I think I have a crush on Zane. I know, it seems sudden, but hear me out. We're in the eighth month, and it's starting to get a bit chilly in the forest. I've heard it snows here, and it usually starts around the middle of the eighth month. I'm excited about the snow. I want to see if it looks like the snow on Earth or if it's different. All of this fascinates me.
I think it's been about two weeks since the incident, and I can now go fishing and hunting with Zane again, though not as often as before. Now, to the important part. Before, when I went to take a shower, I didn't mind taking off my shirt in front of Zane. But now, I feel a bit self-conscious. Could it be because I have a crush on him?
Before, the little physical contacts between us didn't bother me at all. But now, every time we have any physical contact, my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. What do you think? And when Zane gets too close, I blush all the way to my neck. It must be because of the crush.
Before, love didn't really interest me. At least, I didn't pay much attention to it. Growing up, I didn't see much love in my family, so I thought it might not be all that special. But being here has changed my perspective on love. Here, I've seen genuine care and affection. Love here feels warm, supportive, and real. It's in the way Isabella fusses over us, the way the villagers look out for each other.
I never thought I could be attracted to a man, but it doesn't bother me much. Am I bisexual or gay? It's a question that has crossed my mind, but I haven't really dwelled on it. It doesn't really matter. If I love Zane, I love Zane. All I hope is that he hasn't noticed my change in behavior towards him.
Today is just another day. After taking a bath and eating dinner, we were ready to go to bed. When I entered the bedroom after my bath, I saw Zane sitting on the floor by the window, looking up at the stars. I was about to head straight to bed when he called out to me and asked me to sit next to him. My heart skipped a beat. Did I do something to give myself away? Has he noticed my change in attitude? Questions raced through my mind, but I went and sat beside him.
My hair was still slightly wet and loose, as I prefer to sleep with it down. Zane told me to look at the sky, and it was magnificent. The sky here is definitely different from the one on Earth. Or maybe I never had the chance to appreciate it back there, living in what felt like a prison. The stars here shine so brightly, they light up the entire village. The moon sits high in the sky, watching over the stars.
As I admired the view, I noticed from the corner of my eye that Zane was watching me. His gaze was curious but not hostile. And then he asked, "Are you really a man, Evan?"
"Are you really a man, Evan?"
The question hit me like a punch in the face, like the ones I took during my boxing lessons. I didn't know how to describe the feeling it gave me. Zane noticed my discomfort and quickly tried to correct himself.
"I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I asked that question..." He started to stammer, clearly nervous. His nervous expression calmed me down a bit.
I said softly, "It's okay, you can continue."
He took a deep breath and continued, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to ask that question like that, but I didn't know how to start the conversation. Even among the elves, who are known for their extraordinary beauty, I've never seen a man as beautiful as you. At least, not among the elves I've encountered when we've gone to the Kingdom of Lumina. You could easily be mistaken for an elf because of how beautiful you are. Your hair, your eyes, your skin... sometimes, it makes me think you're a girl. And sometimes, I find myself blushing when I look at you. I don't really know what to think, or who to talk to about this. My mother would just tease me and tell me to be a man. My sisters and friends would call me a sissy. I didn't have anyone else I could talk to about this. I really didn't want to make you uncomfortable. That was far from my intention."
I looked at him and saw the honesty in his eyes, which calmed me down even more. "It's okay," I said. "In fact, I'm glad you came to talk to me about this. It makes me feel closer to you."
I took a deep breath and started to speak. "So, from where I come from, my appearance, the way I am, people call it androgynous beauty. That is to say that I don't look like a boy or a girl. I look like both. And because my parents were really beautiful people, their beauty influenced my androgynous appearance, which made me even more beautiful. It's not like I'm boasting or anything, but that didn't please my family because they didn't like my appearance. They didn't like the way I am. They criticized me all the time, they laughed at me, they didn't like me because I was too feminine, they wanted me to be more masculine. I tried to do it, but it was hard. It was hard to be alone, to have no one to count on, to be completely alone in the world.
Because of all this, my father forced me to take courses that I didn't want to take. He forced me to learn how to fight. I didn't like that because the boys I was with would touch me indecently. They would look at me, insult me, and I felt their eyes on me all the time. My father wanted me to study what he wanted. He wanted to control me, to make me more masculine. I did my best to fight against all that. It was tiring. I was fed up. But every day, I did my best to stay as strong as possible.
One day, a piece of news destroyed everything I had built. All the efforts I made to keep a calm attitude and not slip under the weight of all this pressure fell apart. When I heard that news, I felt that my world had collapsed. The world that I had built around me to escape this hell crumbled. Speaking of this, I felt tears forming in my eyes. But I held back and continued to speak.
It was at that moment, after hearing the news, that I lost consciousness. When I opened my eyes, I found myself in this forest. I told myself that it was for the best. I panicked at first, but I convinced myself that it was for the best. My family didn't need me. I was sure they would be happy that I had disappeared. Then I met you. And I came to the village. I met your family, who considered me as part of their family. And now that you are my family, it makes me happy. I don't know if you realize how much being part of your family is a blessing, a source of joy, of happiness. And in this village, it's a source of happiness. I feel free. I feel human. I feel alive. No one judged me. No one ever asked me if I was a man or a woman. I feel free. I feel alive. And it doesn't matter if I'm not where I was. Because where I was, it was literally hell to live in. I feel that I have my place here. I love this place.
All this to tell you that the question you asked me, even if you didn't want to hurt me, it only brought back bad memories."
After saying that, I felt tears running down my cheeks. I cried there in silence. Zane took me in his arms. I felt love. His big arms were so muscular and warm, so comforting. I felt so good in his arms. I started crying even more. Zane stroked my head gently. I felt loved.
"Evan, it's over. I'm sorry. I didn't know you went through all this. You look so fragile, but you've endured so much. I grew up in a loving family, so I don't know what it's like to have lived in a family like yours," he said softly.
He hugged me tightly before releasing me and holding my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. "Know that you have your place here. If you came here, it's for a reason. Maybe our encounter was the main reason you came here. You're already a member of our family. So make yourself comfortable. Do as you please. But I'm sorry for asking you that question. I didn't want you to feel all this. It must have been hard for you. Good job, Evan. You did well resisting and not giving up."
Those words, the ones I had longed to hear, triggered something deep inside me. I started to cry hot tears in Zane's arms. He stayed there in silence, comforting me until I stopped crying. After I stopped, he wiped my tears with his hands and smiled.
Then, he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "You look like a baby with your eyes all swollen from crying," he said with a gentle smile.
I was a little out of my mind because of the kiss, and I started to blush. Zane smiled and told me that I was cute. That made me blush even more, and Zane laughed harder. Because he was laughing, I started to laugh too. We stayed like that for a while, in silence, until we both went to bed.