August 16, 2024
"Be stronger, Lame Egg," I say, grazing my palm upon my stomach.
"Lame Egg?" the gynaecologist asks, without looking back. "That's a unique nickname."
"Not a nickname. That is what I'll call it."
She just chuckles as if it were a joke. They couldn't understand. They didn't. None of them ever will. All of them are… too sensitive and simple.
I get my check-ups done, and go back to my apartment.
"Good morning," the watchman greets me with a soft smile.
I just throw a momentary smile which shakes away automatically.
"The lift will be down in a moment," he says, as I pass him by – to get to the stairs.
"Have a safe trip then."
I hold the railing and start getting up the stairs. Just the first few feel so tiring… but I reach the first floor, gasping and clutching my palm tightly at the joint of the railing.
"May I help you?" I hear a soft voice, while I'm gasping towards the ground… I look up to find a beautiful and soft smile upon a young lady's face. "I just moved into 503, that's why I'm a new face. Don't worry."
"I don't seem to have asked," I say in one sharp breath, and inhale tightly. "Neither who you are, nor your help."
"Ah," she says, and frown comes upon her face… making my heart sinks. "I'm sorry to bother," they were soft and sensitive.
"Well…" I say, with a frog up my throat. "I… you are neighbours with the 507 guy, right?"
"Ah, yes… you seem to know the rooms quite well."
I scoff. "I live just a floor above. Besides, we all should learn things, you know." I feel my hand upon my stomach, and raise my back. "He is nice, you can ask his help, or befriend him. You both give me the same child-like vibe," I say in a mumble at the last statement.
"Well, people are quite complicated, aren't they?" she whispers… I look at her, and she seems to be giving a grim look to the floor, but looks back at me with a smile. "And so it goes that I'll take your suggestion as always. Thank you."
Before I can ask her, she taps her feet to the ground and goes on her way. What a weird character. Surely 507 would suit her. Pair made in heaven.
I walk up, I keep going while grunting and biting down on my jaw. The door doesn't bother may anymore, and I reach inside with ease. As I close it behind me, my bottom hits the ground.
"Aagh…" I say with an open jaw, and frowned eyes. "Why," I say, wiping a finger at the floor to closely look at the blood staining it. "Why wasn't I strengthened? Why?" I barely clench a fist and rhythmically tap it upon my stomach, I barely had the energy. "You'll be stronger, Lame Egg. I promise to survive."
My dress stains with the blood, and I drag myself towards the hall. Lucky me that I was smarter than the usual others, so I just had to reach to the nearest room – the hall. I open the drawer to find medications scattered. But I push through, with a shivering hand, to find an injection.
"You wouldn't need this. I'll make sure. But mother is weak, Lame Egg."
I use my fist and lowering my pants I punch down my fist to my thigh. It hurts, but I feel a sudden surge in no time. My legs feel like twisting, and my stomach itches… but I only bite down on my jaw.
I wake up after a while… time was unknown, but I had no pain now. I had an ounce of the strength Lame Egg would. It'd be okay. We'd be okay. So I only tap my fingers upon my stomach. It wouldn't cry… but it needed love yet.
Besides… I had learnt to be patient, after mine months.
"It's only been five months, ma'am," the gynaecologist says on the phone. "The baby will take time to develop."
Even an EXPERT thought it had only been five months. Lame Egg… dear Lame Egg.
"But it never kicked. Not once."
"As I assured you earlier," she says, and pauses… I just shake my head. "Five months. Some take six. And some… if it doesn't happen in a month, we will be sure to do further tests."
I just cut the call, without greetings her goodbye.
I see the sun go lower than the window, and escape. But I sit as my stomach feels nauseating… yet I hold onto the headphones, while trying not to push myself away from it.
"It's soothing for the baby," I say out loud, relaxing my body. "It'll IRRITATE HIM TO FUCKING MOVE!"
I press the headphones my stomach, while breathing heavily. I look down to ensure they aren't broken… lucky me, they aren't.
"Sorry," I say, stroking my tummy. "I shouldn't have… you might even be a girl. But that's okay. I'm sorry to have assumed your gender."
