Spring 2021 – Los Angeles.
I sat in my car, playing with the engagement ring on the ring finger of my left hand, trying to hold back tears as I watched Sebastian walk towards me. I had to do it tonight… I was running out of time… I had to do it… today.
Both his hands were jammed in his pockets, as he did his ducky walk – I called it a 'ducky walk' because whenever he did that, he reminded me of a duck I once saw in a pond.
I knew he was happy to be meeting me but I didn't miss the strained smile on his face or the way his eyes flashed sceptically when he neared my car. That smile on his face… would make my knees go weak before but now, it felt like a dagger in my gut.
"Andy!" I whispered to my driver "Can you give us some privacy? But hang around, I won't be long with Sebastian,".
Without a word, Andy nodded and stepped out of the car. I heard Sebastian greet him in his usual happy way, while I reached for the door lock for the car and turned it on before lowering the window. Raising a trembling hand, I beckoned to Sebastian.
He came to where I was, leaning in as he peered at me with confusion. "Babe? What's wrong? Why aren't you opening the car door?" he asked.
"There'll be no need for that. It's going to be a quick conversation,". I said coldly.
"O...kay!" he nodded "What's going on? You're acting strange. First the text and the call and now this? We …".
"We need to talk," I cut him off, turning to face him now, hoping he wouldn't see the pain in my eyes.
"Okay!" he shrugged and leaned closer; the corner of his eyes crinkled with concern. "Did something happen? You look kind of sad, you're scaring me, I won't lie,".
"I'm fine," I said with a quiet smile "I don't have time, Seb so I'd need you to listen to me for the next few minutes. Also, don't ask me a lot of questions… because I won't be able to give you answers,".
"Is it bridal jitters?" he tried again. Don't worry dear, everyone gets those…".
"Let's call off the wedding!" I said feeling a part of my heart rip as the words floated in the air. "I do not think we're compatible, Sebastian. For one…" I trailed off, fighting the tears that threatened to fall.
For a moment, we stared at each other… I could see disbelief written boldly all over his face. Then he chuckled nervously. "Come on love, this isn't funny. We're getting married in two days,".
"I'm serious," I said, my voice cracking. "We can't get married, Sebastian. It's over!" Swallowing a lump that had settled at the back of my throat, I continued. "You're poor and I am not sure you'd be able to take care of me after our wedding. You even had to take a loan to fund it when you could have simply asked my dad,".
His face fell, as hurt flashed in his eyes, but he shrugged it off and reached for my hand, pressing a gentle kiss to my knuckles. "Sienna, please," he begged "This is just pre-wedding jitters. We shouldn't be meeting each other too… it's considered bad luck in some cultures,".
"There will be no wedding, Sebastian!" I yelled yanking my hands away, my shout startling both of us. "Don't you understand? We're done!"
Sebastian stumbled back, running a hand through his hair. "No…no, this can't be happening, Sienna. I love you. Fine… I'll find a job… work hard… I'm only 22 for God's sake… I have a bright future, my break will come… you'll see. It won't be forever but I'll make sure you never go a day without food,".
"That…that is not enough," I sniffed back tears. Slowly, I removed the engagement ring from my finger, the small diamond caught the light, and at that moment, it felt like my heart had shattered into pieces.
We had promised not to break each other's heart, to think I was doing it now…
Reaching out, I dropped the ring into Sebastian's pocket, tapping it more than once…
"It's over," I repeated, my voice sounded hollow. "My father will reimburse you for the wedding expenses. I'm sorry for the inconvenience and you can tell our guests anything… I don't mind,".
"What?" a tear slipped down his cheek. "This is not a dream?" he paced for a few seconds and came back, then reached for the door and tried to open it. "Please, Sienna, let me hold you for one second, I swear, you'll be fine… everything will return to normal. I don't care if you cheated on me… I swear, I'll forgive you... darling. Please open the door,".
"No!" I tried to sound cold "You think someone like me would ever come down to your level? You're poor… your family is shitty – your dad is a drunk who beats up your mother and your brothers… don't get me started. It's no use, Sebastian. You should invest that energy into pulling them out of poverty,".
"Fine!" he swiped at the tears flowing freely on his cheeks now. "We can push back the wedding if you want. Take a break… work it out, see a therapist… you could wait for me," he said frantically reaching for my hand again. "Just give me a year, Sienna… I'll find a way to make enough money for both of us… please… I love you! please… don't leave me… I beg you!"
I yanked my hands away from him for the second time, turning my gaze away not before I signalled Andy. Andy came swiftly, and entered the car, making sure Sebastian didn't come in after him. Slowly, he wound the window… while I struggled to hold back the grief bubbling inside of me.
As the engine roared to life, Sebastian pounded on the window, his pleas were growing more desperate.
"Sienna! Baby! Don't do this! I love you!"
I could feel Andy hesitating but my mind was made up. "Drive!" I commanded.
As the car pulled away, I couldn't bring myself to look back but from the rearview mirror, I could see Sebastian running after us, tears streaming down his face. I could still hear his cries, cutting through the chilly spring night and my heart.
His figure grew smaller and smaller until he was nothing more than a speck in the rearview mirror.
My body was trembling, my eyes burned, and my vision blurred with unshed tears, but I couldn't let them fall. I didn't deserve the release of crying, the comfort that came after grief.
This was my choice, my sacrifice and I'll let it gnaw at my insides until I fall apart… until then… I pray the heavens will forgive me and Sebastian… if I am lucky.