What would you think you would do if you suddenly find yourself in your twelve year old body suddenly?

Don't sweat yourself, I can already guess your answer. It depends on whether if you are in the same planet, timeline or universe at all; if you have the complete memory of your older self or not, if you have a system, magical power or any other type of wish fulfilling mechanism...

Well, let me brust your bubble. If you are not an eight grader living his own eight grader syndrome at its proper time or have a single living and working brain cell at any capacity, you would have been either having a panic attack or frozen to death due to your brain not being able to decide between a fight a flight response out of the absurdity of the situation. It was what happened to me in the end, after all.

Let me be clear on this point. As far as I can remember, neither a truck-kun has run me to death. Nor a being of great power, "so called" goddess or kami killed me out of stupidity or summoned me in sheer arrogance.

A great cosmic coincidence, system shenanigans or karma bullshit you say? Sorry... Even if I want to be, I can't be as stupid as stupid as a standard horny goody-two-shoes novel protagonist.

You see, I was a professor at the faculty of sciences in a not too important university at a not too important country before finding myself in and absurd situation, and if there is one thing I was good at in life, it was to realize the patterns and exceptions.

My point is, finding yourself in your twelve year old body on the first day of the middle school out of more that fifteen thousand days of your adult life was not only scientifically impossible at the point when I was still a professor of sciences with the available thecnolocigal level, but also simply statistically improbable.

Let me tell you a secret if you don't know but, STATISTICS DOES NOT LIE! People simply misinterpret them either out of stupidity or sheer utility.

Finding yourself in a seemingly impossible situation? Well, there is still too many things that science can't explained yet. But finding yourself in a seemingly impossible situation on a statistically improbable day of your life? Please stop bullshiting me.

Random errors either caused by unknown or unpredictable sources an often than not are simply the result of variability of natural phenomena. Systematic errors on the other hand are either observational, instrumental, environmental or theoretical. Thus, whatever happening to me is either simply not what I think it is or not only possible but also probable.

My strongest theory is, I simply lost my mental faculties in some persistent and consistent way and am either in an induced coma or vegetative state. As far as I know, anything that is close to any kind of deep dive is still science fiction and being an unimaginative and less frequent type of schizophrenic is far more probable. Not my field of experience but considering the medical history of the maternal side of my family makes this theory the most prevalent one as of yet. The problem is, this is not the worst possibility.

Now, I don't care if you believe me or not when I say I am a realist, but regardless of it I still am not an atheist despite being a man of scince. I simply refuse to call anything that is shy of omniscience and omnipotence God with a capital letter but omnibenabenevolence is still debatable and that is the problem.

If by any chance this is not some type of mental disorder, and I am pretty sure that I would never volunteer any kind of mental experiment not only for the good of science but for any kind of material or immaterial gain; if what I thought impossible and improbable is wrong and this shit is actually happening to me in real life then that means I was simply not sincenere enough when I prayed for a benevolent death for all my life and this is the worst possibility.

You see... When I said I am a realist, what I actually meant is despite living in a fortunate life in a very safe, stable, and democratic corner of our little old Earth, I still have the audacity to know that not even the worst kind of death is the ugliest possible fate a human can encounter. Death is sometimes an escape and even a gift at the end of a cruel life if you are fortunate enough to have a benevolent one. Thus praying for an benevolent death for an entire life especially when my life was a pretty good one... Better wish to end it with a smile on the face instead of living enough to see the real cruelties of life at an old age.

But if this shit is really happening in real life, that means my mundane life has already ended and I was thrown to a special one without my own call of adventure. You see, I was not sent an old and wise mentor, not given any kind of supernatural aid, nor I fought a threshold guardian. Meaning, I didn't recieve a letter to attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, No Gandalf told me to destroy the One Ring , Obi-Wan didn't give me a lightsaber and offered to train me and most importantly Morpheus didn't ask me if I want the red pill, or the blue one. l was not given a choice in this journey from known to unknown, not even a heads up.

If you still didn't get the implications let me spell them for you. Definitely, I am not the hero of this journey. I was not asked for consent in this great adventure and am not an idiot that thinks that Earth is the center of the universe. That means, I am neither the first nor the only one experiencing this bullshit. The problem is, what else that is not only possible but even probable can happen to me without my consent at any given moment? Most probably? Other regressors, current or past, that thinks the world is ripe for the taking... But what about espers, extraterrestrial life forms or even supernatural beings? Are they living amongst us too? What about all those World of Darkness bullshit, mages, werewolves, vampires and more? What next? Zombie Apocalypse? Universal Merge? System Integration? Will the Imperium of the Mankind going to knock our doors for compliance in the next decade? If I can't even be sure the life I am living is reality or fiction, then how much bullshit is too much bullshit?

I am not Hindu or Buddhist and no offense but I always thought that any kind of second chance is simply antique population engineering mechanisms. What should I do now? Should I change religion? Obviously, if this bullshit is real and not some type of mental disorder or esoteric knowledge, not only science has failed me but also I have chosen the wrong religion. The only thing that is certain right now is, I think therefore I am, thank Descartes. Anything else is up to debate.

