When you decide to leave your country,your family, your friends, your safety, your comfort zone; you are filled with both hope and disappointment. You want to change everything in your life because you feel you are not in the right place, that you deserve more than what you already have. You believe your dreams will come true beyond the border. 

You leave everything behind, but there is something you don't realize, somethings within you will carry on. There is a root inside you that comes with you across the border. It might dry out, it might even become poisoned but it never dies.

Whether it grows into something angelic or demonic depends on you.

You are the sparrow flying across the border, but even then you might find that you don't truly belong to the new place.

Three fucking years! I'm still not in the place I always dreamed of being. I'm sick of everything! Sick of smiling at others and telling them "Everything's gonna be okay. I'm okay. I can handle this" Screw you Sarah! I'm sick of crying alone! Everything is getting worse and worse, and now you have to go back to your fucking country!

That's the demon! He's been hiding inside me, living there for these three years.

I close my eyes. I take a deep breath. I shut off my brain. I try to smile and remind myself: "not just these three years but in my whole life, I went through so much, and I survived. I will survive."

I have to go back to my country. It's okay. It's temporary. You'll return. you'll open a new chapter, and it's going to be better than before.

I shake my head side to side.

That's the angelic voice.

No

I can't do this either. I can't be so naive. Just shut up!

It is awful. Time feels like it's only the past and future. There is no present here. My feelings are stuck between sadness, regret, anxiety, and panic.

Sadness for missing my family, my friends, my memories, my happiness, my hope, myself! Sadness from breaking my heart over and over.

Regret for wasting time. Regret for not exposing my feelings. Regret for not doing anything for my dreams.

Anxiety and panic that everything will keep getting worse.

Despite all of this, I ask myself one question: Is it worth it?

And despite my feeling, my answer is always: Yes!

Close your eyes, Sarah. Go back to the past. Maybe you left the key there.

Go back to the time you first came here, the time you were energetic, motivated, and full of hope; or maybe you need to go back even further.

why are you here? why is it worth it?