One time, my eyes would be on the road in the front, and the next second, on the file in the passenger seat.
Driving forward to get Emily, I had never thought so hard about how to face my husband even when I came to know about his affair.
The events of last night did a number on me. Parking on my usual spot, I made my way upstairs using the elevator.
When it dinged open to the living room of his condominium, I sighed in relief. It was just Bianca, and Emily was on the other side, focused on her iPad.
The moment she saw me, calling out to me she ran towards me. It made Bianca know about my presence.
"Mama!"
Bianca stood up from sitting on the sofa. Emily hugged my legs. I parted my eyes from her and looked down at my daughter.
"Go get your bag. We are going home."
I said. Emily nodded and walked to get her school bag. Cole must have dropped her here after picking her up from school.
"Cole went out for a quick business meeting."
Bianca spoke out. She must think I was here to see him. But I was not. So shaking my head, I told her that.
"I'm just here to get Emily."
Bianca nodded. There was silence for a flash, awkwardness seeping in right then she opened her mouth again.
"You know he loves the kids...Emily as his own."
It made me wonder where she was going with it. The last night neither of us thought it to end the way it did.
And for the very first time since he proposed divorce, I let out my thoughts on it after being silent for months.
"He cares about you too, Janet."
I could see in her eyes how hard it must be to admit that out in the open, the man she loved also cared about another woman who was not her but his wife.
"Last night...he could not sleep after you left with the kids."
If I could doubt the part that Cole cared about me, I could not do the same when it came to the question of Emily and Aiden because I knew he loved both of them.
To some extent, I could not deny that he cared about me too. The past would splash right in front of my face, reminding me of what he had done back then when everything was falling apart.
He stood up for me in exchange for nothing at all. He sacrificed his image to protect me. I remember the disappointment in his father's eyes when he declared to them that he got a girl pregnant after high school.
Although they were very accepting of the situation, I bet Luna and Mr Harrison trusted their son to do better than that.
So how could I have a second thought about him caring for me?
"He lied to me."
I let out. Bianca must have already come to know about it.
"He only had the best intentions to do so."
She said, as if defending him which was exactly what she was doing.
"I do not care about anything else other than the well-being of my kids."
I had not realized when a strand of tear rolled down my cheeks. I rubbed it off with the back of my hand.
Before she could tell more, I yelled out Emily's name wondering what was taking her so long to come with her school bag.
"Emily! Come out now. We need to go."
And with slow steps, she came out of the room. We both looked at her. I gestured for her to come quickly.
"No!"
She said. It made me frown at her not understanding what she meant by that.
"What?"
"I'm not going."
She asserted. Bianca and I stared at each other. Emily had never acted the way she was doing right then.
"Why baby? We need to go home though."
I softened my tone walking up to her. It only made her recede backwards making me stop on my steps.
"I wanna stay with Daddy. I am home."
She pressed again. I did not know what to say in that moment. She was not incorrect either. Indeed she was home here too.
So how could I persuade her to come back home with me?
"We can come to see Daddy another time."
Bargaining was the only way children could be manipulated into doing the way their parents wanted, and I applied that theory, hoping that my daughter would buy it and come home without further argument because I could not force her to come home with me either.
"You angry with Daddy. You do not want me to see Daddy."
As soon as she said that, my worst fear came true. No longer could I think that she was too small to understand what was going on around her.
When the kids are small, we often take that as an advantage to act the way we want to without expecting an explanation required by them.
My daughter was growing up and I could not possibly take every matter lightly anymore knowing it had a direct impact on them.
"Your mother is not angry with me."
I turned around to find Cole by the door. Emily immediately ran towards him and he picked her up in his arms.
"She said you lied to her."
Emily pointed out. She must have been hearing to me and Bianca's exchange of words. It made both of us, the two women in the hall eye each other.
"You should not eavesdrop on older people's conversations, Emily."
Cole said. He could tell we were talking about last night. She apologised to him right away.
"It is alright now. Never do that again ok?"
She swiftly nodded her head understanding her father's words. Being with him only few days a month, she was more drawn to him, always expecting to spending more time with her father.
"Now go home with your mother."
He tried to drop her down on her feet but she tightly wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him.
"But I wanna stay here with you."
She declared, not even turning to look at me. I realized that the only way out of here would be breaking her little heart so I gave up. I would never want that.
"It's alright. She can stay here if that is what she wants."
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