Empty is just empty, no matter how you put it. I was always empty, I will never stop feeling empty.At the end of the day I always ended with loss, rarely have I won. I feel as if I screw everything up.The feeling of bliss is an unknown feeling to me, every experience that is supposed to feel good just ends up feeling uncomfortable. I find this strange because I try to step out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel as if I mess things up, and for this reason I believe this is why I mess things up. It seems very selfish for me to think that I can just blame the reason that I was just born this way, that I can't help it, but it's true. I do things that I'm unaware of, I do things that people dislike, some people may find it uncomfortable and it hurts when they feel bad and just say nothing. People pity me and refuse to meet me halfway when it comes to telling me how they feel, if they feel hurt, if they feel bothered, and I just can't help but ask If I bother them.

I want out of this loop but I can't, I want to be free but I can't be free, I have accepted this ideology and until the day I die I will be stuck, I will live with it. I wish I was able to feel, I wish I was able to love. I dread this idea, which itself is a hypocrisy and I dread myself for that as well. I wish I could speak my mind less, I wish I could speak my heart more. Everything I say here seems edgy, it seems dramatic but unfortunately that's the painful truth to it. I'm not trying to speak to you with malic, I'm not trying to intimidate (Even though this isn't intimidating.), I am just trying to inform.

When I write this I don't see it as speaking to a group but rather a person, to each individual that picks it up and interprets it as they please. I don't want your sympathy, I'm genuinely insane, I am an unhealthy individual who belongs but doesn't. My existence alone is just an existence without.

Despite the lack of feeling but still the abundance, I keep sane. I am not genuinely evil, I have no intention of malice, I believe that doing good isn't a waste, it's logical to help others feel even if you don't. I don't need to understand to make others feel better, I just need to acknowledge it as something of truth, a pseudoscience in my mind but a science to others. At the end of the day it's people like me who creates stuff like communism, people like who creates ideologies solely based on ideas that cut out human nature, that leave it as an unknown or irrelevant factor, but at the end of the day It still matters, and that is why I am still sane. I've always wondered, if not for my lack of understanding, for the convection of my ideas; Would I be crushed under the weight of what I missed? Or will I experience a horrible depression of finding out that nothing was there to begin with. Sometimes I say things with malice, things that I don't mean, things that would be interpreted as funny, sometimes they miss their mark, sometimes I can't convey my words properly. I sound like a dick for saying this but I have no malice behind everything I say, I just want to connect with people like everyone else, through my own way yet I still fail. Sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to be angry, sometimes I want to be happy. But at the end of the day, when the smoke clears, when the fog settles, all that is left is nothing, there is nobody there to fill that gap, there is nobody there who will understand because that is all there is too it, the lack of understanding, the prison of unknowing.