Abstract
Elizabeth I, the Queen of England renowned for her wisdom and strong will, was also famous for her snow-white complexion. Little known is the incredible secret behind her stunning visage: a "notorious" royal cream. This cream granted its users a snowy-white skin while bringing with it a dreadful stench. This article reveals the secrets behind the royal cream through the analysis of historical documents and related legends.
Introduction
As Dr. Nadal Coelho argues in his authoritative treatise, humanity has been obsessed with achieving good looks since the dawn of written records. Evidence of bizarre cosmetic concoctions has been found in Neanderthal cave sites, and the earliest facial beautification formulas were discovered on pottery from the Cernavoda cheese culture. During the reign of Elizabeth I, a "notorious" royal cream became popular. Although historical documents provide scant descriptions of this cream, folklore portrays it as a miraculous beauty secret that granted its users snowy-white skin but came with an unbearable stench. This bestowed the royal family with extraordinarily beautiful complexions while making the entire kingdom endure the odor in silence.
In his book "Court Creatures and Royal Scents," Professor Wilton Green George briefly mentions the ingredients and the infamous nature of this cream, but many mysteries remain. This article attempts to trace the history of this cream, examining its miraculous effects and intriguing odor within the context of the social and cultural background of the time.
The Unsolvable Mysteries
First, there's the issue of its name. Professor Green George never specifies its proper name in his book, referring to it instead with vague pronouns like "that stuff" or "this thing." In widely circulated pamphlets of the time, the cream was given various nicknames such as Flawless Fragrant Paste, Overwhelming Beauty Oil, and Her Highness's Perfumed Lotion. The recipe for this cream is subject to much speculation. Folklore suggests it was made from bizarre ingredients like the scent of dwarves, the body odor of giants, the eye secretions of ugly ducklings, and ambergris from whales. Miss Halls, who once worked in the cream-making workshop, revealed in her memoirs that the main ingredients included tropical coconut from Pacific islands and crystals from inland salt lakes.
So where did the dreadful stench come from? Some scholars speculate that the cream's ingredients likely included lead white and sulfur, along with other herbs and minerals with pungent odors. These components, when mixed, produced a stench akin to rotting herring. Elina Cooperman, in her acclaimed work "Tudor Court Attire," points out that the court of Elizabeth I was fascinated with insects, amphibians, and various bizarre creatures, leading to the popularity of face creams and whitening lotions made from toads, bats, geckos, and shrimps. For significant balls, courtiers would enthusiastically apply these mixtures and attend social gatherings. As for the efficacy, anyone with a basic understanding of Western culture would conclude that the concoction's purpose was not cosmetic but to amuse friends by adding an eerie twist to noble gatherings.
Given these inconsistent and contradictory clues, the true nature of the cream remains a mystery.
Astonishing Discovery
Recently, the diary of Tarnow Stubbs, a second-level royal attendant during Elizabeth I's reign, was discovered in an underground crypt in West London, shedding light on the truth behind the cream. Stubbs recorded his observations of the cream-making workshop in the royal court. According to his notes, the primary ingredient of this cream was the foul-smelling mud prevalent in London and its suburbs—sewage and filthy sludge mixed with animal and human waste, dirty laundry, and decaying garbage.
Why was this filthy sludge turned into a miraculous beauty cream? The answer lies in the harsh reality of the time, marked by pervasive sewage and rampant garbage.
Let's turn back the clock to 1587. In the sweltering late summer of that year, a young lady who had just endured childbirth contracted a peculiar illness rampant among the upper class. Doctors of the time were mostly quacks. They either mocked the fever as Hermes' trick or attributed it to the restlessness of vivacious young ladies. This unreasonable treatment deeply hurt the poor lady.
From then on, she remained confined to her room, accompanied only by her most trusted maid. Her complexion grew sallow, her eyes darkened, and even her flowing golden hair lost its luster. Despite this, her faith in Jehovah remained steadfast in her despair.
In this hopeless countdown to death, fate showed mercy and opened a new window for her. One day, a hunchbacked old man visited and left her a gold jar filled with cream. Miraculously, within weeks, the lady's radiant beauty returned as if the sun had pierced through the clouds.
