Judd KiddI wake up feeling a familiar feeling, smelling familiar smells and looking at a familiar ceiling. I know I'm at a hospital. I'm very familiar with hospitals.Even my mother/ manager sitting by my bedside is expected.What is not expected is the way she looks. She looks like a housewife who has just found out that her husband is cheating on her with a woman who he's always insisted is 'just a friend' from work.My mother is a woman who prides herself on being camera ready twenty four seven. Her worst fear is to ever be caught looking anything less than perfect.(It has something to do with wanting to show my father that she's still living her best single life- since they finalized their divorce- twelve years ago) .
That's not what I'm seeing right now. For one she's not wearing any makeup, jewelry or even sharp designer suits. Her dark hair is tied back in a loose ponytail and she's wearing a cardigan and loose cotton pants.
Cardigans and a mournful expression are not things I associate with my mother.
The shock of it all comes when she bursts into tears after she sees I'm awake.I mean, she's not so cold hearted that she can't shed tears, but we've been on this rodeo several times. The first time I was rushed to the emergency room because of an overdose she cried herself senseless but this is like the fourth time- she usually just yells at me now."Judd! oh my God! You are finally awake!" She rushes to my side, ready to engulf me in a big hug but catches herself at the last moment when she sees the huge tube connected to the oxygen mask. She instead presses on the help button beside my bed.Two nurses appear in my room so fast its like they were waiting on stand by."Hello Mr Judd, how are you feeling?" One nurse asks, smiling at me like we are long time lovers or she wants us to be future lovers."Tired." I grumble after she takes the mask off ,"when can I leave?""Soon Mr Judd Just rest for a little while. You've been through a rough week dear, take it easy and relax." She turns to my mother,"a doctor will be here talk to you."The other nurse moves around my bed fluffing my pillow and making sure that I'm receiving the maximum comfort in the small hospital bed."Would you like some water or something to eat Mr Judd?" This nurse is not smiling at me like she wants us to have sex, she's smiling like she's pitying me."No ,I'd like you to leave me alone." I tell them irritability.After ascertaining that I'm comfortable and everything I might need is within easy reach, they leave. Very reluctantly-because, let's be honest everyone wants to be around a superstar (even a rude one laying in a hospital bed wearing a white hospital gown).My mind is still stuck on what nurse 'please defile' said. I've been at the hospital for a week. That's a long time. My previous stays have only lasted two to three days.I try to remember what was happening that led to this overdose.Memories start flooding my mind. Cas and I hopping from one club to the next, loudly singing 'press press press Cardi don't need more press. Ding dong!' (we sang that part out loudly coz' we both agree she's the ultimate hot summer girl) in his neon green lamborghini and then..SHIT! Casper on my driveway vomiting, me trying to get to my front door..I turn to my mom.."Is Casper okay?"A second before I asked that, she was staring at me but now her eyes look everywhere but at me, "when I found you, you were barely breathing and Casper-"she bursts into more tears."Mom, its okay, I'm fine..where is Casper. Is he here at the hospital?""The nurse said you should rest,we'll talk after you rest." she edges closer and sits next to me on the bed."I don't want to rest. Why don't you answer my fucking question! Is Casper okay?" Instead of answering, she picks my hand and starts caressing it with a level of tenderness I have not received from her since I was ten."Casper he's-" She stops. "Judd...I don't know...Casper is gone Judd." My mother says at once like she wants to be rid of that statement."Gone? gone where?" At some point I think I know what she's saying but it can't be. It's not what I'm thinking."He's dead goddammit!"She shouts, then flings herself at me, hugging me tightly then laying her head on my chest. "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..I kept calling your phone to ask how the photoshoots went but all I was getting was your voicemail and I did not think something was wrong because you ignore my calls all the time and then I called Tom, your security guy and he told me you'd given him the night off because you were staying indoors and then the following morning I came to your house and..that's.... that's when I found you and Casper passed out on your drive way..I called the ambulance but there was nothing they could do for him. He was..he was..dead..."She sobs-no-wails into my chest.I feel like I've been submerged in ice. My whole body has gone cold and numb. I feel like a whole ship has been dropped on my head. My chest hurts and I realize I need to breath before I pass out.I'm not thinking yet at the same time I'm thinking that this is not real. Casper is not dead. Casper is not dead. This is just one of those fucked up thoughts that I get when I'm high because there is no way my best friend is dead.Casper is not fucking dead.I'm very aware that with the kind of life we live,most of the time we are dancing on the edge of life. Sometimes we might lean over, on the verge of tipping over, but we never tip over. We always bounce back.Casper is-was- not supposed to tip over. Between the two of us, I've always looked like the likely candidate to fall over the edge, but not Casper.Casper makes an effort to commit to treatment facilities - I don't. Casper is always talking about getting his life straight- I've never felt the urge to live any differently."He's dead? he's been dead for a week?" I ask after I find my voice."Yes baby..right now you two are the trending topics on the internet. It's been one hell of a week."I don't want to hear about internet or trending. I just want someone to tell me this is just some bad joke. I want Casper to come in my room and say 'Fuck, man!You are back!' Like he always says everytime I wake up after an overdose."Can you just leave me alone. I need to be alone right now." I tell her in a husky voice."Judd..I'm so sorry. I know he was your friend.and I don't know what to do or what to say but I can't leave you alone. I thought I had lost you..I want to stay here and assure myself that you're okay."she begs.I agree that there is nothing for her to say so we just stay silent. I let her cling to me because I know I don't make it easy for her. Both as a son and a client.The doctor finally comes. He says that I'll be released from the hospital in two days, he talks to my mother about rehabilitation programs and my mother assures him that I'll check into one after I'm released from the hospital. What she doesn't say is that I've been to seven already and even if I check into another one, we both already know how that will go. I'll check in, think about trying to commit, get bored, check out, and fall into the waiting arms of my crazy girlfriend and also my supplier, Mina Sanchez.★★★★★★★"Judd! You can't just keep on ignoring what I have to say."Oh God! When does she leave?By she I mean my mother and by leave I mean when does she get the fuck out of my house and go get busy with managerial shit or something.For two days now since my release from the hospital, my mother has been stuck on me like stink to a skunk. She's been following me around my own house trying to talk to me about rehab programs.or makings better life choices and how she can't bear to see me throwing my life away.I just want her to leave me alone so I can mourn Casper the only way I know; by finishing this bottle of BELAIR that I'm holding right now.
