The New Monster Hunter Is A Pervert

As the dawn kissed the rooftops of our quaint little village, I woke to find yet another note from my dear old dad. It read something along the lines of: "Off to live with Matilda, the saucy wench from the tavern. Don't wait up. Dad."

Well, bugger me sideways with a crooked nail. Not only did he abandon his trusty carpentry bench for a lady of the night, but he also left me with the empty remnants of a half-decent porridge and a hell of a mess to clean up. Cheers, old man.

Now, let's rewind a bit to when my dear old mum passed on when I was a wee sprog of five. Bless her soul, she was the only one who could hammer some sense into Dad's thick skull. Since then, it's been me, Darren, amateur carpenter by day, and wannabe ladies' man by night.

I inherited Dad's charm (or so I'd like to believe), which, according to Aunt Hilda, consists of a winning grin and a knack for stepping in horseshit when a lady's around. So, naturally, when the sun rises, Darren's off to woo every skirt in the village, one charming quip at a time.

But today was different. Today, as I swept up Dad's mess with more gusto than a knight on his first quest, I couldn't shake the feeling that my charm might just be the only thing keeping this bloody cottage together.

And that, my dear reader, is how I found myself contemplating life, love, and the merits of a sturdy plank, all before breakfast.

But there is something... Quillgrad! The very name conjured images of fair maidens with eyes like sapphires and hair spun from golden threads. Mum used to weave tales of its beauty while she darned socks by the hearth. "Darren," she'd say with a twinkle in her eye, "one day you'll journey to Quillgrad, where the women are as enchanting as the sunrise over the moors."

Well, today was the day I finally packed my tools—carpentry ones, mind you, not just my charm—and set out for that fabled kingdom. If Quillgrad was half as magnificent as Mum described, I was certain my skills with a hammer would come in handy, one way or another.

I rummaged through the clutter Dad left behind, tossing in a spare tunic or two, a whetstone for the tools, and a handful of copper coins that jingled with promise. Who knew? Maybe my knack for fixing wonky chairs and wooing widows would lead me to fame and fortune in Quillgrad.

With a skip in my step and visions of grandeur in my head, I slung my pack over my shoulder and set off down the dusty path, leaving behind the cottage that had sheltered me through countless misadventures. Today, Darren the carpenter's apprentice was off to conquer Quillgrad—hammer, charm, and all.

As luck would have it, or perhaps fate finally taking pity on my sorry existence, I managed to hitch a ride with old Gundric, a trader with a face like a weathered saddlebag and a beard that could give a badger a run for its money. Gundric was heading straight for Quillgrad with a cartload of wares—knick-knacks, trinkets, and possibly a sack of suspiciously fragrant herbs that he claimed were for medicinal purposes only.

I clambered into the back of his horse-drawn cart, careful not to knock over the precariously balanced stack of clay pots that clattered ominously with every bump in the road. "Morning, Gundric!" I greeted cheerfully, settling myself on a bale of hay that seemed to have more prickles than straw.

Gundric grunted in response, his attention focused more on the reins than on me. "Name's Darren," I introduced myself, attempting to make conversation. "On my way to Quillgrad, hoping to find a bit of adventure, you know?"

He grunted again, which I took as a sign of encouragement. "Say, Gundric," I continued, undeterred by his monosyllabic replies, "ever been to Quillgrad? They say the women there are as lovely as a summer's eve."

He spared me a brief glance, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Aye, been there a time or two," he muttered gruffly. "Keep your wits about you, lad. Quillgrad's got more than pretty faces to offer."

I nodded sagely, though secretly I was already planning my introduction to the fair maidens of Quillgrad—a charming smile, a well-timed compliment, and perhaps a freshly polished plank or two to showcase my carpentry skills.

And so, with Gundric at the reins and me in the back, we rumbled down the winding road towards Quillgrad, where my grand adventure awaited—or so I hoped. Little did I know, this journey would be more full of surprises than a chest of enchanted treasures.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Gundric and I arrived at a quaint tavern along the roadside, its timbers creaking with the weight of centuries and the promise of a hearty meal. We entered, and I eyed the menu, my purse strings tighter than a miser's grip on a gold coin. A simple stew would suffice, I decided, my stomach rumbling in agreement.

With bowls of steaming stew before us, Gundric and I sat at a rickety table, the warmth of the tavern fire chasing away the chill of the night. As I savored each spoonful, I couldn't help but notice a figure in the corner—a woman whose beauty seemed to defy the flickering candlelight.

Summoning my courage, I approached her, my heart racing with anticipation. "Evening, milady," I greeted with what I hoped was a winning smile. "Mind if I join you for a moment?"

To my surprise, as I settled into the chair beside her, the woman's visage melted away like a wax candle left too close to the hearth. In her place sat an old man with a gnarled cane and a wry grin etched across his weathered face.

"So, only you saw my magical appearance," he chuckled, his voice like gravel in a millstone. "You know why? Because you're a pervert."

I blinked in disbelief, caught between laughter and embarrassment. "I... uh... what?"

The old man shook his head, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Don't worry, lad. I've been pulling that trick on unsuspecting young lads like yourself for years. Keeps me entertained between sips of ale."

I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. "Well played, sir," I conceded, raising my bowl of stew in a mock salute. "Consider me thoroughly entertained."

