The bookstore isn't planning to open tomorrow either, so we spend the evening simply talking. By the time Cody and I return to our room, the night has deepened, wrapping the world in quiet stillness. The hour is late, but sleep feels far away for both of us.
Cody flops onto the edge of the bed, his gaze fixed absently on the floor. He seems disconnected, lost in a labyrinth of thoughts. It doesn't take a genius to see that something heavy is weighing on his mind.
I find myself moving items from one spot to another, not because it's necessary, but as if to distract myself from the strange heaviness pressing my chest.
"You could just sit down and ask what's bothering you. You're going to wear a hole in the floor." Cody breaks the silence and glances up, a faint smile tugging at his lips, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
I stop fidgeting and sit down beside him, my voice soft. "You look.... stressed. What are you thinking about?"
"Don't know. I just..." Cody sighs, his eyes still glued to the floor. "I didn't expect any of this. And... honestly, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now."
"You don't have to figure it all out right now," I say, furrowing my brows as I watch him. "And you definitely don't have to do it alone."
He lets out a bitter laugh, running a hand through his hair. "Time's not exactly a luxury we have, Nate. I wish I could just fix this mess. Fix myself. At least take one thing off your mind so you'd have less to worry about."
"Cody, hey... it doesn't bother me at all. I'm not doing this to get it off my plate. I'm doing this for you." I reach for his hand and give it a gentle squeeze.
Cody meets my gaze, and my breath catches. His eyes—God, his eyes are an entire universe, swirling with countless things happening all at once. I feel myself sinking into them, deeper and deeper, until I'm not sure if I'll ever find my way out. He looks away first, breaking the spell, and I force myself to blink, to breathe.
"Thanks," Cody says softly.
"For being the best buddy you've ever had?" I tease, trying to shake off the weight of the moment.
"Obviously," he replies with a heartfelt chuckle.
"Bit late to admit that, don't you think?" I smirk, leaning back slightly.
"Better late than never," he shoots back with a grin.
I laugh, but it feels hollow inside. We're moving at completely different paces. While Cody has finally admitted I'm a good friend, I'm already miles ahead—off the map, really. To him, I'm a friend, maybe even a close one. But for me, he's so much more than that.
"You know," I begin, my voice faltering, "I hope that when all this is over, you'll focus on what you want. That you'll be able to live without looking over your shoulder, without all this darkness hanging over you. That you'll..."
I trail off, the weight of the unspoken words settling heavily between us. That you'll find someone who makes you happy. I can't say it aloud. Not because it's a terrible cliché. I just can't bring myself to wish for it with all my heart.
"Sounds like we're never going to see each other again," Cody says, frowning slightly.
"Trust me, when you wake up tomorrow, my face will be the first thing you see. Sorry in advance." I smile faintly. "Just felt like I needed to say it."
That earns me another laugh—warm and light. "Good to know. But seriously, thanks... for everything. And, you know, for putting up with me. I'm not always the easiest person to be around."
"Could've fooled me," I say, nudging him gently.
He looks at me again, and for a moment, everything feels still. Peaceful, even. It's as if all the chaos in the world has quieted just for us. He smiles, and I do too. We sit there for a while, holding each other's gaze.
While I can't fully express my feelings, everything is already clear. This isn't just a moment of weakness. No matter how hard I try, I can't ignore these feelings for him. But when the time comes, I know I'll walk away without a second thought.
At another time, maybe I'd want to hold on, to stay. A time when I'm not constantly on edge, when my existence doesn't endanger those around me. A time when everything isn't so broken and twisted. In another life, perhaps. But for now, this is my reality.
So I'll stand by him as best I can. And when the time comes to let him go, I will—no matter how much it hurts.