Eileen turned back to the kitchen, muttering to herself, "Ah yes, the fridge... where magic happens, or in my case, where culinary disasters are born."
She opened it, rummaging through its contents with the enthusiasm of a treasure hunter searching for buried treasure.
"Tomato, yes! The fruit of the gods... or at least, the fruit of the supermarket." She grabbed a few and placed them on the counter, admiring her handiwork.
"Ugh, where can I find those round things that make people cry... and hopefully not my taste buds?" she wondered aloud, scanning the kitchen shelves. "Oh yeah, there you are, you tear-inducing terrors!"
She reached for an onion, feeling a small sense of accomplishment as she added it to her growing pile of ingredients.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. 'Okay, I can do this. Just follow the basics... or at least, what I think the basics are. I mean, how hard can cooking be, right? gulp'
Eileen hauled the tomatoes and onions to the sink, ready to give them a good scrubbing. "Soap, soap, soap... where's the soap?" she muttered, searching around for any form of soap to wash.
"And do I need a sponge? Or can I just use my super-clean hands?" She rolled her eyes at herself. "Come on, Eileen, you're a genius! Err….Sort of."
She nodded determinedly. "Yes, I shall wash them with the ferocity of a thousand suns to avoid any contamination!"
She grabbed the soap and sponge, scrubbing the veggies like they owed her money.
As she rinsed them under the running water, she declared, "There! Now they're cleaner than my conscience after I used Frosty's bathroom when I wasn't supposed to!"
She paused, thinking, "What's next? Oh right, the part where I actually cook them...gulp!"
Eileen proudly placed the sparkling clean tomatoes and onions on the counter, ready to unleash her culinary mastery. Yet after three minutes all she did was stare at the items.
"Right, cooking! It's like... um... magic! You just... make things hot and... stuff. Right?" She shrugged and started banging the tomatoes against the counter, hoping to somehow.. release their flavors.
"I didn't see a blender now, did I?"
Next, she attempted to cook the onions by balancing them on the stove's burners, watching as they slowly charred into tiny, blackened spheres.
Well, turning on the cooker wasn't an issue. She could boil water for Papa's tea when she was still the Sterling Heiress.
As the kitchen filled with a strange, acrid smell, Eileen proudly declared, "Yes! That's the stuff! Now, let's combine these... um... ingredients."
She mashed the tomatoes and onions together with a spoon, creating a strange, pulpy mass.
"Voila! My culinary masterpiece!" She took a tentative bite, her face contorting in shock. "Hmm... needs more... um... soap?"
'Yeah, that should be it. I didn't wash it with enough soap, that's why it doesn't taste so… so dishy.'
Eileen's gaze wandered around the kitchen, searching for more ingredients to add to her... creation.
Her eyes landed on a bag of flour, which she promptly poured into the mixture, creating a cloud of white powder. "Ah, yes! Flour! The secret ingredient!"
Next, she opened the fridge then spotted a plastic jar of jam, which she spooned in with a flourish. "Sweetness! It needs sweetness!"
Finally, she grabbed a handful of coffee grounds from the coffee maker and sprinkled them on top. "And a dash of... um... coffee-ness!"
As she mixed everything together, the concoction began to resemble a strange, lumpy batter. Eileen beamed with pride, convinced she was creating a culinary masterpiece.
She took another bite, her face contorting in a twisted shock. "Hmm... needs more... um... something."
She rummaged through the kitchen, searching for that elusive… something. She didn't know what it was, yeah that something but, she believed her instincts would poke her when her eyes landed on that something.
Her eyes landed on a carton of eggs. "Eureka!" She quickly grabbed over ten eggs which she cracked into the mixture with a flourish. "Ah, yes! Eggs! The binding agent!"
Next, she spotted a plastic bottle of hot sauce, which she poured in with a reckless abandon. "And a dash of... um... heat!"
As she mixed everything together, the concoction began to resemble a strange, lumpy, egg-covered, coffee-sprinkled, jam-speckled, flour-dusted, soap-tainted... thing.
Eileen gazed at it in wonder, her mind boggling at the sheer culinary chaos she had created.
She took another bite, her face contorting in utter hate. Wait! Why would she hate her own dish? Well, a taste of it spells the word 'hate' and makes her want to say the word. She could feel it in her throat. "Hmm... mmmm I think... um... It's ready!!!."
Eileen searched the kitchen, her eyes scanning the shelves and cabinets for a plate, any plate. But all she saw were rubber plates with cartoon characters, sippy cups, and colorful rubber or plastic utensils.
She opened a cabinet, hoping to find a grown-up plate hiding among the kid's dishes, but nope, more rubber chickens and Disney princesses stared back at her.
Eileen: "?????"
She tried another cabinet, and another, her frustration growing with each passing moment. "Where are the real plates?! Who did plastic surgery on them???" she muttered to herself. "Doesn't anyone in this house eat actual food?"
Eileen scooped her culinary creation into a... rubber chicken-shaped plate. She gazed at it in disbelief, her mind boggling at the sheer absurdity of it all. "
A rubber chicken plate? What kind of kitchen is this?" She searched around, her eyes scanned the shelves and cabinets, but all she saw were rubber plates, sippy cups, and colorful utensils. "Are they... are they raising kids in here?!"
She felt like she had stumbled into a bizarre parallel universe where cooking and sanity had been abandoned in favor of... rubber chickens and cartoon character plates when they were clearly adults who lived in here.
With a sense of utter confusion, she placed the rubber chicken plate on the table, her creation quivering like a gelatinous monstrosity.
"Well, I suppose it's... um... ready to serve?"