It was early in the morning, and the sun had barely broken through the horizon. We had just finished our early routine of exercise, and we were waiting for breakfast. This time, I had not done my full round as usual since this was mom's first time coming with us, the second reason been because for the first time had I gotten a good night rest. I would usually wake up at one or two in the morning, not been able to fall asleep once again, would I do some exercise.
That was my routine after all, making my body bear the stress until knocking me out, it was the only way at my disposal to get some rest. But doing it that way was making my body take it's toll, and over time would not be beneficial. Alcohol was not really a good answer either, but since it was within my reach this time, might as well. I still had a hidden bottle, which my mom had asked me about, but my answer was that I finished them all.
Not knowing how to explain, and knowing there was no way they could ever understand my circumstances, made me feel helpless. I couldn't sleep, or maybe I just didn't want to. Every moment or opportunity where I could rest, my mind would always wonder to the past, even now, sitting there at the table, all my thought were on the past. I would tune out the sounds and presences of everyone, and I would just zone out, only until someone snap me back to the present by calling me loudly or physically touch me would I respond.
That was the reason I resorted to torture my body until it could no more, then I could fall unconscious. It was not a proper rest, and it could lead to unhealthy problems further ahead, but it would have to do for now. Resorting to alcohol was not appropriate either as that would delay the result I wanted for my body, but once in a while was just fine.
Right now, my priority was to push my body to its limit as much and fast as possible. Once reaching a necessary threshold, would I need resources from the rifts to strengthen my body. Not much time was left until D-Day, and the days ticked away faster than one might think. Time was of the essence and there were many things that had to be done, not just for myself, but my family, and the rest of the world.
But here I was, sitting at a table, waiting for breakfast to be serve, and be scolded for drinking last night. It made me a little irritated as there was nothing else I could do for the moment. I needed to be a bit stronger to venture into a rift to search for anything usable, and equipment was necessary as well, which I had no idea how to procure for the moment. Many things needed to be done, and only by doing them one step at a time could I be able to accomplish them. Finding my own rhythm was the best, and this was the pace I was most accustom from the past, something I was already used to.
"Are you not hungry?" Mom asked, snapping me back to the present.
The food had already been served on the table and both my sister and mom were ready to start eating.
"Right, yeah I am." With that, we started eating.
My sister would glance at me from time to time, but I ignore it. I assumed that all my actions might seem bizarre and strange to them. I also know that the way my personality was before I came was extremely different from how I am now, but there was nothing I could do about. In fact, I didn't want to do anything about it, but for their sake, I made small sacrifices and tried just a bit to blend in.
Half way through breakfast, my mom could not hold it in any longer.
"Why did you drink last night?" She asked me with a cold voice.
My mind was blank, I didn't even want to ponder for an excuse, and to tell her the truth would bring more annoying questions or maybe disbelief. I just sat there, staring at my food, not answering nor eating. My cheek still felt hot after she slapped me from the morning.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" She pressured more.
I glanced at her indifferently, this was not the gaze of a young and naïve boy, this was the gaze of a seasoned and tired fighter who had taking the life of countless monsters on the battlefield. One who had experience countless arduousness and strenuousness moments in life. The façade of the young boy I had placed before them was slowly breaking apart, and the man with scars from countless battles was starting to show.
The atmosphere instantly turned cold, and the tension in the air was dense. Even if it was just a few days since he came, he was tired to fake who he was. He was tired from the moment he arrived with life itself, much less act like a young boy.
Her gaze was fixed on me, but I could tell the subtle fear and nervousness within them. The reason I dropped all pretenses right now, was because I wanted to tell her everything, the whole truth. I wanted for her to believe me wholeheartedly and to prepare for the future, but...
It was not the right moment.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." I bowed my head, dispersing the tense atmosphere.
They were my family, and I loved them very much. For them, I could endure some hardships. I was mainly irritated with myself at the moment, for wasting precious time doing nothing, but there was nothing I could do. Taking it out on them was not what I wanted either,
"It will not happen again, mom. I promise!" The façade of the young boy slowly returned.
Her gaze slowly steadied itself, and soon returned to that of a confident mother.
