(TED and KEVIN walk in the train, seated beside each other while exchanging deadpan looks to one another, scaring others off to seat somewhere else. KEVIN has an EYEPATCH covering his right eye. TED has crutches beside him.)
TED: Damn.
KEVIN: Damn.
TED: What happened to your eye?
KEVIN: Eh… (KEVIN shrugs and touches his EYEPATCH) Long story.
TED: I bet.
KEVIN: Yeah. I was chopping up some onions at my job and the knife slipped out my hands and stabbed into my eye.
TED: Oh damn for real?
KEVIN: Yeah.
TED: I remember when my dad tried to cut his sandwich in half and he managed to stab both his eyes somehow with the same knife in one swift motion.
KEVIN: Damn. For real?
TED: Yeah. I saw it. Think I was 7.
KEVIN: Damn.
TED: Indeed.
(Awkward silence.)
KEVIN: Well. What happened to you?
TED: I got run over by an ice cream truck.
KEVIN: Damn. How did that happen?
TED: Well, I tried to order a SpongeBob Popsicle but the guy misheard me and gave me a Superman popsicle. I'm a Dragon Ball fan so of course I didn't want it so I tried to chase him down.
KEVIN: Then he pressed brakes and hit you by accident?
TED: No. He thought I was trying to rob him so he made a U-Turn and ran me over at full speed.
KEVIN: Damn.
TED: Yeah. Apparently he still sells ice cream.
KEVIN: Yeah. I saw him yesterday actually. I ordered a SpongeBob Popsicle but he gave me a Superman popsicle.
TED: Damn.
(More awkward silence.)
KEVIN: You know that story reminds me of a story.
TED: Oh really? Please share.
KEVIN: (He puts one finger under his chin.) I remember when my grandma tried to make ice cream but my grandpa told her that it was made by the Chinese.
TED: What does that mean?
KEVIN: He thought the Chinese were making ice cream that, if consumed, will change your genetics into being Chinese and you'll have to serve under China.
TED: Damn. Is that true?
KEVIN: I don't know but what I do know my grandma and grandpa argued all night.
TED: Damn. What happened next?
KEVIN: Chinese spies came through our windows and started fighting my grandpa. I still don't know how he managed to take on five military trained spies at once till this day.
TED: Damn. When did this all happen?
KEVIN: Exactly a year ago.
TED: Damn.
KEVIN: Indeed.
(Even more awkward silence.)
TED: Huh. It's funny you mention spies.
KEVIN: Why is that?
TED: Because apparently my mother works as a Russian spy.
KEVIN: Damn. For real?
TED: Yeah. She was just acting about loving my father but she ended up actually loving him and almost forgetting her mission.
KEVIN: Almost?
TED: Yeah. She got mind controlled by the Russians again and she had to return.
KEVIN: Damn.
TED: Yeah. I still remember when the Russians chokeslammed my father through the glass tables and it shattered everywhere.
KEVIN: Damn. That sucks.
TED: Yeah. He's still in the hospital although he keeps saying the Russians go there to laugh at his condition and leave.
KEVIN: Damn. Can never trust Russia.
TED: Indeed.
(Even-even more awkward silence.)
KEVIN: That reminds me of a story of how the police threw a grenade at my dad's chest and he exploded into a million pieces.
TED: Damn. That actually happened to your dad?
KEVIN: Yeah. My grandpa was the one who threw it.
TED: Oh damn. Why?
KEVIN: My dad was chasing down that ice cream truck guy because he gave him a SpongeBob Popsicle instead of a Superman popsicle like he asked but the ice cream truck thought he was robbing him and tried to run him over.
TED: Did it work?
KEVIN: No. My dad backflipped over the truck and threw his ice cream cone precisely at his tires.
TED: Damn.
KEVIN: Yeah so the cops were called and since we're black, they teleported there and tried to shoot him but apparently HE was working for the Chinese government and he managed to dodge all their bullets with his Kung-Fu and knocked all of them out.
TED: Oh, so that's why your grandpa threw the grenade because he was a Chinese conspirator?
KEVIN: Nah. He didn't know he was a Chinese spy until after he died. He said he always wanted to do that and wished he wore a condom.
TED: Damn man. When did this all go down?
KEVIN: Yesterday.
TED: Damn. Sorry for you being black I guess.
KEVIN: Yeah. Thank you.
(Super awkward silence as TED phone rings.)
TED: (Picks up phone.) Hello?
KEVIN: Who's that on the phone?
TED: My father. He says my mother arrived with blood covered over her.
KEVIN: Damn. What happened?
TED: She killed the Russian spies mind controlling her and is sobbing right now.
KEVIN: Damn. How did she break out of mind control?
TED: Good question. (Goes back to the phone.) Hey dad. Ask how she broke out of mind control.
KEVIN: So?
TED: Oh. Apparently she was never mind controlled. She just lied.
KEVIN: Why?
TED: Because she was mad at my father that day. It was just a coincidence that the Russian spies decided to raid our house that day.
KEVIN: Damn. I, too, hate coincidences.
TED: Damn indeed. (Hangs up phone.)
(The train blacks out for a second before coming back on.)
KEVIN: (Gets a text message and looks at his phone.) Damn.
TED: What happened?
KEVIN: I think there's Chinese, Russian, and American spies on this train.
TED: How did you know?
KEVIN: My grandpa just crashed down. He says he is going to take care of them by throwing grenades at their foreheads.
TED: Damn. For real?
KEVIN: Yeah.
TED: Damn.
KEVIN: Yeah. Also I remember the time I crossed up my grandma in basketball and her head dribbled on the concrete.
TED: Damn. Sad that happened. Wish her the best.
KEVIN: Nah. She was a Russian Spy.
TED: Oh. Then fuck her then.
KEVIN: Yeah.
(The train stops.)
Train Operator: EVERYONE OFF THE TRAIN! THERE'S A CRAZY OLD MAN FIGHTING CHINESE, RUSSIAN, AND AMERICAN SPIES!
KEVIN: Bruh.
TED: That sucks.
(KEVIN and TED walk out of the train.)
KEVIN: Well. That happened. Guess we got to walk.
TED: Damn.
KEVIN: Damn. Indeed.
The End.