Hentai Shinobi Rule 54: A Hentai Shinobi must be generous. Find your sweet-tooth mates and glaze them with cream. (Credits to @Cedric Kochs)
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"Why don't you move along?"
The silence was deafening. Mikoto, Nono, and Kushina heard their hearts pounding in their chests as the youth acted like he was confronting a group of snobbish orphans with no one to turn to instead of the three highly respected individuals, each having Lord Third's ear for political and administrative matters.
"Excuse me?" Another voice traveled from the dry lips of a dark-haired bandaged individual, whose lone eye narrowed with unveiled warning as Kai, the finger-ignoring, mile-taking reputation he was aiming to create, quietly stepped forward with a scoff boasting all the righteous anger he could manage while being impatient to return to his quarters and work out some crucial information from his captive.
"You're excused. There's the door. All of you except Lord Third—get the hell out. But I don't want to be rude… and age is catching up to you guys. So, take your time. Waddle your way out without—"
"Kai, that is enough," Hiruzen interjected reproachfully.
"Nope!" Kai shot back, his foot suddenly planted on the table's edge as he leaned forward the delinquent he was. "I just had my hide almost scorched by THE Ameyuri Ringo! But fuck her and everyone that had a hand in creating our promotion mission cause I beat her to DEATH!" Spit flew with his shout as surprise colored everyone's face. "That's right! We were ambushed, and one of you had a hand in it! Don't wanna fuck off? I'll drag you by your hair across the street!"
His tone instantly grew heated. "You have no idea how difficult it was to snatch the Kiba Swords from Ameyuri—"
"You retrieved the Kiba Swords?" Danzo blurted in shock.
"And I'll peg you to death with it if you interrupt, you ingrate piece of sh—"
*Bang*
A firm fist instantly slammed Kai into the floor. The force had been shocking enough to create a loud noise.
"Heal his head, but don't wake him up." Tsunade retrieved her fist and glanced at Mikoto. Then she turned to the elders before nodding at Hiruzen. "I apologize in Kai's stead, Sensei. He's been testy since we'd been ambushed, and… well, he needs some time. But yes, he did kill Ameyuri Ringo and took the Kiba Swords."
"Did you see the corpse?" Homura spoke with the intention of confirmation as he was still in disbelief.
"Why would Ameyuri Ringo ever leave her swords for the enemy? She's known to fight till death, constantly emerging victorious on the other end until… she fought Kai. And another thing, I want to report to Sensei alone. Please, leave us."
Kai had already prepared the stage.
Testy?
Kai?
She never lied. Kai had been more active than before, constantly giggling like a fool and openly planning his…
Well, harem.
Beating Ameyuri couldn't compare to his confidence boost from Nono's unabashed interest in his dreams.
If Tsunade had to quantify it, Kai's obnoxiousness rose above 9000!
Hiruzen quietly glanced at Kai, who was playing dead, before nodding at the members of Konoha's Council.
"Phew! Thought they would never leave," Kai instantly jumped up, making Mikoto yelp.
"Sigh. You cannot regard your seniors in such a manner," Hiruzen thinned his lips. "I need you to understand one thing, Kai. No matter what, those three live and breathe for Konoha's prosperity—your prosperity. Never let the idea of them being traitors cross your lips again. Say it."
Kai clicked his tongue before deflating with a sigh. "Yep. Sorry about that, Lord Third. I'll try being more mindful next time."
"Next time?" Hiruzen grew speechless.
"Who knows," Kai shrugged. "I could be the one that kills every member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist. But Ameyuri Ringo knew where we were from the very beginning and waited for Sensei to separate from me. The rest is in Sensei's report."
Hiruzen only grew curious as he glanced at Tsunade.
Nodding, she fished out a sealed scroll.
"There are two of these," she informed, leaving it unsaid that she'd hand over the second report later.
"Hmm, let's see."
Hiruzen's gaze scanned the scroll as he steadily unfurled it to understand everything that happened during the mission except some details Tsunade purposely left out because the mission wasn't the usual sort and had a few objectives from under the table.
With his experience, Hiruzen could already fill in several gaps, but a few doubts escaped his understanding. He would like to say only Team 9 was unfortunate enough to experience failure in the missions regarding the retrieval of spies. However, of the four teams sent, including Team 9's promotion mission, only one more experienced team comprising Chunins and a Jonin succeeded. And now, after realizing how Kai instantly saw through the spy, Hiruzen formed suspicions about the spy they retrieved.
