Humans are equally beautiful and ugly beings. Whether it be appearance or personality. Some people have beautiful appearances but the inside is something you have to watch out for.
Or else you'll be drowned in a world full of troubling things.
Then how about you? Have you ever wondered when the word "Balance" came to be?
Every person on this planet living their lives is keeping the equilibrium of their life.
For what?
It is exactly to avoid unnecessary trouble that they wouldn't be able to bear.
Really, I have noticed this since a long time ago.
Though I don't hate them that much, especially when there are some great minds being born from them.
I have respected them based on their ways of living. Their contradiction to the norms of the ordinary is something I treated with respect.
However the ordinary keeps on not acknowledging, they'll keep showcasing a distortion of any commonly held beliefs or social norms that it's not fascinating at all. That's why I'm determined they're inferior.
For me, their thought process is fascinating and I end up admiring them whenever I get a glimpse of it.
The feeling of superiority, and euphoria it causes me is simply wondrous.
How lovely and hypocritical..
You may think of me as a pompous bastard, but what can I do about it?
Even my surroundings can't change how I think, then how can I possibly change yours..
And simply I won't bother to do such pointless things.
Every turn of our life results in something unpleasant happening.
And as humans as we are, you perceive everything about the reality surrounding you in a positive way.
Except for the people that got hit by reality real hard, either their parents or ancestors are the ones to blame or themselves.
Much-worse is the youth because they're living in the continuously running standards of the so-called "Human Society",
As foolish as they are, they first care about the impressions about themselves and around them, instead of caring about the things reality would bring about in their lives.
Well, I couldn't bring myself to care and I can't bother to, I have myself to think.
I couldn't expect less from them. All I could say is Humans are quite remarkable masochists themselves.
They always found happiness amidst their suffering.
They perpetually used that happiness to deceive themselves that they were happy even though they were suffering.
Well, the thing is, they didn't know that the equilibrium of their lives is also reconditioning.
Their sense of reasoning and judging how worse the situation could be, and at the back of the coin is how good and light the situation you are in once you passed yet another problem that distorts your sense of balance.
And once again I couldn't bother myself to care, oh how evil and hypocritical have I become.
The Bible Gateway Matthew 7 said,
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "
With all that hypothetical thinking, the same thing could also apply to me.
Having a peaceful life is something I want. I don't need anything else other than that. All I want is just that alone.
That I would do anything to achieve it.
That's what I told myself, unconsciously deceiving myself because I couldn't get what I wanted.
Because I've already given up.
Truly, deep inside my body I know there's something else that I want other than that.
However, the circumstances that I got placed in does not allow me to obtain it. Still, all I did was allow myself to drown in the conclusion laid down by others.
"It always seems Impossible until it's done," Nelson Mandela once said.
Sure, I've once thought the same thing just as everyone did.
I know that if you do not stretch out your hand to grasp it, you will regret it your whole life.
That's why there's something that I want other than a peaceful life.
Yet, the things that you can obtain with your own two hands are always so shallow and vague. I simply cannot have faith in such things. More than that, there is the fact that the most unreliable existence of all is ourselves. Hence, the wish that my life will become interesting would surely not come true as well.
That's why in the end, it all depends on whether you are capable of causing it.
How hilarious and ironic, my other wish counteracted against my other wish. Really, how hilarious.
Naturally, at first since some time back then, I've worked hard to achieve it or at least that's what i think.
I spent most of my time training, I shed sweat, and blood.
Karate, Kendo, Kenjutsu, Iaijutsu, Aikido, Boxing, Kali, Mixed martial arts, And more. To become strong, and to have a foundation of my strength and to be prepared, I threw myself into learning everything I would need.
All while hiding my strength from the norm.
All for the sake of the day when I would get to enter the stage myself.
I've worked harder than anyone else so that the author couldn't describe it in more detail.
I'm kidding, there's no way anyone would be interested and read a book about myself if an author writes about me.
At school, I was like a nobody, a mass of pure mediocrity itself. Harmless to ordinary man and animals, average in all subjects. A one and all Mob Character C, that one character where the author didn't even describe his existence or face, nor even getting a screen time unlike Mob Character A background commentaries, with a dwindling presence to the point they're simply close to non-existent.
However, on the flip side of my super ordinary normal mob life was a grueling and arduous training.
I'm aspiring as the Mysterious Character who wants to step out of human bounds, and wreak havoc and cause destruction.
Well, you could say I'm aspiring to be both an anti-hero and demon king, the last boss.
Like a bird who wants to spread its wings freely.
My muscles contract each time I reminisce about those olden days(It's just 3 years ago).
My days are full of training inside a dojo, sweating profusely, controlling my breathing perfectly to control my booming heart that's so excited after a hard fight.
However, contrary to my expectations, each Sensei that I've challenged and learned martial arts from didn't give me what I wanted.
At first, they're proud of me because I've managed to surpass them in terms of strength and techniques, how I optimized their Ryūha, fused, improved, and perfected it to the best of it, and make full use of it to fight against them.