Lower frequencies can be… deafening, and hard to handle. Or so I read. So then…
No matter.
I put the headphones away, with care. They were quite costly. And I go to the fridge, taking out a plate from the freezer. The meat was cold and odourless… so I take it to the table.
"Now we say our prayer," I say, while sitting, putting my hand to my stomach. "Thank you lord for the food-"
The phone starts ringing, making me pause and glare towards it. But I end up pushing myself to get up and look at it. When I recognise the caller, I quickly pick the call.
"Hello? Yes. I'm here," I say.
"Of course you are. Did I disturb you?"
"I was about to eat. But that's quite alright."
"Hmm. Human meat?"
"NO!" I squeak. "I told you… I couldn't get myself to eat him. The previous Gynaecologist."
"Didn't stop you from fucking his corpse."
"It… is the only way I could afford your services. The internet… is a nice place to earn. P-people demanded this stuff. I'm no whore."
"Beats me. I just wanted to let you know that your order is here."
"Oh? Could you send it up?"
"Shouldn't you be walking to strengthen your child? Or have you gone weak?"
"I… bled already today."
"Mm, did you take the shots?"
"I did. And I passed out. I feel better, but…"
"No matter. The milk has enough elephant blood for you to consume. If you are lucky, it might help. Or not. I won't question your crazy ways."
"That's quite alright. I think I saved the cow blood in the fridge."
"You really are crazy. Doing that in a country where-"
"-where are you from?"
I don't get an answer back. The silence fills in, before the call cuts. In a while, my doorbell rings. I give it a moment before I go to the door. There was no one, just a crate.
Elephant babies are so tiny when they are born. But then… they get massive. It takes time, but… it should be alright.
I take the box in and without thinking much, pour myself a glass of whatever is in the first of the two cartons. I don't try to smell it, instead I go away to put the two cartons into the fridge.
The things a mother has to do.
I sigh and look back at the table, while clenching my whole body. It wasn't hard to walk, but, the feeling of having to consume that… I tell myself that at least it wasn't as bad as the raw cow meat.
The glass feels cold in my hand… and weirdly heavy. It was hard enough to drag the box with the cartons, but holding this glass in itself… the composure is quite creamy and thick. I could feel it stick to the glass, as I try to pour it towards my mouth.
It hits my mouth, and I think of it as mayonnaise and just let it happen. It feels hard, but I swallow it, I was used to trying these weird things nowadays. It stinks a little, it feels worse than cough syrup, on the texture. But no matter, it was for my child.
I put some water to mix out the remaining sticky bits, and drink it up too.
Then I sit at the table, staring at the plate of meat. It was the scariest bit of my day. To just… survive here, mentally, while looking at that. It was… considered as God.
"Please bless my child," I say, cutting through the thick meat.
The fork pierced through the meat, it was surprisingly satisfying to watch it do that. But,y hand shivers yet, knowing how I'd feel as I bite through it. The having to continuously chew it, and minutes passing by as hours… it feels like I live another none months – as I finish the first piece.
"Now, that's wasn't as hard, was it, Lame Egg?" I ask, feeling proud of myself.
But I start running, right as my lips feel the texture of the second piece of meat. I burst out and vomit through my nose, on the way. But I put my hand to the warm liquid, and hold it back inside. Right as I reach the washroom, I let it out.
My mouth tastes of blood, and something very bitter and sour. My nose forms bubbles while it stings, as if I were drowning in mercury. The hands feel yucky, with the tiny clumps sticking onto them.
The hard part wasn't to puke, and still feel like I have to go more. It wasn't hard to clean up either. It is hard to walk back to the table… and stare at the meat again.
"I don't wanna," I say, inching the plate away. "No more. I'm done."
I put my hand to my tummy, hoping Lame Egg would push me to eat – just one kick. But I feel nothing but my warm tears running down my face. It suffocates me. It shames me. It makes my nose forms different kind of bubbles around them.
Weak.
Sensitive.
Lame.
I bite through the meat, even then. But my stomach hurts. My body temperature rises, as if the tears just spiked it up. I feel feverish. More weakness.
