Aries 32nd, G958.
This would be the last day of the first month, as well as the day I turn eighteen for the second time.
My name is, or rather, used to be... Ah, I don't even remember anymore. It has been so long that now I only have a vague memory of my previous life before reincarnating.
Maybe that's a blessing and my poor soul was spared of the sadness that could come with it, but I'm sure that I haven't changed much on the inside.
What I know for sure is: I died pretty young. Just an unemployed — almost 20 years old— good-for-nothing guy who didn't feel like living anymore.
For all I know, my life has always been misery and suffering.
Of course, I had a pretty normal family and I wasn't exactly a loner.
I tried a lot. I'd try to crack up jokes and be that kind of upbeat person that'd cause everyone around them to be happy and forget about their own misery — I just wanted to be a good guy.
Ever since I was young I've had a short temper and I was very violent.
I picked up boxing at twelve or thirteen and trained like crazy to become a professional boxer, I really wanted it more than anything else, you know...?
And I was mad good at it! No matter what they threw at me, during training or sparring, I would always keep going until my last breath!
If I could still move, even if barely, my body would instinctively go after the goal — regardless of how exhausted my mind was.
Lots of talent, a diamond, a genius. Even if I took 7-8 months off, I would be on the same level as everyone else because I was really good at it — boxing was my whole life, no, it gave me reason to live!
To be honest, I still think I could've made it big if the conditions were right.
I believed in bad luck, but I never depended on luck. I just wanted to win, to have money to help my family and others.
...
A failed kid who would never be good at anything, not even if he trained hard and dedicated himself at a pace that never stopped.
I tried everything, double effort, determination, hatred, everything I could do I did.
I wanted to win so bad. For seven years straight.
All I had to do was want to win with conviction, and one day I would make it big...
I saw beautiful stories; failures can win! It was just a matter of wanting!
And I wanted...! I WANTED MORE THAN ANYONE!! I DOUBT YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO DID A THIRD OF WHAT DURING TRAINING I DID!!!
...
And even with all that, what was the point? For nothing! And even with all the effort, in the end, why was it no use?
Until the end, even almost unconscious, I was there. I could have given up at any moment, but I took the beating like a man!
I never finished a workout on the floor, I always got up no matter how much I hated hurting myself and others!!
And what was the result? My spirit broken; I never want to fight again!!!
I never stepped foot in a damn amateur ring, never, I could never have the success that I always wanted even after so many years of suffering.
... My dreams were destroyed, just like the bones in my body. All the glory of my idols, I just wanted a little of it, I just wanted my effort not to have been in vain — even if a little.
But I didn't. I wasn't born with that promise. Even with my effort, I was not born a chosen one.
During that time, ever since I was a little boy, there wasn't a single day that I did not want to be shot on the head or blown to bits by a explosion.
I wanted to have peace, but I knew that I couldn't have it. I knew that I would only have peace after I was dead.
So I tried my best to make other people's lives a little better... Fuck that shit.
At twenty I killed myself.
...
And today, Aries 32nd of G958, I turn eighteen again.
The conclusion? Not even after death... there is no peace.