A/N: Despite being a remake, I won't remove the credits. This work was massively inspired by Jordinio's work and made me fall in love with the path of 'grind.' Praise be the grind.

Ps: As it was written, we're all aware of the contradictory timeline of the Naruto verse and loopholes. But I love Naruto all the same. Expecting a human creation to be perfect is the height of human hubris we should prevent from falling into. Unlike before, I'm not going to be too serious about the plot (or so I'll try. It's just that lore-building feels even better than smut to me sometimes.) There may not be traps… but keep an open mind and ready erection for breedable gender bends.

***

Hentai Shinobi Rule 1: Your shinobi village is your breeding ground. Start from there.

***

[Congratulations! Trait Maker 766618 reached the Mythical Trait Maker! Divine Evolution Commencing.]

It'd been years since Kaye read the announcement. The notification tore through their privacy, floating to their gazes like a damn status screen from a VR game only… only, nobody knew anything about it.

They knew traits. They all had one, albeit different from each other, ranging from simple enhancement to muscle mass to incredible quest-making abilities boasted by the former, 'MIA' rebel—Cowl.

It ranged from sprouting wings to vomiting pop soda, leading to the creation of disturbingly fetishized corporations like Vomit Cola Inc. Yep. That company ain't beating no allegations. Whoever pays for that shit is weird. But Kaye didn't blame them.

One is often a slave to one's trait, even if unaware of the traps. Poor Chairman Vomit never asked to vomit cola, did he?

Just like Kaye didn't know his choices would lead him to a life of… nothingness.

It angered him—

Whoop—

And there it was, the ever-present calm eroding his emotions. It left Kaye with the rational outlook of his anger being pointless. He agreed. And that's infuriating—

Well, there you go again.

Gone.

"—stop ignoring us, you fucked up brat!" A shout attracted Kaye's bare minimum. Dressed in velvety burgundy and a golden bowtie, Kaye turned to his would-be assaulters. The draft on the ledge of the 20-storied building rustles his curled black hair. Indifferent obsidian pupils regard the group of veteran mercenaries. Oh, how his heart wants to betray the indifference in his eyes. He never gave up.

He made a stupid decision, but he didn't give up.

It wasn't rational.

It wasn't him.

He would strive to stand against the automated gamer's mind. He would do anything to feel…

Something.

He tried loving unsuccessfully. His ill-gotten gains allowed him to hire any prostitute. But didn't he royally fuck up?

Gamer's Mind railed his emotions, and the Gamer's Body was that chronic anal cancer in his tushy that forced out all the drugs from his system, leaving him limper than the saggy-titted 80-year-young's tits. Don't judge him. He tried anything to feel a shred of lasting emotion, even if disgust.

But one thing stuck to him.

Trolling.

Of course, the thrill didn't last. It started with little things. Poking a kid's balloon, shoving an orphan on the playground, bullying a gorgeous babe used to bullying another unfortunate-looking kid, stealing someone's grandfather's ashes, peeing in the pool, recording a celebrity sex tape and then releasing it after blackmailing the couple for a few more videos, shoving a metal rod up a corrupt official's ass who was known for molesting others, forcing a suicide bomber to go through his plans after he had second thoughts, and now this…

Gamer's Mind eradicated the momentary joy in his veins. He focused on the group. Twenty-three men and women were staring at the vivid, fist-sized opal in his right hand. It should work.

It will work.

Kaye wasn't sure.

How could he?

His Gamer's Mind may have forced him to be rationally prevalent, but it never directed his decisions. It controlled his emotions, not his mind.

Similarly, Gamer's Body controlled his body's internal working, not him.

Kaye was a free… partially free man.

Case in point, he didn't need to steal the gem from the hired group. No, he wanted an audience.

He wanted cars beneath the building to target.

He already had a target—a sweet black-green qustang.

"Kid," grunts a gruff-looking grey-haired merc with a metallic right hand. "Just hand us the Gem of Kalin."

Kaye knew all of them.

Metal Gripper and his team.

A team of mercenaries with the perfect job completion rate.

That's why he hired them to steal something before robbing them of their possession and leading them here.

