Saudade: A nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved then lost. "The love that remains."
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"...So what now?.."
"...I...dont know..."
---------------------------------------------------
"..."
After washing her face, she looked at her reflection. She looked tired like she haven't slept in a week and the bags under her eyes seemed to agree with that as well. She took a long sigh and went downstairs to make herself some coffee. It was the only thing that kept her going for the last few years. She never seemed to get tired of it though.
While she was waiting for the coffee machine to finish its job, her gaze trailed across the kitchen. Since it was still early in the morning, 4.38 am to be exact, the kitchen was quiet. She knew everybody was sleeping so she didn't really mind it. She had to admit, it was peaceful.
When the coffee machine was done she took her mug and went to the balcony. Avery wasn't the type to daydream but something about the weather of early morning made her feel a bit nostalgic. It being spring time and trees being covered in flowers really gave some life to the seemingly deserted backyard. A cool and welcoming breeze embraced her which she closed her eyes to. A little smile appeared on her face and she raised her head taking a deep breath. Everything was giving a feeling of warmth, even the vast endless sky.
She opened her eyes taking in the view of the clouds. After taking a few sips of her coffee, she leaned on the railings, continuing to look around. She tried to focus on the flowers, the sound of the sweet breeze, the birds chirping but everytime the same thought kept coming back. The thought of the nightmare that she was having since that day... She gave a troubled sigh and took another sip from her coffee. The nightmare didn't seem to be leaving her anytime soon.
She was lost in her own mind so much so that she didn't hear the footsteps of someone approaching her until the person was right next to her and leaned their back on the railings.
"Morning."
"Hm? Oh." She looked next to her and saw Luna.
"Morning." Luna pointed at her mug, noticing the fresh brewed coffee in Avery's hand.
"Smells good." Avery shook her head.
"Do you want some?" She offered her mug to Luna which she took without giving a second thought and drinking a few sips handing it back to Avery. "Peaceful, right?"
"Yeah." Avery agreed also taking a few sips herself.
"Something on your mind?" She didn't know if she wanted to answer Luna's question honestly or not. When Luna noticed her silence and smirked. "Seems like I'm gonna have to call Cassie." With that playful threat Avery immediately responded.
"Don't you dare." Luna could notice Avery's body shivering dramatically. "It always makes me feel weird when she reads my mind"
Luna chuckled to her reaction."Same, I guess we'll never get used to her ability."
"Yeah..." Avery agreed. Luna then took the mug from her hands and downed it in one go. She handed it back to Avery when she gave her the raised eyebrow. "You didn't wake up this early just to steal my coffee, right?" Luna sighed
"I've been awake all night actually. Couldn't sleep because of the headaches." Avery looked at her curiously.
"Another vision?" Luna nodded and continued.
"This one was different than the others though. I don't know how to explain it. Instead of seeing an event, I saw a place. A really old place, maybe even abandoned. I don't know." She tried to recall more but her mind only got more fuzzy. She frowned.
Avery patted her arm and looked at the clock before turning back to her. "Why don't you go get some rest? There's still time for us to leave, I'll wake you up when it's time to go. Don't forget to take your meds." Luna smiled.
"Don't worry i won't, though i doubt I'll need them." She then pointed to the mug in Avery's hands. "A few sips of caffeine was enough." Avery smiled back.
"A few sips? You just chugged down my delicately made coffee in one go."
"Should've thought about that before giving it to me."
"Will do next time. Now bed." Luna rolled her eyes playfully.
"Ok, mom." Then gave Avery a quick hug before leaving.
Avery turned back to the backyard again, with the empty mug in her hands she sighed and made her way to the little sitting area in the balcony, leaving her mug on the table while taking a seat.
After a few minutes of silence yet another set of footsteps could be heard getting closer. It was Cassidy and after seeing Avery, she smiled sitting next to her. "Hey."
"Hi Cassie." Cassidy then pointed inside with her eyes.
"I just saw Luna. She looked... I don't know, out of it?" Avery nodded.
"Yeah. She saw another vision. She said that it was different than the other ones but didn't know how to explain it."
"Oh? What did she see?"
"An old building that may or may not be abandoned. That was it."
"Maybe about the mission they're gonna sign us today?"
"Probably." They both stayed silent for a few minutes until Cassidy broke it.
"So what about you?" Avery looked confused.
"Me?"
"Yeah, you."
"What about me?"
"That's what I'm asking, don't play dumb with me."
"I'm fine. Everything's okay." Cassidy looked skeptical
"Your aura says otherwise."
"Can you stop that?"
"Stop what?"
"Using your ability."
"I don't know, can I?"
"Cassie." Avery said in a serious tone. "Stop it."