"Mmmh." She nodded, more likely reassuring herself.
"As long as you understand, it's fine. Finish eating, it'll get cold."
"Right." I nodded.
Slowly, the awkward atmosphere disperse, and everything returned to normal. Allison was really nervous for some reason, and she didn't have the courage to speak moments ago. But now was different.
"Brother, do you like to drink?" Allison asked innocently.
Glancing sideways at her, I could tell that it was just a pure and innocent question. Everyday I passed with her made my heart soft little by little without knowing. Her innocent and pure attitude was something I was not used to, and her bright and shining eyes full of vitality was something I enjoyed to see. Without knowing, I tended to tell her the truth, and she would believe me without question.
"Not really, but it helped me."
"Helped you? How?"
"Well..."
"I've been having nightmare lately and I have not been able to rest properly."
"Ooooh, I see." She nodded to herself. "Is that the reason you wake up at night to exercise?"
"You knew?" I asked, a little surprised.
She nodded.
"The other day I saw you running outside, it was like 1 or 2 in the morning."
"What where you doing awake at that hour you little..." I rubbed her hair, making it a mess.
"Hey!! I just went to the bathroom ok??" She pulled away from me, annoyed.
"You've been having nightmares and exercising at that hour?" Mom asked, bewildered.
"Ummh, yeah." I slightly nodded.
"Since when?" Mom asked.
It felt different talking about this things with my mom than my sister. For some reason, I was not as open with her as I was with Allison, and she seemed to noticed this as well.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Right, mom. I can't sleep at night, can you help me?" I was a little annoyed by then, saying something like this would be something any teenager would say, probably...
"Well, I don't know, maybe we could go to a doctor or something."
"I know the reasons for my own problems, it's just that I don't have many solutions." I answered.
"Was that the reason you drank yesterday?" Allison asked.
"Yeah, a bit..." It was half right, the other reason was because I really wanted a drink.
"Does it help you sleep better?" Allison asked.
"It does...It numbs your senses and helps you relax." I nodded.
"What are you saying Anthony??!!" Mom exclaimed.
"Well...it does." I shrugged.
"Anthony!! Please don't teach this things to your little sister." Mom reprimanded.
"It is not a lie, and it's good to know this things." I rebuked.
"Anthony!!!" I believed this was mom's limit.
"Sister, what I said it's true, but..." I glanced at mom, which was glaring at me in silence.
"If you abuse it constantly, it will hurt you instead. You'll become addicted, and in the long run you'll suffer for it." I gave my sister a steady stare. "Besides, it tastes like crap, and it's expensive."
"Mmmh" She nodded. "Ok."
With that, my mom slightly calmed down.
"So you'll been having trouble sleeping, and you said you knew why?" Mom inquire.
"Yeah..."
"Is this related to what happened a week ago?" Both my sister and mom stared at me.
"Yeah..."
"...."
"...."
"...."
I imagined that they remembered clearly how messed up I was those days, but I myself don't. Seeing them remain quiet bothered me.
"No need to worry, I'll handle it." I stood up and placed my plate on the sink. "I'll wash them after I take a shower."
They both stared at me in silence as I locked myself in the bathroom.
It was late in the afternoon when dad finally arrived.
I watched from a distance as he hugged mom and my little sister by the entrance door. It was a happily family reunion, having been separated for some time now, it was an expected reaction from them.
"Hi!! I missed my little cutie!!" Dad happily exclaimed, taking Allison in his arms.
"Daddy!!" Allison beamed with joy.
All three of them were blazing with happiness. Right, this is what I wanted to protect, this was exactly the reason for all my hard work this past few days. It's true that I used exercise as an excuse to sleep, but that was secondary. The main reason has always been to strengthen myself as much as possible, I needed power to protect that which is important to me. The sky will fall one day, and I needed the strength to shoulder that weight, for my family at the very least. I still had a long way to go...
"Son?" They all stared at me.
This was my family, the family that I once had, and tragically lost. I had lived through so much, and I had lost so much across the years...
