It was a miracle that you were still able to keep yourself from shouting
Sadly controlling your body from falling to the ground and convulsing was not something you could do.
But at the very least you weren't alarming the whole camp.
BUT THE PAIN….
The pain did not stop if anything it got worse and worse.
That's when you started hearing a quiet voice
"Sh— –at —t-e –u–k tha– —pa—sy–e tr—d me!"
The voice was accompanied by more pain.
You tried standing up after slowly getting used to the pain.
Even when it was pain that one could not truly get used to.
Still you stand up and try thinking…..but the pain doesn't let you.
You try time and time again to just focus on a–..
"Ey wh-t ha-pp–d to -e g-t ou- of – b-dy!"
AHH that voice again everytime it speaks it gets harder to think.
Something drastic has to be done.
You see no other way than to believe in your instincts.
You smash your head against the nearest tent pole.
"BANG BANG BANG"
Blood splatters around and your vision starts blurring.
"BANG BANG BANG"
"AHHHHH stop it, are you crazy!!!"
Said the voice, which was the only sign that what you were doing was working.
So you kept at it.
People around you start noticing your crazy behavior and a medic helper runs up towards you trying to stop your attempts at opening up your own skull.
"BANG BANG—...."
But it takes more than just one person to take control of you despite your small size.
(Fuck and I thought finally something good happened to me…)
Where your last thoughts before you went unconscious.
— — — —
As I wake up my head starts throbbing.
Oh man why did that asshole have to do that.
Couldn't he have just given up no need to make me dumber than I already am and what was that all about?
My surroundings slowly come into vision, but everything is so wobbly.
If he just wanted to take over my body, why do the whole act of being a god?
Did he think I would just let him take it if he got me to believe that he was a god?
I notice that my body is secured to a chair with the help of some rope.
Probably because I was acting like a maniac and they didn't want me to continue once I regained consciousness.
The medic helper had always been the kind of softie to do something like this… well that was till he died. . . .
What. . . .
How did I know that he died?
Well because I learned it from the medic after I returned back to base.
But how did I know about that when he is obviously alive right now??
With that little bit of information that had just been a drop in the bucket, more came out like a waterfall.
I was remembering information but I was also feeling anger and hatred.
My worldview was changin bit by bit.
The opinions of people I had known or would know in the future changed in ways I could not predict and solidified to a dangerous degree.
It was hard not to lose myself in that, it felt like a different personality had been rooted inside of my soul.
But I knew this feeling.
It was my second time having this experience but I had no idea how to deal with it.
Well there was no use in trying anyway.
I assume this imposter who calls himself Shawa was responsible for this.
But how long had he been with me already?
I thought he had only recently attached himself to me.
For a while I just sat there not making a sound, trying to assimilate these memories, although they felt more like a real personality than just memories.
Slowly I found out more and more about those memories, they were memories of my future and that future looked more than just bleak.
It looked like hell… don't get me wrong I could endure hell and whatever it held for me, but not without getting anywhere, not without getting closer to my goal.
Well in these memories the only thing I got closer to was my death.
Everyday from morning till night from day to day and from spring to winter.
It felt so wrong, so evil, why did I have to suffer so much, why could I not even get the one thing I asked for, why was I always being punished just for being born.
My teeth clenched, but I quickly regained my bearings.
Was that really me just now?
It didn't feel like me.
I did not feel like diving any deeper at the moment, not while tied up on a chair with dried blood on my face and mud on my uniform.
"HEEEEY IM ALRIGHT NOW"
"HEEEEYYYY I WON'T TRY TO KILL MYSELF"
I shouted for someone to come but nothing happened.
I waited but no one came.
I just wanted to eat something, maybe drink some liquor and then sleep.
My legs were starting to go numb which did not feel great and I really didn't want to stay here any longer.
"HEEEEEEEYYYYYYY FUCKING BILLLLYYY GET HEEEREEE RIGHT NOW"
I tried my best at sounding like the old medic, which apparently helped quite a bit because a flustered Billy came running to me at the drop of a hat.
He had half opened eyes, disheveled hair and some drool on the side of his mouth.
Despite his looks he looked to the left and then to the right faster than a deer hearing a stick break.
After looking for a while he turned to me and wiped away his drool.
"Hey, have you seen Dr. Medicios? I could swear I just heard him yell at me."
He asked.
"No but would you be so kind as to release me?"
He took a closer look at me, widening his eyes and saying.
"Oh yeah, you seem to be in a better state of mind now, but…. let me just ask some questions before I let you go."
"Yeah sure."
I say shaking my head while holding in the urge to roll my eyes at him.
"I mean well *uhm* you know to *uhm* test whether you will try to kill yourself again."
*silence*
" *AHEM* Anyways, how many fingers am I holding up?
Thus followed some very unnecessary questions from the eager medic helper Billy.
— — —
Although I didn't mind him, I was not going to stay any longer than necessary, which is why I walked away almost instantly without another word.