Why?

Why not?

It wasn't like he could use his assets once he died. So, liquidating it all and funding the creation of two rival forces at each other's throats seemed insightful to Kaye. He merely regretted not having enough to set an arm's contract for the two groups.

Still…

'It will work.' Kaye resolved.

He smiled at his hired group.

Why did he hire them? There's another reason aside from wanting an audience.

Their perfect record.

Yep. One last thing to change before Kaye left this world.

Unconsciously, Kaye invoked his status page.

Like other traits, his' needed a trigger, too. The gamer he was, his trigger turned out to be painfully laughable.

It was a thought.

'Status.'

[Name: Kaye

Age: 24

Title: Bored Baiter

Gamer Traits: Gamer Mind; Gamer Body

HP: 100/100%

Skills:

Titles:]

He looked at one of the skills that made him plan this.

[Reincarnation Technique (1/1): A mysterious technique formed by a skill-maker trait. It allows the registered host to bend the universe's laws and reincarnate at a random location and time. The age of the reincarnated body is suspected to be the same as the current host, but exceptions are likely to be kept in mind. This technique can only be used once.]

"You want this?" Kaye held his hand high. Sunlight peaked through the curtain of dark clouds, reflecting and diverting into multicolored rays upon hitting the gem.

The Gem of Kalin was one of the most precious colonized treasures.

Droves of officers would soon rush the building as Kaye smiled.

"Here."

He tossed the gem at the group, falling freely. The group wasn't surprised. Kaye's reputation preceded him. So, they expected the bastard to have a parachute or something up his ass.

Perhaps that might be Kaye's trait, they wondered.

The leader's face paled as he reached for the gem.

*Crack*

The gem crackles midair before dissolving into a colorful powder that blows with the wind.

"Catch him!" The leader roared. Too much was on the line! Yet, they heard something else.

*Crash*

A loud crash followed by a familiar car's alarm left a pit in the gruff man's stomach.

That Qustang…

It was the last memory of his late beloved wife…

All of it was gone.

Their reputation… and his memories.

<<<>>>

"Puh—Hahahahahahahaha!" A loud, childish laughter filled the pond-adjacent courtyard. A boy, no older than 8, clutched his stomach as he rolled on the ground, dragging his white tunic. He cared little for the started koi within the pond, the shaken bluejay on the tree branches, and the fluttering butterflies flying away from the boy who used to be in tune with nature. He wore dark shorts, matching the dark swirling patterns on his tunic's back and shoulders.

Blades of grass lock into his nest of black hair. Joyful tears poured out of his face as he soon covered his head with one hand, leaving the other to clutch his stomach. He felt giddy and relieved. Everything burst open.

He couldn't stop laughing.

He couldn't stop expressing himself.

A lifetime of regret poured into beats of joyous giggles as he kicked his legs.

It worked.

It worked!

He could do nothing but weep and laugh.

He felt confused at that, but he loved that, too.

He was feeling… things.

He felt everything.

"Huaaaa~!" he explosively heaved after a good few minutes. Recollecting, the boy's reddened eyes looked around. He observed everything before grinning.

'I'm eight? That works. The technique stated that I'm not free from exceptions and that my age might differ. Even better. I get to be a kid again! I'll play and—wait… shinobi? Child soldiers? No childhood?'

He rapidly blinked before shrugging.

'Fuck it. We ball. I'm going to be the most dangerous child soldier and ram other child soldiers in the ass.'

As a moth attracted to a flame, the jubilant boy grinned.

'Activate.'

He hoped it would work.

Despite its flaws, he hoped to have his trait.

[Booting Gamer Trait. Stabilizing Trait. Scanning surroundings...]

It worked!

His trait was incredible. It performed several functions, one of them being the scan. Kaye suspected this scan's range was nothing short of a planet since his trait stored a catalog of information waiting for him to uncover through skill and titles.

[Scan successful. Trait Reset. Beginning personalization.]

[Please choose two sub-sets of gamer traits that will be allocated to the host permanently until a few conditions are met—

1) Gamer Mind: Utter calmness and logic prevail over the host's thoughts.

