I wake up.
It's been a long time since I've slept so well.
I'm in my bed staring at the ceiling, trying to find the strength to get up.
... I don't want to go to school. I'm 18 years old and I'm still in high school. I have been held back many times. The teachers say it's because I don't study and pay attention in class. I can't say it's false...
I manage to get up. I put my glasses on and go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth. The sound of running water always manages to calm me down. It's relaxing every now and then to enjoy these little things, no matter how insignificant they are in your life.
A moment of calm is needed in a time so bombarded by problems in the world: global warming, disease, cancer, war, hunger...
Why should I care about these issues? We all have to die anyway. What's the point of having a fit body if we could still die in an accident? What's the point of committing ourselves to life, finding a job, and doing something important if what we do will be forgotten by time?
What's the point of living if it's all going to end?
I leave the house and get on the school bus. I sit, as usual, in the back row. I know no one is going to sit next to me, so I have all the space I want. In the end, an ugly fat guy like me doesn't have much success in life. I've never had sex or a girlfriend... Shit, I've never even kissed a girl... I'm just a loser. Sometimes it seems to me that living is like watching a drama movie where you already know the ending. You hope for the best for the protagonist. You want him to be happy and achieve his dreams. But it always ends the same way... "At the end, he died."
Period.
Drum roll. Black screen.
I arrive at school. The lesson begins, and I sit down at my desk. Next to me, there is always the same girl. Ayame.
"Hi Ayame."
"Hi Akira! How are you today?" she says with a smile.
She's the only girl in my life with whom I have a good relationship... That's why I'd love to fuck her. She's like a sister to me, but I can't help but think these thoughts. I know I'm a pervert. Plus, she's attractive, smart, and friendly... We live in two different worlds... How can a piece of junk like me even think of being with someone like her? Maybe I've had too many fantasies from all the anime I've watched... I'm not a protagonist who manages to overcome difficulties and achieve his goals...
The teacher is explaining, as usual, a lesson that no one gives a damn about. I look out the window. A park can be seen in the distance. There are children playing football.
Sometimes I miss the old days of elementary school... Times full of hope for the future and lightheartedness in the present. I would like to go back to living like that... How envious I feel of them.
All of us as children can't wait to grow up, while when we grow up we just want to rejuvenate...
"Hey Kobayashi, instead of staring out the window, you could pay attention to the lesson. Maybe you'll even pass this time" said the teacher.
All the students stare at me and laugh.
"... Excuse me, sir. It won't happen again..."
"*Sigh*... Why can't you be like your brother?"
Oh, holy shit, here we go again...
"Your brother was one of the best students I've ever had. He assiduously followed every lesson and always got top marks. You should try to be like him."
I grit my teeth.
"... Okay, sir..."
I hate when someone compares me to that piece of shit. All my life, he did nothing but tease and torment me, showing the world how good he was just to put me under his shadow.
I know him for what he really is. If I ever became like him, I'd rather kill myself than go on living.
I pretend to follow the lesson so as not to draw more attention to myself.
Ayame throws a note onto my desk without being seen by the teacher. I open the card that says, "See you in the park after school." What does Ayame want to tell me? I look at Ayame, who immediately looks away.
I don't understand...
After school, I head to the park. I'm sweating cold... It can't be what I think... That kind of thing only happens in anime, not in real life...
I find Ayame, sitting on a bench.
"... Ayame. What did you want to tell me?"
Ayame gets up nervously.
I look at Ayame, who is blushing. Her ivory-colored skin is even more radiant than usual. Her raven-black hair is tied up in a ponytail, and she looks at me intensely with her blue eyes. I widen my eyes, and my heart starts to beat faster.
"... There's something I wanted to tell you..."
Oh God, it can't be true...
"... I like you..."
... I remain motionless. I can't say anything...
Ayame looks at me, blushing even more.
"... And you? Do you love me?" she says with a trembling voice.
"... No... I'm sorry..."
"... What...?" says Ayame while looking into my eyes, with a destroyed look and teary eyes.
I start running away from her as fast as I can.
Why did I say no? I wanted to say yes... But then why did I say no?
... She deserves better... She doesn't really know me... She doesn't know the thoughts I have about her... She deserves someone more like her... Not me...
I keep running without a destination. I don't know where I'm going... Just like with my life...
Ayame loved me and I rejected her... I'm an idiot...
I start crying and sobbing. With my hands, I pull my hair as I collapse to the ground.
I left the most important person to me because I'm too cowardly to love her... I'm too pathetic to give her a fulfilling life... And I'm a failure, not worthy of being with her...
My parents divorced 8 years ago... My father, in the pain of not being able to see me and my brother anymore, committed suicide... My mother always gave attention only to my older brother, belittling me every day...
Ayame was the only reason that made me get up in the morning and now I've lost her forever... Now I'm alone... Now I have no more reason to live...
There is a train station 50 meters from here...
I head toward the station.
Today the station is empty, like myself... The only things that can be heard are the wind and the chirping of birds. The sky is clear, but clouds are getting closer...
All that's missing is rain as the cherry on top of this shitty day...
The only positive note is that today my personal movie will end...
I don't see any trains in the distance. I stand near the tracks. I take a step forward, closer to them.
I hear the sound of something breaking, like glass falling and shattering into a thousand pieces. I look around confused but see nothing.
Suddenly, I hear a train coming. I take another step closer to the tracks.
I hear another sound of shattering glass, but this time it's louder and closer.
The train is getting closer. I jump in front of the train, but in front of me, a strange fissure materializes, like a crack in space emitting a blinding blue light. I feel my body being sucked into the fissure. I'm falling into a strange place.
I see infinite images passing before me at an astonishing speed. They are images of places and people I have never seen, but they seem familiar. I see those same people age and die. I feel a searing pain in my chest, as if I were being stabbed. I feel my body burn and then freeze. The pain is too much to bear. I close my eyes.
I wake up.