As for the other two teams, they returned with varied losses.
But two things can be true at once.
Team 9 failed their mission. They also revealed their worth.
"You all failed the mission," Hiruzen began as he returned behind his desk from his couch. Adopting a severe demeanor, Hiruzen let the silence and their failure sink in. As he expected, Mikoto appeared the most affected, followed by Nono. Although frowning, Kushina did not seem to care much, which was a surprise since the redhead set the goal of being the first Female Hokage.
From Hiruzen's point of view, it was most likely a childish declaration. Kushina would have already entered everyone's attention had she shown half the necessary drive for being the next Kage compared to filling her stomach with ramen.
Finally, Kai appeared indifferent to the result.
[Promotion Quest: Spy Extraction
Summary: Recover the spy hidden as one of Kame Clan's useless scions currently visiting a town near Konoha's western border from Iwagakure. However, the host must complete another unsanctioned mission linked to this quest to maintain the perfect record.
Rewards: 24000 Ryo; 5 SP; New Title; New Skill Tree
Failure: Host's promotion suspended; A Chance of admission into Anbu or Root; New Title; New Skill Tree]
[Failed]
"Being a chunin implies you won't receive more than necessary leniency from the administration regarding missions. Your mission must be accomplished regardless of the cost or the sacrifices."
Hiruzen frowned and reprimanded Tsunade.
"I expected more from your team, Tsunade. No matter the spy's status, you were asked to bring him into Konoha alongside Iwa's Kekkei Genkai user."
The silence was stifling after a few more harsh criticisms from Hiruzen as the girls felt increasingly meek.
It was an incredibly daunting period for the usually cheeky Nono since she felt Hiruzen's suspicious gaze scan her every other moment. She was a loner in the truest sense and wouldn't have a fantastic time once the report was finalized and her file secured by the administration.
Hiruzen cleared his throat after a moment.
"However, things could have turned for the worse. While you failed to retrieve crucial individuals, you returned with several hints that the administration will consider before setting other missions. Also, Ameyuri Ringo's demise and the retrieval of the Kiba Swords is a massive boon I see fit to leave with Team 9."
They looked at Hiruzen as he briefly lingered his hand near the desk drawer containing his pipe. Exhaling, Lord Third took his hand away before leaning back and folding his arms with a kind smile. "Being Chunins is about completing the mission first and ensuring your safety second if the first objective is compromised. I'm glad everyone survived and returned with what can be the confirmation of our biggest fears."
"I'm inclined to proceed with Team 9 and Nono Yakushi's promotion—"
"Let's go! Ramen's on me!"
"Nice!"
"Phew! I thought I'd had to return to the orphanage in failure."
Hiruzen chuckled and didn't mind the interjection before glancing at the quiet Kai.
"Do you have something to add, Kai-kun?"
"I don't deserve to be a Chunin," Kai frowned.
"What are you saying?" Mikoto chastised. "You were the best among us!"
"I know," Kai blinked. "I deserve to be promoted to a Jonin."
'Fuck my life,' Tsunade sighed. Why can't Kai ever be reasonable? She tried talking some sense into Kai during their return, but he'd been particularly adamant about this reward from the very beginning.
"Kai?" Hiruzen lifted an eyebrow as Kai looked around before shaking his head. "I want to speak with Lord Third alone… if possible." His current attitude was the complete opposite of a few minutes ago when he was ready to let loose on the Council.
"Get others to the storage room and retrieve their flak jackets, Tsunade. I wish to speak with you after all the formalities."
"Understood."
Tsunade led everyone away, leaving Kai alone with Hiruzen.
<<<>>>
Hiruzen felt slightly troubled as he locked his gaze on Kai. The youth's accomplishments were startling and brilliant, to the point Lord Third still had trouble digesting the information, but facts were cold and ruthless, indifferent to the man's urge to dismiss what he would ordinarily consider a fantasy.
Regarding Lightning Release, Ameyuri Ringo may not be as well-renowned as the Third Raikage. However, she was younger than most Jonin Elites, a young teen with massive potential. Of course, only Kai knew about her disease-riddled lungs, or Hiruzen would have other opinions about Ameyuri. Ultimately, Hiruzen couldn't fathom Kai comparing to Ameyuri in raw stats, leaving the skills and techniques up for debate—making Kai more valuable than before. Also, unlike his peers, Hiruzen wasn't known to stuff young individuals in regions of import if possible, being an outlier about not considering Genin young adults right off the bat and always maintaining a soft spot for the succeeding generations.