This mysterious cream helped her overcome the ordeal. Her devotion grew stronger, and the flame of her life, once nearly extinguished, burned brightly again. However, her good fortune didn't last long. The golden jar soon caught the greedy eye of her young husband. One drunken night, he forcefully took the cream from her. The inevitable result followed: the poor lady soon passed away.
The husband, consumed by greed, met a grim end. After obtaining the miraculous cream, the golden jar began to change, losing its golden hue and turning into a lifeless gray. The once pleasant fragrance turned into a nauseating odor.
Nevertheless, this incorrigible man, before dying in despair, entrusted the jar to a distant relative, Lady Deborah Vanwood, a wealthy countess. She endured the stench and used the cream for months, achieving a glowing complexion. At a court banquet, she caught the attention of Elizabeth I. The miraculous cream was brought to the court, and Elizabeth I personally tried it, finding its beautifying effect astonishing despite the unbearable stench.
Elizabeth I ordered the royal apothecary to examine the cream. After overnight research, the apothecary revealed the main ingredients: various kinds of filthy sewage and sludge. Although this discovery was nauseating, these substances, when processed in a specific way, had miraculous effects.
The Secrets of Cream Production
The Royal Cream Workshop is a sunless place, hidden in a secret basement of Buckingham Palace. According to Stupes' records, the air there is filled with a pungent smell so intense that even rats shy away. The craftsmen wear heavy leather aprons and specially made gas masks daily to prevent fainting from prolonged exposure to the stench.
The production process of the cream is fraught with peril. The craftsmen need to extract the purest sludge from mud pools in the outskirts of London. This sludge must have fermented over the summer because only then can it yield the most beautifying ingredients. It is said that some special "catalysts" need to be added during this fermentation process, such as aged Swedish herring and mandrake petals rotting under the moonlight. These catalysts are believed to enhance the beauty effects of the cream and are also the source of the unbearable stench.
Once enough sludge is extracted, it is placed in large copper pots and boiled with coconut oil imported from Pacific islands and crystals from inland salt lakes. This process must be done at night because only under moonlight can the "mystical powers" activate the "beautifying aura" in the coconut oil and salt lake crystals. Stupes detailed this process in his diary, especially noting that the craftsmen chant ancient spells during the boiling to ensure the cream's "magical efficacy."
The Terrible Side Effects
Although this cream can instantly transform the user into a stunning beauty, its side effects are equally astonishing. As mentioned earlier, this cream emits an indescribable stench that penetrates walls and heavy curtains, permeating the entire palace. Even after multiple washes, a residual smell lingers. Legend has it that whenever Queen Elizabeth I used this cream, all servants in Buckingham Palace had to cover their noses and mouths with spice-soaked cloths, and many maids resigned due to the unbearable stench.
More seriously, long-term use of this cream leads to some adverse physical reactions. According to Stupes' records, Elizabeth I indeed displayed incredible beauty initially, but over time, her skin developed irregular spots, and her hair became dry and brittle. Worse still, her temperament became exceptionally irritable, which is said to be one reason for her frequent outbursts of anger in her later years.
Some historians believe that the side effects of this cream extend beyond personal health issues. The stench of this cream was so overpowering that it is considered one of the culprits behind the Great Stink of London. As we know, the Great Stink of 1858 caused residents near the Thames to flee, and before this, waste from the Royal Cream Workshop was a major pollutant of the Thames. Though this remains an unverified rumor, it certainly provokes thought.
Conclusion
Throughout human history, the pursuit of beauty seems endless, especially for seemingly perfect things. But as the old saying goes, "All that glitters is not gold." Elizabeth I's infamous cream, with its peculiar recipe and astonishing effects, is truly remarkable. As we have seen, the secret ingredients of this cream are not rare treasures but sludge from the streets of London.
Despite this article revealing some truths about Elizabeth I's notorious cream through various historical documents and research, many mysteries remain. Ultimately, and most importantly, what was the real intention behind this cream? Was it to grant the user beauty, or to control their health and sanity?