Having Tatsuya in her house was something Kaho still wasn't used to. Maybe if they were both at Hanagawa High School or both at Muraniko they'd be in better sync with each other. But he still sat with the same discomfort and statuesque posture he had when he first met her parents last year. It was … weird.
Maybe they were going too slowly because of his job? Or maybe she was poking holes in their relationship because she couldn't stop thinking about Naseru. Naseru who could have utilised the cancelled evening practice and run home the second the last bell rung, but dithered, like he needed permission to go home. Naseru who, despite the fight with Ryota had managed to avoid raising a fist at anyone during practice, regardless of how much they riled him. Naseru, who she'd been desperate to kiss time and time again, who'd shared his umbrella with her, who'd walked her home in the rain so she didn't have to wait around for a lift. But Tatsuya was right there. Tatsuya. Her Tatsuya.
He shone for her like her own personal star. He dug into his backpack and produced a plastic bag, "You know how I promised you Tteokbokki? I bought the ingredients since we didn't go last time. I figured we could make it together."
Kaho grinned and beckoned him to the kitchen, turning on the radio as she went. She washed her hands under the faucet, sharing the tap with Tatsuya. They shared a glance and broke apart, sheepishly.
He turned away from her, "Who was that guy?"
"Just a classmate," Kaho shrugged, rummaging through the cabinets for a frying pan. She swore under her breath, wrenching it from behind one of Taiga's smoothie makers.
"He looks like a model," Tatsuya muttered, "If he hasn't been scouted, no doubt he will be soon."
Kaho shrugged, "It doesn't strike me as something he'd be into. He's more… athletic."
She turned away and grabbed another few utensils, the biggest knives, kept well away from Himiko, chopping boards and the kitchen scales, still sticky with mango juice. Kaho huffed and turned back to the sink. Tatsuya sniffled.
She yelped and dropped the scales in the sink. They both flinched at the sound.
"Tatsuya! What's the matter?" Kaho asked.
He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and looked up at her, "You're going to leave me for him!"
"For who? Matsuoka?"
He nodded, wiping his eyes again, "I need to get a spray tan."
"A spray tan? Tatsuya it's raining!"
"So?" he replied petulantly, "He's like really, really tan. And a new gym regimen. If he's an athlete he has to have abs."
"Everyone has abs, Tatsuya."
"Yeah," he said, petulantly, "But his are going to be visible."
Kaho sighed, "Tatsuya…"
She took his hand and squeezed it. He looked up at her, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. That secure and confident look from outside her house had dissolved into sniffles. Was his industry that cut-throat?
"Tatsuya. Your contract says you can't drastically alter your appearance," she said, "You're contractually obligated to look like you, not anyone else."
She kissed the tip of his nose. He swatted at the air and slumped against the kitchen counters. Kaho joined him on the kitchen floor. He leaned his head against her shoulder and she rested her head on his. They held hands for a while, their dinner prep abandoned.
"I wouldn't cheat on you," Kaho said, "I love you Tatsuya."
The tension in his body eased just a bit when she said that. He let out a long, slow breath, "You have no idea how much I needed to hear that."
Kaho lowered her eyes. He hadn't said it. Again. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and swallowed her demands for reciprocation. He didn't have the same love language. That's what all the convenience store magazines said, anyway.
"Have you been reading the comments on the internet again?" Kaho asked. Tatsuya nodded slowly.
"I'm old news. People want the next new thing and they don't care about telling me to leave the scene."
"Do you want to?"
Tatsuya shook his head. There was a distant look in his eyes, like his thoughts were somewhere else. He was tense. Hard. Cold. He didn't feel like he was hers anymore.
Kaho wriggled on the floor, "C'mon, let's make that Tteokbokki."
Tatsuya nodded, running a hand through his hair. They returned to the faucet and re-washed their hands.