His bias in protecting the future generation constantly bled into his decision-making. Hiruzen would rather have his tanned hide riddled with holes if it meant protecting one additional child from the world's cruelty, no matter how idealistically naive it sounded.
Even now, when someone like Onoki had already employed Kai to perform the most outrageous tasks, Hiruzen hesitated. Danzo called it a weak mindset. Hiruzen could argue about it for days, but he honestly couldn't be bothered. Why should he answer to someone else when deciding to preserve their future? Their Sensei, Tobirama Senju, could have easily chosen anyone from Team Tobirama to act as a sacrificial pawn during Kumo's sudden rebellion, but he decided to sacrifice himself for the future generation.
All Hiruzen wanted was to uphold his predecessor's expectations because he knew he could never reinvent the wheel like the previous generation!
So, he couldn't help but momentarily avoid Kai's gaze and exhale. He hated disappointing the promising children but had to make tough decisions to provide Kai and countless others with a brighter future.
"Kai-Kun… child, nobody doubts your talents. However, you cannot expect to be promoted into a Jonin based on one merit."
"I killed Ameyuri Ringo. That's one merit, Lord Third. The second one was returning with the Kiba Swords. Please don't group the retrieval of a valuable artifact capable of being a negotiation tool with another Shinobi Village as one merit."
Hiruzen restrained a sigh.
"I cannot have a Jonin constantly question their superiors. I appreciate your drive and ambition, Kai-Kun. But you're not currently fit to advance to a Jonin. You also haven't mastered any elemental Jutsu."
"Please set a match between me and anyone you think I need to beat to become a Jonin," Kai insisted with a frown.
"The report states you want to become a Jonin—"To become an irresistible chick magnet as the youngest Jonin." Is that true?"
Kai worked his jaw. If possible, he wanted to make that reason official because his actual reasoning was… a bit embarrassing. The knowledge of his motivation in the 'wrong' hands would be disastrous and make it more challenging for Kai to live with his head held high. It would be a nightmare!
"What is it, Kai-Kun?" Hiruzen inquired. "You had been focused on your training before the mission. Why the sudden change of mind? It couldn't possibly be due to your dream, right?"
'Wow, talk about underestimating someone…' Kai scoffed internally but allowed his eyes to dart until his gaze settled on the ceiling.
Nodding, Hiruzen gestured to make the Anbu guards leave the premises.
"It's Kushina, Lord Third," Kai replied candidly.
"Kushina-Kun?" Hiruzen leaned forward with apparent interest. "What about her?"
Genuinely troubled, Kai felt a lump blocking his throat. Gulping, he took a deep breath before looking Hiruzen in the eye. Kai always felt his ideas were manic, but it wouldn't hurt to confirm their feasibility from one person who's never really gatekept his magazines from Jiraiya, right?
"Kushina is going to be the next jinchuriki," Kai's quiet words summoned a wave of discomfort within the office as Hiruzen slightly shifted, unwilling to admit how he simultaneously wanted and felt disgusted by that thought. On the one hand, a young Uzumaki full of vitality and an almost spitting image of a young Mito would prove a massive boon for Konoha as the current Jinchuriki's successor. On the other hand, Hiruzen had trouble thinking about the life Kushina would be forced to spend since then. However, the Third Hokage had no solutions.
He was no problem solver like the Second, who always seemed to be in a creative mode and managed to breathe life into the various Jutsu others could not imagine.
Worse still, Hiruzen tried and failed to live up to the First's might. Lord Third could never inspire the same awe Lord First managed to achieve during his prime.
So, it did hurt Hiruzen to rest what should be his responsibilities onto another child's shoulders. But it would not be fit for the Kage's expression to betray his emotions, which he promptly schooled.
"Indeed," Hiruzen didn't play around the bush. Kai was too intelligent and, ironically, too chaotic to be led around by the nose. "Are you worried for her safety? You are her guardian, right?" He inquired, also quick to reassure the youth. "Although the thought of Mito-Sama's end feels tragic, I assure you that Kushina won't feel alone. While she has you and her friends, I will also maintain two Anbu Operatives to protect her—"
"And keep her caged."
Kai ended the sentence, ripping all of what was left of the rotting bandaid. While he couldn't be sure about Mito's intentions, given what he 'rode' a few nights ago, Kai absolutely refused to leave things as is, at Mito's behest or anyone else's kindness.
