoenix looked to the fire, the mirror image of her soul, trying to find some hope to help starve away the darkness overtaking her. Within the flames, one glaring word stuck out in her mind through the cacophony...
Duty.
***
After a cheery breakfast, everyone was happy to see her up and about except the woman herself, the hour bell rang signaling the start of work. She and her advisors made their way slowly to the War Room at her pace. Entering the space free of Ryker's influence was freeing. There were no secrets to hide, no spies, no reason to watch her words, it was just as it had been. Sort of.
Naturally, Josephine couldn't let things begin without officially welcoming her back, to which the others wore relieved expressions as well, even the Commander. It seemed he was not wasting time resuming their strictly polite working relationship. After her meltdown the previous day, she reminded herself that like him, duty was her ultimate driving force as well. Unlike him, however, she also didn't have much of a choice since the explosion at the Conclave. Regardless, it kept the shadow of depression at bay and roused her from bed getting her this far.
Physically she ached and the stairs were proving to be the biggest obstacle, and of course, one couldn't go anywhere in Skyhold without running into a damn staircase. When asked about her health, she said as much adding, "I may need to have Bull on hand to carry me when my lungs can't take it."
"Adamant will pose the same challenges to you, I would suggest viewing it like training," Cullen's tone neutral.
"You're right, of course. I can't afford to get soft, Maker knows, I'll have a target painted on my back attracting every demon in that fortress to me. Now, let us start today by bringing me up to speed on the changes caused by the delay and the status of our forces." The biggest challenge was the estimation of how many Grey Wardens were now occupying Adamant Fortress. The Inquisition had shown their hand as the siege equipment was already en route. Had the army been in tow, Erimond wouldn't have had time to prepare. Knowing now that they were coming, assumingly if Commander Clarel had any sense left, she would've had another week to prepare the ancient stronghold for siege. With the element of surprise gone, the Inquisition would have to call up more men. Cullen had been busy adjusting the supplies to accommodate the extra battalions now having to join them. Not only that but a third of the force was sent ahead with the siege engines as an escort and would require additional resources before the arrival of the rest of the army. While she was unconscious, the Ambassador quickly sent word to Emperor Gaspard, who grateful to the Inquisition for taking on this foe alone within their borders, sent along the needed supplies and then some. Though it had been a logistical nightmare, the situation was well in hand.
"My agents have seen a massive rift situated in the center of the fortress. The reason has yet to be discovered, but I think we can assume that is where the demon army is spawning from," Leliana circled her finger around a few areas on the schematic of Adamant where the rift could be located based on the reports.
"Have any demons actually been spotted?" The Knight-Enchanter questioned. Demons didn't require the basic necessities of a normal army.
"Yes, and it is… not good."
"Wonderful." Evelyn pinched the bridge of her nose, "Try and have them find out which have been summoned already. The more we know ahead of time the better we can prepare." The delay had cost them dearly, and it would be the rank and file who paid the ultimate price of her recent blunder. "I'd like copies of all the reports to go through on my desk before midday. If I have any questions, I'll come see you personally." The three nodded.
"One last note," Josephine tapped her quill for attention, "Arl Teagan will be arriving to discuss several trade agreements in two days. Originally, I had planned to entertain him myself with you all away on mission, but with the delay of the siege operation, we will host a formal dinner for him. I expect you all to attend and look presentable." The last word was punctuated toward the Commander, who did a double-take before rolling his eyes with an accompanying groan. "The Arl is the uncle of King Alistair, it would be an insult to not have the entirety of the advisory council in attendance if they are at home."
The Spymaster's gaze shot to the Inquisitor in a rare moment of concern, "Do you think is wise, Josie, to put Evelyn through their interrogations so soon? Perhaps, we say she is still recovering?" Her point was well-founded.
"The Inquisitor will have to face them eventually. Better it be at home than elsewhere." The Ambassador gazed at her with soft gray eyes watching her frown deepen, "I am sorry to do this to you, but here you will at least have us all at hand to assist with any issues that may arise. Perhaps, there is someone who can accompany you to look after your well-being?" Though she was looking down, from their shifting she knew they were giving the Commander a look.
Before he could, though not that he would have obliged them, she blurted out, "Sorin. I'd like him to be with me. He will keep me… level-headed. Plus, he's half-Ferelden."
"Very well, I will see to his preparation and attire."