According to them, they're proud to teach a monster like me.
They said I was born in the wrong era, and they're not wrong. I also couldn't help but agree that such a monstrosity such as me is walking along peacefully in the modern world in which interesting things to happen are almost nigh impossible.
Maybe if I was born in the Sengoku period I would be the Strongest Kenshi along with Miyamoto Musashi.
Well, there's nothing I could do about it.
I remember their happy faces that said they're excited to fight me, and I as a good disciple gave them what they want, the fight they so wanted in their remaining lifespan they dedicated themselves to perfect their respective Ryūha.
Yes, honestly I'm also happy for them and for me, because I managed to clear my temporary goal at that time and also make their wishes come true as well, with my own two hands, "to hit two birds with one stone" is the appropriate word I think.
Sigh* I envy them. Obviously I'm not a jealous person and it felt weird to be jealous of someone, but those guys clearly felt something I wanted to feel too.
I was definitely enraged, at first I was also the same. For the first time in a while I also felt alive, the same as them.
My eyes turn sharp whenever I feel the seriousness, the pressure and the intent of my Sensei's, and as their good disciple I had to answer back.
The feedback was good because I could see their hands and legs even though miniscule, the quiver didn't escape my eyes.
Striking my hard trained-arms, destroying the bodies of my opponents, and my legs aiming to Incapacitate their bodies.
However this cannot continue on for long. I have always known that this would all fall apart sooner or later, that I'm not satisfied with just this.
In the end I couldn't find it, no matter how strong and fast the fist they gave and came to me, I didn't feel what I wanted to feel.
Everyone's wishes are different after all, I thought I would be satisfied after that but..
In the end, I ended up putting my Sensei's in the hospital because of how bloody my every graduation spar had always become.
And me, I've only received far lighter injuries compared to when I started learning martial arts from them.
Just remembering it I feel sorry for the masters I've crippled, thankfully they can still live their lives normally only with little hardships from the injury they received from me…
Really…
Believe me…
Though the hardest one I've done is that one of them can't move his lower half, and the others can't recover their shattered bones, they now can't perform extensive exercises such as sparring, that's all…
"I'm sorry Shishou-tachi…"
Don't worry about it, we all signed a waiver that any injuries we receive from the spar will be our responsibility, so no hard feelings.
There's even one of my previous Sensei that is even willing to die fighting me saying "It's the highest honor for a warrior to die in the hands of my disciple who surpassed me…" saying old-fashioned things like that.
Those battle junkies, in the first place I just came there to learn real martial arts, not to have a death battle.
Is what I always told myself.
In truth, I knew it.
Deep inside me there's something else that's whispering…
The deepest part of my desire is saying, 'I also want to do something like that too' .
To let go of all my feelings and submerge deep together with my desires,…
To make my deepest wishes come true.
But there's still something I haven't accomplished.
Weak minds can't comprehend the strong minds.
Seeing my Sensei's injured and bloodied bodies. I couldn't help but look at their satisfied expressions, although there's a lot of pain in their faces, but they're still smiling..
It took me a while to realize, 'Huh- aren't they living like a human should be, smiling even though they're suffering…'.
"I'm jealous…"
After that accident I didn't bother showing up before them. Somehow I feel weird remembering their faces.
I felt frustrated. My insides are churning.
I could tell that I'm deeply frustrated and it caught up to me.
"Huh? A-Am I jealous…?
Of them…?"
Really, how humane this feeling is.
Hmmm~... Wait… ノ( º _ ºノ)
Humane? Or is it Inhumane? The two words mean the opposite, and the corresponding emotions I felt back then doesn't mean humane and more likely Inhumane.
I was preaching that I am different from your normal person, that I wouldn't be distracted by those kinds of feelings until I achieve "that '', and that I wouldn't be as petty as them.
However, after that I also noticed that I am also not that different from normal humans for feeling this kind of emotion.
Really, how ironic my life has become.
But I don't regret it, yet I was constantly being reminded of my origins.
I don't remember much of what happened to myself or when it occurred to me. All I know is that I've wanted something "interesting" to happen to me for as long as I can remember.
Was it because of how different I've seen people's lives compared to the norm?
Or was it because of the anime I used to watch when I was little?
Or is it the many Shounen Manga I've always read?
Maybe Chuunibyou?
Actually I don't care as long as something interesting happens and I get to have some actions to my mundane life, I'll happily welcome it.
Not the Love comedy of the protagonist love triangle. I'm talking about the Interesting events that happened in many manga and anime works, you could count the light novels too.
For example, Interesting events like being summoned to a different world, or becoming a demon lord something like that, then after that maybe when you come back to your original home world and assume your normal life, your school got school hijack, where terrorists take over the whole school as hostage and everyone in the class is panicking while you are sitting in your seat like a lazy badass you are, not minding the noisy brats.
(A/N: Mc is doing his usual daydreaming, don't mind him…)
And then suddenly, the terrorists noticed you!
They point a gun at your head shouting at you!(Oh no!)
