The words: 'I want to break up' are never easy to hear. If anything they are possibly the worst words in the entirety of language put together. In any language.
I have had those words thrown at me many times over. And what followed was a reconstruction of myself in many ways and cycles. I have changed personalities, hairstyles, and clothing styles after hearing those words. World entered and left after those words.
Which makes the fact, that I am now standing in the bathroom mirror practicing those words to myself, so much harder to believe. I got up around six A.M. and I am trying my best to be quiet. So that the target of these words in the other room can't hear me.
"Listen...Jun-Ho. I-I want to break up," I whisper, letting my face relax and tense in the mirror. It is an awful sight.
"It's not you it's me. You are wonderful! In you own special...wonderful way. Ugh."
I sigh into my hands and rest my elbows on the counter. I have never been the one to initiate a break-up. I have always been the one that has been broken up with. Not for any fault of mine, expect maybe my taste in flings and partnerships.
But with Jun-Ho, things felt right for so long. I felt right for so long. For three long years. Plus the little hints of my current mode haven't been reaching him. At this point I've been trying to get him to dump me. But no luck there. I look in the mirror from the space in between my fingers. No, this needs to be done. I get up close to my face in the mirror and bare my teeth, widening my eyes.
"You can do this. No mercy, just like a brand aid. Done in a fla-,"
"What are you doing?" Jun-Ho asks from the bathroom door. I jump back from the mirror, startled. He is not suppose to be up this early.
"Ah! You aren't suppose to be up this early!" I tell me, grabbing at my chest and looking him up and down.
He stands in his blue boxers and shirtless. His lean and well-toned body rested against the door frame. Long hair framing wide shoulders and strong jaw. I love his hair almost as much as I love his face. High brows and a slight nose with low cheekbones that frame lips plump and struck by cupid's bow. Eyes, honey brown with tired bags from the monitors he stares at daily.
The worst part of us breaking up is that I won't be able to view this beautiful sight anymore. Tragic.
"I thought I would see you off to work today," he says as he makes his way across the floor to give me a kiss on the cheek. He then goes for his own toothbrush and tooth paste.
That's weird, he never does that. His work starts later in the day and is right around the block. He does need to be up for another four hours. He hates to be up this early. I stare at him as he takes a large yawn but continues to brush his teeth.
"Why," I ask, he chuckles and spits into the sink.
"Why not?" He replies.
"I mean like it is 6 A.M. in the morning. The earliest I've ever seen you up was 9:30 A.M...on a Saturday." I say as he washes his face to wake himself up.
"Well, maybe today is special." He says and then turns to me and gives me a quick hug. "I'm going to shower now and it's not six, its 7:30 A.M."
Special? But don't even have time to process that thought as the words, 7:30 A.M, hit my brain. I'm late! I am absolutely, ridiculously late. I gasp audibly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I sprint out of the bathroom to my closet and throw the doors open.
"I tried but you were making weird faces in the mirror." He says as he turns to close the door behind him, then runs the shower.
Unbelievable. I savage through my wardrobe to find a viable outfit of the day. Considering going a bit more professional but settle on jeans and a works shirt with my best comfortable heels. My work was an thirty minutes commute by train and I needed to leave early to catch the right one. Or I'd have to take the next one and that added another thirty minutes to my commute.
The London underground, can't hate or love it. It's just what it is.
I rush to the kitchen in my new clothes and take some bread, eggs and an apple out the fridge. Recalling what Jun-ho said in the bathroom. Special? There was nothing special about today. It wasn't our anniversary. It wasn't his birthday either. And it wasn't my birthday. Could he have been promoted? No, he would have told me the second he got back yesterday.
The thing about Jun-ho Kim is that he works like clockwork. He doesn't do think out of character unless there is a deeper reason to do so. And today's early wake up must be part of the deeper reasoning.
I think about this more as I make my breakfast of a eggs on toast with some fruit on the side. I brew some tea to sip as I sit and think about my practice session in the mirror.
Just like a band aid. Gone and done in a flash.
As I finish my breakfast, he exists the bedroom and steals the crust of my toast off my plate. If I didn't know any better I'd say that that was his favorite meal.
"So what were you doing in the mirror," he asks.
"Huh?"
"When I walked in earlier, what were you doing?" He repeats and chews a bit of my toast. I try my best to stay cool.
"Nothing, I mean - there is this new client coming in soon for their cook book. And I guess I want to be in tiptop editor shape." I reply, cursing my tongue at the end. Tiptop? What kind of person say that anymore.
He nods slowly, like this makes any sense. I take my plates and wash them before trying to find some work excuse to leave. At the door, he stops me and takes me forearms into his palms. He looked very somber suddenly.
"I've reads you signs," He says, and my stomach drops.
"You have?" My voice squeaks.
"Yeah, they were sort of obvious." I try to get a word out but he cuts me off. "Don't say a word, we can have a big discussion tonight."
"Really?" I ask, he nods his head.
"Really, don't worry about it, we can talk about it more when it happens." he replies and I am now even more confused.