Was I really allowed to be a part of such a precious thing? This was my family, and the love I had for them was bone deep. But...my hands felt dirty, for some reason, I felt like I didn't belong. They were so shiny and bright, clean and pure, while me, on the other hand...
I knew I was broken, and the scars I carried with me...they don't belong here. 'I' don't belong here, all that pain and sadness I carry...they don't belong here. I don't want my dirty and scarred hands to approach them. The kid they knew as Anthony, was long gone, and will never return.
"Honey?" Mom asked, a little worried.
"Bother?" Allison sounded worried as well.
I looked at my hands, yes, they were dirty, scarred, and bloodied. They didn't belong here, but with this hands, I'll protect them. They were strong, and weathered through time. When the sky falls, this hands will shoulder the weight, when fire approaches my family, my hands will shield them, and when enemies attack, my hands will kill a path forward, for my family. This is what my hands will be meant to do from now on, this is exactly what they knew to do to perfection.
As I stood there, staring at my hands, my little sister approached me and pulled me. Her hand felt small and tender, clean and pure, contrasting the feelings I had for my own.
"Son." My dad stared at me, his gaze warm.
Without waiting for anything, he hugged me in a warm embrace. He felt strong and steady, confident in himself, radiating warm and comfort to those close to him.
This was what true family was, you give warm, without expecting anything in return.
Having experience hardships and tremendous pain right before returning, had me feeling as if something had been missing within me. A deep scar had been imprinted in my heart as I lost my companions, and love. Even though I believed that no amount of time existed to cure such things, but this helped a bit. It made it less hard to keep on standing, to keep on walking forward.
Tears started to run down my cheeks, and I returned his hug.
"Dad..." His embrace felt really, really warm right now.
My mom and sister stared at us for a bit, then joined us in the hug. This was finally my true reunion with my family. Now. I really feel like I came back, like a warrior returning home from an endless battle.
Yeah, this helps a bit. It feels like they were keeping together my shattered soul, and mending it together with warm love. It was all beautiful and all, but...
If only it could be this simple...
After the beautiful family reunion, we ate dinner. We were all at the table, enjoying simple pizza with drinks. It was delicious, I had forgotten such flavors and deliciousness. Every bite was just an explosion in my mouth.
"So...I heard you stole our liquor?" Dad went straight to the point.
I wasn't expecting such a change in the mood, and I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Ummh..."
"He said because it helped him to sleep." Allison jumped in.
"What?" Dad asked.
"He said he can't seem to sleep because he's been having nightmares, right bother?" Allison beamed at me to acknowledge her statement.
"yeah...something like that."
"Mmmmh" He grabbed his chin and pondered silently. "I have a few sleeping pills that could help you, I used them to help me rest when I take a plane. Is there a reason you've been having nightmares?"
"There is..."
"Honey..." Mom placed her hand in my arm. "We only want to help."
"Yeah, we only want to help you, son. If there is anything troubling you, you can count on us." Dad's gaze was firm, warm and reassuring.
"Yeah, bother. We are family after all." Allison beamed at me, her eyes blazing with fiery passion.
They warm and comforting words touched my heart, with tears threatening to escape. Swallowing the rock that was forming in my throat, I suppressed my emotions. Yeah, this was family alright, you can't fake this anywhere else.
Pondering on what to do, what to say, and what to expect, was always the problem.
"There are things I want to say, and my words will sound unbelievable." I firmed my strong gaze on them all. "My words will sound...crazy. But..." I slightly pondered, trying to use the right words.
"But...no matter what I say or how I say it, you won't believe me." I dropped my gaze, wavering. 'What am I saying, I wouldn't believe me either.'
How many times have people heard that disasters will happen, that the world will end. Many times have we seen them in movies, and read them in books, but that was just that, fiction. How many people have actually believed such words? Perhaps people might have the thought in the back of their minds, but that would be all. Very, very few people might have prepare something in advance, but for the rest?? Now that the end was really coming, how many people will survive? How many people will believe??
"You can trust in us, son." Dad reassured.
"Mmmh, you can, honey." Mom squeezed my arm, sending warmth and comfort through.
Here goes nothing.
"The end of the world." I firmly said, looking at each of them. "The end of the world is coming."