Then you slightly open your eyes!(Damn what a badass sigma…)
VHOOM! PRESSURE!(HASHAAA~) PRESSURE!(HASHAAA~)
You overwhelm them with only your killing intent!
And then the terrorists are weak willed as they get scared and accidentally shot at you! (Bang*!)
But then, surprising your enemies you vanish from the spot and appear behind them!
They noticed you, and decided to stop you with rounds of bullets continuously!(Bang*! Bang*! Bang*!)
However!!
You accelerate and appear in front of them within a blink of their eyes, smiling crazily as if you're lost to the pleasure of the fight and exchange!(Zudonnn!)
And pierced their bodies with only your hands like sharp blades and continued to massacre the whole terrorist group!(Hashaaaaa!)
And then the main protagonist and his harem would be like:
"Y, -YOU?! WHO REALLY ARE YOU?!!"
And I will be like, I'm looking at them like they're nothing in front of me letting them remind them that they're feeble in front of power.
I like them, and wanted to do one of them or maybe all of them.
What life was to everyone else was what interesting events were to me. That's all that was.
But, unlike the children who abandoned their fantasies, mine was not a fleeting illusion. It was something much deeper, and it seemed to last forever. It burnt me from the inside, and it kept me going.
That was my youth, and that was my everyday life.
But as time passed and I grew older, I felt unease pressed upon me. That it was time to face reality.
The reality that all my effort was meaningless and all in vain.
No matter how many martial arts I excelled at, I would still be far from the overwhelming potential and talent possessed by those overpowered protagonists or the last boss, much more the hidden last boss.
The most I could attain would be the strength to beat up a group of punks and gangs, even if they outnumbered me I could still turn the tables on them. However, If firearms came into the fight things would get rough, or not if it's One vs. One I could manage, I just have to disable them before they could even pull it. But if I got surrounded by trained soldiers wearing protective armor, well that'd be over, all I can do is submit and be subdued by reality.
Heck I can barely react and slash one bullet from a pistol and all I did was anticipate it, how would I end up if an automatic rifle, machine guns, and launchers were pointed at me.
This situation alone I could say with utmost certainty. The potential power that I dreamed would not even flinch in front of mere big guns if possible.
A Mysterious Character who's still not even getting summoned gets beaten up by soldiers or worse end up dead full of bullets. How laughable, oh god… tears start showing up whenever I think about it.
Even if I spend many years training, even if I became the strongest martial artist, if soldiers came to the picture I would still get beaten. Or maybe I would somehow be able to handle it. Perhaps with enough training, maybe humans possess enough potential to defeat soldiers even if originally surrounded.
However even if I trained for many years and eventually I could put down every single soldier. Considering the fresh state of being summoned to another world is around highschool.
How long would that take?
How old am I on that day?
Wouldn't that indirectly mean I wouldn't be summoned to another world?
My goals are getting mixed, whether to become stronger or be summoned. My head is aching and my dream is waning. Is it okay to stay like this?
I don't even know whether I would get a chance to be summoned. Reincarnation? Go to Another world by death? Interesting, but what would you do if you didn't make it the worst case scenario is you believe in that shit but you get treated by science, and science believes in no higher power like god, you return to nothingness. There's no recycle and reincarnation in the same world.
But what if, if it exists? If that kind of chance was easy to get that I'm so sure I can take that chance in the first place, I'm not swinging my fist in that tree that day questioning why am I doing this? What for? What's the point of doing this when I know I won't be summoned?
And before I noticed it, I'm already lost on my path.
"What's the point anyway?..."
Was the question that's taking a toll on my mind everyday and everynight…
Before I noticed it, I was so lost and unable to see my path again. The light I see cannot be brought back again, things that are lost will definitely not become beautiful memories.
I became a husk that is only watching, observing, finding something that will connect me to the bright path I once took and lost.
Since back then, at some place, where both sentimentality and resignation were mixed together, I had since taken a step back and drew a line, I don't want to have any expectations.
I gather books to gain Inspiration, something to focus and pass the time. What is lost will never come back. I do not want to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth, that's why I avoided the issue.
Though I knew this, I have been averting my eyes from it.
I once again question myself "Is it okay to stay like this?"
A great man once said, "There was no correct answer. My only option was to keep going down to the path that I believed in, all alone in the darkness." He was the man of my dreams(and I'm not gay but if I became a woman I'll fall for him, cuz it's not gay if one of you is biologically female).
However, all the contemplation I did was all for naught, in the end I couldn't bring out the previous me. I hope I can be like that man.
And once again Reality-chan is performing a right straight jab at me.
Time passed quickly, I finally approached the last summer of my high school period.
I was living my usual everyday life, waking up in the morning, working out, eating, going to school, going home, reading, and sleeping.
However, everything changed that night, my peaceful life was challenged when that entity entered my life.
No…
More like the long dormant side of me has once again awakened, the dead part of me that I lost.
The thing that was sleeping peacefully was rudely awakened by that entity.
...