2) Stats Physiology: The host can adapt to a leveling system where each level grants stat points. Allocating the stat points to the appropriate stats will enhance the host appropriately while consuming the energy around the host.

3) Skill Tree: The host can develop a skill tree and gain skill points for each skill level to unlock more knowledge. The unlocked skill tree depends on the user's social status and the skills learned.

4) Sleepless Gamer: Sleep is an option. A gamer who sleeps is no gamer.

5) Gamer Body: Instead of stat points, the host will have a gamer's body, which means death greets you not when your head is separated but when your Hit Points are turned 0. As such, stats will become more diverse for proper computation of hit and stamina bars.]

And there it was.

The catch.

Several traits had triggers and limitations. While the concept of triggers was effortlessly understood, said limitations appeared in several manners.

For Kaye, it was the sub-sets.

They appear terrific on the surface… but…

'Fuck Gamer's Mind!' Kaye held back a mouthful of phlegm ready to be spat into the pond. Fuck it!

Fuck it.

His previous teen self thought of this sub-set as the ticket to be the calm and collected kind. But his trait was different. He expected the Gamer's Mind to have a switch instead of being automated!

Gamer's body was no different!

Each sub-set came with a quirk.

Privy to his trait's schemes, Kay didn't fall for the [Stats Physiology]. It sounded fantastic, right? He could get stat points and just level shit up. Oh, how terrific!

False!

Kaye saw through the issue.

It bound him to status points. No matter the training, he only grew thorough to stat points. And how would he earn said points?—From trait-generated quests.

He could be wrong…

Things could be worse than his theories.

But only the last two 'mediocre' sub-sets felt the worst of the presented evils.

First, he's no stranger to skills. [Skill Tree] would likely digitize the learning curve of things. Sure, it would turn his life a notch bland, but it was nothing compared to the monstrosity known as the [Gamer Mind.]

Meanwhile, [Sleepless Gamer] should lock out his sleeping schedule. The only thing Kaye worried about was the lack of sleep fucking with his life. Or he would be.

Kaye understood that the greater the sub-set's benefits, the more severe the limitations.

The [Sleepless Gamer] was mediocre compared to the other four sub-sets.

And the statement—Sleep is an option—relieved Kaye.

He had an option.

He could choose to sleep or not.

Probably.

[Gamer Personalization completed. Stats scanned and adjusted. Stat attributes scanned and adjusted.]

Information about his trait's sub-sets filled his mind as Kaye beamed satisfactorily.

'Not bad,' he nodded. 'Skill tree restricts and guides how I gain new skills but doesn't limit me from learning things from the outside. What it does is map out the 'correct' learning path. So, my progress will be awesome if I follow the skill tree and mediocre if I skip things. Meanwhile, I can sleep as I like. Nothing as stupid op as not having to care for my head being torn off and still living cause my HP didn't hit 0 or being calm as fuck about it. But hey! It doesn't imprison me in my body.'

Others would mourn the loss of virtual invincibility, but Kaye spat at it. Of course, part of the reason why he didn't care about it was due to the world he was within.

Anticipation filled his veins as he looked called out within.

He triggered his trait with a familiar thought.

'Status.'

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Uzumaki Maid

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 12

Chakra: 3/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 3/1000

Mental: 4/1000

Perception: 3/1000

Skills:

Titles:]

'Kai… it should be the appropriation of my former name—Kaye. Sounds cool,' Kai smirked before looking at the title. Maid? What was that about? A thought from Kai pulled the title's description.

[Uzumaki Maid: Brought in to be a servant, your almost girlish looks granted you the title of a cute maid from your generous employer. Praise be the red-haired ones, the maker of cute maids.

Effects: Slight favorability boost for Mito Uzumaki (Passive.)]

Kai puckered his lips at the description. That old coot! She thought he was girlish? How dare she?!

Then Kai stopped.

'Hmm, emotions feel amazing~!' he trilled, sitting up and ignoring his suspiciously 'cute' spats as his tunic's edge neared his thighs.

'Oh! What about my skills?'

A systematic flow chart dropped down his gaze.

Making of a Skill Tree.

