My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I could barely breathe as I stepped back into the warmth of the castle. The kiss. It was all I could think about, replaying it over and over in my mind like a song I couldn't get out of my head.
The way Ciara's lips had felt against mine, the way her breath had mingled with mine, soft and warm in the cool night air. I had kissed her back gods, I had wanted to kiss her back.
I could still feel the lingering heat on my lips, as if they were marked by her, like a brand that seared into my very soul.
The sensations were overwhelming. My pulse raced, my mind was a whirlwind, and every time I tried to catch my breath, the memory of that kiss knocked the air right out of me again.
Nathaniel was talking beside me, his voice a low hum in my ear, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't. How could I focus on anything else when my mind was still reeling from what had just happened?
I kept my head down, my feet moving automatically as we walked back towards the dining hall, my thoughts a tangled mess of emotions I didn't know how to unravel.
I wanted to go back to the balcony, to find Ciara and kiss her again, to see if that spark I had felt was real or if it was just the heat of the moment. But more than that, I wanted to understand why I wanted to kiss her again so badly. Was it just physical? Was it something deeper? Or was it something I wasn't ready to face?
The moment we stepped back into the dining hall, I was pulled from my thoughts by the sight of Leora, seated at the head of the table, her sharp eyes studying us as we entered. Nathaniel's voice faded into the background as I focused on her, trying to push down the wave of emotions that was threatening to drown me.
"What is it?" I asked, my voice steadier than I felt.
Leora's gaze flicked between Nathaniel and me, a slight frown creasing her brow. "Nothing," she said slowly, her tone filled with suspicion. "I didn't call for you."
My heart, which had barely begun to calm, skipped a beat. I turned to Nathaniel, glaring at him as realization dawned. He had interrupted us on purpose. He had dragged me away from Ciara for no reason at all, and the anger that surged through me was almost as intense as the confusion and longing I had been feeling moments ago.
Nathaniel met my glare with a calm, unreadable expression. "You should go have some rest, Aeliana," he said softly, his voice gentle, almost patronizing.
Rest? I wanted to scream at him, to demand to know what the hell he thought he was doing, but I was too tired, too overwhelmed by everything that had happened. Instead, I just nodded curtly, not trusting myself to speak without my voice shaking.
Turning on my heel, I left the dining hall, my feet carrying me down the familiar corridors of the castle without me really noticing where I was going. My thoughts were a chaotic storm, my emotions swirling together in a mess I couldn't untangle.
What was I supposed to do now? Pretend that kiss hadn't happened? Pretend that I hadn't felt something when Ciara's lips touched mine, something more than just a physical reaction?
I wanted to forget it, to push it to the back of my mind and move on, but every time I closed my eyes, I could see her, could feel her, and it made it impossible to think clearly.
As I walked, my pace slowed, the adrenaline that had been pumping through me finally beginning to wear off, leaving me feeling exhausted, both mentally and physically. By the time I reached my room, I was drained, every step feeling like it took more effort than it should.
I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, taking a deep breath to steady myself. The room was quiet, the only sound the faint crackle of the fire in the hearth. It was a comforting noise, one that usually made me feel safe, but tonight, it only reminded me of how alone I was with my thoughts.
I crossed the room to the bed, my movements slow and deliberate, as if I was afraid that if I moved too quickly, I might shatter into a million pieces. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I buried my face in my hands, trying to sort through the confusion that was swirling inside me.
What was I feeling? Anger? Frustration? Confusion? They were all there, mingling together in a way that made it impossible to tell where one emotion ended and another began. And beneath it all, there was something else, something deeper that I didn't want to acknowledge.
I was scared.
Scared of what that kiss might mean. Scared of what I might feel for Ciara if I let myself explore those feelings.
I had always been so sure of myself, so confident in who I was and what I wanted, but now… now everything felt uncertain. The ground beneath my feet wasn't as solid as I had thought, and it left me feeling off-balance, like I was teetering on the edge of something I couldn't see.
I laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as if it might hold the answers I was looking for. The room was dimly lit, the flickering fire casting long shadows that danced across the walls, but it did nothing to chase away the darkness that was settling in my mind.
I thought about Ciara, about the way she had looked at me on the balcony, her eyes filled with something I couldn't quite name.
There had been an intensity there, a raw emotion that I had never seen in her before, and it had scared me as much as it had excited me. What did it mean? Did she feel the same way I did? Or was this all just a game to her, another conquest to add to her list?
But then I remembered the way her hands had trembled ever so slightly when she had reached for me, the way her breath had hitched when our lips met. That wasn't the reaction of someone who was playing games, was it?
And what about me? What did I want?
I closed my eyes, trying to push away the confusion, the doubt, but it clung to me, refusing to let go. I had always prided myself on being strong, on knowing who I was, but now I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, staring into the abyss, and I didn't know if I was ready to jump.
But maybe… maybe I didn't have to decide anything tonight. Maybe it was okay to just let myself feel, to let myself be confused and scared and uncertain. Maybe it was okay to not have all the answers right now.
With a sigh, I pulled the covers over me, curling up on my side as I tried to find some semblance of peace in the chaos of my mind. I was exhausted, my body heavy with the weight of everything that had happened, but sleep didn't come easily. I tossed and turned, the events of the night playing over and over in my head, refusing to let me rest.
Eventually, though, the exhaustion won out. My thoughts began to blur, the confusion fading into the background as my body gave in to the need for sleep. My last thought before I drifted off was of Ciara, of the way her lips had felt against mine, and I wondered if things would ever be the same between us again.
But that was a problem for tomorrow. Tonight, I just needed to sleep, to let my mind rest and hope that, when I woke up, things might make a little more sense.
As I finally drifted off, the tension in my body slowly unwound, and for the first time since stepping back into the castle, I felt a small measure of peace. It wasn't much, but it was enough to carry me into sleep, where the confusion and doubt couldn't reach me. At least not for a few hours.