Nathaniel's arms were wrapped around me, warm and steady, but it felt like an anchor dragging me down to a place I didn't want to be.
I tried to breathe, to calm the storm raging inside me, but my chest felt tight, my thoughts like a whirlwind that refused to settle. The courtyard was cold, the wind biting at my skin, and yet his embrace felt… safe, even if I didn't want it to be.
"Aeliana," he whispered, his voice soft against my ear. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything. Just breathe."
I forced myself to take a breath, shaky and uneven. Nathaniel's presence was grounding, his hand gently rubbing circles on my back, and for a brief moment, I let myself lean into him, needing the comfort, needing something solid to hold onto.
But even as I did, I couldn't shake the image of Ciara from my mind her face, her eyes meeting mine right after Cassandra's lips had touched hers.
"I… I don't know what I'm feeling," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper, the words catching in my throat like jagged stones. "Everything feels so… wrong."
Nathaniel pulled back slightly, just enough to look at me, his expression soft and understanding. "It's okay to feel like that," he said, his gaze steady and comforting. "You've been through a lot. You just need some time to process it all."
I nodded, even though I wasn't sure if time would help. My chest was still tight, my thoughts a tangled mess of confusion and hurt. I wanted to forget what I had seen, to erase the image from my mind, but it clung to me like a shadow I couldn't escape.
"I thought… I thought I was okay with everything," I confessed, my voice trembling. "But seeing them like that… I don't know. It just hurt. It hurt so much."
Nathaniel's face softened even more, a look of sympathy crossing his features. "It's natural to feel hurt, Aeliana. You care about her, even if you don't want to admit it."
I blinked, surprised by his bluntness. "Care?" I echoed, almost scoffing. "I don't even know what I feel."
But that was a lie, wasn't it? I knew. Deep down, I knew. And that scared me more than anything. Nathaniel seemed to sense my hesitation, his hand moving to gently cup my cheek, his thumb brushing away a stray tear that I hadn't even realized had fallen.
"It's okay to be confused," he murmured. "Feelings aren't always clear or easy. They're messy and complicated… and sometimes, they hurt."
I nodded again, trying to take in his words, trying to find some comfort in them. And yet, no matter how kind he was, no matter how gentle his touch, my thoughts kept drifting back to Ciara.
The way her eyes had widened when she saw me, the flicker of something panic, regret, I wasn't sure in her gaze. I kept replaying it over and over, trying to make sense of it, trying to understand why it affected me so much.
"Why is she like that?" I found myself asking, more to myself than to Nathaniel. "Why does she have to make everything so… confusing?"
Nathaniel sighed softly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Ciara is… complicated," he said. "She doesn't always know what she wants. And sometimes, she hurts the people she cares about because she's scared."
"Scared of what?" I asked, frowning.
"Of losing control," he replied. "Of showing weakness. Ciara has always been like that. She hides behind her strength, her power… but deep down, she's just as lost as anyone else."
His words made sense, and yet they didn't bring me the comfort I hoped for. I knew Ciara was complicated, that she was hiding things behind that tough exterior, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. It didn't make the pain go away.
Nathaniel seemed to sense my inner turmoil, his hand dropping from my cheek to take my hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Look, Aeliana, I know this is hard for you," he said, his voice earnest. "But whatever happens, you don't have to go through it alone. I'm here for you, okay?"
I nodded, appreciating his words, the sincerity in his eyes. "Thank you, Nathaniel," I whispered, meaning it. "I… I do appreciate it. I really do."
But even as I said the words, a part of me felt guilty. I was grateful for his kindness, for his support, but it didn't change the fact that my heart was somewhere else.
That no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about Ciara, couldn't stop wondering what she was feeling, what she was thinking after everything that had happened.
Nathaniel gave me a reassuring smile, pulling me into another hug, and I let him, closing my eyes and trying to find some peace in his embrace.
But all I could see behind my closed eyelids was Ciara's face, her eyes meeting mine in that split second before I ran. I wondered if she was thinking about me now, if she regretted what happened, or if she even cared at all.
I sighed, my breath hitching slightly, and Nathaniel pulled back, concern flickering in his gaze. "You're going to be okay, Aeliana," he said softly. "You're stronger than you think."
"I hope so," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper.
The courtyard was quiet now, the sounds of the palace fading into the background as the wind picked up, rustling through the trees.
I shivered slightly, and Nathaniel immediately shrugged off his coat, draping it over my shoulders. I looked up at him, surprised by the gesture, and he smiled, his expression gentle.
"Can't have you catching a cold now, can we?" he teased, trying to lighten the mood.
I forced a small smile, appreciating his attempt. "No, I suppose not," I said, pulling the coat tighter around me.
For a moment, we just stood there, the silence stretching between us, comfortable yet filled with unspoken words. I could feel his eyes on me, watching, waiting, but I didn't know what to say.
I didn't know how to bridge the gap between us, how to make him understand what I was feeling when I barely understood it myself.
"I'm here for you," he repeated softly, and I nodded, grateful for his presence, even if it wasn't the one I truly wanted.
But as much as I tried to focus on Nathaniel, to appreciate his kindness and the comfort he offered, my thoughts kept drifting back to Ciara.
I wondered where she was now, what she was thinking. Did she care that I had seen her with Cassandra? Did it matter to her at all?
I sighed again, feeling a mix of frustration and longing that I couldn't quite name. I knew I shouldn't care so much, that I should let it go, but my heart wouldn't listen. It kept pulling me back, kept making me wonder and worry.
Nathaniel squeezed my hand again, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on my skin, and I forced myself to focus on him, to push thoughts of Ciara away. For now, at least, I needed to be present, needed to find some peace in this moment, even if it was fleeting.
"I'll be okay," I whispered, more to myself than to him, trying to believe it.
And Nathaniel nodded, his smile soft and reassuring, but I could see the doubt in his eyes, the worry that mirrored my own.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, trying to find some semblance of calm in the storm that raged inside me. But even as I did, I knew that this was far from over. The real battle was just beginning, and I wasn't sure I was ready for it.