I slump on the couch "what do you want me to say? That I'll go to rehab? Because I already told you I'm not wasting my time like that again.""So what do you want to do?! You have to do something because I can't bear to see you in hospital again Judd! Look at you,two days from the hospital and you've already started drinking!"I take a big swing, "I'd say it's a big improvement from what I usually do, plus I'm mourning. Just leave me alone."She stand up and starts pacing in front of me. I can see she's snapped out of her housewife funk and now she's in full manager mode. "So you just expect me to sit back and watch my only child throw his life away?! I can't do that Judd!" Oh, point of correction, she's in mother mode."What did you think would happen when you pushed me into this industry at the age of ten mother? Did you think I was going to remain that sweet innocent boy who drew stick figures and stuck them on the fridge?"She halts mid pace and glares at me ."Are you saying that this is my fault?!"I shrug.She inhales deeply. "What are you saying Judd?""The only reason you pushed me to become famous was so that you could show dad that if he could manage famous people, so could you."Her chest heaves up and down "This has nothing to do with your father! I only pushed you because I wanted the best for you!"I swing the bottle wildly. "Ain't I living the best freaking life then? Look at this house. You're the manager tell me how much it cost. Five million? Seven million? Stop with the lectures and tell me what's on my schedule.""A dead career!"She gasps and her eyes cloud with guilt. I feel that guilt stab me hard in the chest."What the fuck are you talking about?""I'm talking about how no one wants to be associated with you. All the brands have pulled out. Your performance at Coachella has been canceled .The media has brought back all that drama from last week and calling you all sorts of name for slapping your girlfriend. Adding that to what happened last week, its safe to say that you are Hollywood's most hated celebrity.""I didn't slap her. I almost slapped her." I point the now half empty bottle at her. "Big difference there and you know Mina, she's into that kind of thing. And also she's not my girlfriend. The media is just twisting that story. Why hasn't that publicist guy cleared that up?"My mother heaves a long suffering sigh and sits down, "to the public you and Mina are an exclusive couple . The public says you assaulted her and Mina is milking that scandal for all it's worth. She's in every media platform gaining everyone's sympathy by playing the assaulted girlfriend. Do you know what I had to do in order to get her not to press charges? I had to track two drug dealers that I know she owes money and threaten to personally drive them to her house if she pressed charges on you."Mina Sanchez. That bitch!Mina Sanchez is a gorgeous child star with money issues, mommy issues, sex issues, esteem issues, drug issues and craziness issues- she has a lot of each issue.I'm one of the few celebrities in Hollywood who is not bothered enough by her craziness to be seen in public with her. Our public dramas and scandals keep a lot of paparazzi and tabloids people well fed and clothed. Mina and I have been labelled as Hollywood's most toxic couple. That's why Ryan Seacrest keeps on calling my mother.We are reality TV gold.Although to the public we might look like an exclusive couple, we are not exclusive to each other( we don't do well with commitments and staying in the same space for long periods of time). She just provides me with all kinds of illegal life threatening drugs and mind blowing sex and I provide her the with fame and popularity she so craves.I don't even remember why I was about to slap her but I'm sure it was something to do with her always comparing my bedroom skills to Hugo Norton's- one of the guy from The Jackhammers that she's also sleeping with. She does that a lot. Comparing the two of us I mean and she always makes sure that I know that my skills are very lacking.Maybe I should have slapped her.★★★★★Not my best chapter but, I wrote it while trying to cure a headache so🤷🏾🤷🏾🤷🏾🤷🏾