I don't want to do to Oliver what my father did to mom.
Is what I've been trying to do, really wrong? Was I wrong?
"Headmaster Mia doesn't like the Queen, neither does she likes fangs' parents, because as his master, she definitely knows what that kid might have gone through better than anyone. You will be here through the year, and though the Ministry will come on some occasions, it's Mia who rules the Academy, not them. They have influence but that's it, she's the law. Since again, not even the Queen messes with her. Mia is a force to be reckoned with entirely," No shite?!
She is the Crone, after all!
"As long as you stay in here, Hel, neither the Queen, nor fangs' parents will be able to harm you in anyway. Mia cares for him more than she does the other students, everyone knows that. She's shamelessly biased to him, and she'll be to you now that you're mates. She was close to Shay too, if I'm not wrong, so that might be one more reason for her."
Oh, he doesn't know. "Actually," I turned to look at him. "Mia is apparently my godmother," in more ways than he can imagine. "She told me on my second day in here. So, I think that puts me in her list of favorite kids for sure. And," I chuckled softly, "Abellona is her great-something granddaughter."
His eyes widened, "What? That's so unfair. No wonder Abellona is such a strong vampire. Again, I never fought with her, but I know she is strong as hell. And I had no idea Mia was close enough to Shay to be your godmother. But I'm glad that's the case, because it adds an extra layer of protection over you."
Well, a deity can do a lot indeed.
"So," he put a wild curl of my hair behind my ear, "you should throw this stupid idea of breaking your mating bond aside, kid. I don't want you to commit the same mistake Russell did," ugh. He knows how to hit where it hurts. "That's not fair with you, or with your mate, no matter if the mate in question is fangs. I do not want to tell you what to do, Hel, but I want you to think better about this, because I know it's a horrible idea. And if fangs is very aware of this, enough that you fought about it, he might feel as if you don't trust him, that you don't have faith that your love will survive even through the Queen or anyone else."
I flinched at the idea, remembering Oliver's words, his tears, the heartbreaking pain, the fear, how I couldn't give him the reassurance he was pleading me to, how I didn't promise him what he needed me too, how he thinks he's unworthy of me when it's the total opposite. "I… I don't want to do to him, what Russell did to my mom," I can't do that to him. I had no idea mom went through a similar situation. I never gave much though to it.
My eyes fell on Oliver, still frozen and my heart clenched. He has not given me any reason not to want this. He's been perfect to me in every single thing. Perfect doesn't even begin to resume what he's been to me. And what have I given him back? Insecurity. Unsureness. Uncertainty.
"Ugh, I'm such a bloody bitch," I cried to myself.
He caressed my hair and then my cheek, making me look at him. "Do you love him, Hel? Do you love Oliver? Does he loves you?"
"He loves me. He loves me too much," I whispered, feeling guilty.
"What about you, darling?" The kindness in his voice broke me.
"Of course, I love him. There's no way I wouldn't love that bloody bastard," I cried, looking at him again. "He… he calls me beautiful like it's my name, father. He treats me like I've never been treated before. Even if I keep acting like a jerk, he keeps treating me with all his kindness. He loves me and he shows it. Oliver doesn't press me on it, he promised he would do everything in his power to make me love him like he loves me, to make me believe… I'm… worthy of it," as he caressed my back, I shook with tears.
"I can feel his emotions, father. Mia said our bond is different since I'm a winged-serpent. We can both read each other's minds and feel each other's emotions. His love is so… pure and overwhelming. He loves me so bloody deeply, and he tells me every time. He lays himself for me, opened up about everything, and he accepted me entirely. He… he kissed all my scars as if they're stars. He looks at me as if I'm the most precious thing in his entirely life."
"It's too much. Too pure. Too overwhelming. Too real. Too strong. He reads me like a book, and knows every single thing. He thinks of me all the time, and he is crude about it. He doesn't keep it to himself, he doesn't hide it, he shows it in every move and word and action. He went through so much, and he's so strong, so perfect, so beautiful inside and out… I'm so broken and fucked up, even when I try to help, I end up hurting him. I don't know what to do, father," I cried.
"A part of me doesn't think I'm worthy. That I'm not enough for him, even though he thinks he's not enough for me. A part of me wants to free him so he could find someone better, someone put together, with less trouble in the baggage. But the bigger part of me doesn't stand the thought of him with anyone else, or away from me at all, even if it's for the best. I'm conflicted," I looked at him, tears rolling down, "what do I do?"
"Ah, kid," he hugged me tight, pressing his chin on my head softly. "You should let go of this idea. It is a waste of your time, darling. The bond is unbreakable, it'll only hurt you two more if you insist on it. He must be hurting intensely because of it. Hurting him will only hurt you more. The mating bond is able to connect two souls like nothing else can, and it's rare and special. Don't let go of this just because you're afraid. Fight against what you fear with him. I've never met my mate, but I know wouldn't let go of them for nothing. So, this is the advice I give you."
"Again, I can only give you my advices, the choice is in your hands, it's yours to make. But you have to remember the mating bond is between two people, not one. All decisions need to be made by the two of you, in a consensus. The moment you know he'll never give up on this, you should have thrown the idea out of the window and stood with him, to make your bond work, darling. That's what I learned from your mom and Russell's bond. As I said before, this is a horrible idea. The worse."
I gulped, "I know. But it was to protect him."
"It's not like he'll stop loving you even if you broke what cannot be broken, Hel. I know where you're coming from, but the emotions you feel are not projected by the mating bond. They are not fake. I get your intentions, darling, but it's a stupid idea," he glared at me. "Dumb, even."
My cheeks heated and I choked on a laugh, "It's a desperate one."
"Desperately stupid, then!" He gave me a crooked grin, cleaning my tears from my cheeks. "So, he doesn't know you love him?"
"I'm too much of a coward to say it. But he knows. I think he knows because he keeps teasing me about it," it's hard to hide when he can feel my feelings. "And again, we can feel what the other feels."
"And… you can still not say it?" No accusations on his voice.
"No. I'm scared. The second I say it, there's no going back."
He chuckled, "Afraid of commitment, darling?"
That made me blush harder, "That's not it. I'm just, scared. The whole thing scares me. The second I officially accept our mating bond, we will be stuck with one another for as long as we live, which, if all works out, will be a bloody long time."
It'll mean he'll be my King and I'll be his Queen. We'll potentially get married and even might end up having a family. I'll be bound to the Circle for second party forever too, and we'll pretty much breath each other and stay together all the time. He'll be totally mine as he claims he already is and I'm be fully his as he wants me to be.
Not to mention what he promised me...
"You're strawberry red," he gave me a suspicious look.
"It's just too much," in more ways than I can tell him.
"So," he arched his eyebrows at me, "will you, please, stop trying to play cupid with me and Hanna? I don't want to give hope to her."
I bit my bottom lip, "Alright. Sorry. I liked her, and I thought you were into… ugh, you know who. I'm sorry for that, I've been wrong about this for years. So, what's your type in a more literal way? Was it mom's looks, personality, race?"
Now who's strawberry red, uh? "Just her. Everything she was. I'm not someone who is obsessed with race purity, at all. I do want to find my mate, but that won't change the fact that my first love was Shay. And I want to be mated to someone strong, who can kick my arse, who will mess with me back. Yes, being hot is an amazing extra. I like them tall too," then the idiot paused his hand a palm above my head, "at least around here."
Excuse me?