"were is it? shit!"

All I can think about right now is the pack of cigarettes in my pocket. I can now feel the urge to light up one creeping around in my empty stomach. The need for that sweet but brief head rush that follows the heart inhale of all those toxic, disgusting chemicals inside your system.

I remembered when I was invited to a drug free seminar three years ago. The spokesman told us that cigarettes contain rodent poison. I remembered the disgust that rippled through my body when the spokesman mentioned it. I couldn't imagine why someone would like to endanger his life by inhaling those harmful chemicals ignorantly. If only my eighteen year old self could see me now. It's the same reason why often than not, I'm completely wasted on the weekends. It's also the same reason why I'm more than happy to take drugs from the hands of anyone offering it to me. To feel something. Anything at all at this point.

I glanced at my watch and mentally calculating how many minutes were left before the bell rings, signalling the end of lunch. six minutes, it's risky, but I couldn't make it. The problem is that whenever I leave school to smoke I don't want to come back. I don't want to attend English class and listen to the woes of Romeo and Juliet, they were idiots I thought.

"Joey?Did you hear me?" I heard Gabriella's sickeningly sweet voice asking me, snapping me back to reality. I liked at the table that I was sitting at. The same table I sat at everyday, with the same table I sat at with every blessed day with the same people.

I was just thinking blankly in space, lost in thought just feeling gloomy, bored and tired, Since my stay at this never have I ever had a friend apart from Gabby. Gabby and I have been friends since we were eleven years old, we meet through a incident, long story short, we were inseparable, she was the one and only person I confide in and I do appreciate her for that .

it's always the same routine in school. Gabby was always attached to her dear boyfriend,Johnathan, in some way or another. Ivy was never to far from Gabby, always ready to whisper her the latest gossip in her ears. Zack, James and Micheal always stay at one side so they could see the girls as the walked through the cafeteria. Luke and Sam day at the other end, doing whatever it is they do.

And then me ... stuck in the middle of it all

"Hmmm?"I hummed out, shaking my head trying to refocus my eyes. I need to stop doing that, completing floating into space or rather absent minded to the point my eyes were unfocused. Not here anyways. Not at school, where people watch every fucking move like I'm a zoo animal.

"I asked if you heard back from Jason. Girl, sometimes I don't even know where your head is at."Gabby laughed as she flicked her dark blonde hair over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, but with a smile on her face . Like that makes her not quite as bitchy as I'm sure she's secretly intending to be.

i jerks her gaze, blinking a couple of times. I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about.

"Joey, you are so clueless sometimes. it's a good thing you're pretty, I swear, or you would be sitting over there."Gabby jerked her thumb backwards, over her shoulders to a table of kids behind us,"with the losers."

"Here, give me your phone."Gabby continued as she released her arm from Jonathan's neck. She grabbed my phone from the table."You didn't even text him.?

"Why don't you text him?."I asked her. I didn't even know what we were texting him about. Jason was one of the boys on hockey team, he was nice enough. I guess, handsome though, so I liked to keep my distance.

"Yeah, Gabby, why don't you text him?."

James added from beside me, sending me sympathetic smile.

"Because he'll only do it for Joey. You know that.'Gabby muttered as her fingers effortlessly moved across my screen."There. He should text in 3,2..."

"He said yes. Thank God!."She squealed as she tossed my phone back at me. I quickly took a glanced over the text conversation between Me(which is definitely not me but Gabby) and Jason. Apparently we wanted to use his lake house for the weekend. Who knew?.

"So, James and I will get the booze. Gabby and Ivy, bring the food. Micheal, the weed, Luke, music."Zack instructed is all, before he leaned into me. His hand smaller across my shoulder, and he whispered so only I could hear it."You just bring your bikini, Joey."

Maybe I had a wet suit lying somewhere.

"Sam, you can take your dad's suburban, right?"Zack continued, not even pausing to register my school scowl at his request for me. I flicked my eyes up to Sam, and was slightly surprised to see her was already starting at me, his eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, we're good."Sam replied, his eyes staying on me for a moment before turning to Zack.

"Do you guys remember what happened the last time we went there?. Joey got drunk, that she stripped naked into the guy tub." Ivy giggled out, gently nudging me in the ribs. I vaguely noticed Micheal and Zack giving each other knowing glance , chuckling and fist bumping each other.

"I'm going for a smoke."I muttered to no one in particular, slowly standing from the uncomfortable plastic chair and grabbing my purse from beside me. I couldn't tell if I was more eager to have a cigarette, or to get away from being talked about like I wasn't sitting right in front of them.

I leaned against the cool brick wall in the corner I always smoked at. I hurriedly ripped a cigarette out of the package and brought it to my lips, lighting it with my small blue lighter. I couldn't help the small sigh that left my mouth at my first inhale. I hadn't had one since this morning. I instantly get some of my muscles in my neck relax, and I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

I used to smoke at the'smoker's corner'as the people at our school called it. It's always convenient and out of reach for the teachers it's always packed with kids, some smoking and others just hanging out . It was never quiet there, always some asshole ready to direct his crazy words at me. Usually it was variation of

"what's a pretty girl like you smoking for?"

So now, I had to always sneak away to the back of the school. We're technically not allowed to smoke here, but I really don't care.

My mind wandered to Sam's stare earlier. He was fairly new to our friends group, as he had moved to our town last year. I don't even know how he became friends with us. Well, not that we're really friends. I've barely spoken ten words to him. No offense I don't like to say much. I can't even remember the day that I met him. One day he was there, and the next thing he suddenly started sitting with us at lunch, like he had been there all along. He's a bit of an asshole, honestly but I can't say that his presence annoyed me completely to be honest.

I had even held my distant intrigue towards him, at one point. The way he had treated me was just so different than the way the others treated me. I had expected him to hit on me.i had expected him to hit on me at some point as the majority of the guys in school did. I know that sounds vain. It's just that I hold myself in high regard. it's just the gospel truth.

He didn't though. Actually, it was the opposite. He didn't try to talk to me, he didn't try to'inconspicuously'place his hands on me like it was an 'accident.' Sometimes I catch him staring at me, like I ran over his dog or something.

I was nice, refreshing even. He didn't give a shit about me. Not that most people did, but for some reason they pretended that they like me, like I'm their friend

I'm not sure if I have any real friends.