But nevertheless, I nod and head out the door. Does he wants to break up with me instead? Maybe that is a good thing, I guess.
I try to shake the thoughts out of my head and leg it to the nearest station. Hoping that I can make it in time to catch my preferred line. It is a tight fit on the train, with elbows and body odor everywhere but I manage. Time for work.
~~~
There is something about working in a corporate office that changes you as a human being. It comes with a lot of pluses like a paycheck and office drama but has a lot of negatives like office politics and your eternal soul. Of course, I'm joking but that is what I would feel like all the time if my best friend wasn't here with me.
"Well, the Queen finally graces us with her presence. Please do save us!" Ajay says sarcastically as I enter the main editorial office.
Ajay Babu has been my best friend since our last year at uni. When we both found out that we were both people of color with an internship at the same major publishing house. The company valued people who could speak different languages; his mother tongue was Hindi and mine, Spanish.
We naturally clicked, I was there for him when he came out to his family. He was there for me through all my horrible breakups.
Despite having healthier hair than me, he kept it short in a buzzcut. Exposing his large ears and brown nape. His dark large eyebrows helped even out the contrast, making him look domineering though he was a bit of a softy. He always cries at the end of the sound of music. And he watches it every year on Christmas. He says it is a staple Christmas movie. I disagree but love him regardless.
"There you go again with your 'jokes'," I do air quotes as I say the the word jokes and settle into my chair and desk. Login into my office laptop. "What is the situation? Has Tim brought the client in yet?"
"No," he answers, walking over to lean by my desk. "I swear it is because he was waiting for you. He wants to impress you because he managed to sign the contract with a very famous chef."
He pulls a mockingly sad face and pouts his lips.
"Like a cat with a dead bird for its owner." I shove him away from my desk as he stumbles laughing.
"Would you get off of that idea. Tim doesn't like me like that and even if he did, I'm in a relationship." He rolls his eyes and I can't help but subconsciously agree with him.
"A relationship that you are preparing to end. How is that going by the way?"
"It's...going." I say, cringing at my words.
"Uhuh," He deadpans and rests in his chair, that is not far from mine. "You do you, honey."
"Listen, you know how I feel about breakups. I don't like them. Receiving or giving. And Jun-ho is -"
"So great." We say in unison. I turn to face him as he raises his eyebrows.
"You say the same thing every time but you are still unhappy and have been unhappy for some time. There needs to be a change." His words are hard but eyes are soft as he says this.
He is right. I know he is right but still I sulk all the same.
"Well, even if I wasn't in a relationship. Work related relationship never end well. Remember Greg?"
"Oh, Greg! What an absolute trollop he was. Beautiful face though."
"Yeah, Gorgeous. So gorgeous that 15 other people seemed to think so as well." I said aggressively hammering into my computer keys. "I was lucky to just get an STI."
"Yes, and a large sack of trauma." He says, turning his chair like a little merry go round. He is then startled in his chair as he sees Tim across the way.
"Speaking of a large sack of trauma, the boss is in the area. Quick, look busy!" He mock whispers and types loudly. I inwardly rolls my eyes and stand to face Tim as he enters the room.
"Hey, I see you finally made it in." He chides lightly. But before I can explain or apologize he lifts waves it off.
"Doesn't matter, the client says that they would arrive tomorrow. They wanted a full meeting with everyone here for some reason. Just don't be late next time, okay?"
I nod as he turns to face Ajay, his face remains neutral but his eyes become set and cold.
"Ajay, good morning."
"Morning Tim. You look nice today. Real macho."
Tim stiffens, coughs then mumbles a 'thank you' and a 'get back to work then' before turning and leaving. Ajay chuckles through his nose.
"You guys are still so distant after all these years." I say, turning to face him. "Ever thought of burying this hatchet?"
Ajay scoffs loudly.
"Like I'd ever clear the air with someone who hates me for being me." He says bitterly. "Total shithead. You remember what he said, don't you?"
I remember how you cried after.
But I don't say that to how or he'd stare daggers at me.
"Yeah, alright. Send me your revisions already." I say instead. Finally beginning my work for the day.
Time passes and before I know it I'm in front of the apartment door. I sigh, resting slightly on the door. What should I do? Am I really ready for this talk? I take a deep breath.
No, I wanted this. When if it would be hard to move afterwards. I needed to end this now. I steel my nerves and turn the key, opening the door.
I walk into the apartment, setting my bag and shoes by the door. Soon I realize that it is pitch black. Expect for a faint light and sound in the kitchen.
"Jun-ho? Hey, what is going o-," My question is stopped short when I turn into the kitchen.
Its covered in rose petals and the acoustic version of 'The Reason' by Hoobastank plays from a speaker. Candles light up the room romantically and Jun-ho is on his knees with a ring box unopened, his hair tied back and a nervous look in his eyes.
"Marie Martell. Will you marry me?" He opens the box to a golden ring, and tries to smile slightly.
All I can think in this moment is that God might have a sick sense of humor with my life. Because what. the. heck?!