Kai looked at the topmost skill without any further skills dropping from it.

[Dishwashing (E) (1/1): A skill often overlooked by the mighty, it remains a key to preventing broken marriages and divided homes. Actively curb the feelings of disgust by 50% when cleaning the dishes and removing spoiled veggies and sloppy meat.

Skill Tree Evolution: No further skills detected.]

Kai cupped his chin.

'So, my trait can still affect my emotions. But I get to decide how. Eh. It's not that crazy,' Kai shrugged.

He looked at other skills.

[Massage (E) (3/3): A skill meant to bring pleasure in the world of cruelty. Your hands and mind are trained to relieve your target's physical stress.

Skill Tree Evolution: Tenketsu Massage (B) (0/50)]

[Tenketsu Massage (B) (0/50) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 250 Chakra, 12 SP, 200 Perception.]

[Seal Language (D) (5/5): Language is the lifeline of seals. It's an information-granting skill that reveals the must-have catalog of sealing letters for aspiring fuinjutsu specialists.

Skill Tree Evolution: Sealing Matrix (C) (0/20)]

[Sealing Matrix (C) (0/20) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 5 SP.]

[Sprint (E) (3/3): Betters your form when sprinting, reducing stamina consumption by 16.67% at every level.

Skill Tree Evolution: Dynamic Footwork (E) (0/10).]

[Dynamic Footwork (E) (0/10) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 1 SP, 15 Physique, 15 Perception.]

Kai frowned.

It's complicated.

These skills were firmly laid within the support skill category. Meanwhile, the [Sealing Language] had a different panel—Fuinjutsu Skill Tree. However, Kai couldn't see other skills.

Was this all?

Were there no other skills developed?

No, Kai did not believe that.

'So… it's based on the skills I learn.' Kai squinted. 'It reveals the next direct skill I can possibly learn after completing unlocking conditions. Even these conditions aren't unnecessary since I lack them in some manner. So, I make the skill tree. Hmm, there's another point. This time, titles also have some skill trees attached to them… nice!'

Kai's gaze gleamed with intrigue.

'Like other gaming panels, I will earn SP from quests generated by my superiors or the skill levels I grind. Then, I can either use SP to pay for the skills and learn them myself or learn them from external sources and bypass the need to spend currency. Seems well-rounded.'

He stretched his thin arms, allowing a muffled grunt to escape his lips.

'Ah, so much happened. I just wanna hit the bed, hug the fluffiest pillow, and jerk off—'

A stern shout interrupted Kai's thoughts.

"Kai! It's time for Mistress Mito's massage! Don't be late!"

Kai almost cursed before rolling his eyes.

'Fine! I'll touch an old woman instead.'

***

Alternate Title: Kai: I Chose The Troll Life *Also Kai: Commits War Crimes*; Kai Is The Kind of Person To Gift a Dildo To a Widow in the Funeral; Kaye: Imma Die And Take Your Reputation With Me; Kaye's Victims: WHY? *Kaye: Duh. Why Not?*; Kai Reincarnates *All The Orphans In The Immediate Vicinity: Chuckles, I'm In Danger*; Kai Should Never Be Sent To War *Reincarnates As Prospective Child Soldier*; Kai: Fuck All The OP Things! I'm Gonna Be OP My Way; Kai *Before Killing Minato and Orphaning Naruto After Controlling Nine Tails*: It's a Canon Event; The Maker of Orphans; Kai *To Someone Without Legs*: Stand Up For Yourself, Dude; The Skill Tree; Massaging Old Bitches; Mito: The Maker of Cute Maids; Mito Uzumaki *The Jinchuriki'd One*: Nah, I'd Groom; Kai, The Trap?; Kai: I Wanna Wank— Fuck It! Let's Touch a Grandma; Kai Without The Gamer's Mind is a Planetary Threat; Too Dangerous To Be Left Alive; Chaos Directed For Joy; The Uzumaki's Maid; Mito's Bitch?; Homelander: Forces Someone To Commit Suicide *Kai: I'm a Big Fan of Your Work, Sir*

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Young Kai (All Credits to the Artist. I just yoinked it from pinterest.)