You think that existential crysises are the only things that poison the mind of a budding traveller of the unknown? Surprise surprise... Idiotically, despite not being as urgent as the existential ones, moral crysises are as poisonous too.

Did I mentioned that first year of middle school is one of the most improbable days of my life to regress? Not only because it happens to coincide with my exact twelfth birthday which in many antique cultures and most religions is the start of the adolescence, meaning legal and religious accountability. No? Definitely not also because it was the day I fought two of my classmates inside the classroom in front of the teacher during homeroom, the first class of the first day of the school and sent to the principals office. Probably not because my father stormed the school and threatened the entire educational staff too. Ironically, the reason of my moral meltdown is because it was the day I met the first crush of my life in this exact day.

I didn't have any girlfriends before high school and have only one crush during middle school which didn't happen untill earliest days of the spring semester of my senior year. Désirée Johnson, a willowy girl with hazel eyes and black hair with an uncommon name together with the most common surname ever.

Due to being a late bloomer and definitely not because of familial circumstances, I simply didn't realize that boys and girls are ment to be more than friends untill the last months of middle school. By the time I have realized, I have a not so serious crush on a particular ivory skinned, glasses wearing overachiever.. Sadly, I was only a few months away from high school admission tests at that time and have no idea what to do with that information. Just being kind and mature despite being one of the beauties of the classroom was more than enough to move my clumsy heart at that age.

Interestingly, I happen to met with her four years, three crushes and two girlfriends later at the spring semester of the senior year of high school. She was happen to be busy with crushing the women basketball team of our high school while I was waiting on the bleachers for our game with the rest of the men basketball team. It was close to the end of the first period by he time I realized and yelled her name, and it took a few days to explain how do I know the ace player of the rival team to an angry women and a curious men basketball team. We only speak a few minutes that day between the games and it didn't take too much to realize that I still had a not so serious crush on that particular ivory skinned willowy girl. I am pretty sure she was still unaware about her unnatural beauty due to not having enough curves to entice the horny high school boys of sports cliques. Not to even mention, this time I was only months away from collage admission tests and didn't even think about to act on that information, again. It was understandable if it was only this, but I was pretty much intimidated by the peer pressure of four teams, two men and two women, and didn't even think about asking her number. Not that something would have happened between us.

The problem at this moment was the realization of still having a not so serious crush on the same girl even after a lifetime of study, one short time and two long time collage girlfriends, one marriage and two kids later. What did it felt like you think? Let me tell you. IT FELT LIKE SHIT!

It was one thing to feel a crush on a minor at the same age at middle school and a completely different beast to fell the same thing as an infinitely older adult trapped in a twelve year old body. It simply felt sick you know? Then despite the ongoing existential crysis of my non-consenaual journey towards unknown, I thought about my high school years. Would living the same life, doing the same things with my own girlfriends later at high school be considered as child abuse now that I am much older mentally? Is there anyone watching what am I doing right now be it researchers recording the results of a sick social experiment forced upon my old self? Not to mention God Almighty, because now that I received a proof of supernatural belief is not a luxury of free will. Is it cheating if I did things that shouldn't be done as a married man while still not being married? Wait! What would happen to my kids if I choose to marry a different woman? Questions... Questions without answers, some even more disturbing than all those metanatural disaster scenarios.

I am writing this journal to organize my thoughts least I loose my mind, and writing in English because I am pretty sure none except my homeroom teacher around my close vicinity can read it. My father is fluent but I am pretty sure he can't read anything more than enough to meet his everyday needs despite spending almost 3 years at UK. My sister is studying in a language weighed high school and despite my own doubts of her proficiency, I am pretty sure she has enough of high school drama on her plate to care about anything her little brother wrote before leaving for the collage, even if she has the skill to read it.

I am going to write it in English untill I find something more secure. Spanish or French probably... I am pretty sure that no one around me can read either of them and google translate is still not a thing yet, not to mention only few houses have internet connection. I am not mad enough to invent a now one like Tolkien did and either way I prefer learning something that would help me in the long term instead wasting my time on Pokemon, Age of Empires or Dungeon and Dragons like I did in my first time. Damn, I remember watching entire list of IMDB 250 in my summer break of the freshman year of the collage, not for liberal education purposes but to cure my mom's recent heartbreak.

If you are watching me from somewhere above please show mercy because even I don't know what would I do with this clusterfuck of emotional baggage right now. If you are reading this please remember that this novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

But if by any chance you are reading this thing online, remember that the fucking author is lying to you. They all do it anyway. I am pretty sure I won't be uploading anything that can put me in an asylum or worse in a hidden facility for human experimentation for any material or immaterial gain. So please report the fucking thief that stole my intellectual property and uploaded it on whatever platform you are reading.

Last but not least, please don't forget me in your prayers, prayers of a benevolent death, because death is a gift sometimes instead the possibility of living the same life over and over again with all the emotional baggage. Seriously... Can you guarantee that it won't happen again in the future, now that I have regressed once? Damn, thank God I didn't regress to my baby self, that is a whole can of different kind of worms.