"Hashirama Senju wasn't a Jinchuriki," Kai suddenly looked the man in the eye. A sharp glint formed from countless hours of training and restrained battle lust flashed in his dark orbs. His thin lips momentarily tugged into a short smirk as he questioned, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but when was the last time a kid my age took out an elite of Ringo's level? At most, I can think of the likes of Hashirama Senju or Madara Uchiha, and I don't mean to brag because I'm well aware of my weaknesses. I was technically a good match-up against Ameyuri Ringo because she was even worse in Sensory skills than me."
"I don't want to be a Jonin to be an irresistible chick magnet… well, that's a part of it. However, if I…" He stammered at the end.
"If you could be like Hashirama Senju… then Kushina-Kun would never have to feel worried about being used against other Jinchuriki or as a war weapon," Hiruzen quickly realized the boy's intentions, and considering everything he knew about Kai, it sounded… pure.
"I would have gladly volunteered to be the next jinchuriki, but I think you and Mito-Sama overlooked me for sound reasons," Kai huffed. "Kushina doesn't like all that nonsense, but isn't it better to use someone like me? Did Tsunade-Sensei tell you about—"
"That you managed to use Mystic Palms in one sitting? She did."
"Then you know I'm fit to be a Jonin," Kai insisted.
"Child, being as good as the God of Shinobi has nothing to do with a Jonin's rank. These ranking systems didn't even exist back in the day. Technically, Hashirama Senju was always a Genin before achieving a Kage's title."
"We're not in the Warring States Period," Kai refuted. "Does my chance of becoming the next Hokage rise if I'm the youngest Jonin or not?"
Hiruzen chuckled and shook his head. He wouldn't admit it to others since it would lower their motivation, but Kai was a different breed. "Being the next Kage depends on my choice. I do have some candidates, but Kai-Kun, your actions—"
"I'll stop it."
Kai's words froze Hiruzen's expression.
"What?"
"If it means Bubble's safety and your trust, I will stop all of it. You won't get any complaints from the Police Force or the Council Members. At least… I won't be the one to start any shit."
Hiruzen carefully eyed the boy as the latter spoke earnestly.
"Please, Lord Third. I can't make a name for myself and achieve my goals if left as a Chunin in Konoha's most crucial period in the recent decade. You will not regret trusting me. I'm only asking for one chance because… that's all that matters in our lives."
"And if you fail?" Hiruzen sighed.
"You'll know not to trust me again."
Hiruzen knew that wouldn't happen.
Oh, Kai could definitely break his promise, but it wouldn't dampen Hiruzen's trust in the long run. Despite the social norms, Hiruzen still considered Kai a child. The most beautiful aspect of children, the future generation, was that they grew and learned to improve. Hiruzen wasn't so small of heart to hold things against a child with such sincere intentions for his home and fellow comrades.
Still, Hiruzen desired to put Kai's money where his mouth was to ascertain if he was cut for the promotion.
"Do you know who Yuka Hyuga is?" Hiruzen questioned as Kai's expression stiffened.
"I'll take that as a yes," Hiruzen chuckled. "Do you know about her Fiance? Hiashi Hyuga?"
"I have to fight Hiashi to prove myself?" Kai grew excited by the notion of stuffing a Hyuga to the brim with unlimited knuckle sandwiches!
"Fight? Not quite." Hiruzen's smile widened as the slight wrinkles on his face deepened.
Kai hated that face the second he saw it.
It was the face of a cold monster.
<<<>>>
Kai walked out of the Kage's office a changed man, and he didn't even have to be touched by anyone for that—what a bargain.
Jokes aside, Kai had a straightforward objective since he entered Konoha. Becoming a Jonin was an eventual effect of that objective, which was to gain Hiruzen's trust for good, not as Konoha's potential defender but as, hopefully, its leader.
He still didn't care enough to become the Hokage, but the thought of all the good he could do as one encouraged the youth to calculate his next steps and offer Hiruzen some claim to his existence. After all, the Hokage would never trust someone as his successor unless he had a hand in nurturing them.
Sure, it sounded very diabolical in a hedonistic context, but who was Kai to judge.
Should he become the next Kage, his first act would be to rename the Hokage Rock as Mount Hokage!