From the corner of my eye, I see something move. As if something is looking towards me. Stalking me. I jump and catch it, as it tries to fly. Then I smash the cockroach onto the meat.
"Roaches… they… they reduce fever. I need to make a paste."
I squeeze it as if to spice the meat with the cockroach's insides. Then I put my face to the plate, while sticking my tongue out… and lick the top face of the meat, like some dog. I get few scraps of meat while biting.
When I wake up, I find a plate empty of meat, right below me. But the foul smell of my own dried vomit – upsets me.
*
September 13, 2024
*
"I'm sorry, I think I misheard you," I say to the gynaecologist.
"Toxoplasmosis. It is a powerful parasite. Can cause complications to the baby. If we don't remove it alongside the baby, you-"
"-alongside the baby?"
She frowns. "I'm afraid the case is severe."
"But my baby," I say, putting my hand to my stomach. "It has grown. So much."
Her smile seems to break, her lips quiver to speak, as she looks down. "It… has."
I feel nauseous with my bloated stomach. But I was used to it, in the past ten days. It was… fine. But people's eyes on it… seemed… more indigestible to me.
"Is it too big?"
"No!" the gynaecologist snaps. "No, ma'am… it… is quite common. A bit much than I have witnessed. But it… is ok. Your baby…"
"I'll take my leave then."
"Ma'am, please."
I get up, she does too. But she only desperately looks at me, explaining…
"If not removed, it is dangerous to both of you."
But before I know, I'm climbing my stairs again.
"Ugh!" I whimper, before sitting down on the stairs. "One more."
I squeeze my eyes, and open them. I couldn't just… stop.
But, my eyes look towards the floor which was just a few steps ahead. The fifth floor, with those… I hadn't seen the guy in a while. The guy from 507.
That was none of my business.
I get up, and keep going. I reach my kitchen and grab a knife.
"I'm so tired," I gasp, pushing the knife down to my hand – cutting the apple. "What does she think of herself? Thinking she could just… ask me to kill you."
I rub down my belly, while taking yet another bite. The fresh smell of the apple, makes me forget the raw texture of the meat. And the gross milk.
"Be stronger Lame Egg. We both need to be stronger. It's okay that my tummy hurts… just a little more," I say, and grab an injection. "Your leg is sticking out… why don't you just," I reach in, ignoring the pain at my cervix. "You'll have more strength elsewhere. I promise to not let your legs go to waste… I'll consume them. It'll be nutrition for you."
"Just follow as I say," the guy on the phone says. "My name is Z. And I'll help you."
"I'm listening."
"Use the other half of the apple to stretch your hole. Enough to cut the leg."
"Will the baby be okay?"
The pause… makes me feel my bloated chest. I feel as if… it is stretching out more.
"H-hello?" I desperately ask.
"Why do you think I asked you not to let the parasite go?"
"O-oh."
"Now. Be quick. I have an important matter to attend to."
"I could… have used some help. From you."
"We cannot afford meeting like that," he quickly responds. "Besides… I need to help a few people to travel the world."
"A-a cruise?"
He scoffs. "Enough small talk. Let's… begin. While the apple goes in. Let the knife burn on medium heat, on the stove."
"Okay."
"Just be strong now… it'll be worth it."
"Yes."
"If you are on the verge to die. We will burn your apartment."
"I understand."
"Good. Let's start with the anaesthesia. But know that just because you won't feel pain… you bleed more, you still die."
"Yes. A fraction of power Lame Egg will have."
"Correct."
My ears take the command, and my hands move. My eyes just watch. It was like stitching… but not before tearing everything up. I see red threads… blood. Oozing out in… such a comforting way. The painlessness… it made me want to lose my mind. But I watch.
"You need to pull the legs down and cut the knees. But before careful not to throw the baby out."
I didn't know how I could feel around to find the knee. But my brain creates an illusion of hearing bones slice and crack… it was like when I had to bit the raw meat. But… I felt satisfaction with the sound my brain let me consume.
"With the pull, take one out. Then we can get to the other."