They set about making their dinner preparations. All the while, the radio played popular music. Neither of them sang along. The house felt empty, the ghost of a relationship was haunting the halls. Like it had bled out and died on the doorstep. Kaho screwed her eyes closed as she chopped thin slithers of kelp for the sauce.
"Kaho?" Tatsuya asked, pouring oil into the frying pan.
"Yes?" she said.
"Are you sure you love me?"
Kaho's eyes widened. She let out a hiss and dropped her knife. She'd cut her finger slicing the kelp. A bead of blood bloomed on her skin and she lurched to the sink to wash it.
"Shit! You okay?"
Kaho hissed, swearing through gritted teeth as the cold water burned her wound. She sucked on her bleeding finger and screwed her eyes shut.
"Yeah," she said, "That really hurt."
"It would. I'm sorry I made you jump."
"Yeah? What was that about?" Kaho asked, "Asking you if I love you? I just told you I did."
"You don't kiss me, Kaho. Not properly."
"Eh?" Kaho said
"Never properly, Kaho. And then I see you walking under some stranger's umbrella, what am I supposed to think?"
Kaho bristled, "I don't know. Maybe that a relationship is more than you having your tongue in my mouth?"
"You're in a mood." Tatsuya said.
"I was fine five minutes ago before you said I didn't love you," Kaho shrugged, "I'm getting a band aid."
Tatsuya nodded, "Wait, Kaho. Kiss me?"
Kaho froze, her oak brown eyes bearing into Tatsuya's face. The scowl on her face was harsh, sharp. She let out a huff and raised an eyebrow, "You're going to ask for a kiss without buttering me up, first?"
Tatsuya sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I'm sorry. You're right."
Kaho headed up to her bedroom. She knew where the band aids were. They were behind the bathroom mirror, in a hidden cupboard. But she needed a minute.
She sat on her bed for seven and a half minutes, sucking on her cut finger and letting her thoughts stew. Thoughts of Tatsuya, and his career. It was like he was wilting. Before, when he first burst onto the scene he was so vibrant and buoyant, full of feeling, like an infinity pool. The start of their relationship, and his career was like floating on a rubber ring, floating above the criticism that drowned him now. Now, it was like he was treading water, and she felt like an anchor, instead of a life jacket. She should be helping him. But instead, she was upstairs, sulking because she wanted someone else to be pottering about her kitchen making Tteokbokki.
Something was wrong with her. Something had been messing with her head and deep down in her core, she knew she wouldn't care so much if her Future Self hadn't been so hellbent on it. She took her hair down and threw on a pair of leggings under her skirt. Maybe she'd join her mother in annoying Himiko with yoga while she was playing 'Mario' again.
She took a long, deep breath and headed across the hall into the bathroom. Rana was watching the raindrops trickle along the sliding glass door, tapping the glass to catch the rain. Kaho stepped over her cat and put a plaster on her finger. She looked longingly at her bedroom door, shook her head and descended the stairs.
The tteokbokki was ready by the time she came down. Usually a street food, Tatsuya had decanted most of it into a mixing bowl. Kaho gestured to the sofa for him to go and sit down, while she threw some ingredients aside to stew. Himiko was at a friend's house, and Taiga was still at work. They had what felt like all the time in the world.
Kaho flopped down on the sofa and reached for the remote, switching the TV on. A basketball game roared to life on screen. Kaho's breathing hitched.
"Taiga," she said, changing the channel, "What do you want to watch?"
Tatsuya reached into the mixing bowl and had a piece of tteokbokki. It crunched under his teeth. He shrugged at her question and reached for another piece, the oily sauce already coating his fingers.
Kaho changed the channel, a movie was due to start in a few minutes. After the news.
"A reminder of tonight's major headlines," the presenter, a beautiful, round-faced woman with big eyes and peachy lipstick said. She was wearing a white blouse and chunky acrylic jewellery, and her nails matched the exact navy blue of her necklace, and earrings. Three blue and white willow-patterned bangles sat on her wrist.