And, with any luck, he might also carve out his dick onto the mountain, further naming it Mount Cockage—
'Wait, I already discontinued that project,' Kai stalled. 'Yeah, can't have too many women drooling over me and leaving their husbands. It would fuck up the economy… maybe I can just share some snaps of it with more willing parties.'
He shrugged. There was little to nothing that a well-crafted Fuinjutsu couldn't achieve, including securing a sealed line of distribution of the nude pics.
That's right, folks, the future of Fuinjutsu was… fucked!
'But… I just need to do one thing without fucking it up, and I get to enter the war… if it starts.'
Kai gulped dryly. A chill ran down his spine as he thought of facing insurmountable odds of locating several Elites and killing them.
A good portion of what Kai was doing was most definitely because he cared for Kushina. However, the other, barely alive half within, would reignite with passion at the thought of more intense battles.
Kai loved feeling alive!
"Ah, there you are! So? How do we look?" A nest of red caught Kai's attention near the building's entrance as he gazed at his team and Nono. They all wore characteristic green flak jackets, and their smiles were almost too proud and full of themselves.
That wouldn't do.
He had to take them down a peg or two.
"So?" He shrugged. "I'm almost embarrassed being bunched up by chunins as soon-to-be youngest—"
*Swish*
Now, Kai could dodge… but he didn't…
"You convinced the Old Man, Dattebane?!" Kushina's face was almost pressed against him, their heights not too different. And her hands grabbed what they were used to—his cheeks. "That's amazing!" she squeezed and pulled them, grinning ear-to-ear! "You're awesome, Kai-chan!"
"J-Just back off!"
"Nope! It's my treat, Jonin-chan!"
"Ehm," Mikoto interjected with a polite smile that promised she wouldn't forget his earlier snides. "Congratulations, soon-to-be-Jonin-Chan."
'Why did I even care about this bitch's safety?' Kai's expression darkened as Kushina and Mikoto grinned.
"That's amazing. I would like to take Kushina on her offer and discuss our future—" Nono began, only to be cut off by Tsunade.
"Do that in your own time. Follow me, Nono. We have something to discuss with Sensei."
"But, I was—"
"Now."
Nono's shoulders slumped under the duo's gleeful gazes. Meanwhile, Tsunade momentarily paused beside Kai, a smile on her lips.
"Good job, Kai."
"Yhep, Ieee kno— Damn it, Farty! Leave my cheeks alone already!"
"Wha— Nevah!"
***
Alternate Title: No-Shit-Giving Kai; Kai Whenever He Sees The Elders Or The Orphans: It's Hands, Mfer!; Oh, Rikudo… Kai Now Hates On Elders, Too?; Kai: I Must Give Up Disciplining The Orphans For a While. (Also Kai: Creepily Turns To Stare At Every Undisciplined Elder's General Vicinity); Today, Every Old Man Suffered a Chill; Kai's Intentions: Noble and Grand AF (Also Kai's Actions: Absolute Bat Shit Crazy Menace); Everyone: Oh, No. It's War; Meanwhile, Kai: Oh, Yeahhhhhh (Moans Uncontrollably) It's War!; Kai: Make Me a Jonin, Hiruzen! And My Life Is Yours!; Kratos Kai Doesn't Exist. He Can't Hurt You (Meanwhile, Kratos Kai: Bangs Kaguya Before Challenging Rikudo); Mount Cockage Emerged Only To Be Buried Again; Kai Always (Never) Learns From His Mistakes; Kai Dodges Attacks But Most Definitely Accepts Gifts; Kai And Gohan: Shake Hands In Accepting Physical Ladies; Kai Would Have Experienced Different Objective To Become a Jonin Had Hiruzen Been a Reincarnated Priest; The Saga Of Horrendously Dark Jokes?; Kai (In Another, Less-Fucked Timeline): I Need An Adult (Hentai Hiruzen: I Am An Adult); Nono Has No Chill; Kai: I Want To Be a Chick Magnet (Also Kai: Actually Attracts Baby Chicks…) Kai's Fantasy Rizz: Biwako, Tsunade, and Samus; Kai's Actual Rizz: The Chan Devils; Kushina Was Like: You May Be a Jonin, But Let Me Add This Chan; Mikoto Also Has No Chill; Kai: I Want To Be The Youngest Jonin To Protec, Seggs, And Attacc! (Hiruzen: Respect. You Passed The Shinobi Vibe Check. Welcome To the Club… Only Me And Jiraiya Are The Members)
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