"What is it like…" I asked as we sat down in a small tavern apart from the inn.
After seeing Shao, I stopped what I was going to do and then waited for a bit. It wasn't like I was extremely confident in leaving and taking on five knights. It was just that I felt like I had no other option. Since she was there during my moment of weakness, I'd at least talk to her before going.
"To kill?" she asked and then leaned back. "Scary. Painful. Unnerving. It makes you feel horrible like you want to die yourself."
"Really?"
She chuckled. "You're surprised? Did you think I would say it was pleasurable? That it turns me on?"
"No… it's just…"
"I came from a world just like Master. I held those same values that determined public order. I fought because I needed to. I killed to survive. There was no other reason. In the beginning, I was told that anyone I killed would be brought back to life. It was only later that I noticed some of the ones I killed did not return to their cells. It took me a while to realize it was how popular they were that determined if they were resurrected or not."
"Those bastards…"
She shrugged. "In some ways, I appreciate it."
"Appreciate it?"
"I'm not sure I would have killed the first if I had known. By the time I learned the truth, I was already familiar with death, and my soul had already been tainted with countless murders. It was only after all of that when murder became my close friend. Killing is easy, but you should know that."
"What do you mean?"
"You destroy curses, right? You fight monsters. It's scary. It's painful. However, in many ways, it's easy. You send your girls forward, they kill all the monsters, you heal them up, and then you collect money, honor, and glory."
I frowned. "When you say it that way, it makes me sound like a bastard."
She grimaced. "I only meant that killing has the same appeal. If you have a problem with someone else, you kill them. It's quick. It's simple. It resolves everything clean."
When she said it that way, it actually did feel correct. If you had the strength, a socially awkward person like me could more easily get out of a situation by killing rather than by talking. Maybe that was why serial killers were often the socially awkward types. If you can't express yourself properly, whether it be from anger or lust, then killing was a possible result. Isn't war just a failure of communication at a country-wide level?
In this world where killing isn't just encouraged but expected, that became even truer. Fighting monsters was an everyday occurrence in some places. You had to kill to eat, to protect the ones you love, and so-on. The fact that monsters could pop out of thin air and people could be resurrected only reinforced the idea that killing was the natural order of things.
Then, when it came to killing for real, for killing someone you knew wouldn't be resurrected, it became easier. I could understand the power-hungry slippery slope that those Knights had likely experienced. I was starting to understand why they thought they could get away with raping a woman and murdering her. Why they could so callously send a sword into my back.
When I encountered the Bandits who only operated on the surface, I told myself that they always knew the people they killed would be resurrected. In that way, I didn't find them as dangerous or threatening. However, how could they know? Losing everything might as well have been as bad as death to some of their victims. I had died once in this world, and I have lost everyone once in this world. From the view of someone who sees life as precious, I felt like I had a good understanding of that loss.
We had sat quietly in the room for a few minutes. I had been dwelling on her words for some time. At first, I had been the type to want to avoid killing at all costs. I was hardly a pacifist. I didn't mind hunting, and I'd kill monsters, even those that appeared human if they threatened me. Now, real living people had threatened the ones I cared about. I needed to make a decision.
"So, what have you decided?" Shao asked.
I raised my eyes to meet hers. "Let's go."
"You're taking the easy path then?" she asked.
"No…" I shook my head "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. That's why I know I have to do it."
Shao's eyes flashed in confusion. "What does that mean?"
"When killing becomes easy… that's when I know it's the wrong choice."
Shao blinked, but then a small smile started to form on her face, "Have my babies."
"I decline!"