POV
X
As I lay in my bed, darkness is falling in the sky, darkness is falling on me.
I'm in physical and mental pain.
My throat hurts and my mouth is so dry, it hurts to swallow down water, it's almost not even worth it to try.
Julian hasn't left the penthouse all day and although I am grateful for him, I want him to just leave already.
I'm brought back to that thought of serenity I felt, I want it back.
I now know what it was, I was gone. I didn't mean to overdose, but god damn in a way I wish I didn't wake up to this life again.
I'm feeling lost, I lost Millie, I lost the mother I hoped for my whole life was a good person and was just scared of this harsh life in the mansion, but no, she left me for selfish reasons. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my business anymore and I can't seem to get a grip on anything.
For a minute I had no worries, no pain, no problems. I will never attempt to achieve that feeling on my own again but it's something I'm currently longing for.
I know I fucked up with the alcohol and oxy, I know better than that I'm a fucking drug dealer, I know my shit but I was desperate to let go of the pain I felt for a short period and it just went too far.
I feel guilty that Julian found me. Julian and I are the closest to one another, it's always been that way. If the tables were turned I'd be devastated.
I think back to Millie and if she had known about what happened last night. She may not want anything to do with me anymore but that doesn't change the fact that she'd be devastated by the news. I just can't seem to do anything right. Her own father's life was succumbed by drugs and here I am doing the same.
I want to call Millie, just to hear her voice but I can't. I hate that I have to let her go but I need to oblige to what she wants and needs.
Julian knocks at the door.
"Yeah come in," I say.
"Hey man, you need anything?" He asks.
"A fat blunt?" I ask.
"Yeah, no you can't have that, my man," Julian says with a laugh.
"Hey man, uh I need to tell you somethin'.." he scratches the back of his head.
"What is it?" I ask with a sore throat.
"Uh I really don't want to tell you this, especially not right now, but Steph told me Millie is going on a date with someone on Saturday night, I just didn't want you to find out from someone else." He explains and the words cut through me like a fucking jagged knife.
"Wha..what?" I ask hoping his words hold no truth.
"I'm sorry man," he says carefully.
"It's fine, Julian, thanks for the heads up," I say.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks and I shake my head.
"Just go Julian," I say trying to hold myself together.
"I'll be in the living room," he says and walks out.
As soon as he leaves I rip the bedside lamp from the wall and with as much force as I can possibly handle at this point I throw it against the wall causing it to shatter, I take my glass of water, take a sip, and then chuck it against the floor.
I open my nightstand drawer, taking the note that Millie wrote me, I rip it up and I release it from my hands and onto the floor.
"Fuck you, Millie," I say meaning every word.