A gong-like clang sounded on screen as the presenter disappeared and in her place was drone-footage of a horrific scene. It looked like it was somewhere urban, and densely populated. Four cars had crashed into each other, smoking from under their hoods.
The news presenter's voice was clear over the muted video.
"Six people have died and eight are injured after a mass shooting in Tokyo where four cars blocked an intersection just south of Harajuku," she said, "Two people are believed to be tourists. The Tokyo Lionfish Gang have taken responsibility for the attack. A man has been arrested, under suspicion of murder. The identities of the other alleged perpetrators remain unknown."
Another gong-like clang sounded. A sour-faced, withered old man with wispy eyebrows and a saggy face, like it had collapsed on his skull looked out at a crowd of flashing cameras. He bowed to the onlookers, before proceeding to his car.
"After the International Energy Summit in Venice, the Energy Secretary, Matsumiki Goro has announced he still intends to scrap his predecessor's plan to build five new hydroelectric plants to boost green energy in Kyushu and Shikoku," the news presenter said.
Kaho swore and reached into the mixing bowl for some tteokbokki. Tatsuya put an arm around her shoulder.
"The Head of the Ministry of Health and Welfare, Suzuki Nanako and the CEO of the Yoshitani Company are in court today as the Public Enquiry about the death of Ono Yusuke begins. Ono died in 2022 in a Yoshitani factory making aluminium cans for ten hours a day at seventy-eight years old. His son, Ono Hiroshi has said his father 'couldn't afford to retire.'"
"Good," Tatsuya said between crunches, "That poor man should have spent his seventies in a comfy chair, drinking tea and playing shogi!"
"That poor family…" Kaho said quietly.
"And finally for tonight," the presenter said, "Tributes pour out for the Idol, Kamikura Tsubasa, who sadly passed away yesterday after a long battle with osteoporosis discovered at an advanced stage following her fall during the final leg of her tour at the Tokyo Dome in 2021."
"Osteoporosis my ass," Tatsuya spat, "She was anorexic."
"She was?" Kaho asked.
"Obviously, they were working her to the bone. The paparazzi were shaming her whenever she dared eat more than a spoonful of rice. Plain rice! Let alone candy. Do you remember that picture that went out of her eating hospital jelly, right after she was diagnosed with osteoporosis? They called her Kamikura Tubbyassa in the gossip magazines for weeks!"
Kaho lowered her head, "I didn't realise."
"No," Tatsuya said, taking her hand, "But this industry has teeth, Kaho. And it will devour you if you let it."
Kaho wrapped her arms around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. He kissed her forehead tenderly and her breathing hitched. She tipped her head upward and kissed him. His lips chased her. He pulled her closer, knocking over the crumbs of their tteobokki onto the hardwood floor.
He tried to pull her closer by the tie. The clip-on tie came off in his hands, and they giggled. Kaho straddled him, her knees on either side of his hips. He kissed her deeply, his eyes closing. Kaho closed her eyes too. He reached toward the buttons of her school shirt, breathing heavily. He undid the first one and Kaho tensed.
Kaho looked up at him through her lashes and didn't see Tatsuya sitting in front of her, with his hands on her blouse buttons, she saw Naseru. She imagined they were his hands and it was his lips she was kissing. Her breathing hitched and her heart sank.
Tatsuya's voice was like a lighthouse in the murkiness of her mind, signalling her back to reality. She wouldn't kiss Naseru like that. She didn't trust him like she trusted Tatsuya.
"No?" Tatsuya asked.
"No. Not 'no'," Kaho declared.
She took a breath and returned to kissing him. He still remained fully clothed, not even his tie had come off. He undid another button just as they came apart to breathe again. He looked over at her. Kaho lowered her eyes. Her eyes were downcast, gazing at the mess they'd left on the floor.
"No?" Tatsuya tried again.
"No," she said quietly, "Not like this."