Liam sat in one of the waiting room chairs of the hospital emergency room, his blood
coated hands shaking but he barely noticed. He was stuck in his own personal
purgatory. Unaware if he was in heaven or hell and those that could free him from
that unfortunate in between wouldn't tell him what he needed to know.
His throat was extremely dry and painful from the shouting he had done in those agonizing moments as he held his hands to the one of the most serious of the lacerations on her once perfect body now marked by the violence she had gone through.,'my poor girl,' the thought reverberated across his mind like a loud church bell triggering a wave of shivering no longer limited only to his hands but to his whole body. No one noticed
his overwhelming turmoil in the cold waiting room as it seemed all those within were
all stuck in their own heads.
A single tear fell from his left eye and he shut both eyes and put his head down as he
slowly succumbed to his pain and grief. Then the softest touch on his shoulder broke
the hold the grief had on him. It was a touch he recognized and loved above all others.
"My big teddy bear, are you being a cry baby again?" Suzie's soft and sunny voice teased as she poked his big shoulder. Liam stayed silent as he tried to compose himself. She always liked to tease him like this over all the years they had been together. He was such a big and strong detective in the police force and for him to be such a big softie was their inside joke.
His hand reached out to hold her's on his shoulder and he took comfort in her
presence but did not look at her due his own guilt for his own part in this. " How is
our girl, babe?" she asked in a slightly worried voice and that triggered his own fears and also his automatic desire to be strong for his wife. He cleared his throat and in a gruff voice he could scarcely recognize as his own he said, "she was taken into
surgery 30 minutes ago, she will be alright. We just have to wait for her. Leah's a
fighter just like us."She murmured her agreement and then he felt her place her head on his shoulder likeshe always liked to do, 'cuddling my teddy' she called it. Such a familiar action brought some semblance of normalcy to this alternate and horrific version of the life he knew as his own. "you know, its not your fault babe. Stop blaming yourself because you could not have known it would end this way," she said to him lovingly, always his first defender, always first to forgive, always letting him get away with his bullshit. But he could not take her forgiveness now. He was not worthy of it.
He only shook his head silently, he could not accept her gracious heart in this moment
because he truly had monumentally fucked up and now his life would never be the
same.
"Liam, I said it was not your fault, don't shut me out and do not carry this sin
on your soul my Teddy," she said a sharp threatening edge lacing her voice as her arm
tightened around his own pulling her tighter to him. Even then he could recognize that
her love for him as she only ever wanted him to be happy.
"I can't do it Suze, not this time. This time I can't let you defend me, the cost has
been too high," regret was all his voice possessed in that moment.
" You big lug, always so stubborn. Why do you always have to carry the world on
your shoulders. Stop wallowing baby, just be here in this moment. Worry and love but
do not let guilt colour everything."
" How can I do that? You know that I brought this to our door. I played tag with the
devil and now those I love suffer the consequences. Our poor Leah," he bitterly said as the door to the emergency room opened. He sharply raised his head then in
expectation. Unfortunately it was the doctor and nurses for another patient who came
with solemn looks on their faces. He watched as a young man who seemed to be in his mid 20s talked to them. The young man then let out a yell of grief and fell to his knees and racking sobs hit him.
The feeling of hope slowly died in Liam's heart and despair slowly crept into his own
heart. He couldn't draw his eyes from the young man who the nurses were slowly
trying to console when Suzie suddenly touched his face. Her hand slowly stroked his cheek, he knew instinctively that she wanted him to look at her so hesitantly he turned his gaze slowly to meet her eyes. His brown met her gorgeous black with the flecks of light in them. He had always loved her eyes and could stare at them indefinitely.
He drank in her face then. She was as beautiful as ever however he knew that he
would see what he dreaded.
As his gaze fell lower and lower he saw them, the cut at her neck, raw, the hole above
her heart, so very bloody. Her dress soaked in blood and yet the monster had spared
her face. So even then as disfigured as he had left her, Liam found her beautiful. Tears
entered his eyes and she gave him a sad smile. "It wasn't your fault my love, never
ever believe that it was. I do not blame you so please don't lay blame at your own feet.
It was that evil man's fault," she said as she gripped his face in her hand, her eyes
fierce showing how earnestly she believed what she said.
He saw only love in her eyes then and finally allowed himself to drop the guilt and
self blame he had been poisoning himself with. He could finally be there in that
moment waiting to find out if he would lose his daughter or if he still had a place in
this distorted world. He looked at Suzie then, aware that she couldn't stay but silently
asking her to stay with him, if not forever then only until he got the news about Leah.
She could always read him like an open book and she nodded her head and smiled at
him. He smiled back and he watched the ER door once more and once more she
cuddled her teddy