After our hearty meal and the unexpected encounter with the shape-shifting trickster, Gundric and I found ourselves nursing tankards of ale by the crackling fire. The old man had regaled me with tales of his travels, each story more fantastical than the last, until he finally reached into his tattered cloak and withdrew a small wooden bowl.

"Behold, lad," he proclaimed with a theatrical flourish. "This here bowl is no ordinary vessel. It's a guide, a compass to steer you true on your journey—especially with the fairer sex."

I raised an eyebrow, my curiosity piqued despite myself. "A guide, you say? How's that?"

The old man leaned in conspiratorially, his eyes gleaming with a hint of mischief. "Ah, young Darren," he whispered, "this bowl holds the secrets to charm and allure. With its guidance, you'll find yourself navigating the treacherous waters of romance with ease."

I eyed the bowl skeptically, but the allure of mastering the art of wooing was too tempting to resist. "And how much for this miraculous guide?" I asked cautiously.

"Only fifty coins," he replied, his voice low and urgent. "A small price to pay for a lifetime of romantic success."

Fifty coins was no small sum, but the thought of impressing the maidens of Quillgrad with newfound finesse was too enticing to ignore. I reached into my purse with a resigned sigh, counting out the coins and handing them over to the old man.

He grinned toothlessly, handing me the bowl with a flourish. "May it serve you well, lad. Remember, charm is not just in the bowl, but in the heart that wields it."

With the bowl tucked safely into my pack and Gundric eyeing me with a mix of bemusement and amusement, I resolved to make the most of this unexpected purchase.

As Gundric's cart disappeared into the distance, I stood at the gates of Quillgrad, staring up at the towering walls that promised adventure and possibly a few skirts to chase. The city sprawled before me, its spires reaching for the heavens like a maiden's fingers beckoning me closer.

With a determined stride and the magical bowl tucked securely in my pack, I ventured forth into the bustling streets. My first order of business? Find a place to rest my weary bones that wouldn't leave me penniless faster than a wench in a brothel.

But alas, Quillgrad was not known for its hospitality to the coin-challenged. Every innkeeper I encountered eyed me like I was a rat scurrying into their larder, their prices as steep as a mountain pass in winter.

"Sorry, lad," one stout innkeeper grumbled, his belly straining against his apron. "Rooms are for paying customers, not strapping young lads with naught but a grin and a wooden bowl."

Undeterred and with more determination than a stallion in spring, I continued my search. The nobles and wealthy folk lived snug as bugs within the city walls, leaving us peasants to fend for ourselves in the hinterlands—just like a game of musical chairs where the rich had all the cushions.

Hours passed like snails in a footrace as I trudged from street to street, my spirits sinking lower than a well in a drought. Just when I thought all hope was lost, a sign caught my eye—a ramshackle building nestled against the city's edge, its roof listing like a drunkard after a night of ale.

"Ah, beggars can't be choosers," I muttered to myself, pushing open the creaking door and stepping inside. The innkeeper, a wizened old crone with a face like a prune, eyed me suspiciously from behind the bar.

"Got any rooms for a weary traveller?" I asked hopefully, flashing her my most winning smile.

She snorted derisively, her voice as rough as sandpaper. "Aye, but it'll cost ya, lad. And no funny business."

I chuckled nervously, my mind racing with thoughts of where to lay my head for the night—and possibly where to find a decent meal that wouldn't leave me with more regrets than a badger at a porcupine party.

Finally, I ventured into the outskirts of Quillgrad, where the city's polished veneer gave way to ramshackle hovels and overgrown paths. Amongst the dilapidation, I stumbled upon an abandoned hovel, its thatched roof sagging and its walls adorned with cobwebs like a shroud of neglect.

Undeterred by the sorry state of affairs, I rolled up my sleeves—figuratively, of course, because sleeves don't actually roll in these times—and set to work. Dust flew like a banshee in a fit of rage as I swept and scrubbed, banishing the cobwebs and coaxing life back into the creaking wooden floorboards.

By the time dusk settled over the horizon like a velvet cloak, I had transformed the hovel from a den of despair into a humble abode fit for a... well, fit for me, really. I collapsed onto a makeshift bed of straw and blankets, my muscles aching with the satisfaction of a day's honest toil.

But as the night wore on and the moon peeked through the cracks in the roof, my thoughts turned to the mysterious bowl nestled in my pack. With a furrowed brow and more curiosity than a cat in a yarn factory, I withdrew the wooden vessel and examined it in the pale moonlight.

"How do you work, you mystical contraption?" I muttered, turning it over in my hands like a child with a new toy. For all its purported wisdom, the bowl remained as inscrutable as a riddle spoken in riddles. Frustration gnawed at my resolve until, on a whim, I poured a splash of water into its depths.

To my amazement—or perhaps dismay—the bowl began to glow with a soft, pulsating purple light, casting eerie shadows on the hovel's walls. Letters materialized before my eyes as if drawn by an invisible hand: "How can I help you?"

A shiver ran down my spine, part excitement, part trepidation. My mind raced with possibilities—wealth, fame, the secrets of wooing women—but in the end, practicality won out. "What should I do next?" I asked aloud, my voice echoing in the quiet hovel.

The answer appeared almost instantly, letters forming in the glowing purple mist: "Visit the Forest tomorrow morning."