"Ok ok, chill." Said Cassidy in defeat. Avery leaned back closing her eyes but with the image that came before her, she shut them open in the same moment. That nightmare was starting to get really annoying at this point.
Cassidy started to examine her which Avery noticed and stared at her back not amused. "What is it?"
"Are you thinking about... them?.." She was stunned with this direct question. Cassidy was being forward.
"Wha- I told you to not use your ability"
"I wasn't, it's because you're doing the thing with your necklace."
"Hm?" It was until then that Avery realised she was playing with her necklace. So it really did became an habit after all. She sighed in defeat leaving her necklace alone and staring away. Cassidy noticed her try to avoid the conversation. She always did the same thing whenever the topic was about them. Cassidy knew that Avery was keeping some things to herself with her own reasons. But if anything, she felt sad for her because of this. It wasn't pity but more of a concern. She gave a troubled sigh.
"Look I'm not forcing you to tell me everything that's on your mind. But you can at least stop lying about you're feelings."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that if you're not okay say that you're not okay and then we can move on. You don't have to explain it. You know we are a team right? So we wont keep secrets from each other that we have to keep from others. If one of us is not feeling good, all of will share their pain. If one of us wants to talk, all of us are going to listen. I know it sounds weird to use the word "family" since none of us ever had one but we have each other. Maybe its not enough to be a proper family but it is good enough for me. Remember, we dont have anyone but us. Don't push the only people you have away Avery." When she finished, Avery started to think on her words.
She was right about everything she said. Even if it was forced, they all had to grew up together and went through similar fates. They have been on each others side since they can remember. They went through the same hell together and they all made it out alive together. If she wasnt going to talk to them then who else did she have? If anyone was even close to understand her situation it would be them. But she's never been good with words when it came to feelings so she didn't know how she could even start. But she knew she had to start from somewhere.So she decided to talk about at least some things with her so she could get it off of her chest.
"Sorry Cassie, even though it's been years sometimes I just can't seem to find the courage to speak my mind about this stuff..." Cassidy smiled.
"Don't be sorry. Like I said, don't tell me if you don't want to. Just don't deny what you're feeling."
"Yeah well... I'm feeling a lot of things. I dont even know where i would begin." She took a deep breath and started explaining.
" I'm feeling sad yes, but that sadness first turns into longing then to anger. I just... I know its been 8 years since then but I still can't shake the feeling of guilt off of me. Yes we did manage to escape from that hell we had to endure for our whole lives but I still can't feel free. Like a part of me is still attached to that shithole. Ever since the night of our flee, the only thing I'm able to think is her. After everything my brother did... I can't let it be for nothing. I have to find her. To make sure that her fate is different from his..." After taking a deep breath she continues. "I'm greatful for this organization for taking us in, training us, giving us a place to stay and food to eat but I feel like they started to forget our agreement. It's been 8 fucking years and they still didn't manage to find a single clue? That's bullshit!"
When she realised she was losing her temper she stopped to calm herself down. Seeing her distressed like this made Cassidy upset so she reached for Avery's arm to comfort her. And while Avery was gaining her composure back Cassidy started talking.
"I know it's hard to believe but even if they found some clues it would make sense for them to not reveal it to us yet. They know what you're capable of and the lengths you would go for her. But even if you don't wanna admit, the second you learn about her whereabouts you will act out of your emotions. So they might not want to risk it. Also you said it yourself, it's been 8 years Avery. She might be changed after all these years and you may not be ready to face it." Avery gave a sarcastic laugh.
"I'm ready to witness whatever the fuck change she had. I. Don't. Fucking. Care." Her voice was firm. Cassidy looked concerned.
"She may not even remember you."
"Then I will remind her." This conversation was starting to make Avery annoyed. "Believe me whatever she is going through right now can't be any worse than what we have been through."
"You don't know that." Cassidy argued.
"Neither do you." Even if she hated to admit it, Cassidy was probably right. Her sister was only a kid when she was taken from her anyway. She gave a troubled sigh and continued. "I know you're not trying to make me feel bad but like I said before. Nothing is gonna change the fact that I'm bringing her back home. I promised myself Cassie, I already lost one... I'm not losing another. I won't... I can't... Not again..." When tears start to build up Cassidy embraced her and she doesn't refuse. She lets Cassidy wrap her arms around her. It's always comforting when she hugs. So she just gives into the warmth of the hug holding her cries inside.
Cassidy started talking in a reassuring tone. "I never said I wouldn't help. Hell, none of us would be here if we didn't see her as our sister as well. We will find her and we will bring her home. All of us...Together..."
With these words of encouragement Avery smiles feeling a lot better. "Im glad you guys are here with me..." She mumbles to herself. They sit there in quiet, watching the clouds while Cassie runs her finger through Avery's hair.