What a small fraction of power… but I wish at least Lame Egg could know sleep. I hadn't slept for a few days. The bloating… was bothering. But I was staying strong.
Before I know it, I find two legs sitting on a white plate. As I sit on a pile of my own dried blood. I was still conscious… but my eyes blink. In a little plead to sleep.
"I'm sorry," I say, as dry tears roll down… which makes my cheek twitch. "You never kicked… I just… wanted to feel your legs. And… I will."
I swing my head forward, and reach towards the plate.
"Damn roaches," I say, as a roach walks on the plate. It walks towards me, and I lazily watch it. It was… a big one. Bigger than… hmm, I hadn't quite seen such a big one. And it comes closer, only to disappear in between my legs. "Pervert."
I grab the leg, and swing it to my mouth.
*
October 22, 2024
*
My sweat stinks. My room stinks… everything stinks. But I feel like I'm in heaven. My bloating stomach at least… hadn't quite increased. But…
"Lame Egg… it's time for you to come out," I say, holding a knife to my stomach. "Its been so long. Please."
"Heuk," I hear, and I quickly toss my knife to it.
The roach flips and struggles as the knife stops it from getting up. But it moves towards a certain direction, even then. Pushing the knife alongside it.
"What the fuck is that?"
"Don't seem disgusted by it," I hear a voice, and look at a person in the path of where the huge cockroach was going. "It only was saving the child."
"Saving? I know how to take care of my child."
"I thought so too, once."
Her form… doesn't make sense. She was brown. And golden. Her hands and legs… had many… pointy… Unhygienic hair all over, with reasonable gaps… long hair, no some hair like structure. Her eyes… like that of a fly. And those… wires from her head, and a cord from her mouth.
"You don't seem to be scared as the others," she says.
She bends down to me, and I see her waist extend and elongate from tubular… structure of a waist she has. And a kind of… thorn of a tail, fallen to the floor – dragging a kind of goo.
"You aren't as bad as the things I've seen."
"The things you did were worse."
"And you are here to kill me?"
"If it means I'd save that child… then yes."
I shake my head, as it feels like it'd both implode and explode consecutively. "Lame Egg is fine."
"Or so you lie to yourself. But don't you-"
"-SHUT UP!" I cry, and she inches back just a bit. "It wants to come out. That is all. AND I AM JUST HELPING IT. AND YOU."
"What have you done?" she asks, looking disgusted.
"I feel it. He can't kick, but his hands…" I say, looking down at my bloated stomach – as stretches of a fist from within… I even feel it on my insides. "Oh my god… he will tear me."
I feel a scratch, oh so light, and my legs shake in fear. But I hold my whimpers, my cries… I kill them within. It was tougher than what is have done… but the butterfly only flies when it breaks out of the cocoon by itself.
"Lame Egg, you aren't hurting mommy. It's alright."
I feel teeth gnawing at me… from my insides… the claws were lower. But they both attempt to tear, in a poor way. In a frustrating and painful way.
"Please… Lame Egg… it's ok… just… please."
"What have you become?"
I look up, at her pitiful eyes… now she feels more human. "Only… a mother."
I try to concentrate with tears, at her figure. But my eyes feel like they have burst, as my belly tears apart. I quickly crawl backwards, towards the wall.
"I thought this'd be my kid… I chose wrong. Again. I will be on my way then. This child doesn't seem…"
I open my eyes, I still had them… my mouth salivates, and my nose runs. I don't see the lady… but only a baby in between a pile of my intestines. My Lame Egg.
Only if I wasn't on my meds… I'd already be dead.
"Lame Egg," I call out.
It pauses from eating what is on the floor, and looks back. It's eyes… were dissimilar to either me or my husband's. They find its mother and move towards me… crawling in my way, using its not-so tiny hands.
"I… I'm your mother."
But the desperateness in its hands… wasn't to hug its mother… but hunger. And I stroke its head, while humming.
"You have a big tummy, you eat so well, Lame Egg. Good girl."
Perhaps I misgendered again. And so it pounces at my face, and gets my throat in a whiff.