"Who is 'K' grandma?" I ask while looking at the passport picture. The man looks handsome and his appearance was good. Why would we have a picture of a stranger in the house? He looks really familiar.
"He's your father"
she answered with no interest at all. She clench her hands while folding the clothes as if she's remembering a bitter memory. "How about you go play with the neighbor darling?" She told me and I nod obediently. Brenn is two years older than me, he's my neighbor and we've been together since birth. He was like a brother to me who I cherish deeply but that day something changed.
I draw for him on the A3 size white board. A cherry, a bolt and a nut. All the things he asked me to specifically draw which was a weird combination to be honest.
"Alright Cathiey, now listen to me... I'm going to explain just once" he whisper quietly as we played in the front yard of my house. He explained to the 4 year old me about how boys have a bolt and girls have a nut. To complete each other the bolt must be screwed into the nut. It was a confusing concept as a 4 year old so he teaches me practically which I refuse and he resort to kissing which also little me find uncomfortable.
"But Cathiey, I'll marry you one day" oh the dream of having my very own prince charming. To have a glorious wedding was the dream of mine. We will have a grand wedding like Cinderella's. We don't have to play pretend anymore because everything will be real one day.
Days after days of promises and stolen kisses. A new person was brought to our playdate, a girl younger than me.
"She'll be my second wife in the future"
My little heart breaks but I don't fight with him because I'm afraid he'll not want to play with me anymore. The three of us play together as husband and wives until one unfortunate day...
He was walking out from the empty house with the other girl by his side. Little me confronted him, and cry as why did he leave me out;
"Well, you didn't do what I said"
I cried and promised I'll do better. What else can a 4 year old think of than friends. Just like that I was out casted by the boy who promised to marry me if I give him a kiss.
***
Several years later I understood what had I been through, it wasn't sweet affection at all. I didn't tell my mom or my grandma because I was scared to death. I told a friend older than me by a few years;
"You might be pregnant" those words hurt me deeply. But it didn't dawn on me that it was over 4 years ago, how can someone be pregnant by an action performed 4 years ago? What worse was I've never even reached that far. How could she told that to me? I was so insecure and afraid of hospital check ups.
The girl from before was also just like me, a victim of lust and desire. Everyday I blame myself because I was supposed to protect her too from the devil wearing a human mask. But what more could a 4 year old do?