There was just one thing on my mind right now.
Food.
Some rations or maybe even some nice warm soup.
Well anything would suffice really.
As long as I could forget what I had seen for just one day.
I Also had to heal my sore, wounded body somehow.
So I made my way to the food distribution facility thinking about what they might have for me.
But remembering that I still had dried blood on me, I changed course to the water pump.
It was quite helpful that we had a steady supply of water.
Although the taste of chemicals was something to get used to, it was better than the dirty puddles of the slum or dying of dehydration.
I splashed some cold clean water on my face which alleviated some of the still prominent headache as well as woke me up.
The dirt and dried blood washed off.
I massaged my head trying to get all the dirt out
Holding my head under the water stream I just looked into the puddle forming below it.
I kept my head under it for what felt like a solid minute closing my eyes.
"Haaaah
A sigh escaped my mouth.
Once I opened my eyes up again and looked at my reflection, what I saw filled me with dread.
It was my face but it was filled with scars and bruises, I already had a dark complexion and wasn't the most happy go lucky guy.
But that face looked like it had not experienced a single moment of joy in its whole life.
Startled, I jumped back falling on my ass.
I guess I couldn't run away from this.
I had planned on taking it easy for at least a day, but there was no way I could do that while being aware of my seemingly inevitable future.
With my ass now wet, I made my way towards the food distribution.
But food wasn't on my mind anymore.
The only thing I could think of was escape.
— — —
The problem of escaping was that if you even so much as tried to escape.
The sergeant would make an example out of you.
The Nobles of Cahlian were very strict about deserters and breaking military rules in general.
So you had to expect frequent nightly patrols, strict routines and search squads equipped with hunting dogs if you managed to escape.
All of that was still something in the realm of possibility.
At least with a lot of preparation.
But there was one thing that made this nearly impossible.
At the start of every soldier's conscription to the militia, they had a small chip implanted inside their head and I was no different.
This small chip was a sort of tracking device, forcefully getting it out of your head would leave you with a seizure + the added bonus of becoming retarded.
There were only 3 things that you could do to escape.
Either you showed devotion and accomplishments so great you would be acclaimed a national hero and they would have to get you out of the battlefield.
Which by the way… was virtually impossible.
You could also wait until the war was over and survive for as long as possible.
Which wouldn't be for another 6 years and ended in my death the last time I tried it.
So that one was also out of the question.
Or you just destroyed the source of the tracking, or differently said the console that was connected to all these chips.
I had found out that there was a sort of console that controlled the tracking of all chips, this console was in the hands of the sergeant and never left his side.
So obviously I tried to get this console time and time again, but not once was I successful.
The sergeant's protection was just too great and I didn't have the influence or power to fight him.
But it is different now, I still don't have either one of these things.
But I can get them.
Well it would take time to say whether I would actually achieve this.
Right now though, I was being put into a different squad.
They had found out that all of my squad members died and were now putting me in another squad that lost some of its men.
"Good afternoon captain Leonas Pits."
Looking at my new captain the first thing that caught my eye was his tall stature and his dog blonde hair that was tied up into a ponytail.
He looked like a prince, someone that didn't fit in with the atmosphere of the militia.
His kind looking blue eyes were looking at me… judging me.
"Hello private Diomedes."
He said with a big smile on his face, never losing eye contact with me.
It felt like he was looking at my soul, seeing everything like I was an open book to him.
"Ahem"
The overseer with his high nose, sleek cheekbones and almost vampire like complexion, who had accompanied me coughed loud enough to break apart the slowly ensuing silence.
I don't think I'm needed here anymore so if you'll excuse me I have many more tasks to attend to."
After which he just checked a box on his clipboard, walked away without looking back.
After seeing him walk away.
We just stood there, awkwardly looking around to find something to say or do, something so that we could escape this silence.
Or at least I did, my new Captain seemed in no way bothered by the silence.
Just looking at me like a hawk eyeing his prey.
He was smiling and radiating an aura of superiority.
"Thank you for saving me last time."
I said.
He raised his eyebrows, widened his eyes and asked.
"What do you mean?"
I closed my eyes for a small second and took a big gulp of air.
A necessary preparation for me to do something I normally didn't.
"Haaah I was that boy crawling in the mud, you saved me in the last battle and I just wanted to thank you."
For a moment he just stayed there like a statue, putting his finger to his temple.
His eyes were looking down, almost as if in a daze.
"So you were that soldier, I didn't even recognize you without mud and blood all over you."
He answered with a big smile as if to show me that what he said was to be taken as a joke.
I had no words for this and was honestly kind of perplexed by his demeanor which felt different from how I expected him to act.
Most captains had an air of arrogance on them and would discipline their squad if they ever showed the slightest bit of disrespect.
There were not many easygoing captains and my previous captain was an exception not the norm, with his drunken ramblings and his fondness for vulgar humor.
"Let's go!"
He said, interjecting my thoughts.
"Where to?"
"To meet the rest of your squad obviously."