DEAR DESPERATE DIARY;
I felt fear creep in at that moment.
I was ashamed. Some people might think of this as no big deal but for me it was. I had an image to protect. People saw me as above that or incapable of that, which truth told made me unable to be my true self among people.
I am a human after all, I have desires, I have faults, and I am not perfect. In fact, I might as well be the most imperfect person I know.
The phone screen was filled with uncleared tabs of porn videos. I never cleared any of the tabs. I was ignorant and oblivious. Also, I was a novice. I had no idea about tabs let alone how to clear them and how was I supposed to know he'd search through those? Well now I know but then, it never even crossed my mind.
"What are all these, babe?" he asked.
"I don't know" I answered shamefully.
"What do you mean by you don't know, it is your phone is it not?" he asked again, this time with a raised brow.
"I really don't know; some people have been using my phone so I'm sure they did that." I lied through my teeth; this time I couldn't dare to look him in the eye. I knew how ridiculous that sounded.
"Huh?" he exclaimed.
I am sure he saw how distorted I looked because, before I knew it, he raised my chin up with his index finger.
"Babe, I am not going to judge you or make you feel bad, I just want to know the truth because I wasn't expecting this on your phone."
I stared at him closely trying to read him and figure out if there was a lie in anything he was saying, but there was nothing. And his voice sounded so soothing and reassuring, that I just gave in.
"I....I'm sorry. I opened those videos".
It wasn't my intension to watch them, but I started liking it.
-----------------------------Past---------------------------------
Some time ago, before I met him, I used to stay in a cottage with several others most of them my age mates. Money was hard to come by and sometimes with the little I got from my parents, I shared with my colleagues there and vice versa. But I hated staying there. I wanted so much to leave.
Life there was unbearable.
Come to think of it, it wasn't as unbearable as I thought it was compared to my current situation with Liam. Yet I could bear this current situation where I had not a place to even lay my head to my comfort.
Such is life.
I contacted an acquaintance who I believed could help me with my finances.
A bad mistake.
He helped me for I think a week and decided to show me what he does to earn money and initiated me into it.
Simply put, he was a fraud. His job was to fraud old men in foreign countries with lots of money, who wanted to date young ladies who could actually pass as their children.
Serves them right though.
Anyway, when he first told me about it, I was skeptical. I was brought up in a family that considered that a bad and unacceptable act. Yet I failed to stick to the right path. I was lured by the fact that I could be free from that cottage and acquire financial freedom. Hence I accepted.
I grew up hearing money is the root of all evil, and truly it was the root of all the evil I experienced. But I believe it can be a root of happiness as well, a guarantee of establishment.
I accepted Leo's proposal of fraud.
He led me to download dating apps and open several accounts, which I followed vehemently. Within two to three days, I had suitors. Both white and black old men at my disposal all ready to claim me.
Fortunately, and unfortunately, I had one who was very much into me and decided to spend on me, get me whatever I needed, if only I'd be his whore. And by whore, I mean take a video of me fucking other men and women as well. Go to clubs and get wasted. Take a video of me masturbating, whenever I am home, and he wanted to be on a video call 24/7.
I was no whore. I am definitely not a whore.
Make video calls, that I could manage, well I thought, but the rest, simply not me.
In order to satiate him and also have my self esteem intact, I would go to porn sites and download videos of ladies having the same features I do having intense sexual activities with both men and women alike.
I must say, I was disgusted by the things I saw and to even picture myself in that position was something I dreaded thinking about.
After getting the right videos from the porn site and downloading them, I would edit them making sure the faces of the ladies that are supposed to be me doesn't show and then send it to him.
When I say this man becomes so excited seeing the videos I am not kidding, its as if giving a candy to a baby.
Any requests I make after that is surely fulfilled.
This went on for months and by then I was growing tired of his excessive and outrageous demands.
He would request for a video every single day in the mornings when I was still in bed and mind you he was in an outside country hence there were differences in our time zones. His mornings were my evening and his evenings were my mornings.
He would wake me up every morning requesting for a video call, it got so bad that I became sleep deficient.
When I am woken up like that I could no longer sleep again nor do anything productive because he would like to be in touch the whole of the day on phone. I never knew some relationships could be this tiring.
Though I was getting the money I was loosing a lot. I couldn't study, I couldn't sell, I couldn't write my books, I couldn't write my songs. Everything was just on hold. It was frustrating.
You know that feeling when you no longer enjoy a conversation even with a partner you love, where everything he or she speaks irritates or turns your off to the point that you wish you could just hang up.
That was my situation now. I hated every single bit of it, to the point I even thought getting the money wasn't even worth this torture.
I was devasted. And this man wasn't even the love of my life.
"Why should I have to put my whole life on hold to satisfy this stranger just because of money?" I asked myself.
It didn't make sense.
I realised then that perhaps I was chasing after the wrong thing, but unfortunately for me the videos found a way to influence me without my notice. It crept into my mind to my skin.
Whenever I downloaded the videos to edit and send to him, I had this tingling sensation within me that kept on growing.
The urge to do what I saw them do grew greater and greater to the point I had to do something about it. I couldn't take it anymore I had to satiate that yearn and hunger.
The solution then was to masturbate.
I was still a virgin.